Never Date an Alcoholic. A Cautionary Tale
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Never Date an Alcoholic. A Cautionary Tale
Never dated an alcoholic before him. Been dating for many years now.
Both of us over 30 now and living together for several years. His house.
Have tried to get him to do something over the years, but because he is a successful, well educated and highly functioning Alch like his Dad, it falls on deaf ears.
His parents are well educated and his Mother is an enabler. Since she is a former Dean of a University, she is a know it all. She stood by and let her husband rot away drinking and barely eating. Everyone thinks she is fantastic and selfless. But I see that she is weak and now both her sons are going to end up lonely and dysfunctional alcoholics.
Since she won't ask any of them to get help, they think everything is cool.
Well I am finally too beaten down and worn out by my long term boyfriend and his nonstop meanness when he drinks.
He may look great and feel healthy, but he is deluding himself that his health will continue so swimmingly.
He drinks every night. At least 5-7 drinks. Hard stuff with whole bottles on wine. I drink once in a blue moon, so it is weird to watch someone drink themselves silly.
Tonight was the final straw.
I simply was correcting him on some meaningless point. Some truly silly argument. He said someone was statuesque and I pointed out they were only 5'5.
This set him off. He told me I could leave his house any time. That I could leave forever and not darken his door again and that I am a F word B word.
I'm not though. I am level headed and nice and understanding.
But I am also too sad and just see that this isn't going to change.
This guy was so charming, sweet, fun, cool and just my perfect man when he was NOT drinking himself into a stupor.
Never Date an Alcoholic unless you want a big aching hole in your chest for the rest of your life.
Both of us over 30 now and living together for several years. His house.
Have tried to get him to do something over the years, but because he is a successful, well educated and highly functioning Alch like his Dad, it falls on deaf ears.
His parents are well educated and his Mother is an enabler. Since she is a former Dean of a University, she is a know it all. She stood by and let her husband rot away drinking and barely eating. Everyone thinks she is fantastic and selfless. But I see that she is weak and now both her sons are going to end up lonely and dysfunctional alcoholics.
Since she won't ask any of them to get help, they think everything is cool.
Well I am finally too beaten down and worn out by my long term boyfriend and his nonstop meanness when he drinks.
He may look great and feel healthy, but he is deluding himself that his health will continue so swimmingly.
He drinks every night. At least 5-7 drinks. Hard stuff with whole bottles on wine. I drink once in a blue moon, so it is weird to watch someone drink themselves silly.
Tonight was the final straw.
I simply was correcting him on some meaningless point. Some truly silly argument. He said someone was statuesque and I pointed out they were only 5'5.
This set him off. He told me I could leave his house any time. That I could leave forever and not darken his door again and that I am a F word B word.
I'm not though. I am level headed and nice and understanding.
But I am also too sad and just see that this isn't going to change.
This guy was so charming, sweet, fun, cool and just my perfect man when he was NOT drinking himself into a stupor.
Never Date an Alcoholic unless you want a big aching hole in your chest for the rest of your life.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello and Welcome to SR,
I am sorry for what brings you here, but you are now among people who understand.
You will find that you are not alone in feeling as though you are the only one who sees how bad it is--that his family just doesn't get it. Because they don't. No one wants to feel that their child, even as an adult, is somehow afflicted with this disorder - alcoholism. They feel as though a "real" alcoholic is someone who is dirty, homeless, and lives under a bridge with their alcohol wrapped in a brown bag. Not a 'successful' person by outward appearances.
But being a successful human is learning to deal with life on life's terms and not drinking away every pain, every disappointment, every sorrow in life. I wish I could tell you some magic words to get him to change, but changing his behavior is all on him.
And yes, picking a fight, correcting him about whether someone is statuesque or not probably was not worth it, right?
So, now that you have fully admitted to yourself that you are married to an alcoholic, what about you? You deserve some support and you have it here! Please hang around! Others will be along soon who know exactly what you are going through! Welcome, again!
I am sorry for what brings you here, but you are now among people who understand.
You will find that you are not alone in feeling as though you are the only one who sees how bad it is--that his family just doesn't get it. Because they don't. No one wants to feel that their child, even as an adult, is somehow afflicted with this disorder - alcoholism. They feel as though a "real" alcoholic is someone who is dirty, homeless, and lives under a bridge with their alcohol wrapped in a brown bag. Not a 'successful' person by outward appearances.
But being a successful human is learning to deal with life on life's terms and not drinking away every pain, every disappointment, every sorrow in life. I wish I could tell you some magic words to get him to change, but changing his behavior is all on him.
