My divorce will FINALLY be final tomorrow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
My divorce will FINALLY be final tomorrow
Hello dear friends!
This is my first week at my new job, and so far things are going very well. I'm not regretting the move one bit.
Several weeks ago, STBXAH came by my work and we finalized the rest of the documentation. (Quick summary--I left in August of '15 and filed myself in November of '15. Filing ended up getting dismissed in May of '16 for lack of action, because STBXAH was dragging his feet, I didn't have money for a lawyer, and I was still too much of a co-dependent. STBXAH found a girlfriend at the end of '16, and come January, he was happy to cooperate and refile a JOINT petition. Our state has a four month waiting period. Once the waiting period was up, we were able to submit our final documents and get a court date.)
Our court call is 9:15 a.m. tomorrow. On the one hand, I mostly finished mourning the death of this marriage four years ago, when the abuse escalated to an all-time high and then he left to work out of town for a year. On the other hand, since the push to finish everything off in recent weeks, I have become very aware of how much this has been an emotional anchor around my neck, and how very much relieved I will be for this to be done.
I'm feeling very emotional lately, and not sleeping well. I will be glad when this is all done.
This is my first week at my new job, and so far things are going very well. I'm not regretting the move one bit.
Several weeks ago, STBXAH came by my work and we finalized the rest of the documentation. (Quick summary--I left in August of '15 and filed myself in November of '15. Filing ended up getting dismissed in May of '16 for lack of action, because STBXAH was dragging his feet, I didn't have money for a lawyer, and I was still too much of a co-dependent. STBXAH found a girlfriend at the end of '16, and come January, he was happy to cooperate and refile a JOINT petition. Our state has a four month waiting period. Once the waiting period was up, we were able to submit our final documents and get a court date.)
Our court call is 9:15 a.m. tomorrow. On the one hand, I mostly finished mourning the death of this marriage four years ago, when the abuse escalated to an all-time high and then he left to work out of town for a year. On the other hand, since the push to finish everything off in recent weeks, I have become very aware of how much this has been an emotional anchor around my neck, and how very much relieved I will be for this to be done.
I'm feeling very emotional lately, and not sleeping well. I will be glad when this is all done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I remember that feeling of having the divorce being the next day. It was a mixture of emotions. Feeling of relief, and some other feeling. It was like a feeling of emptiness, or maybe it was relief, or maybe just some gas.
I'll be waiting to hear from you tomorrow. It actually is a new beginning for a better life.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
The thing is, people don't get married intending to get divorced. As much as I have known, unequivocally, for over two years, that this the right thing for all of us, it's still sad. I'm happy, and it's a relief, but it's also sad. Sure, it's sad that the relationship failed, but I'm honestly MORE sad about the person he has become, and the person I allowed myself to become there for awhile. Don't get me wrong--I know how much progress I've made. I'm not that person anymore, and that's a wonderful thing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I can relate to every single one of your mixed feelings.
I think once it really IS final, the relief will predominate.
Congrats--been a long road, and glad you're finally gonna be free of this emotional burden.
I think once it really IS final, the relief will predominate.
Congrats--been a long road, and glad you're finally gonna be free of this emotional burden.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
I was happy and in love with my now husband by the time my divorce was actually final, but it was still emotionally more painful than I anticipated it would be.
I also felt like the divorce was the light at the end of the tunnel but in truth it was just the beginning of the end, with months of continued legal untangling for things like 401(k)s and mortgages to continue. Let alone things like parenting time challenges.
So my advice to you is don't get too excited about the divorce being legally final representing the end of this part of the process.
Still: it's a milestone and I know you'll be glad to cross it.
I also felt like the divorce was the light at the end of the tunnel but in truth it was just the beginning of the end, with months of continued legal untangling for things like 401(k)s and mortgages to continue. Let alone things like parenting time challenges.
So my advice to you is don't get too excited about the divorce being legally final representing the end of this part of the process.
Still: it's a milestone and I know you'll be glad to cross it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Sadly, this is not my first divorce, CPTA! Ugh. My first XH is not an A, but he had tons of emotional and maturity issues that plagued the first few years following our divorce. I'm glad to say that he and I have both come a long, long way.
I have also happily moved on and found love with someone. I have not loved my STBXAH in that way for four years. Part of wanting to get the divorce done NOW is so that everything can be finalized so that if/when things get really bad for him, I can just go back into court to modify things. As it stands now, he hasn't had a DUI in over 10 years. There is no history whatsoever that would prompt a judge to restrict his visitation, custody rights, etc. Might that day come sooner or later? Sure. And I am most definitely prepared to fight whatever fight I need to fight on that front.
