4thegirls

But this has to be the last time. I think I almost poisoned myself again yesterday. I have shut the door on alcohol. I cannot open it again. I am going to take my daughter to her counseling appointment, get some Gatorade and something to cook for dinner, and come home and cook dinner, then go to an AA meeting. This is craziness. I am going to die. I have two teenaged daughters and for some reason I am determined to drink myself to death. Insanity.

Zanna

You can do this

Nonsensical

I don't believe you. I think you're here because you are determined NOT to drink yourself to death.

Welcome back.

You can do this!

Anna

It IS insanity, for sure. But, you can make this your last Day 1.

Is there something you can add to your recovery plan to make this last?

4thegirls

I started seeing a therapist online so I have that. I mostly chat via text with her and then have a live Skype session once a week. I know I need to do other things such as exercise and hobbies. I'm going to by a binder and some dividers and make a plan book with exercise goals, a place for writing, things id like to try, etc. I enjoy planning things so I might as well plan to stay alive ...

ChloeRose63

I have had it, too. I want this to be my last day 1. We are in this together. I want to start writing or journaling. Especially since I seem to hate alcohol very much at the beginning of my sobriety. I read some of my posts on my many attempts at Day 1. I have determination but, still can't seem to go longer that a few months.

mrrryahj

Everyone who has multiple years sobriety started with one day. Today can be your day. It sounds like you've hit a bottom of sorts, and while it must feel pretty awful right now, there's a good chance you could look back on this day as one of the best days of your life.

Good luck.

ChloeRose63

All I know is that I felt so good being sober for 2 months.
Now I am a mess. Things can only get better. Keeping my chin up.

january161992

hi 4thegirls

how are you today?

Avra

Hi 4thegirls.
I spent years stuck in a cycle of drink-despair-crave/plan. Everday i would wake up and swear that was it, i was killing myself and would change, only to repeat it all again and start drinking after work again. I gained weight, i did things i deeply regret, i lost my self esteem. I lost myself.
Please stay with us. You can do this.

JustTony

This made me laugh (WITH you, not AT you). I know it wasn't supposed to make me laugh, but it did.

Alcoholics/Addicts are some of the funniest and intuitive people I have ever met (this isn't self praise.... or is it???) Maybe one day 'they' will find a link in the brain functions?

I hope your plan is going well?

Regards,

JT

Dee74

Hows it going 4thegirls?

D

Zebra1275

AA and this website helped me get sober. I think it can work for you too!

4thegirls

I had a few upsets when I first talked to you guys last month but I'm on day 8--almost. I'm sorry but I'm not counting the two sips of wine I drank this week. I left the rest of the glass. I realized my mistake of going to a restaurant with a bar. I did not drink the rest of it. I did not get drunk. I ate my dinner and went home. I'm saying it's day 8.

Fiona224

I am on day one - your post totally resonated with me. My kids are 8 and 10 - they need me and I’ve not been there for them and hate myself for it, I just don’t understand how my addiction can be stronger than my love for my children. We can be free of this!

Dee74

Howe you count is your business but I know my brain would rationalise that one more glass of wine on the weekend wouldn't change my day count either,..;provided I didn't drink the whole thing and left some...

then it would be 'so long as I don;t get drunk'

Resetting our day count is not a punishment - although our AV will try and tell you it is.

resetting our date to me is about accepting we have more work to do.

I lied to myself a lot as an active drinker. I don;t want to do that in recovery,

D

Outonthetiles

That's fine, but I think a big part of this process is not only "getting sober," but "getting honest." I've posted this before, but one thing I really hated about drinking was that my addiction made me a liar: I lied to myself, to girlfriends, my relatives, my co workers, to everyone, and hated that about myself. I think one of the benefits of sobriety that people don't talk about is the calming feeling that we don't have to lie to ourselves, don't have to cover up, don't have to remember our lies, don't have to bargain with ourselves anymore. So what I'm saying is that even a gulp or a slurp is drinking. And I know enough that people feel the effects of even a quarter or eighth of a glass of wine.

4thegirls

Agreed

Flinders39

For me, and like for many others, one sip is too many and a hundred sips are not enough. I can see the rationalization here, but, in my opinion, going to a restaurant/ bar is playing with fire. I wish you the best. :-)

Nonsensical

The day count is a side show.

That you walked away is more important. (Good job regaining your senses!)

That you put yourself in harm's way is more important still. (What happened to your senses in the first place?)

What did you learn that will help you maintain your senses going forward?