herculana

Had almost two months, I think, (I stopped counting, and I think that was mistake number 1. Counting was really helping me, I think).

Stress got the better of me a few days ago and I wanted OUT of my stress so bad that I drank,.. for three evenings in a row.

Yesterday was the WORST day. I got plowed with whiskey.


Self hatred is FIERCE today.

Does it help you to call your problem a DISEASE? Maybe if I get that idea through my head it might help me more?

Any words of love and encouragement (or whatever you think will work) will be DEEPLY appreciated.

herculana

Here is my post this morning in my other group... gets more into detail about my triigers:
The stress I start to feel these days gets SO over the top ... into an inner rage, actually... it feels intolerable... and, so far that is why I drink these days, when I have drank. Inner rage, and stress that I do not have a clue how to manage anymore.


It started with me getting back after my travels... unpacking my bags, etc. Then getting a phone call that Mom was sick and I would have to REPACK and get BACK into a car and GO BACK... When I actually just needed a break from family so bad I could taste it.

I didnt end up going back, but I tore the house a part packing up my bags again, and stressing out.... worried about mom, etc.

When I found out that she wasnt as sick as she thought, and didnt need me, I went to the store and got a couple of large beers. That was 4 days ago. I was so wound up with stress, I just wanted OUT immediately.

Yesterday I started drinking early and had whiskey.... It was my boyfriends birthday.


I am in tears today, deeply unhappy with myself, deeply confused about my own self, very little self trust, etc.


Hold my hand .. Please tell me what I need to do starting TODAY to get myself back. I am filled with anxiety... My body feels horrible...


Cant stand myself right now. Wretched.

FreeOwl

Know what helped for me?

Less looking at the problem, more living in the solution.

Embracing sobriety and living it with all I had.

It worked.

Of course, before I embraced that shift, I had many, many days just like you're having right now.

You can do it... just choose it.... act on it.... get going with it.... starting NOW.

herculana

I am ready to embrace sobriety again. Thank you. SO SO SO READY TO BE BACK ON BOARD <3

It was SO MUCH BETTER SOBER.

markinny

a little while back I was wondering what happened to you. you were starting threads and posting frequently and I found them inspirational as your determination was FIERCE. they were of help as I was really struggling and still am but not as badly currently. I have had a couple slips.

I now spend ALOT of time on here reading regularly and also been attending more AA meetings. I have noticed its when I get lazy with these things is when I get blindsided. its been a learning process for me.

SnazzyDresser

Counting as always helped me too. I never understood what some people have against counting.

Hang in there, herculana. Get your head right, learn from it, and you'll be back on track before you know it.

nez

Would you treat anyone else the way you are treating yourself? Treat yourself the way you would a friend in similar circumstances.

january161992

i go to meetings and listen for the similarities not the differences

stay active in service to others

ask God for help

there is a solution

herculana

Yes, I was fierce ... But then a whole lotta life happened really fast... Got back together with boyfriend, went on a HUGE family trip to visit my sick father, had a wonderful time, but all of these huge changes in my life left me feeling very out of focus, and pulled in many directions.

Sobriety drifted to priority number 3 instead of number 1.

Its really good to be here with you all again. So scared, but so hopeful I can take this poison off the table for good.

You are all incredible people and your help is important, as is your friendship.

D122y

60 days is over the physical addiction. It is all mental.

I still obsess and have anxiety at over 2 years w out being drunk.

I work out 5 to 6 days a week. Alternate cardio then weigts.

The cardiovascular work especially is physical torture. That torture makes the mental anxiety I have seem trivial. Plus the endorphins last for several hours. Natural high.

That is what I do to stay sober when my anxiety ramps up.

Thanks.

tomsteve

You know the drill.

i think many of us do.
however, i think it more important that you know the drill to getting and staying sober.

"Does it help you to call your problem a DISEASE? Maybe if I get that idea through my head it might help me more? "

for me, no. calling alcoholism a disease was great ammunition to keep me drunk.
i have a disease! thats why i drink!

what did help, though was to learn what the disease concept is- a spiritual disease. lack of a power greater than me that could help restore me to sanity. a power that could help me recover from alcoholism.
then getting into action finding that power greater than me- diving into causes and conditions for why i was who i was.

Anna

Herculana, be kind to yourself.

This is a moment when you can tweak your plan to make it more effective. Since stress got to you, after two months of sobriety, maybe you can make a firm plan to be prepared to deal with stress in the future. Walking always helps me clear my head and feel better. What can you find that will work for you?

And, again, be kind to yourself.

joandmelandhan

Herculana I just want to start by sending you a big (((hug))). I know that feeling if not being able to stand being in your own skin. Waves of anxiety. It truly is unbearable. It was during this time that I began working on my mind. I began to train my brain to accept that I cannot every drink again. Not one sip. Ever. Under no circumstances is anything so bad (or good) that pouring alcohol down my neck is an answer.
Vow to yourself that this is the last time you will ever feel like this again and mean it.
You know the power of SR. Please please use it daily. Read, learn, post.......every day.
I can feel when my focus on sobriety is slipping. I may get busy or be out of routine or.......well whatever. I recognise it and act quick. I'm simply not capable of being "normal" yet......whatever that means......so if my Friday night in is a documentary on alcoholism or learning about AVRT or reading recovery material so be it. 95 days in and I'm still a newbie. I'm still learning .
You've proven you can get some good sober time in which is great. Do anything to get through the awful first few days......but please don't be too far away from here. It works!

herculana

Oh my fellow family in recovery... you are my people. You do such good things for my bruised heart.

Tears flowing ....

Yes, I can barely stand being in my own body today. Yes indeed.

But I HAVE to be in my own body. No escaping that unless I want to get drunk again, and I dont want to get drunk today, THANK GOD.

Just for today.

It feels really good to be here today, on this site again... So incredibly HEALING.

This is clearly the right path for me.

Ready to get back to the business of saving our lives, together.

Thank you <3

ChloeRose63

I am right there with you. Today is Day 1 and I, too, let stress make me drink alot of wine. I count the hours to get this poison out of my body. I look like hell and don't want anyone to see me especially my bf who gets really mad when I drink. I told him I was just tired but, my puffy face and eyes is his way of 'knowing'. I am jumping out of my skin and feel sick to my stomach. I was also smoking cigs. What was I doing! I am here for you and I could really use the support, too. Did you join the July '17 class? I was in the Dec Class and posted everyday. Then I gave up....then I gave in. I want to do things differently by really posting what is going on.

thomas11

Good to "see" you again Herculana, we are all in this together. You made it back and that's what counts. Onward and upward!

herculana

I'll be on your team Chloe... and I am here whenever you need me. <3 LETS DO THIS AND LETS MAKE IT STICK, LOVE <3


We deserve better. Big hugs. I am not disappointed in you, and I think youre brave and good. The same goes for me.

Good on us for picking ourselves up and choosing the sober life again. <3

I am feeling like utter crap, but this is how I start.... to never feel this way again.

FreedomCA

Be proud that you achieved 60 sober days. That is a huge accomplishment. Try not to take your relapse too personally or start to feel ashamed, it happens. Gently try and learn from this experience and stay positive.

Midwest1981

Herculana and Chloe- day 1 is so hard. I have been there myself several times and want to let you both know I am rooting for both of you!!

Keep posting a lot. It helps!! Reach out when you get overwhelmed. Make sure to play the tape forward then do something else with your stress. Hot bubble bath, a walk, cook a nice meal, church, catch a meeting or call a friend. Whatever calms you down.

SimplyFree

Many of us have been there. The only answer is to get back to your recovery plan. Strengthen it and your resolve. You can do this!