Thanks and a question..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 33
Thanks and a question..
Thanks for the welcome. I posted a few days ago on day 31. Replies received helped a lot. Thank you.
Day 35 today. In 5 weeks, I lost 5 kilos by the way. 12 pounds for those of you not familiar with the Metric system
So here is a thought:
What happens when you stop but the wife/husband/partner does not? We used to drink together, talk for hours. Now, I sit in one room and she drinks alone in front of her laptop on her own. I stay away out of some survival instinct because it's so easy to take a sip of her delicious Rosé, chilled to a perfect smoothness, spreading delicious smells...
One sip, and back to misery. So I can't. I know this like all of you do as well.
But this situation is simply ridiculous. On the other hand, I don't have the energy for the "sit-down talk". Honey, you know I am trying something here, how about some support, etc. Just won't work. But she knows very well what is going on, and the effort I am making, and the reasons. But not a word.. No good job, way to go, or even a simple acknowledgement. Who knows what she is feeling?
Any advice?
This small planet, revolving around a mediocre size sun, in a medium size galaxy, on the far side of the universe, populated by billions, and look how complicated one person's life is..
Happy to be here though. Really good place..
Day 35 today. In 5 weeks, I lost 5 kilos by the way. 12 pounds for those of you not familiar with the Metric system
So here is a thought:
What happens when you stop but the wife/husband/partner does not? We used to drink together, talk for hours. Now, I sit in one room and she drinks alone in front of her laptop on her own. I stay away out of some survival instinct because it's so easy to take a sip of her delicious Rosé, chilled to a perfect smoothness, spreading delicious smells...
One sip, and back to misery. So I can't. I know this like all of you do as well.
But this situation is simply ridiculous. On the other hand, I don't have the energy for the "sit-down talk". Honey, you know I am trying something here, how about some support, etc. Just won't work. But she knows very well what is going on, and the effort I am making, and the reasons. But not a word.. No good job, way to go, or even a simple acknowledgement. Who knows what she is feeling?
Any advice?
This small planet, revolving around a mediocre size sun, in a medium size galaxy, on the far side of the universe, populated by billions, and look how complicated one person's life is..
Happy to be here though. Really good place..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi Tankers, and congratulations on day 35!
I would be v interested to see what the others will say, but for me I see no reason why you shouldn't talk to your wife about how she feels about your sobriety. It's very possible that someone told her/she read somewhere that she should not get too involved in your journey unless you request it. I believe that's the suggestion from many sources regarding spouses of alcoholics.
The reality, however, is that every situation is different. If you want her to be more involved, go ahead and ask her how it is affecting her; I'm sure she would have a lot to say. For myself, I don't isolate from friends who drink, and they drink in front of me [usually] in moderation. If I've had enough and feel tempted, I excuse myself. I know that I can't go my whole life avoiding being around people who drink; but I can limit the time I spend around them within my own boundaries. Your wife might be more amenable to modifying her consumption if she knows it would be beneficial to you. At the same time, I personally (and it seems you are the same way) make it clear to those close to me that they should not feel that they need to change their own behavior because of my problem.
So see where she stands on what you're doing and how it is affecting her. I'm sure she is proud of you! Good luck and keep us posted :-)
I would be v interested to see what the others will say, but for me I see no reason why you shouldn't talk to your wife about how she feels about your sobriety. It's very possible that someone told her/she read somewhere that she should not get too involved in your journey unless you request it. I believe that's the suggestion from many sources regarding spouses of alcoholics.
The reality, however, is that every situation is different. If you want her to be more involved, go ahead and ask her how it is affecting her; I'm sure she would have a lot to say. For myself, I don't isolate from friends who drink, and they drink in front of me [usually] in moderation. If I've had enough and feel tempted, I excuse myself. I know that I can't go my whole life avoiding being around people who drink; but I can limit the time I spend around them within my own boundaries. Your wife might be more amenable to modifying her consumption if she knows it would be beneficial to you. At the same time, I personally (and it seems you are the same way) make it clear to those close to me that they should not feel that they need to change their own behavior because of my problem.
So see where she stands on what you're doing and how it is affecting her. I'm sure she is proud of you! Good luck and keep us posted :-)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think recovery is a time of great change, not only for us, but our partners too.