I have also happily moved on and found love with someone. I have not loved my STBXAH in that way for four years. Part of wanting to get the divorce done NOW is so that everything can be finalized so that if/when things get really bad for him, I can just go back into court to modify things. As it stands now, he hasn't had a DUI in over 10 years. There is no history whatsoever that would prompt a judge to restrict his visitation, custody rights, etc. Might that day come sooner or later? Sure. And I am most definitely prepared to fight whatever fight I need to fight on that front.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's been a long, long haul for you, Wisconsin. I'm glad to hear that things will be final soon, so you can focus more on the now. I also totally get it about still being really emotional, even though for all intents and purposes things have been over for a long time. It's still an ending, and I'm terribly bad at dealing with endings too...
Great big hugs! You'll be in my thoughts today.
Great big hugs! You'll be in my thoughts today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Thank you so much, everyone. It's done. I started to cry when the judge asked me the place and date of our marriage, but I made it through and the divorce is final effective today. In the end it went out with a whimper. There was no drama, no fight. The total opposite of my first marriage, where the demise of the relationship was low-drama but the divorce was extremely high drama. This time, the demise of the relationship was fraught with drama and abuse, but the actual divorce was easy.
I have been on this road of ending the marriage for four long, grueling, traumatizing years. Suffice it to say that I would NOT be where I am, nor would I be the person I am (or would my kids be the people THEY are), if it was not for everyone here.
Onward and upward.
I have been on this road of ending the marriage for four long, grueling, traumatizing years. Suffice it to say that I would NOT be where I am, nor would I be the person I am (or would my kids be the people THEY are), if it was not for everyone here.
Onward and upward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Onward and upward indeed, my recovery friend!
Found this, thought it might express some of what you're feeling:
Death of a Marriage
I’ve given it my best.
The years frown back
from the mirror
to show me just how long,
until at last
I have to concede finality.
It’s over,
and I was the last
to know.
In spite of the realization,
it still hurts.
I’m told feelings are
hardest to let go of,
I suppose because
we’ve worn them
for so long.
Yet everyone knows
nothing is all bad.
The good was good,
but when the bad stretches
arrive more often,
stay longer
and hurt twice as much,
I finally see
the only time I’m happy
is when I’m alone.
The bad overshadows
anything good
and I see things
for what they really are.
Today, I stood in the yard
with my arms outstretched.
I had to see if he began
where my fingers ended,
- the way he used to,
but there was nothing there,
only air.
Then I checked my arms.
There must be needle tracks …
hell, he was like
an addiction,
but there were none.
When did the wrongs become
a way of life?
Apologies can no longer reboot trust
and there’s no going back.
In sad resignation
I’ve discovered I’m out of
last chances to give.
Feelings truly are
the hardest to let go of
and it really is
because we have a past,
and I ache knowing
there can be no future.
Nonetheless, I hate losing.
I loathe having failed at something
I’ve poured so much of me into
for so long …
but you just know,
and there in the
midst of the knowing
lies the death of a marriage.
~ C.J. Heck
Found this, thought it might express some of what you're feeling:
Death of a Marriage
I’ve given it my best.
The years frown back
from the mirror
to show me just how long,
until at last
I have to concede finality.
It’s over,
and I was the last
to know.
In spite of the realization,
it still hurts.
I’m told feelings are
hardest to let go of,
I suppose because
we’ve worn them
for so long.
Yet everyone knows
nothing is all bad.
The good was good,
but when the bad stretches
arrive more often,
stay longer
and hurt twice as much,
I finally see
the only time I’m happy
is when I’m alone.
The bad overshadows
anything good
and I see things
for what they really are.
Today, I stood in the yard
with my arms outstretched.
I had to see if he began
where my fingers ended,
- the way he used to,
but there was nothing there,
only air.
Then I checked my arms.
There must be needle tracks …
hell, he was like
an addiction,
but there were none.
When did the wrongs become
a way of life?
Apologies can no longer reboot trust
and there’s no going back.
In sad resignation
I’ve discovered I’m out of
last chances to give.
Feelings truly are
the hardest to let go of
and it really is
because we have a past,
and I ache knowing
there can be no future.
Nonetheless, I hate losing.
I loathe having failed at something
I’ve poured so much of me into
for so long …
but you just know,
and there in the
midst of the knowing
lies the death of a marriage.
~ C.J. Heck
So Tired of this
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
It's OK to have a mixed bag of emotions with this whole situation. I so badly wanted my marriage to work. I stuck with the situation for 22 years. As alcoholism is a progressive disease, things got worse with time and progressed to bizarre situations I never envisioned for my life. When you're a little girl and you imagine married life it doesn't include a person who urinates on your belongings, bed, sofa, suitcase, or dog, corners you on a couch screaming at you for hours, ruining vacations, skipping family get togethers at Christmas, or anal rape. And even through all that crap I still suffer from feeling guilty for getting a divorce. I'm currently on vacation with my boyfriend and while riding in the car I started thinking about my life and my eyes filled with tears over sadness of my failed marriage. I will be divorced 2 years in October. I too wonder when these feelings will start to subside. Anyway I wish you nothing but the best. Please try and enjoy life because life is short. Hugs to you.
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