Need Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
Need Advice
Hi, I am new to these forums.
My beautiful AH of 8 years has recently taken to drugs and alcohol. It all started 16 months ago when he moved away to a new, dream job; this job required him to move to another town in another province and to live on the road in the summer. He is secluded from all his friends and his family (including me). Our visits started as monthly, and now they are every three/four months.
First it was drugs, then about 4 months ago he quit that (mostly), and now he is compensating with alcohol. He is a regular nightly drinker of wine or beer; if it is beer, it can be 15+ cans per night. I don't know how much wine he drinks. He occasionally still uses drugs.
He is constantly lying to me. Last night, I swore I could hear in his voice that he was drunk (over the phone). He kept telling me that he was 3 days clean, but then one thing he said gave it all away! He couldn't remember what he did a few minutes prior, and I knew right at that moment he was drinking! He finally admitted it. I said I had to go and I went to bed.
Today, I woke to video messages from him, and I knew he was still drinking/drunk. He didn't go to work, and he claimed to have lost his work phone.
So many things have revealed themselves over the past few weeks. I found out that all the email money transfers I sent to his cousins (with his money) were in fact actually for him, and was just another way to hide the money being used from me. I found out he has driven his work truck so drunk that he fell to the floor in the local minimart; right after he hopped back in his marked work truck and drove away. He bought himself a new expensive truck, and he is driving that drunk, filling up the gas with his work visa card. So far he has used $100 (stolen)!
This man who was the nicest person has gone off the deep end!!! Because I am back in university, and my finances are minimal, I have begged him to turn to his parents for help. To: #1) get his life straight (attend rehab), and #2) refocus and get a new job, or go back to school to finish a different higher level degree. I have begged him to see a psychiatrist for an ADHD diagnosis. I have paid for him to see a counsellor once, but he refused to go to any more session. All these things he refuses to do!
Meanwhile, I am in school, learning of his theft of gas, his morning drunkenness, his lies, etc. I can't focus, I can't listen to the prof, I'm handing things in late, and I even go to the bathroom to cry sometimes. I'm losing it right along side him.
I swore last night's lie was the last, but then he kept begging me to talk to him and I gave in. I don't know how to say no. I don't know what to do.
I am suffering alone. I don't have him to turn to , and I would never tell my new friends in this new university what I am going through. My family cannot know. I am virtually alone in all this, and I am really hurting (for him and for how this all makes me feel).
Help! Please.
My beautiful AH of 8 years has recently taken to drugs and alcohol. It all started 16 months ago when he moved away to a new, dream job; this job required him to move to another town in another province and to live on the road in the summer. He is secluded from all his friends and his family (including me). Our visits started as monthly, and now they are every three/four months.
First it was drugs, then about 4 months ago he quit that (mostly), and now he is compensating with alcohol. He is a regular nightly drinker of wine or beer; if it is beer, it can be 15+ cans per night. I don't know how much wine he drinks. He occasionally still uses drugs.
He is constantly lying to me. Last night, I swore I could hear in his voice that he was drunk (over the phone). He kept telling me that he was 3 days clean, but then one thing he said gave it all away! He couldn't remember what he did a few minutes prior, and I knew right at that moment he was drinking! He finally admitted it. I said I had to go and I went to bed.
Today, I woke to video messages from him, and I knew he was still drinking/drunk. He didn't go to work, and he claimed to have lost his work phone.
So many things have revealed themselves over the past few weeks. I found out that all the email money transfers I sent to his cousins (with his money) were in fact actually for him, and was just another way to hide the money being used from me. I found out he has driven his work truck so drunk that he fell to the floor in the local minimart; right after he hopped back in his marked work truck and drove away. He bought himself a new expensive truck, and he is driving that drunk, filling up the gas with his work visa card. So far he has used $100 (stolen)!
This man who was the nicest person has gone off the deep end!!! Because I am back in university, and my finances are minimal, I have begged him to turn to his parents for help. To: #1) get his life straight (attend rehab), and #2) refocus and get a new job, or go back to school to finish a different higher level degree. I have begged him to see a psychiatrist for an ADHD diagnosis. I have paid for him to see a counsellor once, but he refused to go to any more session. All these things he refuses to do!
