This feeling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 16
This feeling
Hello guys my AW is in rehab and I know I should be at least comforted that she is in a safe place and can't course her self harm. But when I'm at work all I can think about is I need to be home to make sure that she is ok full well knowing that she is in rehab. I don't know how to shake this feeling. Any thing that you guys know of that helps.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you must be a codependent, and likely have been for a long time. What kind of support system do you have in place for yourself? This would be a good time to start Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and discover some things about you and how to break the codependency cycle. It does not happen overnight, but it sure can happen if you are willing to work on it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Theguy......I suggestthat you read the book "Co-dependent No More".....it is practically a "bible" around here....
You can get it at the library or through amazon.com. Used volumes are pretty cheap......
I think that this shows how much your life has been wrapped up in your wife's illnesses....
Keep reading the articles in the link that I gave you in your other thread, and going to alanon meetings. This has been going on for a long time, in order for you to get to this state of things.....
You can get it at the library or through amazon.com. Used volumes are pretty cheap......
I think that this shows how much your life has been wrapped up in your wife's illnesses....
Keep reading the articles in the link that I gave you in your other thread, and going to alanon meetings. This has been going on for a long time, in order for you to get to this state of things.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Theguy00 
Dandylion
I was looking for the book you said and I found a couple different one by different authors is there a particular author that I should read?
I was looking for the book you said and I found a couple different one by different authors is there a particular author that I should read?
there are Kindle versions of this book as well as many others mentioned to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi theguy
I am being reminded very much of myself in your post.
No matter how bad the drinking was or the actions or consequences that followed, my concern was always always always all about him. Never about me. By my choice.
Even on days were things were normal. On a plain average day, I would have a thought about what is he doing or not doing or just to text him for whatever. then I text him (because I was good and did not text since the day or two before therefore allowed in my mind)
to get it out the way and when he didn't reply right or in time it would send me off down the road again of anxiety and worry leading to him distancing/drinking etc etc.
My point being your wife is in a facility (i assume of course) with professionals that are trained and experienced in addiction and you feel that you must still be doing something more. Yourself as an everyday person must step in where professionals are experienced.
To me, it speaks of anxiety type behaviour or an unbalanced part of you wanting to overlook your own life to focus on and fix your wife.
You should be using the space to help bring you back to being a healthy balanced partner for your wife. Or whatever else outside addiction needs attending.
Addiction needs a person around to enable the addict to stay functionless. While your wife is being treated, you would encourage her sobriety if you worked on your behaviours that the addiction thrived off.
I know how it feels. I get it. In my case I was guilty of being the over caretaker and people pleaser and denial and we did not work out when I stopped. But I am healthier for it, not him.
Holding thumbs - work on it together.
I am being reminded very much of myself in your post.
No matter how bad the drinking was or the actions or consequences that followed, my concern was always always always all about him. Never about me. By my choice.
Even on days were things were normal. On a plain average day, I would have a thought about what is he doing or not doing or just to text him for whatever. then I text him (because I was good and did not text since the day or two before therefore allowed in my mind)
to get it out the way and when he didn't reply right or in time it would send me off down the road again of anxiety and worry leading to him distancing/drinking etc etc.
My point being your wife is in a facility (i assume of course) with professionals that are trained and experienced in addiction and you feel that you must still be doing something more. Yourself as an everyday person must step in where professionals are experienced.
To me, it speaks of anxiety type behaviour or an unbalanced part of you wanting to overlook your own life to focus on and fix your wife.
You should be using the space to help bring you back to being a healthy balanced partner for your wife. Or whatever else outside addiction needs attending.
Addiction needs a person around to enable the addict to stay functionless. While your wife is being treated, you would encourage her sobriety if you worked on your behaviours that the addiction thrived off.
I know how it feels. I get it. In my case I was guilty of being the over caretaker and people pleaser and denial and we did not work out when I stopped. But I am healthier for it, not him.
Holding thumbs - work on it together.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TG,
Glad your wife is in rehab, as she is in good care. I agree with the other posters, you are very codependent. I think you need to learn to let them do their work and you worry about your disfunction that you added to this relationship.
