Happy endings?
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Happy endings?
I was just curious if there are any "happy ending" stories.
Of course, there are really no such things as happy endings in the real world. Just brief moments of happiness with lots of drudgery in-between.
But I only seem to see posts from people who have only been able to find peace once they leave the relationship. So just curious if it is ever possible to regain a healthy relationship as a recovering codependent.
As in, can a codependent ever really heal while still in the same relationship, or is leaving the first step towards recovery?
Hope that makes sense?
Of course, there are really no such things as happy endings in the real world. Just brief moments of happiness with lots of drudgery in-between.
But I only seem to see posts from people who have only been able to find peace once they leave the relationship. So just curious if it is ever possible to regain a healthy relationship as a recovering codependent.
As in, can a codependent ever really heal while still in the same relationship, or is leaving the first step towards recovery?
Hope that makes sense?
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Originally Posted by TheHopeful 
As in, can a codependent ever really heal while still in the same relationship, or is leaving the first step towards recovery?
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TH, I imagine there are cases where a codie can heal while remaining in the same relationship, but I think that for this to happen, it's more or less necessary for the A to also be working a solid recovery. I don't think that the vast majority of us here at SR are in that situation--most of our A's continue to drink or are white-knuckling "dry drunks", and that's just not a situation that's conducive to living as a recovering codie, for so many reasons.
If the codie partner continues to try to live w/an active A, I think one of two things happens:
1) The A continues their downward spiral and the codie ends up sucked back in--no real healing going on for anyone here, the codie OR the A.
2) The A continues to drink while the codie truly does find their own recovery, and in time realizes that if the only way to handle things is to constantly detach, what on earth is the purpose of remaining in the relationship? What, really, IS there? The codie starts to see what a healthy relationship is, realizes they are NOT in one, and eventually decides they deserve better.
I also think it's possible that this group at SR kind of self selects as being folks with ongoing problems. I suspect that those who've found their own recovery and whose A's are also recovering may not come around much any more; they're handling their lives/recoveries in other ways, so you don't see them here.
There are a ton of folks who were here when I first started here in 2013 who no longer come around, and you can see this when you look at some of the older threads, too--OP will be someone whose last post was in 2010, so clearly they have moved on.
I'm not sure if you were asking in terms of someone trying to continue to live w/an active A, or in terms of trying to continue to live w/an A in recovery but feeling that you can't/don't want to trust/work on things any more and are just done, worn out and done.
If the codie partner continues to try to live w/an active A, I think one of two things happens:
1) The A continues their downward spiral and the codie ends up sucked back in--no real healing going on for anyone here, the codie OR the A.
2) The A continues to drink while the codie truly does find their own recovery, and in time realizes that if the only way to handle things is to constantly detach, what on earth is the purpose of remaining in the relationship? What, really, IS there? The codie starts to see what a healthy relationship is, realizes they are NOT in one, and eventually decides they deserve better.
I also think it's possible that this group at SR kind of self selects as being folks with ongoing problems. I suspect that those who've found their own recovery and whose A's are also recovering may not come around much any more; they're handling their lives/recoveries in other ways, so you don't see them here.
There are a ton of folks who were here when I first started here in 2013 who no longer come around, and you can see this when you look at some of the older threads, too--OP will be someone whose last post was in 2010, so clearly they have moved on.
I'm not sure if you were asking in terms of someone trying to continue to live w/an active A, or in terms of trying to continue to live w/an A in recovery but feeling that you can't/don't want to trust/work on things any more and are just done, worn out and done.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
I'm not sure if you were asking in terms of someone trying to continue to live w/an active A, or in terms of trying to continue to live w/an A in recovery but feeling that you can't/don't want to trust/work on things any more and are just done, worn out and done.
