What Makes The Relationship Worth It?
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What Makes The Relationship Worth It?
I have been thinking about some things today, and I wanted to ask a question to the group here as I thought it might help me with my own thoughts.
What is the Biggest Concern, or the Most Troublesome Thing you deal with by being in a relationship with someone WHO IS IN RECOVERY FROM SUBSTANCES?
So I guess Im thinking of things like worrying about their coping skills going forward, and concern over a future relapse. Dealing with behaviors related to underlying emotional issues often part of the reason for using substances in the first place), the challenge of rebuilding the relationship after its been damaged, worry for your kids in the future as in its better just to cut your losses and avoid whats in the unknown future for the family? Your own fears and anxieties are just too difficult to cope with, etc.
What kinds of thoughts do you have that make you question if the relationship is worth it?
Or what makes you think it is worth the challenges? Like feeling there is still a good foundation, their being a good provider, or the amazing qualities you admire, respect, more good times than bad, common future goals.
What is the Biggest Concern, or the Most Troublesome Thing you deal with by being in a relationship with someone WHO IS IN RECOVERY FROM SUBSTANCES?
So I guess Im thinking of things like worrying about their coping skills going forward, and concern over a future relapse. Dealing with behaviors related to underlying emotional issues often part of the reason for using substances in the first place), the challenge of rebuilding the relationship after its been damaged, worry for your kids in the future as in its better just to cut your losses and avoid whats in the unknown future for the family? Your own fears and anxieties are just too difficult to cope with, etc.
What kinds of thoughts do you have that make you question if the relationship is worth it?
Or what makes you think it is worth the challenges? Like feeling there is still a good foundation, their being a good provider, or the amazing qualities you admire, respect, more good times than bad, common future goals.
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I don't know that anything I say would have much relevance to your situation. Your husband's "recovery" doesn't look at all like what I think of as recovery. And that isn't a criticism, it's just that I can't relate my experience to yours.
The one thing I WILL say, though, is one of my biggest concerns would be "What are the potential consequences for ME and for my child if he relapses?" I never had to fear violence of any kind. So for me, it was just a matter of waiting to see whether things got better or worse over time, whether I could see the changes in attitude toward life in general. Whether I could see a sense of responsibility and concern for himself and other people.
It's not only WHETHER someone relapses, it's what happens if he does.
The one thing I WILL say, though, is one of my biggest concerns would be "What are the potential consequences for ME and for my child if he relapses?" I never had to fear violence of any kind. So for me, it was just a matter of waiting to see whether things got better or worse over time, whether I could see the changes in attitude toward life in general. Whether I could see a sense of responsibility and concern for himself and other people.
It's not only WHETHER someone relapses, it's what happens if he does.
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Or what makes you think it is worth the challenges? Like feeling there is still a good foundation, their being a good provider, or the amazing qualities you admire, respect, more good times than bad, common future goals.
not challenges, RISKS. this statement above very much attempts to MINIMIZE the real tangible threat of addiction, and attempts to balance it out with all the "buts". we aren't talking "normal" growing pains in a relationship - we are talking about drug use, insanity and abuse. GOOD providers don't put their family in harm's way. AMAZING partners don't inflict harm upon their loved ones.
every addict is exactly ONE bad decision away. be that at one week clean, one year, or one decade. relapse is always possible. that's why recovering addicts must remain vigilant. not get complacent. not think the rules do not apply to them.
just YESTERDAY my husband had to head to a new job site and it was basically on the same route as we used to take to get the dealer's house. in fact he had commented on that.....he said i hate to even mention it but that's right where K's house was..........
when i didn't hear from hank at what i anticipated to be the right "get home" time, i DID start to panic. i freaked that just MAYBE he drove by the old place to just MAYBE see if K still lived there, and next thing ya know............
it didn't happen. but somewhere now in the 9 years post-crack cocaine, i still felt the threat. and the worry.
