emmab219

I guess I shouldn't say "newly", but we've only been married for two years this month. I'm twenty-eight, he's thirty-six. My husband is an amazing man. Funny, kind, generous, and a hardworker. However, alcohol has quickly become a problem in our marriage. He has always been a heavy drinker for as long as I have known him, and he even admitted he's been this way for most of his life. However, it never interferred with our relationship until about a year ago. Maybe things started getting bad before then, but I just turned a blind eye. I don't know.

He has become a lazy, lethargic person and it makes me resentful. I've been keeping this pent up for so long but last night I finally broke down to a friend. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We've had this discussion many times over the past year. I always ask him to get help, to let me help start a path to recovery. He claims he can stop anytime he wants, but I have yet to see it happen. At the most, he'll stop for three days and then start again. He'll drink a six-pack of tall beers each night along with a handful of vodka drinks. He'll stay up until about 2am playing video games and pass out on the couch. I go to bed alone every night and wake up alone. The drinking has made him gain a lot of weight-- something we've also talked about, but he hasn't made an effort to lose it either. The weight gain has had a huge affect on our sex life. I know he's self-conscious now, but he also says it has made his sex drive go way down. We haven't been sexually active for maybe three months now...I would say we've had sex maybe ten times this entire year. And when we do have sex, it feels like it's just because we "have to". Like I've complained about it so now we're obligated to do it...there's no passion and I usually end up in tears afterwards because it's just miserable.

The amount of housework he does has declined. I'm grateful for the fact that he takes out the trash, mows the lawn, keeps the bills in order, etc. But I feel like I'm stuck doing everything else....a new thing that's been happening is he refuses to do the dishes if they are mine. So if I have breakfast before work and don't have time to wash my plate, he'll do all the dishes that are his but leave mine. I don't understand this! Maybe because I was raised to believe that housework is a team effort. Furthermore, I clean up after him all the time! I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've scrubbed beer off our brand new couch because he passed out with a pint glass in his hand. Just this morning I cleaned up dry, crusty pasta sauce from all over the stove where he spilled it late last night while he was drunk.

I know I sound bitter and jaded. I hate complaining but I'm lonely and I'm miserable and this is not what a marriage is, right? I've talked to him so many times about going to AA or doing something. I don't understand why me telling him the drinking makes me resent him hasn't done anything! It makes me feel like alcohol is more important. My friend I spoke to thinks I should leave temporarily to show that I'm serious about him changing. I don't know if that's a good idea or not. At the moment, it's a Sunday at 7pm and he's passed out from drinking already.

I love him, but am I wrong for wanting more?? I just want to go to bed with the person I love every night. I want to spend a day together where there's no drinking involved. I don't want to feel like I'm the one keeping the house in order. Also-- he talks a lot about how if we had kids he would stop. But I don't think he can!

I don't know what to do anymore. Just feeling lost and depressed. Thank you to anyone who reads this-- I needed a vent.

Nata1980

Hello and welcome!

No you are not wrong for wanting more. It does indeed sound like he has a drinking problem.

It really is up to you where to draw boundaries - if you feel like something is unacceptable - it is. I wasted too many years nagging and trying to reason - to no avail. I believe all addicts had ODD to an extent and also intimacy issues.

Hang in there and take care of yourself - lots of good information on this forum.

hearthealth

Don't have children. This is the example you will set for your children. He will continue to decline until he and only he decides otherwise. What are you doing for yourself? Keep track of your finances. Have some money out aside.

emmab219

I have a savings account in my name that he doesn't have access to...I put aside a little money each month.

Maudcat

Hi, emmab.
Welcome to SR.
Lots of support here.
Very sorry for what brings you here.
Yep, sure sounds like alcohol is a problem.
For you, that is. Your husband gets to drink as much as he wants, pass out, wake up and do it again.
I am sure this is not the life you envisioned when you and he got married.
How much do you know about alcohol dependency/addiction?
It’s very much worth educating yourself so that you have an accurate picture going forward.
There is lots of info about alcohol addiction and its effect on partners and families in the “stickies” embedded at the top of the main menu of this site.
I also strongly recommend you get to Al-Anon meetings.
It is a program for people who are troubled by a loved one’s drinking.
You will find lots of support there from people who have been or are in your situation.
Or speak to a counselor, one who is experienced in dealing with addiction.
We only get one life. It’s up to us to make it the best one we can.
If this is not how you want to live your life, then arm yourself with knowledge and consider making some changes.
Good luck. Keep coming back.

dandylion

emmab.....I am giving you the following link to our library of dozens of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. (in the stickies)....
There is sooo much to know. I hope you will take the time to read through them....
(lol...I can tell, by the things that you say, that you don't know very much about alcoholism)....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

There is one article that I hope that you will read, right now.....here is the link to it.....

rescuer

Hi emmab,

Very sorry to hear about your situation.
I think most people here can identify. I know my own life was very similar to yours in some ways until quite recently.
Sadly, what I learnt and what many others will also tell you is that you can't do anything for him, you can only do things for yourself.