I had a saying at my desk "God didn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help".
Hits some alanon meetings, an addiction therapist or open aa meeting and recognize your contribution as an enabler in your marriage. As you can see, it has gotten you no where. You should have enough on your plate, educating yourself about addiction and codependency, then to be "helping" her with her issues. We need to own our own baggage before we help other people with theirs.
Hugs, you are asking great questions!!
Glad your wife is in rehab, as she is in good care. I agree with the other posters, you are very codependent. I think you need to learn to let them do their work and you worry about your disfunction that you added to this relationship.
I had a saying at my desk "God didn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help".
Hits some alanon meetings, an addiction therapist or open aa meeting and recognize your contribution as an enabler in your marriage. As you can see, it has gotten you no where. You should have enough on your plate, educating yourself about addiction and codependency, then to be "helping" her with her issues. We need to own our own baggage before we help other people with theirs.
Hugs, you are asking great questions!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Heya Theguy
I recognize that feeling - I was/am going through the same thing. Even with Mrs Sectus in rehab, I felt like I needed to manage everything. Deal with the threatening situation. Tame the chaos.
I suppose it is to be expected. The alcoholism had let in a lot of bad noise, and my partner was unfunctioning, could not be trusted, was lying, did harmful things... and there was just me to make sure the damage was limited. This is baffling, threatening and terrifying, so I would go into crisis mode. I ran on a mixture of baffled anger and adrenaline. It was like one of those vaudeville acts where a clown is balancing spinning plates on tall poles, and me running around keeping all of them spinning, and every time one of them was going again, another would start to wobble at the other end of the stage...
Even when the drinking stopped for a little while, some of that feeling would remain. I think that for the last 5 years or so, it never really went away. It just sort of receded into the background a bit. At some level it was always present. There was always that anxious feeling in the back of my mind - what if she got drunk and I am not there? What am I going to find when I get home? Are the kids ok? Has she fallen and hurt herself again?
However, I found that as I started to learn about enabling behavior, codependency, and their relationship to alcoholism, it started to get a lot better. We are not in charge of fixing alcoholism. All we can do is look at ourselves, and start to notice the unhealthy things alcoholism has lured us into doing... even though we were not the ones drinking! I think first it is a good thing to give ourselves the time and space to heal up a bit first. Then, when we have had a chance to take a good deep breath, we can start to learn how to stop doing those unhealthy things to ourselves, bit by bit.
For me, mindfulness techniques helped a lot. The Rehab centre where she is also offers a lot of information and support. Are you looking into anything like that at all?
I recognize that feeling - I was/am going through the same thing. Even with Mrs Sectus in rehab, I felt like I needed to manage everything. Deal with the threatening situation. Tame the chaos.
I suppose it is to be expected. The alcoholism had let in a lot of bad noise, and my partner was unfunctioning, could not be trusted, was lying, did harmful things... and there was just me to make sure the damage was limited. This is baffling, threatening and terrifying, so I would go into crisis mode. I ran on a mixture of baffled anger and adrenaline. It was like one of those vaudeville acts where a clown is balancing spinning plates on tall poles, and me running around keeping all of them spinning, and every time one of them was going again, another would start to wobble at the other end of the stage...
Even when the drinking stopped for a little while, some of that feeling would remain. I think that for the last 5 years or so, it never really went away. It just sort of receded into the background a bit. At some level it was always present. There was always that anxious feeling in the back of my mind - what if she got drunk and I am not there? What am I going to find when I get home? Are the kids ok? Has she fallen and hurt herself again?
However, I found that as I started to learn about enabling behavior, codependency, and their relationship to alcoholism, it started to get a lot better. We are not in charge of fixing alcoholism. All we can do is look at ourselves, and start to notice the unhealthy things alcoholism has lured us into doing... even though we were not the ones drinking! I think first it is a good thing to give ourselves the time and space to heal up a bit first. Then, when we have had a chance to take a good deep breath, we can start to learn how to stop doing those unhealthy things to ourselves, bit by bit.
For me, mindfulness techniques helped a lot. The Rehab centre where she is also offers a lot of information and support. Are you looking into anything like that at all?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
