Verbal abuse via text...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Verbal abuse via text...
Just wondering if this is a common thing? My AH randomly decides in the wee hours while traveling to pick fights with me out of nowhere. I go to bed thinking all is well and wake up to mean and degrading texts.
Some nights if I can tell he's drunk I will block his # but we have 4 kids so I don't like to block him in case he needs to reach me for some family purpose. It seems much worse when he drinks dark liquor rather than beer.
He laughs at me when I tell him he has a drinking problem and acts like I'm a ridiculous drama queen BUT he travels with a huge bottle of red stag buried in his suitcase. He also had been to rehab for hard drugs before we met...he never told me until after we we married and I found his books from rehab in a box. I feel like this is something that he and or his parents should have TOLD ME before we married but maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, it's taking a toll on me and my anxiety is out the roof. I don't want to give him this power. Is this normal and how should I be handling this?
Some nights if I can tell he's drunk I will block his # but we have 4 kids so I don't like to block him in case he needs to reach me for some family purpose. It seems much worse when he drinks dark liquor rather than beer.
He laughs at me when I tell him he has a drinking problem and acts like I'm a ridiculous drama queen BUT he travels with a huge bottle of red stag buried in his suitcase. He also had been to rehab for hard drugs before we met...he never told me until after we we married and I found his books from rehab in a box. I feel like this is something that he and or his parents should have TOLD ME before we married but maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, it's taking a toll on me and my anxiety is out the roof. I don't want to give him this power. Is this normal and how should I be handling this?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mtm,
Welcome to the "club" that none of us want to belong too. I am so sorry. Good for you for reaching out for support.
Obviously he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So technically it is not his problem to fix, it is yours. I agree, he should have told you that he had an addiciton problem before you married, but this is not going to help you going forward.
Accepting abusive texts do not need to be tolerated. I understand that you want to have contact with him since he is the father of your children, but what good is he to you if he is drunk, anyway. When he comes home from his next trip and when he was sober, I would tell him the abusive texts will stop because you will block him while he is drunk at night. You do not need to tolerate that behavior, especially if he laughs at you. His behavior is typical Alcoholic 101. (you will read all over this forum and say, "yep he did that to me, yep he also did that to me".
Next thing, your anxiety. Do you have time to hit an addiction therapist, or go to alanon or aa meetings. Face to face support is a God send, as these people "get" what you are living in. Educate yourself all over this forum and figure out if this is how you and your kids want to spend the rest of your life. I held on for dear life with my addict for 34 years, boy what a mistake.
We do have choices in life, we can change. It takes time to get mentally prepared to execute anything you choose to do. Stick with us my friend, things will get better.
Welcome to the "club" that none of us want to belong too. I am so sorry. Good for you for reaching out for support.
Obviously he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So technically it is not his problem to fix, it is yours. I agree, he should have told you that he had an addiciton problem before you married, but this is not going to help you going forward.
Accepting abusive texts do not need to be tolerated. I understand that you want to have contact with him since he is the father of your children, but what good is he to you if he is drunk, anyway. When he comes home from his next trip and when he was sober, I would tell him the abusive texts will stop because you will block him while he is drunk at night. You do not need to tolerate that behavior, especially if he laughs at you. His behavior is typical Alcoholic 101. (you will read all over this forum and say, "yep he did that to me, yep he also did that to me".
Next thing, your anxiety. Do you have time to hit an addiction therapist, or go to alanon or aa meetings. Face to face support is a God send, as these people "get" what you are living in. Educate yourself all over this forum and figure out if this is how you and your kids want to spend the rest of your life. I held on for dear life with my addict for 34 years, boy what a mistake.
We do have choices in life, we can change. It takes time to get mentally prepared to execute anything you choose to do. Stick with us my friend, things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Hi MTM, I want to start by saying good job and thank you for reaching out for help. Hugs to you for taking the difficult first steps in sharing your story.
Deciding if someone has a problem is very personal. I learned through Al-Anon that alcohol is a problem if it affects your relationships. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to be affecting your relationship.
