Rehab - one week in
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Rehab - one week in
4 years ago we finally admitted that my wife is an alcoholic. It has been a rough road - she is one of those alcoholics that really frikking commits to drinking when she is in one of her bouts. Hung over as hell for a few hours in the morning, and 3 sheets to the wind again by noon. From then on she drinks, naps (or just passes out), wakes up, drinks more until the small hours.
This goes on for between 1 to 6 weeks, at which stage she will hit some horrendous low point. Then she dries up, goes through withdrawal for 5 days, and then stays sober for anywhere between a few weeks to a few months. Her record is 5 months.
Rince, lather, and repeat!
Only it does not just repeat. It is escalating. The things she is willing to do in order to keep drinking are getting worse. The hurt she is willing to cause to shut up anyone who challenges her with her drinking is getting worse as well. Every time she drunkenly burns a bridge, it is that much easier to burn another one the next time. The alcoholism is eroding everything - the trust and respect between us, between her and the kids, her self-respect, everything. And during the last 2 bouts a new and worrying trend has emerged: she is starting to involve our youngest in the awful manipulative crap she pulls when she is drunk. She is only 12.
Fortunately, this is not something she would ever dream of accepting if she was sober, so when me and my oldest daughter confronted her with it during a relatively clear moment, she agreed to go to rehab. She has been in there for a week now.
So far I am cautiously optimistic. She seems to be really going for it, and everyone in the family gets involved, and gets to explain how the alcoholism affected them, how they experienced it. It is a lot for her to process, and the rehab programme seems to be pretty frikking intensive, but I am starting to see how it could just work.
At least I can show our youngest that she does not have to ignore the elefant in the room. That when stuff like this happens, the adults come together and sort it out, rather than pretend it does not exist. I grew up in a household like that, and it sucked.
So, on to week 2!
This goes on for between 1 to 6 weeks, at which stage she will hit some horrendous low point. Then she dries up, goes through withdrawal for 5 days, and then stays sober for anywhere between a few weeks to a few months. Her record is 5 months.
Rince, lather, and repeat!
Only it does not just repeat. It is escalating. The things she is willing to do in order to keep drinking are getting worse. The hurt she is willing to cause to shut up anyone who challenges her with her drinking is getting worse as well. Every time she drunkenly burns a bridge, it is that much easier to burn another one the next time. The alcoholism is eroding everything - the trust and respect between us, between her and the kids, her self-respect, everything. And during the last 2 bouts a new and worrying trend has emerged: she is starting to involve our youngest in the awful manipulative crap she pulls when she is drunk. She is only 12.
Fortunately, this is not something she would ever dream of accepting if she was sober, so when me and my oldest daughter confronted her with it during a relatively clear moment, she agreed to go to rehab. She has been in there for a week now.
So far I am cautiously optimistic. She seems to be really going for it, and everyone in the family gets involved, and gets to explain how the alcoholism affected them, how they experienced it. It is a lot for her to process, and the rehab programme seems to be pretty frikking intensive, but I am starting to see how it could just work.
At least I can show our youngest that she does not have to ignore the elefant in the room. That when stuff like this happens, the adults come together and sort it out, rather than pretend it does not exist. I grew up in a household like that, and it sucked.
So, on to week 2!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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V,
Glad your wife is getting help for her disease, but what about the rest of you?
This is a family disease, mom gets well, but you all deal with the pain she has caused for so many years? I think you might look into alanon or open aa meetings or an adiction therapist for the sober people. Your kids could hit an alateen meeting. I hate to pop the bubble, but her recovery is a very long process and chances of her sticking to her sobriety is low. Please be prepared and have a plan.
What are you going to do if she gets out and drinks? Go and read the forum on adult children of alcoholics. Read about how they wished that mom or dad had left the alcoholic in their life. Sometimes its not always best to stay with the addict. All I am saying is there is work for everyone, in this family disease of alcoholism. It will never work if you are all not on board and owning what you need to do. Keep posting and reading and educating yourself. More will be revealed with your addict. Hugs my friend!!
Glad your wife is getting help for her disease, but what about the rest of you?
This is a family disease, mom gets well, but you all deal with the pain she has caused for so many years? I think you might look into alanon or open aa meetings or an adiction therapist for the sober people. Your kids could hit an alateen meeting. I hate to pop the bubble, but her recovery is a very long process and chances of her sticking to her sobriety is low. Please be prepared and have a plan.
