homesick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
homesick
I left 2 1/2 weeks ago. I've tried to post several times since then; hopefully this goes thru.
The day was like any other; he started in on me the moment I walked through the door when I got home from work. Angry about something and blaming me for all that is wrong in the world. I was mentally and physically exhausted from weeks of being on edge and getting very little sleep.
Something about his words, tone, and posture was off. He got more and more cruel and ultimately took the dogs to the spare room with him, knowing I wouldn't leave without them. He paced the house most of the night, randomly stopping to flick on the lights were I was pretending to be asleep. He was like a zombie.
I waited until I could hear him snoring in the other room, by this time it was very early morning. I carefully extracted the dogs from the room, loaded them in the car, what few things I could quietly toss in my trunk, and drove away, shaking. As I reached the end of the street, I realized I left my wedding rings behind accidentally. This is the first time it's happened in 11 years. It actually crossed my mind to go back for them, instinct I guess, but thankfully I didn't.
I stayed with a coworker a couple nights until I got the apartment I'm at now, sitting on my one piece of furniture - an air mattress.
He has contacted me much less than I anticipated. A few nasty texts after he awoke telling me he had changed the locks and demanding the dogs (and his handguns, which I hid weeks ago) back. He left a couple of sobbing voicemails a few nights ago saying he made "a" mistake. Calls go straight voicemail, emails and texts to spam folders. I can see them, but have to intentionally seek them out. One of the many tips I've picked up here, so thank you.
I've contacted him once, a few days after I left, to let him know I was filing for divorce. I gave him the insurance advisors' number to call for help, reminded him that we've met our of pocket max, and begged him think of me for once. I'm alone for the first time in my life, traumatised from the past couple months, have no belongings to speak of, and I need civility and peace for my mental health above everything. I told him I could never go back. It will take my soul years to recover.
His reply? Not "I'm sorry", "stay safe", or "I'll leave so you can get your things", but instead he simply replied "don't do this to me".
Me. Doing this to him.
He will not answer the door to be served, so I have to file a public notice. I'd think he was dead if not for the daily charges for booze. Not sure why the processor can't catch him then...
Right now I'm angry and terribly homesick. I am scrounging for and borrowing the most basic necessities, while he sits surrounded by two of everything he could possibly need, too drunk to use any of it. 5 nights is about my limit to be away from home, even while vacationing in paradise. I have sentimental attachments to that home. I miss my bed, my things, and it's comfort and "safety". I moved around a lot growing up in an abusive household. I lived in that home 5x longer than anywhere else in my life and it was a symbol of safety and stability despite the hell going on inside.
The apartment is loud, the dogs are jumpy, and a man was carjacked at gunpoint here mid afternoon. I'm in a big city, so it could happen anywhere, and I know no apartments are as quiet as my home. It all just adds to my sadness.
It will likely be over a month until I can get my things. Technically I can go there now and call the cops if he won't let me in, but I'd only be able to get things that clearly belong to me - clothes and toiletries mostly. I have to wait for a court order to get my personal furniture and dads stuff, etc. I'd rather go through that once, because it won't be pretty.
Selling the house and getting him out is another battle all together (he is unemployed and cannot pay the mortgage). Crazy thing is I could afford that house on my own if he would have just left like most men. If he was forced out now, I wouldn't feel safe there. Like I said, I can never go back.
I hope it gets better and I am able to feel at home here. Maybe familiar furnishings will help, or make it worse, who knows.
I am grateful for the peace here (even if there is not enough "quiet"). I'm grateful I had somewhere to go at 3am, a way to get there, money for an apartment, and credit for things I can't borrow. That is more than many women, some on here, have so I know it could be worse.
I have a long road ahead of me and am also grateful for this forum.
I've lost my parent, husband, and home in 6 weeks and am lost. For those of you who had to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, any tips on how to adjust? Do I try to replicate this sights, smells, habits of home or try to make everything like opposite-land so I'm not reminded? Or is it just time?
The day was like any other; he started in on me the moment I walked through the door when I got home from work. Angry about something and blaming me for all that is wrong in the world. I was mentally and physically exhausted from weeks of being on edge and getting very little sleep.
Something about his words, tone, and posture was off. He got more and more cruel and ultimately took the dogs to the spare room with him, knowing I wouldn't leave without them. He paced the house most of the night, randomly stopping to flick on the lights were I was pretending to be asleep. He was like a zombie.
I waited until I could hear him snoring in the other room, by this time it was very early morning. I carefully extracted the dogs from the room, loaded them in the car, what few things I could quietly toss in my trunk, and drove away, shaking. As I reached the end of the street, I realized I left my wedding rings behind accidentally. This is the first time it's happened in 11 years. It actually crossed my mind to go back for them, instinct I guess, but thankfully I didn't.