I guess I'm trying to make peace with the fact that this relationship seems to have run its course. On the one hand, you feel bad for "throwing away" a seven year relationship, which had many good times especially during the first five years, but on the other hand you don't want to keep flogging a dead horse.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
It takes a lot of dedication to recovery and both know that they cannot look to the other to provide that.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
I also think it's possible that this group at SR kind of self selects as being folks with ongoing problems. I suspect that those who've found their own recovery and whose A's are also recovering may not come around much any more; they're handling their lives/recoveries in other ways, so you don't see them here.
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I believe the healthiest and most loving thing we can do for ourselves and others is to accept things as they are right now and let go of what we wish they were. There's nothing that says if you walk away now to find your own peace and contentment that you can't reconnect later should he embrace recovery. The question for you is how long are you willing to wait and see, given that he isn't there right now?
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My take on recovery from codependency is to NOT use a relationship to fill a void due to NOT feeling whole or loved as an individual. It’s not the need to be loved that’s the issue it’s the inability to love one’s self that causes the dysfunction.
Once you can begin to love one’s self you begin to realize you deserve more then what an active alcoholic/drug addict could ever possible offer to you.
Once you can begin to love one’s self you begin to realize you deserve more then what an active alcoholic/drug addict could ever possible offer to you.
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I had a pretty decent marriage to my first husband--we divorced because we eventually no longer "fit" as a couple. He was sober for a year when we got married, I left when he was about fifteen years sober, and today he has 37 years. We're still good friends and cooperated raising our kids. I'd call that a "happy ending."
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I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering if there is even any point in trying. Because even if he eventually does get serious about his recovery, (he currently is in denial and makes half-assed efforts) there is firstly no guarantee that it would work (he'd likely relapse), and secondly, we have so much history/bad blood that I wonder whether we'd really ever be able to get to a normal place again.
I guess I'm trying to make peace with the fact that this relationship seems to have run its course. On the one hand, you feel bad for "throwing away" a seven year relationship, which had many good times especially during the first five years, but on the other hand you don't want to keep flogging a dead horse.
I guess I'm trying to make peace with the fact that this relationship seems to have run its course. On the one hand, you feel bad for "throwing away" a seven year relationship, which had many good times especially during the first five years, but on the other hand you don't want to keep flogging a dead horse.
I'm a math kid and I wanted odds. First, I wanted to know how I could make him get better. Then I learned some stuff about alcoholism.Then I wanted the odds of him getting better. Then upon some more learning around here....
I wanted the odds of him staying better if he got better...then some more learning...
And then I wanted the odds of us both getting better together...more learning..
And then I realized I'd spent 5 years wondering if we were going to be good one day, when the whole time, we weren't good. Not good enough anyway.
We have one shot at making our short lives the best it can be. Relationships will all have hills and valleys....but real love...my relationships with my friends and family...are nothing like the crazy peaks, and the depths of the abyss I had with an alcoholic. That's just Newton's law - love is a force of nature.
If your partner doesn't want to get better, then how things are TODAY is the best they are going to be, and you have every right to decide you deserve better for your life. It sounds like this is the way he wants his life to be, and he is allowed that too.
Something someone here said still sticks with me - 'spending a lot of time making a mistake is not a good excuse to keep making it.' Whether your 'investment' is 5 years or 50 years, you are allowed to cut your losses to save YOUR life at any time. Hugs to you - i remember the internal struggle too well.
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I'm someone who always thinks things are FOREVER. Friendships, jobs, places to live, decisions, opinions, lovers, you name it. Now granted, none of us make friends expecting to leave them behind. None of us got married expecting to divorce one day. But the truth of the matter is, things change. They just do, no matter how we dig in our heels and yell that we don't WANT them to change.