The hard part is deciding how you want to respond. When I realized my AH had a problem, I drove myself crazy trying to get him to stop. To the point of having a nervous breakdown. And he still didn’t change. He was going to do things on his own terms, no matter what I did. That is the nature of addiction, as I’m sure you learned in your own recovery. It took me a long time to realize that I need to focus on me, and let him take his own path. Heck, I’m still learning how to be better at that every day.
We can’t tell you what to do here, but I can assure you that you are not alone, you are among friends. HUGS as you figure out how you want to move forward.
Deciding if someone has a problem is very personal. I learned through Al-Anon that alcohol is a problem if it affects your relationships. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to be affecting your relationship.
The hard part is deciding how you want to respond. When I realized my AH had a problem, I drove myself crazy trying to get him to stop. To the point of having a nervous breakdown. And he still didn’t change. He was going to do things on his own terms, no matter what I did. That is the nature of addiction, as I’m sure you learned in your own recovery. It took me a long time to realize that I need to focus on me, and let him take his own path. Heck, I’m still learning how to be better at that every day.
We can’t tell you what to do here, but I can assure you that you are not alone, you are among friends. HUGS as you figure out how you want to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, mytoxic.
Welcome to SR.
This is a great site for education about alcohol and substance abuse, and support from its members.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon or, if possible , getting some solo counselling from someone who understands addiction?
Could be helpful.
There is a lot of info about alcohol addiction and its impact on families, called “stickies” posted at the top of the main menu.
Hope you can check them out.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
This is a great site for education about alcohol and substance abuse, and support from its members.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon or, if possible , getting some solo counselling from someone who understands addiction?
Could be helpful.
There is a lot of info about alcohol addiction and its impact on families, called “stickies” posted at the top of the main menu.
Hope you can check them out.
Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Here is a link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will look them over and read them......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree, yes he should have told you about his past with rehab and addiction but since he did not there’s not much you can do about that today except look and watch for other possible things to come out that you didn’t know. As for his parents telling you, it’s not their business or place to have told you, it was his.
I agree with maia1234 his drinking problem is not a problem to him it’s a problem to you and an issue you need to resolve one way or another on just how much you are willing to tolerate. Its not uncommon for someone with a history of addiction to change addictions. Educating yourself about addiction and addict behaviors would be a big help. Also if you can seek some kind of therapy for just you to help you navigate through all of this would be great.
My first thought when you shared that you don’t want to block him when he is away and sending those drunk texts is because of the 4 kids and if he needs to reach you for some family issue. I can’t help but think the only issue I would bet on would be alcohol related, DUI or public intoxication, etc. and what are you actually going to do with kids in the middle of night with him out of town? Fly to or drive to his location and bail him out? Call his parents on him? Then you would have yourself and his parents and possible 4 kids all awake in the middle of night all anxiety filled drama fueled running around because of or to take care of the alcoholic. 7 people jumping on the crazy train so 1 intoxicated adult man can get out of jail comfortably to drink again!! Think that one all the way through and the ramifications to everyone else instead of the alcoholic.
I agree with maia1234 his drinking problem is not a problem to him it’s a problem to you and an issue you need to resolve one way or another on just how much you are willing to tolerate. Its not uncommon for someone with a history of addiction to change addictions. Educating yourself about addiction and addict behaviors would be a big help. Also if you can seek some kind of therapy for just you to help you navigate through all of this would be great.
My first thought when you shared that you don’t want to block him when he is away and sending those drunk texts is because of the 4 kids and if he needs to reach you for some family issue. I can’t help but think the only issue I would bet on would be alcohol related, DUI or public intoxication, etc. and what are you actually going to do with kids in the middle of night with him out of town? Fly to or drive to his location and bail him out? Call his parents on him? Then you would have yourself and his parents and possible 4 kids all awake in the middle of night all anxiety filled drama fueled running around because of or to take care of the alcoholic. 7 people jumping on the crazy train so 1 intoxicated adult man can get out of jail comfortably to drink again!! Think that one all the way through and the ramifications to everyone else instead of the alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if he's traveling, he wouldn't be the first responder in any type of family emergency. i'm curious how many times it has BEEN imperative that he be reached at 2am while he is out of town? and what could he do about it anyway?
the facts are he is an active drinker, full out, and quite demeaning and abusive to you. and not likely to see the light and change any time soon. it IS toxic. for you and the kids.
the facts are he is an active drinker, full out, and quite demeaning and abusive to you. and not likely to see the light and change any time soon. it IS toxic. for you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
MTM, in my experience, abuse - whether it's physical, verbal, psychological or sexual - is completely separate from alcoholism. The way an abusive person looks at relationships and significant others is there regardless of whether he's drinking or not. Drinking just provides a convenient excuse to use to indulge in behaviors one would normally censure themselves from doing otherwise.
