Daughter of recovered(ing) alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Daughter of recovered(ing) alcoholic
Hi everyone,
I am completely new here and actually not 100% sure that I should be here as technically my mum is no longer an alcoholic and has actually gone around 15 years without touching alcohol. I know, it's a massive accomplishment and she really has done amazing.
The issue I now face is though that 15 years on I am not turning 25 and seriously struggling with anxiety over areas that I cannot control in life. When my mum was an alcoholic my dad was also in the hospital in a really really bad way. He was in for around a year and when he eventually got out he could no longer touch alcohol due to his health conditions. My mum of course continued which led to a continued unsteady home environment with parents leaving and coming back and also some violence.
Now looking at my life, if you didn't know me when this was happening then you wouldn't know I had went through anything. People look at how much I have accomplished for my age (my own home with my partner, a good job, a degree) and assume that i've always had it easy.
I feel like i'm digressing but this all feels so relevant to me. My partner knows roughly how my childhood was but not to the full extent and at the moment I just can't get a grip back on my anxiety.
My partner is only 23, living his life as he should be, going out with his friends and drinking. I feel like its important to point out that I do also enjoy alcohol at weekends etc.
My issue is that my partner can sometimes go for nights out and come back drunk (which he has a right to) and I respond with anger because I panic. He can often fall asleep when he's drunk too and I just cannot control my anxiety.
It is not fair on him because as soon as he mentions a night out with friends I freeze, I panic and I respond by not speaking to him or just going into myself.
I just don't know how to explain myself. How to explain that when he comes home drunk i get flashbacks of picking my mum up off of the floor or when im waiting on him coming home I go back to the times when I would walk home from school wondering how I would find my mum at home.
I'm getting upset writing this because I have never been able to speak to anyone who may actually understand where I am coming from. I can't speak to my mum or dad from the fear of upsetting them and I don't know how to speak to my partner without fully breaking down.
Any advice or support would be a massive help.
Also you deserve a medal if you made it to the end of this and understood anything i've said!
I am completely new here and actually not 100% sure that I should be here as technically my mum is no longer an alcoholic and has actually gone around 15 years without touching alcohol. I know, it's a massive accomplishment and she really has done amazing.
The issue I now face is though that 15 years on I am not turning 25 and seriously struggling with anxiety over areas that I cannot control in life. When my mum was an alcoholic my dad was also in the hospital in a really really bad way. He was in for around a year and when he eventually got out he could no longer touch alcohol due to his health conditions. My mum of course continued which led to a continued unsteady home environment with parents leaving and coming back and also some violence.
Now looking at my life, if you didn't know me when this was happening then you wouldn't know I had went through anything. People look at how much I have accomplished for my age (my own home with my partner, a good job, a degree) and assume that i've always had it easy.
I feel like i'm digressing but this all feels so relevant to me. My partner knows roughly how my childhood was but not to the full extent and at the moment I just can't get a grip back on my anxiety.
My partner is only 23, living his life as he should be, going out with his friends and drinking. I feel like its important to point out that I do also enjoy alcohol at weekends etc.
My issue is that my partner can sometimes go for nights out and come back drunk (which he has a right to) and I respond with anger because I panic. He can often fall asleep when he's drunk too and I just cannot control my anxiety.
It is not fair on him because as soon as he mentions a night out with friends I freeze, I panic and I respond by not speaking to him or just going into myself.
I just don't know how to explain myself. How to explain that when he comes home drunk i get flashbacks of picking my mum up off of the floor or when im waiting on him coming home I go back to the times when I would walk home from school wondering how I would find my mum at home.
I'm getting upset writing this because I have never been able to speak to anyone who may actually understand where I am coming from. I can't speak to my mum or dad from the fear of upsetting them and I don't know how to speak to my partner without fully breaking down.
Any advice or support would be a massive help.
Also you deserve a medal if you made it to the end of this and understood anything i've said!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"I'm getting upset writing this because I have never been able to speak to anyone who may actually understand where I am coming from. I can't speak to my mum or dad from the fear of upsetting them and I don't know how to speak to my partner without fully breaking down."