That point of view made my life really difficult in so many ways--it was so dang hard to let go of anything or anyone, even when it was totally obvious that things just weren't working any more. I kept clothes that didn't fit or that weren't me any longer. I couldn't get rid of gifts that I had no use for. I would beat myself up for not doing things that I used to do but that I no longer enjoyed. And yes, of course I stayed in relationships long after it was crystal clear that things were really over.*
I believe I read this piece here on SR for the first time, and it contained ideas I had never considered before. I mean, this was freaking RADICAL for me! I'll re-post in case you find something in it too:
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
— Unknown
Another quote I believe I saw here at SR for the first time also seems to apply: "Just b/c it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real."
And also this one, heard from our own dandylion: "Just b/c you love someone doesn't mean you get to keep them."
XAH and I are divorced not quite 2 years now, and I'm finally beginning to really feel this in my bones. It was 20+ years of my life. An awful lot of it WAS good. We've weathered some storms and made our way through a lot. But he is on a different path from the one I want to follow. I thought it would kill me to not be with him--but I'm not dead, and in fact, I've never felt so alive...
* See this thread for more on change: (see this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-buddhism.html)
That point of view made my life really difficult in so many ways--it was so dang hard to let go of anything or anyone, even when it was totally obvious that things just weren't working any more. I kept clothes that didn't fit or that weren't me any longer. I couldn't get rid of gifts that I had no use for. I would beat myself up for not doing things that I used to do but that I no longer enjoyed. And yes, of course I stayed in relationships long after it was crystal clear that things were really over.*
I believe I read this piece here on SR for the first time, and it contained ideas I had never considered before. I mean, this was freaking RADICAL for me! I'll re-post in case you find something in it too:
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
— Unknown
Another quote I believe I saw here at SR for the first time also seems to apply: "Just b/c it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't real."
And also this one, heard from our own dandylion: "Just b/c you love someone doesn't mean you get to keep them."
XAH and I are divorced not quite 2 years now, and I'm finally beginning to really feel this in my bones. It was 20+ years of my life. An awful lot of it WAS good. We've weathered some storms and made our way through a lot. But he is on a different path from the one I want to follow. I thought it would kill me to not be with him--but I'm not dead, and in fact, I've never felt so alive...
* See this thread for more on change: (see this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-buddhism.html)
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What a wonderful thread, chock full of wisdom. I hope we can keep this one bumped up. TheHopeful- I know so much what that feels like. The longing...the hope....it's even in your name I'm sure there are good stories of success out there too, but I can't say it enough that I truly believe the only success will come out of two people who both recognize the problem and put it #1 as priority.
You mention he is white-knuckling through his sobriety with half-assed attempts. So is my A. He always has. I have given up on his efforts. He's not ready to accept the work to get sober so he will keep taking it "day by day" as he likes to say, until the next relapse. So yes, I have given up all hope. There is not a speck left. I am accepting that who he is today is who I am in a relationship with for the foreseeable future (until I leave, but this is who he is forever in my mind. If he changes, it likely won't be with me here). I use to try, up until just yesterday, to make him see what is happening, but he always has some rationalization or reason for how he's handling it. It's no use anymore. He doesn't see it. Or he does but not wiling to do more. (and no the irony isn't lost on me here).
You said that you aren't sure you can repair what has been broken - that there is so much bad blood. Well, sometimes that broken glass can't be put together again because it keeps cutting your hands in the process. Do you resent your time with him? Do you also feel you white knuckle through the relationship? I think I do because I know that any day now he will relapse - I know it because it is how science works and he hasn't changed anything since the last relapse to give him an iota of a chance to stay sober. Sometimes it's hard to be with them because the relationship wears its damage like a ball gown. You both go through the motions but you are full of anger that he doesn't care about it like you do. That he doesn't care to save his life like you do. That he is willing to lose everything and you are willing to take it. It's a struggle dear friend. Our life is running out....