Don't blame yourself. No one really knows or understands much about addiction until they see it up close.

This is very common.

I completely identify with this. You are perfectly right to feel this way and to want more from your marriage. Try to understand that his drinking is not 'directed' at you, it is not about you in any way, but you will continue to feel the negative effects of it. He is completely wrapped up in his addiction and it makes him selfish and uncaring (hopefully nothing worse than that).

Posting here was an excellent first step. Please focus on your own happiness. I know the thought of doing that separate from HIM might seem impossible right now. But you can't MAKE him stop drinking.

I am sorry to say this, but it is unlikely to get better any time soon (I hope for your sake I'm wrong). He is already drinking way more than is normal and he may be drinking more than you know. From what you describe, the next stage is likely to be one of drinking in secret, hiding bottles etc, and more erratic, less 'functioning' behaviour. Again, I hope this does not happen in your case, but it is what happens in most cases. The only hope is that he will GENUINELY make the decision to quit sooner rather than later.

Please read a lot on alcoholism and on codependency. Learn about 'detachment'.

Again, it is healthy and normal for you to feel what you are feeling. Strength to you.

maia1234

Em,
You have made some great points... I will try and answer them.

I hate complaining but I'm lonely and I'm miserable and this is not what a marriage is, right? - correct, a healthy married couple of 2 years do not live like this.

I've talked to him so many times about going to AA or doing something. I don't understand why me telling him the drinking makes me resent him hasn't done anything! - because he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so it's not his problem to fix, its yours. He is an adult and legal to drink, in fact he could drink himself to death and you are powerless. He just doesn't get what he is doing wrong. He just wants to drink in peace and not have you ragging at him.

It makes me feel like alcohol is more important. - yes, you are correct, alcohol is more important then you or anything. In his eyes, he could live without you if you push him, but he doesn't know how to live without alcohol. It has been his constant companion for a long time.

My friend I spoke to thinks I should leave temporarily to show that I'm serious about him changing. - you could leave, cry, scream, threaten, and everything else, but unless an addict is ready to commit to sobriety, it will not work. Recovery is about growing up, sobering up and working a program, its not only about giving up the drug of choice.

I do recommend you to educate yourself about addiction. This is not a race, take your time and read the stickies and find out what you are up against. See if you have the fight in you or you want to throw in the towel. We all get it on this forum, but as you can see, it's not about him getting the help he needs, its about you getting the help you need. Hugs stick around you will learn a ton.

kodi

Alcohol doesn't discriminate - even the most wonderful people are affected. This makes it such a heartbreaking disease watching them deteriorate and being helpless.

You need to take action for yourself - and not on his behalf doing things for him. For you with yourself in mind. This is not selfish this is dealing with disease that needs codependency. He will resist and deny your attempts to change his drinking situation.

Everyday he drinks he digs a deeper hole towards alcoholism and you are being taking with him. It will affect your life just as much as his.

Its still early there is a lot to learn but start somewhere. Baby steps is better then no steps.

Hummer

I'm so sorry for your situation - it definitely sounds like a serious problem and not a healthy nor satisfying way to continue to live.

Alcoholism is completely bamboozling - I felt as though I was in a state of confusion and anxiety for a long time before I found this site. Keeping it all secret (to protect him/his reputation etc) really added to that burden.
The others have given great advice above, reading on here (on a daily basis) as well as taking to a counsellor helped me to reach decisions to improve my life.

I was married for 1 year when I discovered my husband's alcohol problem. Stayed a further 4 years trying to work through things. All got too much last Christmas and we have been separated since.

Your marriage could work out but it will require your husband to make the decision to become sober.

Take good care of yourself
Best wishes

emmab219

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I have no idea what I’m going to do next, but will definitely work on educating myself about alcoholism over the next couple of days.

I just feel like I am in a rut and maybe it’s time to start taking care of me.

Maudcat

Definitely, Em!

Mango blast

Hi Emma,

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you found us.

What you already have is an awareness of an imbalance in your life and relationship, and as that grows there will also be tools and skills you'll gain to deal with this.

One day at a time. If you find humor and tears along the way, trust things are improving. It'll happen .

(((Hugs)))

KTF

Nola0250

Hi Em,
Your AH sounds like he was a lot like mine was when I married him. Except I was 33 and he was 44. Years later, your situation also sounds a fair bit like mine! Except I got way less sex. Ha ha.

Anyway, I found this site recently and it's given me a great deal of clarity. Absolutely start by taking care of you. Remember that you deserve far, far more than you're getting. And after you've had time to meet some of your own needs and have a good think, you'll know what's right for you to do.