I stayed with a coworker a couple nights until I got the apartment I'm at now, sitting on my one piece of furniture - an air mattress.
He has contacted me much less than I anticipated. A few nasty texts after he awoke telling me he had changed the locks and demanding the dogs (and his handguns, which I hid weeks ago) back. He left a couple of sobbing voicemails a few nights ago saying he made "a" mistake. Calls go straight voicemail, emails and texts to spam folders. I can see them, but have to intentionally seek them out. One of the many tips I've picked up here, so thank you.
I've contacted him once, a few days after I left, to let him know I was filing for divorce. I gave him the insurance advisors' number to call for help, reminded him that we've met our of pocket max, and begged him think of me for once. I'm alone for the first time in my life, traumatised from the past couple months, have no belongings to speak of, and I need civility and peace for my mental health above everything. I told him I could never go back. It will take my soul years to recover.
His reply? Not "I'm sorry", "stay safe", or "I'll leave so you can get your things", but instead he simply replied "don't do this to me".
Me. Doing this to him.
He will not answer the door to be served, so I have to file a public notice. I'd think he was dead if not for the daily charges for booze. Not sure why the processor can't catch him then...
Right now I'm angry and terribly homesick. I am scrounging for and borrowing the most basic necessities, while he sits surrounded by two of everything he could possibly need, too drunk to use any of it. 5 nights is about my limit to be away from home, even while vacationing in paradise. I have sentimental attachments to that home. I miss my bed, my things, and it's comfort and "safety". I moved around a lot growing up in an abusive household. I lived in that home 5x longer than anywhere else in my life and it was a symbol of safety and stability despite the hell going on inside.
The apartment is loud, the dogs are jumpy, and a man was carjacked at gunpoint here mid afternoon. I'm in a big city, so it could happen anywhere, and I know no apartments are as quiet as my home. It all just adds to my sadness.
It will likely be over a month until I can get my things. Technically I can go there now and call the cops if he won't let me in, but I'd only be able to get things that clearly belong to me - clothes and toiletries mostly. I have to wait for a court order to get my personal furniture and dads stuff, etc. I'd rather go through that once, because it won't be pretty.
Selling the house and getting him out is another battle all together (he is unemployed and cannot pay the mortgage). Crazy thing is I could afford that house on my own if he would have just left like most men. If he was forced out now, I wouldn't feel safe there. Like I said, I can never go back.
I hope it gets better and I am able to feel at home here. Maybe familiar furnishings will help, or make it worse, who knows.
I am grateful for the peace here (even if there is not enough "quiet"). I'm grateful I had somewhere to go at 3am, a way to get there, money for an apartment, and credit for things I can't borrow. That is more than many women, some on here, have so I know it could be worse.
I have a long road ahead of me and am also grateful for this forum.
I've lost my parent, husband, and home in 6 weeks and am lost. For those of you who had to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, any tips on how to adjust? Do I try to replicate this sights, smells, habits of home or try to make everything like opposite-land so I'm not reminded? Or is it just time?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you talked with a DV advocate? I'm not sure whether you'd qualify for a protective order, but it doesn't hurt to find out. And even if you don't, they can may be able to help you with resources during this time of transition.
I'm glad you and your dogs were able to get out safely. Big hugs--you did the brave thing and the right thing.
I'm glad you and your dogs were able to get out safely. Big hugs--you did the brave thing and the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I'm not home sick because everything in that home was hell. I walked out with my clothes on April 25th. He was drunk the first 2 weeks and is sober right now for the time being. I just bought a bed today. I get to sleep on a bed tonight and it feels so good knowing that he can't take it from me like he kept the last one as he told me... You walk out that door and you will sleep like a dog on the floor. And I did. The man who said he loved me so much would let me sleep like a dog on a hard wood floor. I don't know if it was the alcoholism or him hating me so much because I was done with his sh!t?!
Things will get easier.
Things will get easier.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Tx,
Hugs & prayers for you ((( ))).
You sound pretty good for being in such a difficult situation,
I can't give any specific advice as I have not been through it.
I have read from others posters that it does get better with time,
as you slowly make it your home, your safe place, your refuge.
Fill it with the things you love & make you happy. For noise,
a fan or white noise machine is amazing for drowning out random
noise - a great help for sleeping well. The dogs would likely
benefit too. In a large city furniture consignment stores are pretty nice.
Alanon? Hopefully you have checked out some meetings? Therapy?
Please take good care of yourself, and keep posting. Wishing you
all the best and lots of peace & calm, and a bright new
beginning.
Hugs & prayers for you ((( ))).
You sound pretty good for being in such a difficult situation,
I can't give any specific advice as I have not been through it.