Meanwhile, I am in school, learning of his theft of gas, his morning drunkenness, his lies, etc. I can't focus, I can't listen to the prof, I'm handing things in late, and I even go to the bathroom to cry sometimes. I'm losing it right along side him.
I swore last night's lie was the last, but then he kept begging me to talk to him and I gave in. I don't know how to say no. I don't know what to do.
I am suffering alone. I don't have him to turn to , and I would never tell my new friends in this new university what I am going through. My family cannot know. I am virtually alone in all this, and I am really hurting (for him and for how this all makes me feel).
Help! Please.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
This is so hard
I am sorry you are going through this. On one hand, it is hard because you are so far away so you don't know exactly what is going on. On the other hand, it is good that you could theoretically be able to detach more easily since you are not living together.
Do you share a bank account? Do his parents know what is going on? How did you find out about the work truck incident and him stealing money?
There are some boundaries you can make, but you will have to figure out what you can do. Definitely don't waste your emotional breath with him on the phone when he is drunk...you would be more productive watching an apple rot than to do that.
Do you share a bank account? Do his parents know what is going on? How did you find out about the work truck incident and him stealing money?
There are some boundaries you can make, but you will have to figure out what you can do. Definitely don't waste your emotional breath with him on the phone when he is drunk...you would be more productive watching an apple rot than to do that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
No, we don't share a bank account, but I have access to his account. For awhile, he was begging me to manage his money, and I did, sending him an allowance, but that didn't work. I gave up. He spent all his money once he controlled it then blamed me (because I didn't help him).
I told his sisters about the drug use back in December. He had gone home for the holidays and his family knew something was up, and they called me. He was drinking, he missed parts of his sister's wedding, he disappeared for days. I spilled the beans. It was a big deal because they harassed him for months and months after that. His cousin called him every week to discuss money and other things.
His family is overseas. His mom flew here for a week in May, and he admitted a lot of bad stuff to her (he gambled the money they gave him for school, he didn't' finish his degree like they thought, etc.). He added a lot of lies into the truth, but he mostly admitted the truth. The last day his mom was here, he went on a bender. Since then though, his parents think he is on track. His sisters too. I want so badly to tell his sisters what is really going on, but then I lost a lot of trust with him last time I told them. He is worse now than then.
He admits things to me occasionally - the work truck incident, the stolen money. He tells me he knows he screwed up. That he is sick. I say, "if you are so sick, then go get help" but there is no response.
He feels that if he goes home, he loses everything (me, his job, his truck, his financial independence (not that he has any money), etc.). Every single time, he says he can make this change on his own. He never does, he isn't able to.
I told his sisters about the drug use back in December. He had gone home for the holidays and his family knew something was up, and they called me. He was drinking, he missed parts of his sister's wedding, he disappeared for days. I spilled the beans. It was a big deal because they harassed him for months and months after that. His cousin called him every week to discuss money and other things.
His family is overseas. His mom flew here for a week in May, and he admitted a lot of bad stuff to her (he gambled the money they gave him for school, he didn't' finish his degree like they thought, etc.). He added a lot of lies into the truth, but he mostly admitted the truth. The last day his mom was here, he went on a bender. Since then though, his parents think he is on track. His sisters too. I want so badly to tell his sisters what is really going on, but then I lost a lot of trust with him last time I told them. He is worse now than then.
He admits things to me occasionally - the work truck incident, the stolen money. He tells me he knows he screwed up. That he is sick. I say, "if you are so sick, then go get help" but there is no response.
He feels that if he goes home, he loses everything (me, his job, his truck, his financial independence (not that he has any money), etc.). Every single time, he says he can make this change on his own. He never does, he isn't able to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
"So many things have revealed themselves over the past few weeks."
And they will continue to be revealed. I can almost guarantee that your current knowledge of the extent of his problem is only the tip of the iceberg. I ended things with my AXBF five months ago, and I'm still learning about the lies he told me, the things he stole from me, and the ways he led me to believe "he's not that bad." For example, AXBF stole from me and my family to feed his addiction. He also claimed my bike was stolen after he used it to ride to work one day, but only weeks later after I noticed my bike was missing and confronted him about it. He says he didn't tell me sooner because he didn't want me to be mad. At the time, I believed him. That's how sick and in denial I was. Now that I've separated myself from his lies and manipulation, I see things through a clearer, healthier lens--and it feels so good.