And yes, picking a fight, correcting him about whether someone is statuesque or not probably was not worth it, right?
So, now that you have fully admitted to yourself that you are married to an alcoholic, what about you? You deserve some support and you have it here! Please hang around! Others will be along soon who know exactly what you are going through! Welcome, again!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Neverdateone....you are only in your thirties....you have several decades of life left to live.....
Alcoholism is progressive, meaning that it will get worse over time.....
Which, for you, means that this is as good as it is going to get....
He will not stop drinking until and unless he decides that he wants to for himself...You can't control him and his drinking.....
Just like his mother can't get his father to stop drinking....
You are, essentially, in the same position as she is...don't you think?
Do you really want to live out the rest of your life like this...and worse...?
Alcoholism is progressive, meaning that it will get worse over time.....
Which, for you, means that this is as good as it is going to get....
He will not stop drinking until and unless he decides that he wants to for himself...You can't control him and his drinking.....
Just like his mother can't get his father to stop drinking....
You are, essentially, in the same position as she is...don't you think?
Do you really want to live out the rest of your life like this...and worse...?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. Your post reads like you have resigned yourself to this as your future.
You're not even married. If you wouldn't date him, knowing what you know now, what is keeping you there? You criticize his mom for "standing by" and "doing nothing" while her husband deteriorated. What, exactly, should she have done? More important, what are YOU going to do with your one precious life?
You're not even married. If you wouldn't date him, knowing what you know now, what is keeping you there? You criticize his mom for "standing by" and "doing nothing" while her husband deteriorated. What, exactly, should she have done? More important, what are YOU going to do with your one precious life?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Never date an alcoholic is sometimes easier said than done, simply because things happen in life, we all make mistakes, or make bad choices. What I am trying to say is, even if you do date one or marry one (been there, done that), and then the relationship is eventually over, it is still not the end of world. On contrary, there is life after dating an alcoholic, there is life after the break up, or even after divorce. There is whole lotta life. Me for example, feel reborn. I am getting close to 40, but really, age is only a number.
But, yes, not dating an alcoholic is a very wise choice.
(((Welcome hugs)))
But, yes, not dating an alcoholic is a very wise choice.
(((Welcome hugs)))
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by NeverDateOne 
Never Date an Alcoholic unless you want a big aching hole in your chest for the rest of your life.
Remember that almost every person on this forum loves an alcoholic. That's why many of us are here.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Sending you a hug.
I know you're brokenhearted and understandably so. I hope you can find a path to a better life for yourself.
And as an alcoholic... I wasn't at all offended by that statement. I get what you meant and I wouldn't knowingly enter into a relationship with an active alcoholic myself.
Wishing you brighter days.
I know you're brokenhearted and understandably so. I hope you can find a path to a better life for yourself.
And as an alcoholic... I wasn't at all offended by that statement. I get what you meant and I wouldn't knowingly enter into a relationship with an active alcoholic myself.
Wishing you brighter days.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
as with aries, the recovered alcoholic in me isnt offended. i dont blame any woman for walking away from me.
after i got sober, i dated a chronic relapsing alcoholic/addict.
i was able to leave.
the gaping hole healed. its not there any more.
it would have gotten bigger if i didnt leave
after i got sober, i dated a chronic relapsing alcoholic/addict.
i was able to leave.
the gaping hole healed. its not there any more.
it would have gotten bigger if i didnt leave
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
To be clear:
I made my comments not out of concern that alcoholics would be offended. I imagine that any recovering alcoholic would agree that it's best not to date an active alcoholic. I made my comments because almost everyone in this section of the forum loves an alcoholic and many of us struggle with loving that person. Sweeping negative judgements about all alcoholics feel hurtful to me. What's helpful is for me to read what others have to say about their feelings and their situation, what they are doing, thinking and feeling about their particular loved one.
I made my comments not out of concern that alcoholics would be offended. I imagine that any recovering alcoholic would agree that it's best not to date an active alcoholic. I made my comments because almost everyone in this section of the forum loves an alcoholic and many of us struggle with loving that person. Sweeping negative judgements about all alcoholics feel hurtful to me. What's helpful is for me to read what others have to say about their feelings and their situation, what they are doing, thinking and feeling about their particular loved one.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
I think I get what FallenAngelina is saying, but as someone who loves an A too, I'm not offended at all by this generalization, and pretty much tell anyone who isn't married to an A yet, to RUN. And if I'm ever in another relationship, I hope to heck I remember to never, ever get involved with one again. At this point the thought of even a recovering one makes me iffy, but that's because my wounds are still so fresh and raw, not that I don't believe one can truly find recovery.