I have read from others posters that it does get better with time,
as you slowly make it your home, your safe place, your refuge.
Fill it with the things you love & make you happy. For noise,
a fan or white noise machine is amazing for drowning out random
noise - a great help for sleeping well. The dogs would likely
benefit too. In a large city furniture consignment stores are pretty nice.
Alanon? Hopefully you have checked out some meetings? Therapy?
Please take good care of yourself, and keep posting. Wishing you
all the best and lots of peace & calm, and a bright new
beginning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
I'm not home sick because everything in that home was hell. I walked out with my clothes on April 25th. He was drunk the first 2 weeks and is sober right now for the time being. I just bought a bed today. I get to sleep on a bed tonight and it feels so good knowing that he can't take it from me like he kept the last one as he told me... You walk out that door and you will sleep like a dog on the floor. And I did. The man who said he loved me so much would let me sleep like a dog on a hard wood floor. I don't know if it was the alcoholism or him hating me so much because I was done with his sh!t?!
Things will get easier.
Things will get easier.
Thanks for the reply, seems like we are in similar spots.
It is peculiar the conflicting statements they can make, sometimes one right after another. One minute professing their love, the next making threats. Thing is, despite all the horrible things he's said and done, I still want to be civil and fair. I won't intentionally put him in the position he's put me in.
I still can't reconcile the man from a couple years ago to the one today. Difference is so severe I can't compute and have just chalked it up to frontal lobe damage.
I hope you sleep well in your new bed.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Tx, what a brave person you are, and you can think of yourself like a heroine in a novel, going through a dark patch now, but ready for your happy ending. I wish I could offer you a room, or some help, but you might find it a bit far to come.
I would just urge you to find a way to get some of your stuff, with the help of the police. All the better if he isn't there, you can take some furniture too.
Do you have friends or family to support you right now and help with the necessities of life? I would also see what resources are around to help you furnish where you live. You can pay it back in kind later, and I'm sure you will.
As for how to adjust, firstly know that it will take time. You don't lose a big part of your life in a short time without feeling it, but as your start to re-build you are doing it for yourself alone. No-one can take it from you.
I would just urge you to find a way to get some of your stuff, with the help of the police. All the better if he isn't there, you can take some furniture too.
Do you have friends or family to support you right now and help with the necessities of life? I would also see what resources are around to help you furnish where you live. You can pay it back in kind later, and I'm sure you will.
As for how to adjust, firstly know that it will take time. You don't lose a big part of your life in a short time without feeling it, but as your start to re-build you are doing it for yourself alone. No-one can take it from you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, sweetie, what a nightmare. You are one brave cookie, though.
I have some tiny inkling in that I am also living in a crappy temporary apartment with all my stuff in storage, but it's nothing like the trauma you've been through. But I totally understand the stress of the noise, the neighbors, the being away from your home. I even have stressed out dogs here...they hate it, too.
Sending you my admiration and an enormous heartfelt hug. I'm so glad you got away from that man, but I'm just sorry it had to happen this way.
I have some tiny inkling in that I am also living in a crappy temporary apartment with all my stuff in storage, but it's nothing like the trauma you've been through. But I totally understand the stress of the noise, the neighbors, the being away from your home. I even have stressed out dogs here...they hate it, too.
Sending you my admiration and an enormous heartfelt hug. I'm so glad you got away from that man, but I'm just sorry it had to happen this way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey Tx,
I also left with basically just the clothes on my back, and a very small suitcase. I had an air mattress with a hole in it, and one of those really old big tv's, with the rabbit ear antenna, that I had to wrap in aluminum foil for better reception. The tv also had a VCR, so I was able to watch some movies. You would think that I am talking about 20 or 25 yrs ago. This was 9 years ago.
I was so used to my stuff, now I had none of that. I had to look at things a different way. I told myself that this was like "camping". I had the refrig, the stove, the microwave, I also had my sand chair, so that I could sit down to watch tv.
What I found out from all of that, was that I was actually OK with myself. I was able to be optimistic about things, and just able to laugh at things again. I was just picturing myself there, sitting in that sand chair, watching that TV that was from the 50's with the rabbit ears, and just thinking, it can't get anymore peaceful then this. (lol)
I developed new hobbies. I became an avid garage sale shopper, estate sales, church flea markets.
I bought my own home in 2011. I do not have one stick of furniture from my marital home. It's all my stuff in this house. I did my house the way that I wanted to. I wasn't allowed to put pictures or wall art up when I was married. Now I have it all over the place. I wasn't allowed to have a stone wall in one of the rooms, now I have that also.