You sound like you have a lot going for you at university with a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. Please know that there is nothing you can say or do to help him. All you can do is take care of yourself. Right now, it sounds like he is looking out for his best interest and so are you, at the expense of your schoolwork and your sanity. Who is looking out for you?
Keep posting. I hope SR will be as eye-opening for you as it has been for me.
And they will continue to be revealed. I can almost guarantee that your current knowledge of the extent of his problem is only the tip of the iceberg. I ended things with my AXBF five months ago, and I'm still learning about the lies he told me, the things he stole from me, and the ways he led me to believe "he's not that bad." For example, AXBF stole from me and my family to feed his addiction. He also claimed my bike was stolen after he used it to ride to work one day, but only weeks later after I noticed my bike was missing and confronted him about it. He says he didn't tell me sooner because he didn't want me to be mad. At the time, I believed him. That's how sick and in denial I was. Now that I've separated myself from his lies and manipulation, I see things through a clearer, healthier lens--and it feels so good.
You sound like you have a lot going for you at university with a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. Please know that there is nothing you can say or do to help him. All you can do is take care of yourself. Right now, it sounds like he is looking out for his best interest and so are you, at the expense of your schoolwork and your sanity. Who is looking out for you?
Keep posting. I hope SR will be as eye-opening for you as it has been for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My family cannot know.
I want so badly to tell his sisters what is really going on, but then I lost a lot of trust with him last time I told them.
If you read the stories on this forum, you will hear time and time again how the addict isolates the partner from his/her family and friends. Asking you to keep a secret creates a you and me against the world dynamic which at this point serves him very well. You serve as a buffer between him and his family. You help him create an illusion of independence. And that means he can continue to delude himself into thinking he's ok, even if he tells you otherwise. The very cynical part of me thinks that he makes these admissions to you and your family so you can believe he is making progress even when he has no interest in moving forward.
As for you, keeping that secret inside is an unsustainable endeavor. It's going to consume you the longer it festers inside you. I was abused as a child and I kept that secret with me for years before it finally busted through. It took a major bout of depression and several rounds of suicide ideation before I recognized that the pain had become too much to bear. You may not recognize this at the moment, but you may be going through something very similar.
His secret is HIS secret - not yours. He shouldn't expect you to keep it. He is the one abusing alcohol and drugs, not you. He WANTS you to, but it doesn't mean you HAVE to. As SaveHer said, he seems to have no hesitation acting for his own "best interests", so you need to watch out for yourself.
PS. Also, even though he has income and you don't, make sure you review your credit history to ensure that he hasn't applied for credit cards in your name. There is one SR member I know of whose ex-husband did that, and she's still getting calls from creditors even though she divorced him.
But please, PLEASE take care of yourself. University can be an incredible experience, but it's so hard to be open to all it can offer when you're carrying a shattered heart. Does the campus have counseling services? It would be good to get some support IRL in addition to SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i second PuzzledHeart on checking out for any counseling services available to students. if you don't feel you can turn to family or friends, having one "safe" person to talk things out with can be invaluable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
It is bloody hard to see someone circle the drain. I wish you strength and clarity.
One thing though: be careful of getting sucked into the crazy. You cannot do this for him, nor can you fix him, or protect him from the damage he is doing to himself. He has to do that, and the more people enable his addicted behavior, or try to alleviate the consequences, the longer that will take.
Just look what the worry and stress is doing to you! If I saw someone struggling the way you described, I would wonder if they were the ones having addiction problems - that is how much of an impact being around an addict / alcoholic can have.
Fortunately, that is something you can do something about. Reach out. Talk to friends and family, maybe find some counselling. You have no guilty secrets to hide. You didn't do anything wrong, and you don't need to go through this alone.
One thing though: be careful of getting sucked into the crazy. You cannot do this for him, nor can you fix him, or protect him from the damage he is doing to himself. He has to do that, and the more people enable his addicted behavior, or try to alleviate the consequences, the longer that will take.
Just look what the worry and stress is doing to you! If I saw someone struggling the way you described, I would wonder if they were the ones having addiction problems - that is how much of an impact being around an addict / alcoholic can have.
Fortunately, that is something you can do something about. Reach out. Talk to friends and family, maybe find some counselling. You have no guilty secrets to hide. You didn't do anything wrong, and you don't need to go through this alone.
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