I completely understand the desire to have been told about issues surrounding drugs and alcohol before the wedding. AXH and I had been together for about 10 years or so before I found out that every one of his mother's siblings had died from alcohol related issues. The only reason it was discussed when it was, was because his niece had just wrapped her car around a tree while DUI, was in a full body cast and facing charges. Truth be told, though, even if they had told me in the beginning of our relationship, in my naivety, I would have thought, "that'll never be AXH." I know better now and now is when I can change.
The abusive texts are not OK and you don't have to put up with them. No. It's not normal.
I completely understand the desire to have been told about issues surrounding drugs and alcohol before the wedding. AXH and I had been together for about 10 years or so before I found out that every one of his mother's siblings had died from alcohol related issues. The only reason it was discussed when it was, was because his niece had just wrapped her car around a tree while DUI, was in a full body cast and facing charges. Truth be told, though, even if they had told me in the beginning of our relationship, in my naivety, I would have thought, "that'll never be AXH." I know better now and now is when I can change.
The abusive texts are not OK and you don't have to put up with them. No. It's not normal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I have to agree. Abuse IME, is an issue that doesn't end just because someone stops drinking. Being sober doesn't eliminate the bad behavior. Fixing bad behavior is on that person and some people will never take it on to change.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Toxicmarriage, bear in mind that while abuse and substance abuse (and mental illness) are two different things, often the addict has all these issues, because abusive people can use being drunk or high as an excuse, and they can even use mental illness as an excuse for abusive behavior. Not every addict is abusive, but there are many that are. You won't know if the abusive behavior goes away if the addiction is under control until the addiction is under control. However, the fact that, that behavior was an option at all when they were drunk/high, is problematic. I know an alcoholic who was abusive when drunk, so his friends made him promise never to drink again. Unfortunately, this did not make the abusive behavior go away -- he was a like a pot simmering on the stove, waiting until it got hot enough so he could boil over.
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
MTM, in my experience, abuse - whether it's physical, verbal, psychological or sexual - is completely separate from alcoholism. The way an abusive person looks at relationships and significant others is there regardless of whether he's drinking or not. Drinking just provides a convenient excuse to use to indulge in behaviors one would normally censure themselves from doing otherwise.
I completely understand the desire to have been told about issues surrounding drugs and alcohol before the wedding. AXH and I had been together for about 10 years or so before I found out that every one of his mother's siblings had died from alcohol related issues. The only reason it was discussed when it was, was because his niece had just wrapped her car around a tree while DUI, was in a full body cast and facing charges. Truth be told, though, even if they had told me in the beginning of our relationship, in my naivety, I would have thought, "that'll never be AXH." I know better now and now is when I can change.
The abusive texts are not OK and you don't have to put up with them. No. It's not normal.
I completely understand the desire to have been told about issues surrounding drugs and alcohol before the wedding. AXH and I had been together for about 10 years or so before I found out that every one of his mother's siblings had died from alcohol related issues. The only reason it was discussed when it was, was because his niece had just wrapped her car around a tree while DUI, was in a full body cast and facing charges. Truth be told, though, even if they had told me in the beginning of our relationship, in my naivety, I would have thought, "that'll never be AXH." I know better now and now is when I can change.
The abusive texts are not OK and you don't have to put up with them. No. It's not normal.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by mytoxicmarriage
Just wondering if this is a common thing?
Does it change the unacceptable?
My AH randomly decides in the wee hours while traveling to pick fights with me out of nowhere.