Guess what I am saying, is first, you were very brave to make that big move, second, just sit with yourself for awhile, and try to remember who you are, and what you like, and go for that. Just take this period of time as a blessing so that you can get to know yourself again.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I also left with basically just the clothes on my back, and a very small suitcase. I had an air mattress with a hole in it, and one of those really old big tv's, with the rabbit ear antenna, that I had to wrap in aluminum foil for better reception. The tv also had a VCR, so I was able to watch some movies. You would think that I am talking about 20 or 25 yrs ago. This was 9 years ago.
I was so used to my stuff, now I had none of that. I had to look at things a different way. I told myself that this was like "camping". I had the refrig, the stove, the microwave, I also had my sand chair, so that I could sit down to watch tv.
What I found out from all of that, was that I was actually OK with myself. I was able to be optimistic about things, and just able to laugh at things again. I was just picturing myself there, sitting in that sand chair, watching that TV that was from the 50's with the rabbit ears, and just thinking, it can't get anymore peaceful then this. (lol)
I developed new hobbies. I became an avid garage sale shopper, estate sales, church flea markets.
I bought my own home in 2011. I do not have one stick of furniture from my marital home. It's all my stuff in this house. I did my house the way that I wanted to. I wasn't allowed to put pictures or wall art up when I was married. Now I have it all over the place. I wasn't allowed to have a stone wall in one of the rooms, now I have that also.
Guess what I am saying, is first, you were very brave to make that big move, second, just sit with yourself for awhile, and try to remember who you are, and what you like, and go for that. Just take this period of time as a blessing so that you can get to know yourself again.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Tx, sending you a hug--kudos to you for taking action, and for the courage it took to do so. I don't know if you've read Shooting Star's story, but here's a link. I think you might feel a certain kinship: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-health.html
I didn't have to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, since I kept the house which had been my grandmother's. However, staying in the same place where you've spent 20+ years w/someone has it's own considerations....
I second the suggestion for white sound, nature sounds, etc. If you have a little portable Bluetooth speaker or the like (decent ones for $30 or less on Amazon), you can play music from Youtube for free, and there is a TON of audio out there for relaxation and sleep as well as nature sounds and guided meditation.
As far as sources for material things, I would suggest Goodwill or similar, craigslist, and FreeCycle. The first 2 suggestions I'm sure you're familiar with. You can google FreeCycle to find their site and see if they're active in your area--if it's a major metro area, I'd be willing to bet they are. The idea is that people can post to offer or request pretty much anything (no guns or things of that nature) but it must be FREE, no barter, etc. I got a queen-size memory foam mattress last fall to replace the ancient futon I'd been sleeping on and it made a world of difference in how well I slept! You could peruse the listings, or you could post your own "wants." There is no requirement to balance giving w/getting, so don't worry about coming on as a newbie and asking for what you need in your very first post. I frequently see posts for people looking for "general household items" and I often wonder if these people are in the same boat you are.
As far as keeping it similar versus "opposite-land", I think ultimately you'll get to where your space isn't any kind of reaction to where you used to live but just a thing of its own. I think it takes a while to get there, though. When XAH moved out, I definitely did some "opposite" things--he always kept the shades pulled, dark and gloomy, and I OPENED THOSE SHADES! Light, light! I also bought colorful things, to the point where I kind of had a "preschool look" going on.
That has settled since then, thankfully, and things are a bit more tasteful. In fact, my plans for this weekend include painting at least one room, hopefully two, and cleaning everything thoroughly as it gets put back in place. People are like "really? That doesn't sound very fun", but then again, they don't understand the reason or the process, and I suspect that most of us here DO get it.
I think your dogs might appreciate a little bit of familiarity as far as where their beds and food bowls are, if you can manage it, but I also think the fact that you have more than one dog is important. They still have you, and they still have each other, and everything else they'll get used to. One of my dogs, the Demon Terrier, adored XAH, and so I worried about her. Truthfully, she seems happier now than she did then--probably at least in part b/c I do pay attention to her, unlike XAH who would ignore her as she gazed longingly at him.
Again, Tx, I am so glad to hear from you. I'm glad you and your houndies are OK and you've gotten out of that situation. I'm sorry you still have so much crap to wade through before it's finally all over with, but I feel certain you'll come through w/flying colors. Please be careful, be safe, and stay in touch.
And have some fun putting together your new life!
I didn't have to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, since I kept the house which had been my grandmother's. However, staying in the same place where you've spent 20+ years w/someone has it's own considerations....
I second the suggestion for white sound, nature sounds, etc. If you have a little portable Bluetooth speaker or the like (decent ones for $30 or less on Amazon), you can play music from Youtube for free, and there is a TON of audio out there for relaxation and sleep as well as nature sounds and guided meditation.
