Theguy00

Hello I am new here just have something's I want to say and maybe get answers on

A bit of a background is that my wife is an alcoholic and she relapsed about two months ago and just three weeks ago I found out she cheated on me twice with a guy she meet. Before this I never had a sliver in my mind that she would ever do this to me. She said she did it because he bought her beer and she was already drunk and wanted to have fun. But she regrets the whole thing. The second time it happen was two days after that and she said he promised her beer again and went along with it. (She drinks from the time she wakes up till she sleeps. I say this because both times sheet him it was in the early afternoon). After this she went straight into looking for a rehab place because she didn't want to continue doing stupid things like that. She said she didn't know him very long only a few hours before he first time. But when he said I'm done with you and I don't want to talk to you any more she started crying and got mad. Right now she is away for treatment for 30 days and I'm trying to figure out if this is something she did because she wanted beer or if it's something more that's going to progress even after she is sober. She has other mental issues that are goi g on that I hope they can address while she is there. I don't know how to take all this as I said before I never had a feeling she would ever do this no matter how drunk she got. But this time she ran out of money and I guess to an alcoholic you try to get it in any way possible if not sure. I hope you guys can give me some advice and helpful tips on how to deal with this as I do want to try and keep our relationship together. Thank you.

SaveHer

Yikes, I can only imagine how confused and hurt you must feel. Let me tell you what I see, fwiw.

1. It doesn't matter if she cheated on you because she was drunk or not. There is no excuse for infidelity. You deserve to be with someone you can trust.

2. Assuming her story is true, she basically prostituted herself for beer. She seems pretty deep into her addiction if that's the case. You deserve to be with someone who makes safe, healthy choices.

3. If her story is not true, you may need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she was having an affair with this guy. It seems VERY suspicious that she cried when he didn't want to see her anymore... and I have a feeling you know that her story doesn't quite add up. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you question your better judgment.

Other people, wiser than me, will post soon, but I will end by pointing out that you can't change her or control her. Now is a good time to take care of you.

Theguy00

Yea I can see what you mean but it hard for me just to leave as we have two kids (3and2) we have been together for 9 years and I can say she feels very regretful and is sincerely sorry for what she did. That doesn't mean that if she relapses it won't happen again but I'm hoping that alcohol was the cause for all of it. When she was sober we were both very happy with our relationship and cheating or sleeping with other people was never a thing we talked about or even thought about. I'm hoping I can get more answers about what really happened when she gets out.

Dee74

Hi theguy

I understand standing by your woman - but two times - with the same guy...for beer?

Accepting that even if these were the only two times ever - thats some serious messed-upness and I say that as an alcoholic myself.

Being drunk shouldn't be a get out of jail free card, in my opinion.

again I'll accept your premise this was about alcohol but I'm not really sure it is.

I hope your wife throws herself into rehab and comes back more like the woman you thought you knew, but seriously, I'd be putting you and your kids welfare first.

D

Theguy00

I know it's not all the drinking I have to say i am probably part of the blame as never gave her the attention that I believe I should have given her. At time I would shrug her off when she wanted to hangout or do something as a family. I'm not trying to say that what she did was ok because it's not I'm just trying to think back on the last few months that lead up to this and drinking didn't help out with her decision. My kids and I are of course always first and I wouldn't do anything to put them or I ina bind from this because in the end if she comes out and starts drinking again that's not on me and at that point I would have to walk away for the saftey of my kids.

Vivisectus

My sympathy, theguy - that is a really confusing situation.

I suppose alcoholism and infidelity are sort of similar in a way: both involve a rejection of responsibility, a refusal to deal with problems, secrecy, and an escape into something that is completely apart from your loved one. I often feel like my AW cheats on me with her booze when she drinks, that she chooses to secretly go and do something that is harmful to her, to me, our family and our relationship, something that is harmful to the central pact that underpins our life together.

If this was me, I would not worry over-much about whether it is the booze that makes her do it or not. Both have been harmful to your relationship, both have caused damage. I would ask myself what the best way would be for me to heal, how I keep my family as happy as I can and help them heal. Create a base of stability and peace for yourself and for them first.