Dear Emma
I am sorry to say this, but practically everyone on this website understands exactly what you are talking about. I am sorry because our culture worldwide is afflicted with high rates of addiction.
You have a right to be upset about your partner getting drunk.
You have a right to enjoy alcohol in moderation.
A program like AlAnon is very good to help you get some perspective. You go for YOU, for your own sanity.
I am glad you are here with us. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Emma
I am sorry to say this, but practically everyone on this website understands exactly what you are talking about. I am sorry because our culture worldwide is afflicted with high rates of addiction.
You have a right to be upset about your partner getting drunk.
You have a right to enjoy alcohol in moderation.
A program like AlAnon is very good to help you get some perspective. You go for YOU, for your own sanity.
I am glad you are here with us. Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
My issue is that my partner can sometimes go for nights out and come back drunk (which he has a right to)
And you have a right to have a partner that doesn't come home drunk if it causes you anxiety and threatens your relationship.
No one has to get drunk. They just don't. He's making a choice in spite of the fact that it distresses you. Something worth thinking about.
And you have a right to have a partner that doesn't come home drunk if it causes you anxiety and threatens your relationship.
No one has to get drunk. They just don't. He's making a choice in spite of the fact that it distresses you. Something worth thinking about.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
I know what you are saying and I totally understand but he really is an amazing partner. I just think he struggles to understand my anxiety and why I get so worked up.
No one in his family has (or openly admits) to have anxiety or depression whereas i've grew up with family members feeling like this around me.
I feel like speaking to him about it with someone else there who understands and can maybe explain it a bit better could possibly help.
No one in his family has (or openly admits) to have anxiety or depression whereas i've grew up with family members feeling like this around me.
I feel like speaking to him about it with someone else there who understands and can maybe explain it a bit better could possibly help.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. Of course you belong here!
Have you been open and honest w/him about why this happens to you? If he does not have a problem himself, it's quite likely he can just leave it and not drink. Now is the time to be open with him about how you are feeling.
This also sounds like some left over PTSD. Of course I don't know, but that is how it sounds. Have you thought of therapy for yourself so you can get past these feelings?
Gentle hugs. Glad you are here.
Have you been open and honest w/him about why this happens to you? If he does not have a problem himself, it's quite likely he can just leave it and not drink. Now is the time to be open with him about how you are feeling.
This also sounds like some left over PTSD. Of course I don't know, but that is how it sounds. Have you thought of therapy for yourself so you can get past these feelings?
Gentle hugs. Glad you are here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Emma....I assure you, that people on this forum will understand what you are talking about.
I am glad that you have taken the step to seek help.
My first thought for you is that there is specific help of your situation...especially considering the background that you have shared with us.
You deserve to not be suffering, like this....and, you can benefit from the help of a therapist who specializes in abuse and PTSD. If you do not have insurance or, can't afford it, I suggest that you contact your local county social services and ask for a counselor/therapist. You can google the county website and get the names of the social works and the phone numbers....to make an appointment.
In the meantime, you need to have people who you can talk to, in person...so, I suggest that Adult Children of Alcoholics would be a good place to find such people. They will understand what you are going through, beyond mere words.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
I have given you a link to our "sticky" collection of excellent articles concerning alcoholism and the effects it has on the loved ones. Please look at them, and read the ones that appeal to you.
I sincerely hope that you will continue to hang around this forum and continue to post and read and learn.....
I am glad that you have taken the step to seek help.
My first thought for you is that there is specific help of your situation...especially considering the background that you have shared with us.
You deserve to not be suffering, like this....and, you can benefit from the help of a therapist who specializes in abuse and PTSD. If you do not have insurance or, can't afford it, I suggest that you contact your local county social services and ask for a counselor/therapist. You can google the county website and get the names of the social works and the phone numbers....to make an appointment.
In the meantime, you need to have people who you can talk to, in person...so, I suggest that Adult Children of Alcoholics would be a good place to find such people. They will understand what you are going through, beyond mere words.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
I have given you a link to our "sticky" collection of excellent articles concerning alcoholism and the effects it has on the loved ones. Please look at them, and read the ones that appeal to you.