And don't we all say that our stories, and the stories of the As, are always the same? Hardly anyone is a special snowflake? So I actually don't think it's that bad to make a sweeping generalization. Either way, I'm not offended at all! It's advice I'd give anyone!
And don't we all say that our stories, and the stories of the As, are always the same? Hardly anyone is a special snowflake? So I actually don't think it's that bad to make a sweeping generalization. Either way, I'm not offended at all! It's advice I'd give anyone!
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
While I can appreciate that you're in a very painful place in life right now, please keep in mind that sweeping statements about all alcoholics are as disrespectful as sweeping statements about any group. Your experience certainly merits a discussion, but your experience is where the focus needs to stay. It can be helpful for us who love an alcoholic to understand general patterns of alcoholism and behaviors, but making broad, negative judgement against all alcoholics doesn't, in my view, help the healing process for anyone.
Remember that almost every person on this forum loves an alcoholic. That's why many of us are here.
Remember that almost every person on this forum loves an alcoholic. That's why many of us are here.
Never date an alcoholic. If you love yourself. And if you love yourself, you will extricate from a relationship with them. I didn't say don't be their friend, I said never date them.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hi, and welcome. Your post reads like you have resigned yourself to this as your future.
You're not even married. If you wouldn't date him, knowing what you know now, what is keeping you there? You criticize his mom for "standing by" and "doing nothing" while her husband deteriorated. What, exactly, should she have done? More important, what are YOU going to do with your one precious life?
You're not even married. If you wouldn't date him, knowing what you know now, what is keeping you there? You criticize his mom for "standing by" and "doing nothing" while her husband deteriorated. What, exactly, should she have done? More important, what are YOU going to do with your one precious life?
I have done a lot to try and FORCE my nearly ex-bf to get help. He hates me for it. And he brings up his Mother as a reason why he DOESN'T need help. That if he did, she would tell him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, if she shouldn't have stayed married, why are you staying with your b/f? And newsflash: "tough love" or leaving someone or telling someone how to live his life isn't going to fix that person or make them get help. Hasn't worked for you, has it?
I repeat, if you made what you consider a horrible mistake by dating this guy, why are you continuing/compounding it by staying with him?
I repeat, if you made what you consider a horrible mistake by dating this guy, why are you continuing/compounding it by staying with him?
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Originally Posted by NeverDateOne
And he brings up his Mother as a reason why he DOESN'T need help. That if he did, she would tell him.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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And he brings up his Mother as a reason why he DOESN'T need help. That if he did, she would tell him.
If your boyfriend is in his thirties and he's STILL expecting Mommy to tell him what to do then alcoholism isn't his only problem. Honestly, though, I think he's just bringing up his mom because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions, which is pretty much par for the course.
What do you hope to accomplish by posting? Is it a chance to vent? Is it to drum up the courage to leave him? Is it to understand why he acts the way he does? I'm not really certain where you stand in all this. Perhaps you're not certain yourself, and that's OK for the moment. But SR was fantastic in helping me figure out what was a quack and what was a legitimate concern - and THAT helped me figure out what I could and could not tolerate.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by LLLisa
Well, they have been living together for several years...
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California
Posts: 38
Over the weekend, by live-in ABF screamed many times for me to leave him or go F someone else so he can leave me. Monday morning he either doesnt remember or ignores it, like he always does. I am barely speaking to him and it doesnt seem to even phase him 
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Location: Midwest
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back2thegood, I read some of your old posts. Is this still the same ABF?
Are you still sober yourself?
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and it doesn't seem like anything has changed regarding your ABF. After 2 years of this, it should be pretty clear that HE'S not going to change, so that leaves it up to YOU.
You can leave. You can move out. Many here have done it. He's not holding you hostage, at least from the sound of your past posts...
Maybe you'd like to start a thread of your own to talk about that.
Are you still sober yourself?
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and it doesn't seem like anything has changed regarding your ABF. After 2 years of this, it should be pretty clear that HE'S not going to change, so that leaves it up to YOU.
You can leave. You can move out. Many here have done it. He's not holding you hostage, at least from the sound of your past posts...
Maybe you'd like to start a thread of your own to talk about that.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
Many years ago in an Alanon meeting after I shared, someone else said, I am so glad I am not living with an active alcoholic anymore. Okay crosstalk yes. At first I was angry. I loved him. But it stuck with me and as the years rolled on I realized maybe I would be happier one day saying the same thing. My home group is mainly people who are staying with active alcoholics and so it is no longer my home group. I did not want to give advice and I was so fed up with the misery. Glad I left.
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