The 30 days will just be a starting point. Hopefully, it will be the beginning of a process that makes her more aware of herself, and how she can stop herself from falling into the cycle of denial, guilt and escape. Meanwhile you will go through a similar process. The both of you will have to examine your relationship as well, and see if there is a way forward. Either way there will have to be changes, I think.

But first things first.

PuzzledHeart

You certainly can shoulder the blame for problems in the marriage, but you can't blame yourself for the drinking and her affair.

Say your house is on fire. The appropriate response would be to call the fire department. The inappropriate response would be to set off a nuclear bomb. Because that would be crazy. Having an affair/becoming an alcoholic because you feel ignored IS crazy. Go to marriage counseling. Talk it out. That's appropriate. Not this.

My sister abused pot/alcohol and she had an affair which eventually ended her marriage. She accused her husband of many things, and for a while I was her defender. It took me a long time to realize that her affair was just another way that she ran away from her problems. The grownup thing to do would be to face it head on. But for many reasons she isn't able to do the grownup thing.

You'll have to be the grownup for your family.

Smarie78

I'm sorry for what's happened. My partner cheated on me many times and he also blamed it on his drinking. But it didn't matter. He cheated when he was dry too. Alcohol is not an excuse. There are many alcoholics who will drink to oblivion, and not cheat. I would listen to the posters above, especially notice that in SaveHer's response she is correct in each scenario that YOU DESERVE better - no matter what the reason your AW chose to do what she's done. Unfortunately, if she drinks day in and day out and sounds like she is deep into the addiction, and coupled with the cheating, I don't know if it will get better. At least not anytime soon. A 30 day program is nothing, just space to get ready for the real work should she want it. The reality is that when she comes out whether she recognizes she has a major problem and is committed to all the work that comes after.

If I can give you some advice, I wouldn't spend too much time trying to understand what made her cheat. Just like I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out what makes her drink (though educating yourself on the disease is helpful and I do encourage it). Both have nothing to do with you I can say confidently. Even the cheating. Many times for addicts it is another avenue to lessen pain. Anything to avoid feeling real feelings and replacing them with good feelings. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does help you to understand that it isn't your fault and instead all of their issues and how they choose to handle them. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn that all the analyzing and the whys do not matter. I have spent years trying to put rationale to the irrational. It still doesn't make sense, but that is the disease of alcoholism. All that truly matters is how the behaviors are impacting you. It's hard, but as the partner you almost have to turn selfish to get any relief. I wish you the best of luck. Please try and find an alanon meeting to go to.

Theguy00

wr are planning to go to a counselor when she gets and I'm going to one here in a few days. When she's sober I never had any fear of her cheating on my she never even talked to any guys that we didn't know out side of our life's together. When I found out about this I was in shock it never came in my mind that she would have ever done this. I want to try and start a new relationship with her not continue what we had but start from the beginning because the relationship that we had is dead now it's no longer there but the love I have for her is. I know that if she would start drinking again I would have to leave her because I don't want my kids going through it again. I guess I'm just hopping that it was just her being drunk and not being able to think about guilt or the future and just acting on impulse that she didn't think about it. I'm trying to get past it and I'm hurt by it yes but I also want to forget so that we ca start a new life together because even being hurt and angry and all the above I still love her and want to be with her.

atalose

Your relationship with her is forever changed, it will never be what it once was and it will take a whole lot of everything on both of your parts to make it better. She can’t focus on both right now, staying sober and a marriage one has to come before the other. Anything she puts ahead of her sobriety and strong recovery program she will eventually lose.

Even if alcohol is the blame for her cheating, she’s an alcoholic, and that is for lif. Is that really how you want to live your life, always wondering where she is, who she is with , is she drinking again, are the kids alright, does she have someone on the side, etc. etc. It takes a very long time re-building trust and that can’t even begin until she’s had a good amount of sober time under her belt.

Rehab is not a solution, it’s an opportunity if she takes it and then it will be months and months of witnessing her behaviors and her actions with her recovery work to see if she continues to want to remain sober.

It’s a tuff life, it’s a painful life, it’s an un-trusting life…………..

BAW81

Please remember that your two kids are the ones who you need to focus on right now. She is a grown woman making her own choices but they are innocent in all of this. Please think long and hard about their well-being.