I'm sure there are good stories of success out there too, but I can't say it enough that I truly believe the only success will come out of two people who both recognize the problem and put it #1 as priority. You mention he is white-knuckling through his sobriety with half-assed attempts. So is my A. He always has. I have given up on his efforts. He's not ready to accept the work to get sober so he will keep taking it "day by day" as he likes to say, until the next relapse. So yes, I have given up all hope. There is not a speck left. I am accepting that who he is today is who I am in a relationship with for the foreseeable future (until I leave, but this is who he is forever in my mind. If he changes, it likely won't be with me here). I use to try, up until just yesterday, to make him see what is happening, but he always has some rationalization or reason for how he's handling it. It's no use anymore. He doesn't see it. Or he does but not wiling to do more. (and no the irony isn't lost on me here).
You said that you aren't sure you can repair what has been broken - that there is so much bad blood. Well, sometimes that broken glass can't be put together again because it keeps cutting your hands in the process. Do you resent your time with him? Do you also feel you white knuckle through the relationship? I think I do because I know that any day now he will relapse - I know it because it is how science works and he hasn't changed anything since the last relapse to give him an iota of a chance to stay sober. Sometimes it's hard to be with them because the relationship wears its damage like a ball gown. You both go through the motions but you are full of anger that he doesn't care about it like you do. That he doesn't care to save his life like you do. That he is willing to lose everything and you are willing to take it. It's a struggle dear friend. Our life is running out....
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Originally Posted by TheHopeful
Yeah I guess for it to have any chance of succeeding, both people really need to be on the same page and working hard.
And I DO think that people move on from SR. If I'm being completely honest - there are definitely times here (especially lately) when I feel like I'm just blue in the face from repeating myself over & over & over trying to make the most basic points. When people are committed to their denial or dysfunction & only see their "terminal uniqueness"...... I want to scream. Some days here there isn't so much talk of Real Recovery as there is a lot of hand-wringing & poor-me'ing, not unlike the very behavior we complain about in our qualifiers. (I don't mean that personally hopeful, just generally speaking here)
I am a Codependent successfully celebrating SIX years of recovery this August. The difference between me-then & me-now is black/white, night/day. I can't even put into words how dramatically different I am as a result of putting my own needs in the spotlight of my life.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I had a pretty decent marriage to my first husband--we divorced because we eventually no longer "fit" as a couple. He was sober for a year when we got married, I left when he was about fifteen years sober, and today he has 37 years. We're still good friends and cooperated raising our kids. I'd call that a "happy ending."
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For what's worth, my best friend's husband was also an alcoholic (albeit a "secret" one - I was shocked when I found out). He quit drinking on his own, using a kind of self-made program of bits and pieces of spiritual traditions. That was two years ago, he's not drinking and they're still together and happy, although it was rocky at first. He said what turned the corner for him was a) realizing he was turning into a crappy husband and father; b) making a conscious decision to move to a different job, not one in a workplace where heavy drinking was normalized and even expected (he's in a "creative" field). So it is possible.
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Incidentally, I hang around SR mostly to share my own experience, strength, and hope. I haven't had to deal with active alcoholism since I left my second husband, and it didn't take me long to recover from that (though I was busy developing my own alcoholism for a while, till I decided to get sober).
The other reason I post here is because I have some specific knowledge when it comes to dealing with domestic violence, so I like to get people pointed in the right direction when that is part of the scenario.
Oh, and not to mention--there are some awesome peeps on this forum.
The other reason I post here is because I have some specific knowledge when it comes to dealing with domestic violence, so I like to get people pointed in the right direction when that is part of the scenario.
Oh, and not to mention--there are some awesome peeps on this forum.
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Originally Posted by TheHopeful
Just brief moments of happiness with lots of drudgery in-between.
"Happiness was but the occasional episode in a general drama of pain."
Great book about an alcoholic in the 1880s England that sells his wife and child while drunk.
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I've not had a happy ending with my exah in that we are not together anymore but life is happy. However I recently met a recovered alcoholic who is 15 years sober and if circumstances worked out I would have a relationship with him cos he is one of the wisest most humble men I have ever met. Am sure his ex wife would not agree tho he does have an amicable relationship with her now.
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