Some relationships will grow stronger for, some might flounder.
Some partners may come to join their opposite number in recovery and some won't.
I do have a belief that a good and true relationship can weather most things though
I'm a big believer in communication - even tho it may be tiresome, I think the sit down talk might be necessary.
It may seem like she knows what you're trying to do - but what if she doesn't? What if this change in you has left her fearful or left out of the loop?
Those are the kinds of things you can only really discover with a good talk.
D
Some relationships will grow stronger for, some might flounder.
Some partners may come to join their opposite number in recovery and some won't.
I do have a belief that a good and true relationship can weather most things though
I'm a big believer in communication - even tho it may be tiresome, I think the sit down talk might be necessary.
It may seem like she knows what you're trying to do - but what if she doesn't? What if this change in you has left her fearful or left out of the loop?
Those are the kinds of things you can only really discover with a good talk.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
This is a tough one. For many years as I would try to quit, my SO was not supportive. I was not able to talk about it and I had to squash all emotions that I had towards my own alcoholism, my SO's drinking, and what drinking was doing to our lives. It was a cause of contention for both of us.
When one person sobers up, or had a realization that what they are doing is not healthy for them any longer, it does not mean that our partners will think or feel in the same way. We cannot force the issue and we cannot expect any change from our SO. They are allowed to live however they want as they are adults and have free will.
After many years of this merry go round. It was not so merry actually. I had to decide what was best for me and stop thinking of "us".
Seeing how I contribute equal amounts to this home and this is my sanctuary, it came down to either changing the situation entirely or I needed to move on with my life. I was prepared to pack up all belongings and move on. I just could not live in my own self made prison any longer and I was not going to be around alcohol every day.
The conversation took time. We spent a few days getting out all we were thinking and we both made the decisions that we could live with. I am free from alcohol today. My SO drinks two days a week, and for the most part this is going well. This was our compromise. I feel safe now. I feel heard now.... for the most part. If my SO can control his drinking, then more power to him. I cannot.
So, I hope you are able to come to a place where you are comfortable and your wife is comfortable. Alcohol is very tricky.
When one person sobers up, or had a realization that what they are doing is not healthy for them any longer, it does not mean that our partners will think or feel in the same way. We cannot force the issue and we cannot expect any change from our SO. They are allowed to live however they want as they are adults and have free will.
After many years of this merry go round. It was not so merry actually. I had to decide what was best for me and stop thinking of "us".
Seeing how I contribute equal amounts to this home and this is my sanctuary, it came down to either changing the situation entirely or I needed to move on with my life. I was prepared to pack up all belongings and move on. I just could not live in my own self made prison any longer and I was not going to be around alcohol every day.
The conversation took time. We spent a few days getting out all we were thinking and we both made the decisions that we could live with. I am free from alcohol today. My SO drinks two days a week, and for the most part this is going well. This was our compromise. I feel safe now. I feel heard now.... for the most part. If my SO can control his drinking, then more power to him. I cannot.
So, I hope you are able to come to a place where you are comfortable and your wife is comfortable. Alcohol is very tricky.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
This may not be of much help, but I believe sobriety is your journey. It would be helpful if she was supportive but ultimately this is your experience. I used to talk to my wife at length when drinking. Its different now, in fact there are evenings where we don't say much at all. She's 100% ok with it because I'm not a drunk. We talk in the car everyday so that makes up for it. Stay strong man. BTW, the earth is flat. haha. (have you heard that theory?)
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Congrats on day 35, Tankersfull!!
I quit 2 1/2 years ago and am thankful everyday for my sobriety. Early days were not easy but I am fully committed to my recovery.
My husband continues to drink daily and, in the beginning, this was something I really struggled with. I caused myself a great deal of grief over this until I eventually came to understand that I have no control over his drinking. It took me a lot of work to come to a place where I can respect his right to make his own choices.
My work then became how I make peace with this in my own self. He is what he is and I need to accept him just as he is today. Not as some future fantasy that I *think* he could be.
My life is full and rich and meaningful. I didn't leave my husband. I am able to continue creating the life I want while accepting his choices. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I care deeply. But I cannot make his choices any more than he could make mine.
I applaud you for choosing sobriety.
The work to build a sober life can be hard, especially at the beginning, but it has been the most rewarding thing I have ever taken up.