What if she drove them drunk and got into an accident?
What if she drank so much and passed out while they were in her care?
What do you think they experience while with a mother who is more focused on alcohol than them?

They might be young but they are also little sponges, especially at that age. They need love, focused attention, and emotional support.

"Staying together" with an alcoholic for the good of the children is in fact hurting the children you think you're helping.

Your children need you to be strong and they need your protection for their mother.

Theguy00

Thank you guys for all the responses. You guys have been help and I see that I have a lot to think about not just in my future but my kids future and we're I want to see us in the next few years. I will keep updating on how I feel and what's going on with her in rehab as I find out. Thank you guys so much.

BAW81

One more thing to think about with regard to your children is therapy to help them during this time. It's basically play therapy for young children but it helps them process things that are confusing which I am sure this situation is for them as it is confusing for you.

It's something I'm going to do for my child.

Good luck with everything!

Theguy00

Update I got to talk to her for the first time since she went to rehab. I asked her why she did what she did and she said she was looking for attention and there are a couple ways to take it as in she just wanted something more or that I wasn't giving her the attention she needed it was a short call so we didn't get into detail much. Another thing is they did diagnose her with ptsd and she is bipolar so that plays into why she turns to drinking for an escape. I am going to try and make things work with her when she gets out even tho most of the comments on her say I should move on that I deserve something better but I believe that when she gets sober and is healthy mentally our relationship will work. What do you guys think?

honeypig

It seems like you're taking the blame, to at least some extent, for her actions. A lot of us have done that, mostly b/c we believe that if we are the CAUSE of the drinking/cheating/whatever, we also have the power to STOP the drinking/cheating/whatever by OUR actions. Usually all it does is drive us to exhaustion as we try to meet the ever-escalating demands of our spouse or partner. Each time they drink or cheat, it's blamed on US--we didn't do the exactly right thing, so they had no choice but to drink/cheat/whatever. Think long and hard before deciding that it was YOUR fault, to ANY extent, that she chose to cheat on you. I'm guessing that you weren't getting a lot of attention either, but did YOU decide to cheat?

It's good to have a diagnosis, but simply having one doesn't change a thing. She still needs to do all the work associated w/recovery from an addiction PLUS handle the PTSD and bipolar issues.

You can try to make things work w/her all you want, but unless SHE also chooses that, you are doomed to failure. One person alone does not a marriage make, no matter how hard he/she tries.

You say WHEN she gets sober and is healthy mentally, your relationship will work. IF she gets sober and is healthy mentally, your relationship MAY work. First of all, she has to make the decision to do the hard, hard work involved in overcoming alcoholism, PTSD and BPD. This is a decision many, many alcoholics never make, or never stick to. It's not impossible, but SHE has to do this work. You cannot do it for her, however much you love her. You cannot "support" her into sobriety and mental health, no matter what you do.

Secondly, neither you nor she has the slightest idea who she is going to turn out to be, if and when she really does embrace recovery and gets a year or two of solid sobriety/recovery behind her. Many here have found that early recovery is a terrible time, almost worse than the drinking days. It's not like the A comes home from rehab as the person you thought you knew, but minus the bad parts--it's not like taking your car to the mechanic, he removes the broken water pump and installs a new one, and everything is now hunky dory. The A has to totally rebuild his/her life, has to learn all the life lessons that they've missed out on b/c they numbed out w/alcohol. It is NOT a pretty thing, by all accounts.

Theguy, I certainly can't tell you whether you should stay or go, or when, or how. What I will tell you is that if you put 1/10 as much energy into finding support for yourself and educating yourself as you have into your concerns for your wife, you will definitely benefit, and so will your child, who needs at least one healthy and rational parent. Coming here was a great first step. I'd strongly suggest some face-to-face support also. Alanon was a great resource for me, and the combo of SR and Alanon has done a lot for me in terms of learning and growth over the past few years.

Take some of that laser focus off of your wife and put it on yourself and your daughter. Your wife has her battles to fight, while you have your own. They will take all your strength, so take care of yourself.

One more thing: Regarding your wife driving drunk--I know it doesn't seem real, doesn't seem possible that something very bad could happen. But yes, it CAN. First, think about the possible loss of life involved. Could you deal with knowing she killed someone driving drunk and you KNEW she was driving drunk? Second, think about the possible legal/financial consequences. Wife in jail? Huge lawsuit that causes bankruptcy? Drunk driving is deadly serious. Please treat it as such.