Where are the kids? Are they in safe place away from a nightly traveling drunk person? There is enough time in the day to sort out problems. Night time is for the kids and yourself to rest. He is being inconsiderate if its just to fight. Decide a time until you will accept messages say 9pm and then divert him to another person who can handle family emergencies on your behalf. Give him an opportunity to select the person he is comfortable with. Most likely he won't take you seriously. You then decide who can take his calls. Document all this in black and white. They can call you on his behalf if its really really important.
You can enough sponsor some (note: just enough to make one or two calls and make notes of this somewhere so you can show your ability to ensure the wellbeing of your children and proactiveness. If he wastes it - send him a bill for the reimbursement - make notes of everything) money for the calls to show your seriousness. A bit drastic but I learnt the hard way that alcoholics can turn nasty once they realise things go downhill. Just being prepared never hurts.
If you don't have a third person and the kids are with you then why would you need to answer?
go to bed thinking all is well and wake up to mean and degrading texts. What degree of degrading? Abusive? Keep record of this either way. This is unacceptable and unreasonable responses.
Please remain sturdy, calm and polite during all these exchanges. It will be testing on you. He will react and you need to be stay on course. This is to establish your set of boundaries and it will take effort to sink in. But you must establish them. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Some nights if I can tell he's drunk I will block his # but we have 4 kids so I don't like to block him in case he needs to reach me for some family purpose. It seems much worse when he drinks dark liquor rather than beer.
He laughs at me when I tell him he has a drinking problem and acts like I'm a ridiculous drama queen BUT he travels with a huge bottle of red stag buried in his suitcase. He also had been to rehab for hard drugs before we met...he never told me until after we we married and I found his books from rehab in a box. I feel like this is something that he and or his parents should have TOLD ME before we married but maybe I'm wrong.
Start moving toward your self care and empowering yourself. You cannot effect him if his will is against it. But you can effect your own life direction away from the chaos it creates.
Anyway, it's taking a toll on me and my anxiety is out the roof. I don't want to give him this power. Is this normal and how should I be handling this?
Does it change the unacceptable?
My AH randomly decides in the wee hours while traveling to pick fights with me out of nowhere.
Where are the kids? Are they in safe place away from a nightly traveling drunk person? There is enough time in the day to sort out problems. Night time is for the kids and yourself to rest. He is being inconsiderate if its just to fight. Decide a time until you will accept messages say 9pm and then divert him to another person who can handle family emergencies on your behalf. Give him an opportunity to select the person he is comfortable with. Most likely he won't take you seriously. You then decide who can take his calls. Document all this in black and white. They can call you on his behalf if its really really important.
You can enough sponsor some (note: just enough to make one or two calls and make notes of this somewhere so you can show your ability to ensure the wellbeing of your children and proactiveness. If he wastes it - send him a bill for the reimbursement - make notes of everything) money for the calls to show your seriousness. A bit drastic but I learnt the hard way that alcoholics can turn nasty once they realise things go downhill. Just being prepared never hurts.
If you don't have a third person and the kids are with you then why would you need to answer?
go to bed thinking all is well and wake up to mean and degrading texts. What degree of degrading? Abusive? Keep record of this either way. This is unacceptable and unreasonable responses.
Please remain sturdy, calm and polite during all these exchanges. It will be testing on you. He will react and you need to be stay on course. This is to establish your set of boundaries and it will take effort to sink in. But you must establish them. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Some nights if I can tell he's drunk I will block his # but we have 4 kids so I don't like to block him in case he needs to reach me for some family purpose. It seems much worse when he drinks dark liquor rather than beer.
He laughs at me when I tell him he has a drinking problem and acts like I'm a ridiculous drama queen BUT he travels with a huge bottle of red stag buried in his suitcase. He also had been to rehab for hard drugs before we met...he never told me until after we we married and I found his books from rehab in a box. I feel like this is something that he and or his parents should have TOLD ME before we married but maybe I'm wrong.
Start moving toward your self care and empowering yourself. You cannot effect him if his will is against it. But you can effect your own life direction away from the chaos it creates.
Anyway, it's taking a toll on me and my anxiety is out the roof. I don't want to give him this power. Is this normal and how should I be handling this?
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