SR is the best place for wisdom, support and knowledge. What the members offer up, so generously and sincerely, is like nothing I have ever seen before.
You could also check out the friends & family side of the site. There is lots of gold over there to help you navigate how you feel about your wife's choices.
I hope to see you around
I quit 2 1/2 years ago and am thankful everyday for my sobriety. Early days were not easy but I am fully committed to my recovery.
My husband continues to drink daily and, in the beginning, this was something I really struggled with. I caused myself a great deal of grief over this until I eventually came to understand that I have no control over his drinking. It took me a lot of work to come to a place where I can respect his right to make his own choices.
My work then became how I make peace with this in my own self. He is what he is and I need to accept him just as he is today. Not as some future fantasy that I *think* he could be.
My life is full and rich and meaningful. I didn't leave my husband. I am able to continue creating the life I want while accepting his choices. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I care deeply. But I cannot make his choices any more than he could make mine.
I applaud you for choosing sobriety.
The work to build a sober life can be hard, especially at the beginning, but it has been the most rewarding thing I have ever taken up.
SR is the best place for wisdom, support and knowledge. What the members offer up, so generously and sincerely, is like nothing I have ever seen before.
You could also check out the friends & family side of the site. There is lots of gold over there to help you navigate how you feel about your wife's choices.
I hope to see you around
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi and Welcome,
Change is often difficult for people and it's likely that your wife isn't sure what will happen with this change in you. I would also add, it's best to not expect pats on the back from your wife. That's a reason many of us come here, because we do get it and we do understand how hard this is. Other people don't usually get it.
You can stop, regardless of whether your wife continues to drink or not. I would encourage you to find activities of your own in the evenings, if possible, so that you are less aware of her drinking. Early recovery is a tough time, but you can do this!
Change is often difficult for people and it's likely that your wife isn't sure what will happen with this change in you. I would also add, it's best to not expect pats on the back from your wife. That's a reason many of us come here, because we do get it and we do understand how hard this is. Other people don't usually get it.
You can stop, regardless of whether your wife continues to drink or not. I would encourage you to find activities of your own in the evenings, if possible, so that you are less aware of her drinking. Early recovery is a tough time, but you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 33
Thanks for these thoughtful comments.
One small update: Although it seems like we are not ready to have the talk, I did have a brief conversation about what's going on. It wasn't too bad.
She even said: I should stop. I said it's a personal decision. I can't make it for you. But if you do, I am here.
May be with time..
Thanks again for all your comments.
One small update: Although it seems like we are not ready to have the talk, I did have a brief conversation about what's going on. It wasn't too bad.
She even said: I should stop. I said it's a personal decision. I can't make it for you. But if you do, I am here.
May be with time..
Thanks again for all your comments.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Hi Tank,
My husband and I stopped drinking at the same time (almost 4 months ago). Within a few weeks after we decided to change our lives he began hiding his drinking from me. It's been an ongoing frustration for me over the months because he continues to tell me that he doesn't want to drink, but he just cannot commit to it.
At first I felt anger towards him because he was lying to me about his drinking. Then I realized that me nagging at him only makes things worse and I know how difficult it is to find a solid recovery program. Like you, I spend a lot of time in another room of our home, away from my husband at night. We spend a lot of time together otherwise as we run our business together and we share similar interests. For the time being, I choose to detach from him while he figures this out on his own. Through regular therapy sessions we continue to work through our recovery. I like to believe that just because my husband isn't as committed as I am, it doesn't mean that he will always feel this way.
My husband and I stopped drinking at the same time (almost 4 months ago). Within a few weeks after we decided to change our lives he began hiding his drinking from me. It's been an ongoing frustration for me over the months because he continues to tell me that he doesn't want to drink, but he just cannot commit to it.
At first I felt anger towards him because he was lying to me about his drinking. Then I realized that me nagging at him only makes things worse and I know how difficult it is to find a solid recovery program. Like you, I spend a lot of time in another room of our home, away from my husband at night. We spend a lot of time together otherwise as we run our business together and we share similar interests. For the time being, I choose to detach from him while he figures this out on his own. Through regular therapy sessions we continue to work through our recovery. I like to believe that just because my husband isn't as committed as I am, it doesn't mean that he will always feel this way.
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