As far as sources for material things, I would suggest Goodwill or similar, craigslist, and FreeCycle. The first 2 suggestions I'm sure you're familiar with. You can google FreeCycle to find their site and see if they're active in your area--if it's a major metro area, I'd be willing to bet they are. The idea is that people can post to offer or request pretty much anything (no guns or things of that nature) but it must be FREE, no barter, etc. I got a queen-size memory foam mattress last fall to replace the ancient futon I'd been sleeping on and it made a world of difference in how well I slept! You could peruse the listings, or you could post your own "wants." There is no requirement to balance giving w/getting, so don't worry about coming on as a newbie and asking for what you need in your very first post. I frequently see posts for people looking for "general household items" and I often wonder if these people are in the same boat you are.
As far as keeping it similar versus "opposite-land", I think ultimately you'll get to where your space isn't any kind of reaction to where you used to live but just a thing of its own. I think it takes a while to get there, though. When XAH moved out, I definitely did some "opposite" things--he always kept the shades pulled, dark and gloomy, and I OPENED THOSE SHADES! Light, light! I also bought colorful things, to the point where I kind of had a "preschool look" going on.
That has settled since then, thankfully, and things are a bit more tasteful. In fact, my plans for this weekend include painting at least one room, hopefully two, and cleaning everything thoroughly as it gets put back in place. People are like "really? That doesn't sound very fun", but then again, they don't understand the reason or the process, and I suspect that most of us here DO get it.
I think your dogs might appreciate a little bit of familiarity as far as where their beds and food bowls are, if you can manage it, but I also think the fact that you have more than one dog is important. They still have you, and they still have each other, and everything else they'll get used to. One of my dogs, the Demon Terrier, adored XAH, and so I worried about her. Truthfully, she seems happier now than she did then--probably at least in part b/c I do pay attention to her, unlike XAH who would ignore her as she gazed longingly at him.
Again, Tx, I am so glad to hear from you. I'm glad you and your houndies are OK and you've gotten out of that situation. I'm sorry you still have so much crap to wade through before it's finally all over with, but I feel certain you'll come through w/flying colors. Please be careful, be safe, and stay in touch.
And have some fun putting together your new life!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Txbuttercup
Hi box,
Thanks for the reply, seems like we are in similar spots.
It is peculiar the conflicting statements they can make, sometimes one right after another. One minute professing their love, the next making threats. Thing is, despite all the horrible things he's said and done, I still want to be civil and fair. I won't intentionally put him in the position he's put me in.
I still can't reconcile the man from a couple years ago to the one today. Difference is so severe I can't compute and have just chalked it up to frontal lobe damage.
I hope you sleep well in your new bed.
Thanks for the reply, seems like we are in similar spots.
It is peculiar the conflicting statements they can make, sometimes one right after another. One minute professing their love, the next making threats. Thing is, despite all the horrible things he's said and done, I still want to be civil and fair. I won't intentionally put him in the position he's put me in.
I still can't reconcile the man from a couple years ago to the one today. Difference is so severe I can't compute and have just chalked it up to frontal lobe damage.
I hope you sleep well in your new bed.
I've been with a drug addict and an alcoholic and the alcoholic was far worse than the drug addict when it came to the daily grind of life. I told him, You are the only man that has worn me completely out! He said, Thank you! I told him, that wasn't a compliment!
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Focus on the future
Originally Posted by Txbuttercup
I left 2 1/2 weeks ago. I've tried to post several times since then; hopefully this goes thru.
The day was like any other; he started in on me the moment I walked through the door when I got home from work. Angry about something and blaming me for all that is wrong in the world. I was mentally and physically exhausted from weeks of being on edge and getting very little sleep.
Something about his words, tone, and posture was off. He got more and more cruel and ultimately took the dogs to the spare room with him, knowing I wouldn't leave without them. He paced the house most of the night, randomly stopping to flick on the lights were I was pretending to be asleep. He was like a zombie.
I waited until I could hear him snoring in the other room, by this time it was very early morning. I carefully extracted the dogs from the room, loaded them in the car, what few things I could quietly toss in my trunk, and drove away, shaking. As I reached the end of the street, I realized I left my wedding rings behind accidentally. This is the first time it's happened in 11 years. It actually crossed my mind to go back for them, instinct I guess, but thankfully I didn't.
I stayed with a coworker a couple nights until I got the apartment I'm at now, sitting on my one piece of furniture - an air mattress.
He has contacted me much less than I anticipated. A few nasty texts after he awoke telling me he had changed the locks and demanding the dogs (and his handguns, which I hid weeks ago) back. He left a couple of sobbing voicemails a few nights ago saying he made "a" mistake. Calls go straight voicemail, emails and texts to spam folders. I can see them, but have to intentionally seek them out. One of the many tips I've picked up here, so thank you.