Seren

Hello Theguy, I am sorry to read about what is going on with your wife. I can only imagine how hard this has been on you, especially with small children.

I will never tell you what you "should" do--stay or leave. But I am glad you have found us. A well-informed decision always has the best chance.

I have never been married to an active alcoholic, but it seems to me that there are two different concerns: the alcoholism, and the other mental health issues. One thing that I have read but is not typically discussed, people with bi-polar disorder are *much* more likely to have affairs. It is one of the symptoms of the disease. So the cause (boredom, lack of attention, fell out of love, whatever) may not be the same as for someone who does not suffer from bi-polar disorder.

I have sympathy for your wife. She does have quite a road ahead of her. And I hope that you will get support for yourself through all of this. You deserve to be able to come to a place of peace and joy in your life, too.

lmrs

Hey Theguy, I hope you can organize your thoughts an make the right decisions for your two kids. Just the though of putting everything bad behind you and start a new life together with your wife is extremely admirable. However I am still not sure at this point if is better wait and go through with the recovery or if is just better start fresh on your own...

I am in a similar situation, and am loosing my mind. I even feel like I am not fit to take care of my little 3 year old because I am so upset.

Good on you for keeping it together!

Eauchiche

Dear Guy
I have a mental picture for you that might seem harsh.
Imagine someone drowning in a lake filled with beer. They are flailing their arms and screaming for help. They are surrounded by boats, buoys, and other flotation devices.

They ignore the help that is already there, and they are screaming for YOU to save them. If you do not jump in and drown with them, they will go under, and it will be all your fault.

Recovery is not done in tandem with someone else, even if it is your wife. YOU must decide to embrace your own recovery and protect your children.

dandylion

TheGuy.....O.K. The presence of bi-polar, in addition to ptsd and alcoholism, does present a more complicated picture....
It goes without saying, that your wife must always be under the care of mental health professionals...in addition to a program for the alcoholism....
None of these things can be treated in isolation...although, the drinking must be put to rest before anything else can be managed......
You are going to need as much support as she does.....

I am, also, going to give you this link to our library of articles o n alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. I hope you will look them over and read the ones that appeal and apply to you....
Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Theguy00

Thank you g it's for all the responses. The pain that A do is a tough one an all the people around them. And at some point you do need to do what's best for you. I am currently getting help for me and being on here is helping me to I am going to Alanon meets and sitting down with people from that group afterwards.

I know that what she did was unacceptable in every way even if I had a part in it but the time will come when the hurt she is causing is going to be to much and I will be done for good. As of right now I can't give up on her and I don't mean that I'm going to carry her to recovery or fource her to it. She has all the resources she needs for her self to get better and she grabbed them her self and said I'm doing this for me for my kids for us. I can't go into the future thinking she's going to drink because she wanted recovery and maybe it won't work maybe she will come back and in a few months start again but that's on her and I will keep my life moving on for my kids and if she wants to be stuck in the same place let that be but it won't be with us. When the time comes I will know that I'm truly done and that she truly doesn't want to change or can't help it. I know she wants to get better and stay better.

If she does come out a whole different person then who I fell in love with the first time and we decide to both move on. Then let it be because I'm the end I saw her get better and that she is able to live a good life. But the satisfaction of seeing it even with out being with her will be everything and if she destroyed it then that's on her and I have to let her go.

I don't want to live in the past I need to live for the future and I see hope. You can't rewrite the past but you can write the future. I am hoping that after this she doesn't fall into a hole again but you can only do so much for someone.


Thank you all for the responses I wasn't very sure that writing on here would help but boy was I wrong this place is wonderful and I will let everyone that is going through living with an A know about it. Something's on here are hard to read and tough to fully understand without taking a step back and a lot of it you don't want to hear but In The end it's all knowledge. Lot of the comments I have read for me just say move on for your kids for you but i am not I have faith that everything will be ok and maybe that's wrong because when does one stop but we all have our limits and only we know when we have had enough and what keeps me going is that she has faith and she was willing without anyone fourcing her to go in. I truly know she want to get better. Thank you all.