What are you going to do if she gets out and drinks? Go and read the forum on adult children of alcoholics. Read about how they wished that mom or dad had left the alcoholic in their life. Sometimes its not always best to stay with the addict. All I am saying is there is work for everyone, in this family disease of alcoholism. It will never work if you are all not on board and owning what you need to do. Keep posting and reading and educating yourself. More will be revealed with your addict. Hugs my friend!!
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Yeah, I do realize that. I am attending the weekly relationship therapy sessions at the rehab clinic, and I am reviewing the different linked after-care programmes they have for the rest of the family as well as for Mrs Sectus. Not sure yet which route I am going to take, but I am going to make sure the older kids at least try one out. They are in their mid twenties, so they will have to make their own decisions in that regard.
I have made it clear that if she goes back to drinking every few months, she can go and do that elsewhere. I could perhaps deal with more of this if it was just me, but I am not having it around the children anymore. I have already accepted far more than is healthy, and it is about time I started doing my damn job as a father in this respect. It would be heartbreaking for us and for the kids, but so is watching her drink herself to an early grave.
As for myself, I feel rather positive at the moment. Part of her therapy is listening to my experiences and those of the children, and then working through her reactions to it. It was good just to explain how hard it is to be the guy in charge of the drunk-tank for weeks first, only to have to change into being her therapist and chief cheer-leader right after. It is like someone hits you, and then expects you to feel sorry for and help tend their cracked knuckles, while almost no time is spent on your own broken nose.
I want to do more of that. And then I want her to tell me about the things I do to make her recovery more difficult. I want to build, and work, and I can just see that it might just, with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, work out.
I have made it clear that if she goes back to drinking every few months, she can go and do that elsewhere. I could perhaps deal with more of this if it was just me, but I am not having it around the children anymore. I have already accepted far more than is healthy, and it is about time I started doing my damn job as a father in this respect. It would be heartbreaking for us and for the kids, but so is watching her drink herself to an early grave.
As for myself, I feel rather positive at the moment. Part of her therapy is listening to my experiences and those of the children, and then working through her reactions to it. It was good just to explain how hard it is to be the guy in charge of the drunk-tank for weeks first, only to have to change into being her therapist and chief cheer-leader right after. It is like someone hits you, and then expects you to feel sorry for and help tend their cracked knuckles, while almost no time is spent on your own broken nose.
I want to do more of that. And then I want her to tell me about the things I do to make her recovery more difficult. I want to build, and work, and I can just see that it might just, with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work, work out.
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Originally Posted by Vivisectus 
It was good just to explain how hard it is to be the guy in charge of the drunk-tank for weeks first, only to have to change into being her therapist and chief cheer-leader right after. It is like someone hits you, and then expects you to feel sorry for and help tend their cracked knuckles, while almost no time is spent on your own broken nose.
I've told a story here about my AH's stint at rehab--I had 4 kids from 2-9 at the time, and was working. The morning we were driving to rehab I got up early, ran around making sure he had what he needed. He asked for a hairbrush. We only had one hairbrush, so I gave it to him--before brushing my own hair. I dressed the kids. He dressed in a starched shirt (I starched it), blazer, Cole-Hahn shoes. Meanwhile, I really didn't have time to shower. I grabbed the t-shirt and jeans I had worn the day before and we got in the car. I thought I was going to just drop him off at the rehab, which was 2 hours away.
But when we got there, he asked me to come in with him. We went up to the registration desk and they asked who we were, and we gave our last name.
Then the nurse came around the desk, put her arm around my shoulders and said "Don't worry, dear, we'll take good care of you here."
It is SO important for you to take care of yourself, be compassionate, but don't give up on YOU!!! Do what YOU need to do to stay healthy.
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Originally Posted by Vivisectus
At least I can show our youngest that she does not have to ignore the elefant in the room. That when stuff like this happens, the adults come together and sort it out, rather than pretend it does not exist. I grew up in a household like that, and it sucked.
So, on to week 2!
When my ex's addiction was not as advanced as it is now, he made some honest efforts to stop drinking and sober up, and I could see how this affected our daughter - she saw her father struggling with his problem and not just letting it take its course. She respected that and really believed in him.
Unfortunately, he's worse now, and lies or makes halfhearted excuses about his drinking and his intentions to stop, and I can see Kid getting more cynical - she doesn't even really bother to believe that he's ever going to quit. I too would have a lot more respect for an addict who was honest about their addiction and working at recovery than I have for one who lies and minimizes. So even if your wife has setbacks when she gets out of rehab, I think it's important that her child sees her as a "responsible" addict rather than an irresponsible one. And it sounds like that's happening.