I sincerely hope that you will continue to hang around this forum and continue to post and read and learn.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just don't know how to explain myself. How to explain that when he comes home drunk i get flashbacks of picking my mum up off of the floor or when im waiting on him coming home I go back to the times when I would walk home from school wondering how I would find my mum at home.
have you tried telling him just like this^^^^?
When you go out drinking, and come home inebriated, I have flashes of recall to my youth and my mother's drinking. It was and still is very upsetting to me.
therefore i would like to ask if you are willing to alter your behavior in any way. In order to feel safe, I will need to do >>fill in the blank<<.
as a partner, you have the right to express your wants and needs. he has the right to choose NOT to respond to your wants and needs (ie say NO). you then have the obligation to yourself to make the changes you need in order to feel safe, secure and happy, especially in your own home.
have you tried telling him just like this^^^^?
When you go out drinking, and come home inebriated, I have flashes of recall to my youth and my mother's drinking. It was and still is very upsetting to me.
therefore i would like to ask if you are willing to alter your behavior in any way. In order to feel safe, I will need to do >>fill in the blank<<.
as a partner, you have the right to express your wants and needs. he has the right to choose NOT to respond to your wants and needs (ie say NO). you then have the obligation to yourself to make the changes you need in order to feel safe, secure and happy, especially in your own home.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Emma,
What a wonderful young lady you are. You my friend are an adult child of an alcoholic. It is who you are. Accepting that with pride, as you survived and have accomplished a lot, in your young life, besides having that title.
So what can you do about your "disorder". You can own it. It is your DNA and it will live with you forever, but it doesn't have to define you. It's ok to be who you are and ask your bf to respect that. It is down deep and comes out every time you see his drunken behavior. Many on this forum feel the same way, you are not alone.
I smell alcohol, I see red drunk eyes, i smell pot, I see people drinking and partying, it bothers me to the core. I have so many bad memories, I too would say I have ptsd. We have choices in life, and we have to own who we are. You can't look past it, as he needs to understand what you have lived with and respect who you are. You are not controlling and he could be the next president of the United states, but this is real and it has to be addressed with him. He has to respect you and what you have endoured if not you need to find some one who will. Be honest and tell him.
Read the stickies, hit some alanon or open aa meetings. Come out of the closet and be proud of who you are. Hugs my friend, keep reading posting and know that with work you will be ok!!
What a wonderful young lady you are. You my friend are an adult child of an alcoholic. It is who you are. Accepting that with pride, as you survived and have accomplished a lot, in your young life, besides having that title.
So what can you do about your "disorder". You can own it. It is your DNA and it will live with you forever, but it doesn't have to define you. It's ok to be who you are and ask your bf to respect that. It is down deep and comes out every time you see his drunken behavior. Many on this forum feel the same way, you are not alone.
I smell alcohol, I see red drunk eyes, i smell pot, I see people drinking and partying, it bothers me to the core. I have so many bad memories, I too would say I have ptsd. We have choices in life, and we have to own who we are. You can't look past it, as he needs to understand what you have lived with and respect who you are. You are not controlling and he could be the next president of the United states, but this is real and it has to be addressed with him. He has to respect you and what you have endoured if not you need to find some one who will. Be honest and tell him.
Read the stickies, hit some alanon or open aa meetings. Come out of the closet and be proud of who you are. Hugs my friend, keep reading posting and know that with work you will be ok!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
You have no idea how much your amazing words and support are already helping and making me feel 'normal'.
I remember once having to control what i was saying in front of a friends mum who was discussing how her friend had an alcoholic parent growing up and how my friends mum found it unfair that she thought she had the right to tell her new partner when he could drink and what he could drink because that isn't 'her choice, it's up to him'.
I was so quick to defend that poor woman because I know exactly why she has these rules and clear lines that shouldn't be crossed and I wanted to meet her partner who obviously fully accepts why she feels this way. I just need to now remember that I also have the right to feel this way and the only way i am ever going to get control is by admitting to myself that I still have things from my past that I have never fully dealt with and that my close ones need to know and understand the extent of how i'm feeling.
People who have never experienced this really do not understand and hopefully never will have to understand.