I've contacted him once, a few days after I left, to let him know I was filing for divorce. I gave him the insurance advisors' number to call for help, reminded him that we've met our of pocket max, and begged him think of me for once. I'm alone for the first time in my life, traumatised from the past couple months, have no belongings to speak of, and I need civility and peace for my mental health above everything. I told him I could never go back. It will take my soul years to recover.
His reply? Not "I'm sorry", "stay safe", or "I'll leave so you can get your things", but instead he simply replied "don't do this to me".
Me. Doing this to him.
He will not answer the door to be served, so I have to file a public notice. I'd think he was dead if not for the daily charges for booze. Not sure why the processor can't catch him then...
Right now I'm angry and terribly homesick. I am scrounging for and borrowing the most basic necessities, while he sits surrounded by two of everything he could possibly need, too drunk to use any of it. 5 nights is about my limit to be away from home, even while vacationing in paradise. I have sentimental attachments to that home. I miss my bed, my things, and it's comfort and "safety". I moved around a lot growing up in an abusive household. I lived in that home 5x longer than anywhere else in my life and it was a symbol of safety and stability despite the hell going on inside.
The apartment is loud, the dogs are jumpy, and a man was carjacked at gunpoint here mid afternoon. I'm in a big city, so it could happen anywhere, and I know no apartments are as quiet as my home. It all just adds to my sadness.
It will likely be over a month until I can get my things. Technically I can go there now and call the cops if he won't let me in, but I'd only be able to get things that clearly belong to me - clothes and toiletries mostly. I have to wait for a court order to get my personal furniture and dads stuff, etc. I'd rather go through that once, because it won't be pretty.
Selling the house and getting him out is another battle all together (he is unemployed and cannot pay the mortgage). Crazy thing is I could afford that house on my own if he would have just left like most men. If he was forced out now, I wouldn't feel safe there. Like I said, I can never go back.
I hope it gets better and I am able to feel at home here. Maybe familiar furnishings will help, or make it worse, who knows.
I am grateful for the peace here (even if there is not enough "quiet"). I'm grateful I had somewhere to go at 3am, a way to get there, money for an apartment, and credit for things I can't borrow. That is more than many women, some on here, have so I know it could be worse.
I have a long road ahead of me and am also grateful for this forum.
I've lost my parent, husband, and home in 6 weeks and am lost. For those of you who had to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, any tips on how to adjust? Do I try to replicate this sights, smells, habits of home or try to make everything like opposite-land so I'm not reminded? Or is it just time?
The day was like any other; he started in on me the moment I walked through the door when I got home from work. Angry about something and blaming me for all that is wrong in the world. I was mentally and physically exhausted from weeks of being on edge and getting very little sleep.
Something about his words, tone, and posture was off. He got more and more cruel and ultimately took the dogs to the spare room with him, knowing I wouldn't leave without them. He paced the house most of the night, randomly stopping to flick on the lights were I was pretending to be asleep. He was like a zombie.
I waited until I could hear him snoring in the other room, by this time it was very early morning. I carefully extracted the dogs from the room, loaded them in the car, what few things I could quietly toss in my trunk, and drove away, shaking. As I reached the end of the street, I realized I left my wedding rings behind accidentally. This is the first time it's happened in 11 years. It actually crossed my mind to go back for them, instinct I guess, but thankfully I didn't.
I stayed with a coworker a couple nights until I got the apartment I'm at now, sitting on my one piece of furniture - an air mattress.
He has contacted me much less than I anticipated. A few nasty texts after he awoke telling me he had changed the locks and demanding the dogs (and his handguns, which I hid weeks ago) back. He left a couple of sobbing voicemails a few nights ago saying he made "a" mistake. Calls go straight voicemail, emails and texts to spam folders. I can see them, but have to intentionally seek them out. One of the many tips I've picked up here, so thank you.
I've contacted him once, a few days after I left, to let him know I was filing for divorce. I gave him the insurance advisors' number to call for help, reminded him that we've met our of pocket max, and begged him think of me for once. I'm alone for the first time in my life, traumatised from the past couple months, have no belongings to speak of, and I need civility and peace for my mental health above everything. I told him I could never go back. It will take my soul years to recover.
His reply? Not "I'm sorry", "stay safe", or "I'll leave so you can get your things", but instead he simply replied "don't do this to me".
Me. Doing this to him.
He will not answer the door to be served, so I have to file a public notice. I'd think he was dead if not for the daily charges for booze. Not sure why the processor can't catch him then...