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As a mother of a child of the same age bracket (12), please make sure she gets counseling. It has made a world of difference for my child, you have no idea the hurts that are buried in there due to an alcoholic parent.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
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Thanks for the tips and encouragement guys!
She seems to be doing rather well with all of this so far, and we are very close and share a lot, so I am fairly confident that there is not too much fear and confusion there. But yeah - I am setting that up through the rehab clinic for sure, just to make sure I am not missing anything.
Realizing this came as a total shock to me, and yet it makes such perfect sense. One of those things that seemed so obvious once someone pointed it out to me, but I never even considered it before.
How the hell are you going to keep yourself going, and help your family deal, and try to do the right thing for an alcoholic loved one if you are a walking wounded yourself? Put your own oxygen mask on first. If you don't, you will just pass out trying to fix everyone else's. Sheesh I better give the metaphors a break for a while now, right?
I am really hoping that openly and actively working on recovery is going to bring back some of the trust and respect that was lost, though so far the relationship between her and her mum has not suffered too much yet. I think I am luckier than most in that respect.
Dayum - respect! That is one hell of a lot to have to take on in one go. You must be a damn capable lady to handle all that! Heh that makes my situation seem like a doddle in comparison. Am I suffering from the alcoholic spouse equivalent of man-flu? 
Funny how we tend to forget this, isn't it? The urge is always to do more, run more, sort more, and protect more. And then you get to a point where you can't anymore, and then you feel guilty for not having anything left to give, and then that guilt makes you make mistakes or get angry, and hey presto! You have 2 problems in stead of one. And still just you to deal with them.
As a mother of a child of the same age bracket (12), please make sure she gets counseling. It has made a world of difference for my child, you have no idea the hurts that are buried in there due to an alcoholic parent.
Going to hopefully be walking away from repetitive blows and certainly nursing my own wounds before I go fixing knuckles or comforting the he/she that swung at me!
How the hell are you going to keep yourself going, and help your family deal, and try to do the right thing for an alcoholic loved one if you are a walking wounded yourself? Put your own oxygen mask on first. If you don't, you will just pass out trying to fix everyone else's. Sheesh I better give the metaphors a break for a while now, right?
When my ex's addiction was not as advanced as it is now, he made some honest efforts to stop drinking and sober up, and I could see how this affected our daughter - she saw her father struggling with his problem and not just letting it take its course. She respected that and really believed in him.
I've told a story here about my AH's stint at rehab--I had 4 kids from 2-9 at the time, and was working.
It is SO important for you to take care of yourself, be compassionate, but don't give up on YOU!!! Do what YOU need to do to stay healthy.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I just read an article in the NYT about Whitney Houston, and this part kind of resonated. I'm obviously not Whitney Houston, and I've never had my family on a million dollar payroll BUT, this is what her best friend said about why she died:
“The record company, the band members, her family, her friends, me — she fed everybody,” she wrote. “Deep
down inside that’s what made her tired.”
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/30/s...=top-news&_r=0
I think the idea of one person in the relationship doing all the feeding hit a chord with me.
“The record company, the band members, her family, her friends, me — she fed everybody,” she wrote. “Deep
down inside that’s what made her tired.”
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/30/s...=top-news&_r=0
I think the idea of one person in the relationship doing all the feeding hit a chord with me.
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Originally Posted by Vivisectus
Heh that makes my situation seem like a doddle in comparison. Am I suffering from the alcoholic spouse equivalent of man-flu?
A's can tell many stories about how they weren't as bad as someone they heard share at an AA meeting or read about, and so they decided they weren't a real alcoholic and didn't need meetings/therapy/rehab/whatever.
We on the other side have our own "not as bad as" hangups--our A doesn't hit us, has a job, seems to love the kids, is really soooo sweet when sober, and on and on. Nope, we convince ourselves we don't need help either, b/c we are not as bad as X, Y or Z.
I read your post as if you are truly joking, so I don't want to seem too heavy-handed here, but I do want to make absolutely sure it's understood that you don't have to have a certain level of chaos, abuse, financial struggle, legal issues or anything else in order to be here or Alanon or anywhere else you might choose to get help. The Alanon site says you qualify if "your life has been affected by someone else's drinking." You do belong, and we're glad you came.
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