Thank you everyone for your kind kind words.
I remember once having to control what i was saying in front of a friends mum who was discussing how her friend had an alcoholic parent growing up and how my friends mum found it unfair that she thought she had the right to tell her new partner when he could drink and what he could drink because that isn't 'her choice, it's up to him'.
I was so quick to defend that poor woman because I know exactly why she has these rules and clear lines that shouldn't be crossed and I wanted to meet her partner who obviously fully accepts why she feels this way. I just need to now remember that I also have the right to feel this way and the only way i am ever going to get control is by admitting to myself that I still have things from my past that I have never fully dealt with and that my close ones need to know and understand the extent of how i'm feeling.
People who have never experienced this really do not understand and hopefully never will have to understand.
Thank you everyone for your kind kind words.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I just don't know how to explain myself. How to explain that when he comes home drunk i get flashbacks of picking my mum up off of the floor or when im waiting on him coming home I go back to the times when I would walk home from school wondering how I would find my mum at home.
have you tried telling him just like this^^^^?
.
have you tried telling him just like this^^^^?
.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Talk to him. I often hold very complex conversations in my head and work things up to the point I have anxiety. Often, if I give things a chance and truly talk to people the outcome is nowhere close to what I worked up in my head. Once he knows it will be like a flood washing things away and your anxiety should lessen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Welcome Emma....
I was a teenager when my Dad recovered...but those were the formative years and they had a big impact on me and my siblings - 3 of whom are alcoholics :-(
I was in my early twenties when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and thus began a journey of healing and discovery that goes on to this day!
One thing I've found about truly intimate relationships: If I share my deepest fears my true friend or partner will recognize it as a reality in my life that deserves understanding, respect, and gentleness.
I've also found that, with Al-Anon, regular therapy, CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), lots of reading about growing up in an A family, and working on myself, that ALL my relationships get better, especially the one with myself and that scared little girl I was when dad was drinking and mom was raging. And those memories and deep fears were the launching point for growing and helping myself.
So glad you found this site. Collectively we've seen everything. There's an old saying in Al-Anon about being in a room where you can reminisce with complete strangers! That's what this site is like.
((((hugs))))
B.
I was a teenager when my Dad recovered...but those were the formative years and they had a big impact on me and my siblings - 3 of whom are alcoholics :-(
I was in my early twenties when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and thus began a journey of healing and discovery that goes on to this day!
One thing I've found about truly intimate relationships: If I share my deepest fears my true friend or partner will recognize it as a reality in my life that deserves understanding, respect, and gentleness.
I've also found that, with Al-Anon, regular therapy, CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), lots of reading about growing up in an A family, and working on myself, that ALL my relationships get better, especially the one with myself and that scared little girl I was when dad was drinking and mom was raging. And those memories and deep fears were the launching point for growing and helping myself.
So glad you found this site. Collectively we've seen everything. There's an old saying in Al-Anon about being in a room where you can reminisce with complete strangers! That's what this site is like.
((((hugs))))
B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Hi Emma,
Thank you for sharing your story. Anxiety about your partners drinking is understandable given the journey you have been on with your mother. Respectfully you may benefit from some counselling to assist with the early life trauma and this in turn may help you in talking to your partner. As with other responses I think Al anon may help and is worth a try. It sound like you have achieved so much in your career and establishing a home. There is another element though and that is YOU! Find time for your personal development that hopefully lead to inner peace and happiness. You have a long life ahead of you and finding SR early in life and starting now is fantastic (I wish I had found this support group years ago)
Never question your sense of self worth, spend time on your recovery and take care
Thank you for sharing your story. Anxiety about your partners drinking is understandable given the journey you have been on with your mother. Respectfully you may benefit from some counselling to assist with the early life trauma and this in turn may help you in talking to your partner. As with other responses I think Al anon may help and is worth a try. It sound like you have achieved so much in your career and establishing a home. There is another element though and that is YOU! Find time for your personal development that hopefully lead to inner peace and happiness. You have a long life ahead of you and finding SR early in life and starting now is fantastic (I wish I had found this support group years ago)
Never question your sense of self worth, spend time on your recovery and take care
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