Welcome! You are in the right place.

ukiah77

I have been married to my RAH for 15 years, we have 3 young kids. It started out just like your situation, I pleaded and begged and threatened but nothing worked. I also went to bed alone, did everything alone, no sex, his constant verbal abuse, marriage neglect, he ignored our kids, drank a 12 pack of beer every night, all of it. He'd quit drinking, then start back up again and the cycle continued. He's not drinking now, we're both 40, but he's just a dry drunk with no personality, no spark, no joy. I'm again, waiting for him to start drinking at some point in the future. It really sucks and is very sad and disappointing . Think about what you want for your future, I know some people can quit for good but it sounds like most can't/don't. I wish someone would have warned me early on about what life with an alcoholic turns into, although who knows if I would have listened. I loved him then and I love him now, but I know I deserve better. Take care of yourself, we all deserve to find happiness. Good luck with your situation, keep posting.

emmab219

Great to hear from so many people in similar situations. Especially those who have been married much longer than I have. I do love my AH very much and it’s not like we have a bad life. I think I would describe it, though, as feeling like I’m living with a roommate. I know that I’m still fairly young but I didn’t expect the romance and passion to fade so quickly...don’t know if that’s a product of the alcoholism or what.

He didn’t drink yesterday and came to bed shortly after I did. On Sunday he went to bed with me but ended up on the couch after a lot of tossing and turning. Thinking he had a hard time sleeping sober? Tonight he came home with one 24oz beer and didn’t understand why I was upset because it’s “less than usual”. Sure but two days ago he was literally telling me he wouldn’t drink this week. Not surprised but disappointed yet again.

And again am lying in bed alone wondering if I should be this upset but can’t help it. I don’t think I want this to be the rest of my life. I’m disappointed with my life and that makes me sad. I know I could leave but I domg know if I’m brave enough or strong enough. I do love him and he is a good man. But in past conversations he’s mentioned how heartbroken and devastated he would be if I ever left. Hurting him hurts me. Sorry for babbling. Just feeling upset tonight.

BAW81

I've been exactly where you are only I felt that way after the first year, we got counseling, he lost his job but quickly found another, I couldn't "give up," so I kept going. Our second year things improved and we started trying for a baby and got pregnant. Shortly after I got pregnant, things spiraled, his work got shaky again, he started drinking out of control, verbal abuse, and I bargained with him on how much and how often he could drink. He ended up losing the second job and Things escalated even further in my third trimester but then he PROMISED me he would stop drinking for three months when the baby came.....guess what?! He didn't. He went home the second night to "take care of our dog," celebrated the birth of our son and never stopped. He drank a bottle of wine and took an ambien the first night we came home. We would fight, he would promise not to drink, and then sneak beers and bottles of vodka in between my night time feedings when I was asleep. I'd wake up to feed the baby and he'd be stumbling around. I had to lock myself, the baby, and our dog in a room when he got volatile and I ended up leaving him with the baby and dog in the middle of the night only to return if he agreed to rehab....he drank non stop for three days and finally agreed to go.

Went away and called me every day to berate me. Never bought into the program, "I'm not like these people," he would say. He came home was a dry drunk, refused to find work. I went back to work and 5 months later I had a work trip out of town and he used that as an opportunity to fall off the wagon which I found out by him passing out on the phone at 8:30 pm when I called to check in. Family went and got my 8 month old and he never even stirred....I filed for divorce two days later...

I share my story because I want you to know how horrific it can get and how quickly it can get there. My child is my life and I have no regrets but I highly encourage you to think about if you want to parent with this person OR even worse co-parent. My ex is a complete monster. The disease has eaten away all the good.

Please take care of yourself. I only stayed 4 years but i knew I should've left earlier but I was paralyzed by shame and guilt. I didn't want to "give up." I hope my story helps you.

maia1234

I wasted 34 years of my life with my roomate.
Finally left because I deserved better.

Hawkeye13

Unfortunately, it isn't going to be this "good" the rest of your life
if you stay with him and he keeps drinking.
Alcoholism is progressive.
He'll drink more, more often.
If it's a problem now, expect it to get much worse.

I've been on both sides--drinker and partner, and although we
drinkers "think we can control it" in the end it controls us,
and puts everyone around us through hell.
I also grew up in an alcoholic home--it's a horrible place
for children, so please don't bring kids into the mix.

Please keep educating yourself on what to expect
and make your life decisions accordingly--you're too young
for a lifetime of this

hopeful4

I am sorry you are hurting. You have gotten good feedback here. I will only add, do NOT procreate with this man. Being with an addict is hard, raising children with them and seeing your children hurt from that behavior is the most tragic thing you will experience.

Big hugs.