Right now I'm angry and terribly homesick. I am scrounging for and borrowing the most basic necessities, while he sits surrounded by two of everything he could possibly need, too drunk to use any of it. 5 nights is about my limit to be away from home, even while vacationing in paradise. I have sentimental attachments to that home. I miss my bed, my things, and it's comfort and "safety". I moved around a lot growing up in an abusive household. I lived in that home 5x longer than anywhere else in my life and it was a symbol of safety and stability despite the hell going on inside.
The apartment is loud, the dogs are jumpy, and a man was carjacked at gunpoint here mid afternoon. I'm in a big city, so it could happen anywhere, and I know no apartments are as quiet as my home. It all just adds to my sadness.
It will likely be over a month until I can get my things. Technically I can go there now and call the cops if he won't let me in, but I'd only be able to get things that clearly belong to me - clothes and toiletries mostly. I have to wait for a court order to get my personal furniture and dads stuff, etc. I'd rather go through that once, because it won't be pretty.
Selling the house and getting him out is another battle all together (he is unemployed and cannot pay the mortgage). Crazy thing is I could afford that house on my own if he would have just left like most men. If he was forced out now, I wouldn't feel safe there. Like I said, I can never go back.
I hope it gets better and I am able to feel at home here. Maybe familiar furnishings will help, or make it worse, who knows.
I am grateful for the peace here (even if there is not enough "quiet"). I'm grateful I had somewhere to go at 3am, a way to get there, money for an apartment, and credit for things I can't borrow. That is more than many women, some on here, have so I know it could be worse.
I have a long road ahead of me and am also grateful for this forum.
I've lost my parent, husband, and home in 6 weeks and am lost. For those of you who had to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, any tips on how to adjust? Do I try to replicate this sights, smells, habits of home or try to make everything like opposite-land so I'm not reminded? Or is it just time?
Brand new and know little... except that I feel like there are 1000 little tempting demons messing with my head and showing me reasons to consider taking him back. I'm trying not to be fooled. Losing your home and stuff sucks on top of everything else! So much loss and I'm sorry. But most of what you "lost" was bad and the important thing like sanity, peace and freedom. Good luck handling things legally and patiently and stay strong. Make a NEW beautiful future. You can get new stuff. You can't get another you. xo You did the right thing. It could have escalated terribly at this point. Stay safe. And hug those doggies!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Hang in there - very proud of you for taking that step! It will get easier - I have been in my own place for six weeks and even though my brain tries to trick me sometimes about missing the nice AH - I just remember how terrible he was to me a lot and I read my old posts. My dog and I are getting settled and just enjoying the peace and not having someone yell at us or smell like a drunkard. Reach out if you need support - we are here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Sending you hugs. I love going to estate sales (check estatesales . net for your location). Besides acquiring some cool things for a great price, it's a wonderful way to do something different, to get out, and to give your mind some space. Facebook also has a marketplace now where you can buy or sell items.
I can so vividly recall being where you are now. It's been almost 2 years for me since I left. It does get better. Your description of how you are feeling - that homesickness - perfectly summarizes what I felt but could not put into words. Thank you for writing it out. I'm so sorry you're going through it. You have a great opportunity to start to surround yourself with new (or new-to-you) items that you love. I have some things from the old house and it is sometimes painful to see them. I'm moving again soon so it may be time to start selling some things...
I can so vividly recall being where you are now. It's been almost 2 years for me since I left. It does get better. Your description of how you are feeling - that homesickness - perfectly summarizes what I felt but could not put into words. Thank you for writing it out. I'm so sorry you're going through it. You have a great opportunity to start to surround yourself with new (or new-to-you) items that you love. I have some things from the old house and it is sometimes painful to see them. I'm moving again soon so it may be time to start selling some things...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
those of you who had to start over in unfamiliar surroundings, any tips on how to adjust? Do I try to replicate this sights, smells, habits of home or try to make everything like opposite-land so I'm not reminded? Or is it just time?
I lost everything. My home, my cats, my guinea pigs and rabbits and ultimately most of my children as they dont speak to me anymore. I moved to a strange town and I lived in a small flat with my dog for 6 months and then my youngest sons came to live with me cos exah was too drunk to have them ( they were 16 and it was their choice to stay with him) and we moved to a slightly larger flat and I had to give up my dog as one of my boys is terrified of them thanks to exah. When the boys came to live with me they brought a lot of things from the marital home but I think on balance I'd rather have made fresh start and I've gradually replaced most stuff with things I wanted. I also ended up with our cats back as exah was too drunk to care for them and me and one of my daughters went on a rescue mission and took them while he was passed out on the sofa one morning. He didn't notice for a month. He also didn't notice for 3 weeks the two youngest boys had gone.
It takes time to adjust, time to see things are better and make a home elsewhere. I make quilts so made some just for this place and it feels like home now. I left a 6 bedroomed, massive house with a huge yard but I'd rather be here now.
