Bopper

My mum and stepdad are both high functioning alcoholics and have been in denial for 20 odd years. Over the years their memories have gotten really bad, their mood swings horrendous and somehow the denial has gotten worse too. Because they don't drink all day and start at night they truely don't think they have a problem. I can't stand being around them when they're drunk, so my daughter and I never stay at their house anymore. My mum is an aggressive, verbally abusive drunk and because she can't remember what she's said or do Rs, it's just never spoken about and everyone just has to "get over" whatever she's said and done and pretend it never happened. Doing this fo 20yrs has me at my breaking point with her! I've tried so many times to discuss their drinking with them, but am truely over trying as it gets me nowhere and just makes me more angry. They have a great relationship with my daughter and that's why I have a lot of contact with them, but it's such a struggle to be around them most of the time! They are moody, dismissive, vague and mum is especially hard to have a conversation with as you talk and she responds with a totally new conversation most of the time, so I might as well be talking to a brick wall! If I show any sign of frustration towards her for HER behaviour it's turned around and she is super ready to start a fight with me and it's always my fault that we argue! She forgets most things that I tell her and is always saying "you never told me that". The whole situation makes me so frustrated and angry and does my head in. I feel like I'm trapped emotionally as I do love them and want them in my life, but find it really hard to like them sometimes. Anybody else feel like this?

maia1234

Bopper,
Welcome! I will respond, but I wanted to tell you we have a forum for adult children of alcoholic parents. I am sure you can go on that forum and read some posts and educate yourself about addiction.

My qualifier was my axh, so we are not in the same boat, as I divorced him. But when I was living with alcohlism in my home, I would not engage with him if he was drinking. Can you only meet up or talk to her in the morning, when she is sober? If she calls in the evening and is drunk, don't answer. It is time to protect yourself and not engage with a drunk.

Bopper

Oh I didn't realise I was posting on the wrong page. I will have a look. Thank you

honeypig

Bopper, if I had a penny for each time XAH told me that I "never told him that, " I'd have enough for both you and I to go on a very nice vacation somewhere warm and lovely...

And often he'd add "I guess it just wasn't important enough for me to commit to memory", as a way of confirming that it was MY fault for peppering him w/so many unimportant details rather than HIS fault for not listening...

Glad you found us here at SR. There is a lot of education and inspiration to be had up in the stickies (top of the page) and also in other threads here, so I hope you can do some reading, as I think it will be really helpful to you.

Alanon might be good for some f2f support also--maybe look into this also.

Hope you keep reading and keep posting.

honeypig

Don't worry, you are not in the "wrong" forum--plenty of those who post in this forum are children of A's. The forum IS "Family and Friends", which you certainly are.

Also, I do believe this section is more active than the forum for adult children (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/) and the forum for family members (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/) and thus you may get more benefit from reading/posting here.

Take all the help you can get, wherever you find it!

SparkleKitty

Bopper, you're perfectly welcome to post here! This forum has a lot more traffic than the ACoA one, so please stick around.

My mother is an alcoholic as well. We are not in much contact anymore, even though it is my understanding that she stopped drinking many years ago. Other than that, nothing much with her has changed.

The very first thing you can do to help yourself is to accept your mother and step-father for who they are right now, and let go of the people you wish they were. After so many years, their behavior shouldn't surprise you or take you off guard anymore. This is who they are. The only thing you can do about it is decide how much of their toxicity and unpleasantness you are willing to allow into your own life.

Does it suck? It sure does. I'm sorry you don't have the kind of parents you deserve, but they do not have to cause as much stress and anxiety in your life as they do right now.

One last thing, on the phrase "high-functioning alcoholic" -- "high-functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, it's a phase. Alcoholism, left untreated (and in this case, it sounds like unacknowledged) is progressive. As bad as it is right now, this might be as good as it ever is.

Please stick around and read. Hit up an Al-Anon meeting. I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you were ever in a position to need us.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome Bopper, sorry for what brings you here.

I relate to a lot that you share.

dandylion

Booper...Yes....Yes....Yes..... I know exactly what you are talking about!
Not with my parents...but, this describes another family member, to a T.
Since you have already talked to them about it, a lot---there is not much else you can do, I don't think, since their denial is still so strong....like a brick wall...lol...

I do think that placing the boundaries that protect you own sanity is an important thing for you to do. You can either announce your boundaries or keep them to yourself....whichever suits you, the best. The boundaries are for your own protection.

You can also order the books with the material about Adult Children of Alcoholics, from amazon.com.....

I am also giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles...I think you will get a lot out of them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)