I lost everything. My home, my cats, my guinea pigs and rabbits and ultimately most of my children as they dont speak to me anymore. I moved to a strange town and I lived in a small flat with my dog for 6 months and then my youngest sons came to live with me cos exah was too drunk to have them ( they were 16 and it was their choice to stay with him) and we moved to a slightly larger flat and I had to give up my dog as one of my boys is terrified of them thanks to exah. When the boys came to live with me they brought a lot of things from the marital home but I think on balance I'd rather have made fresh start and I've gradually replaced most stuff with things I wanted. I also ended up with our cats back as exah was too drunk to care for them and me and one of my daughters went on a rescue mission and took them while he was passed out on the sofa one morning. He didn't notice for a month. He also didn't notice for 3 weeks the two youngest boys had gone.
It takes time to adjust, time to see things are better and make a home elsewhere. I make quilts so made some just for this place and it feels like home now. I left a 6 bedroomed, massive house with a huge yard but I'd rather be here now.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I had one thought...try to find one thing that's beautiful for you to look at. I found a half-price abstract painting that reminds me of the shore at one of the import stores and bought a couple of cheap throw pillows and a throw in some colors from the painting. For less than a hundred bucks, I have something I can look at and escape into.
Sending you another hug.
Sending you another hug.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I loved picking out stuff that looked nothing like what I'd had before. Took me some time to figure out what I really liked--I'd pretty much done stuff to please someone else for years, but it was a fun exploration. There are a lot of things I picked out initially that turned out not to be "me" but that was part of the adventure.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 52
Thank you for all the thoughtful replies.
Mylife - I'm still attending therapy. The alanon well has been poisoned so to speak since my attendance was a source of very heated conflicts. I'm in a new area, with different meetings, so I need to push through it.
Amy....girl, I rigged a HD computer monitor and an antenna to get one channel with my first week. I've since gotten an actual tv and cable! As far as remembering who I am and what I like...I'm honestly not sure there's anything to remember. Went straight from my parent's house into his, so I'm struggling finding a sense of self. I feel like I've woken up from a coma, except now I'm 15 years older with more responsibilities. My main "escape" was using pinterest to decorate my dream apartment, so there's a start!
Honey - I got their beds and favorite toys on my way out! I have no socks, but Mr. Squeaky pig made the cut.
Box - heard that line many times. I hope they are right, and we never have to meet anyone like them again.
Aries - I love this idea. I think replacing the mix matched hand me down bath rugs, towels, shower curtain, etc with stuff I like may do the trick! One complete room, no furniture required. Great idea.
I got white noise machine and it does help! I'm reluctant to get much, even for low prices via thrift, because it will be just more stuff I have to shuffle around (re-donate, I guess?) when I get my things. Already overwhelmed with the prospect of clearing the house.
Mylife - I'm still attending therapy. The alanon well has been poisoned so to speak since my attendance was a source of very heated conflicts. I'm in a new area, with different meetings, so I need to push through it.
Amy....girl, I rigged a HD computer monitor and an antenna to get one channel with my first week. I've since gotten an actual tv and cable! As far as remembering who I am and what I like...I'm honestly not sure there's anything to remember. Went straight from my parent's house into his, so I'm struggling finding a sense of self. I feel like I've woken up from a coma, except now I'm 15 years older with more responsibilities. My main "escape" was using pinterest to decorate my dream apartment, so there's a start!
Honey - I got their beds and favorite toys on my way out! I have no socks, but Mr. Squeaky pig made the cut.
Box - heard that line many times. I hope they are right, and we never have to meet anyone like them again.
Aries - I love this idea. I think replacing the mix matched hand me down bath rugs, towels, shower curtain, etc with stuff I like may do the trick! One complete room, no furniture required. Great idea.
I got white noise machine and it does help! I'm reluctant to get much, even for low prices via thrift, because it will be just more stuff I have to shuffle around (re-donate, I guess?) when I get my things. Already overwhelmed with the prospect of clearing the house.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
What is it with mentally abusive, self-absorbed men and that line. You know the one:
"No one will ever love you the way I do!"
My unfaithful, ex-husband told me that, too. He didn't drink while we were married, but my former MIL told me she would frequently find him drunk during/after our divorce. Maybe it's something out of the emotional abuser's playbook?
My answer was something along the lines of Rotzie's :
"Lord, I hope not!"
"No one will ever love you the way I do!"
My unfaithful, ex-husband told me that, too. He didn't drink while we were married, but my former MIL told me she would frequently find him drunk during/after our divorce. Maybe it's something out of the emotional abuser's playbook?
My answer was something along the lines of Rotzie's :
"Lord, I hope not!"
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