not challenges, RISKS. this statement above very much attempts to MINIMIZE the real tangible threat of addiction, and attempts to balance it out with all the "buts". we aren't talking "normal" growing pains in a relationship - we are talking about drug use, insanity and abuse. GOOD providers don't put their family in harm's way. AMAZING partners don't inflict harm upon their loved ones.
every addict is exactly ONE bad decision away. be that at one week clean, one year, or one decade. relapse is always possible. that's why recovering addicts must remain vigilant. not get complacent. not think the rules do not apply to them.
just YESTERDAY my husband had to head to a new job site and it was basically on the same route as we used to take to get the dealer's house. in fact he had commented on that.....he said i hate to even mention it but that's right where K's house was..........
when i didn't hear from hank at what i anticipated to be the right "get home" time, i DID start to panic. i freaked that just MAYBE he drove by the old place to just MAYBE see if K still lived there, and next thing ya know............
it didn't happen. but somewhere now in the 9 years post-crack cocaine, i still felt the threat. and the worry.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
Or what makes you think it is worth the challenges? Like feeling there is still a good foundation, their being a good provider, or the amazing qualities you admire, respect, more good times than bad, common future goals.
not challenges, RISKS. this statement above very much attempts to MINIMIZE the real tangible threat of addiction, and attempts to balance it out with all the "buts". we aren't talking "normal" growing pains in a relationship - we are talking about drug use, insanity and abuse. GOOD providers don't put their family in harm's way. AMAZING partners don't inflict harm upon their loved ones.
every addict is exactly ONE bad decision away. be that at one week clean, one year, or one decade. relapse is always possible. that's why recovering addicts must remain vigilant. not get complacent. not think the rules do not apply to them.
just YESTERDAY my husband had to head to a new job site and it was basically on the same route as we used to take to get the dealer's house. in fact he had commented on that.....he said i hate to even mention it but that's right where K's house was..........
when i didn't hear from hank at what i anticipated to be the right "get home" time, i DID start to panic. i freaked that just MAYBE he drove by the old place to just MAYBE see if K still lived there, and next thing ya know............
it didn't happen. but somewhere now in the 9 years post-crack cocaine, i still felt the threat. and the worry.
not challenges, RISKS. this statement above very much attempts to MINIMIZE the real tangible threat of addiction, and attempts to balance it out with all the "buts". we aren't talking "normal" growing pains in a relationship - we are talking about drug use, insanity and abuse. GOOD providers don't put their family in harm's way. AMAZING partners don't inflict harm upon their loved ones.
every addict is exactly ONE bad decision away. be that at one week clean, one year, or one decade. relapse is always possible. that's why recovering addicts must remain vigilant. not get complacent. not think the rules do not apply to them.
just YESTERDAY my husband had to head to a new job site and it was basically on the same route as we used to take to get the dealer's house. in fact he had commented on that.....he said i hate to even mention it but that's right where K's house was..........
when i didn't hear from hank at what i anticipated to be the right "get home" time, i DID start to panic. i freaked that just MAYBE he drove by the old place to just MAYBE see if K still lived there, and next thing ya know............
it didn't happen. but somewhere now in the 9 years post-crack cocaine, i still felt the threat. and the worry.
The risk wasnt too great for you. Or for him. You must manage your fears of the future, and everyday events like his going near his old drug hangouts. What males it worth it to you to stay with him and continue the relationship?
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I think what Anvil and I are both saying is that neither of us was taking a huge risk by staying with our partners. The risks were acceptable, within the range of what we could handle.
Here's what I mean. There are some bad things that are more likely to happen than others and there are some bad things that are worse than others, right? A high risk of a low-harm outcome may be acceptable; a high risk of a significant-harm outcome, not. In fact, a high risk of a low-harm outcome is much more acceptable to most people than a much lower risk of a significant-harm outcome.
Here's what I mean. There are some bad things that are more likely to happen than others and there are some bad things that are worse than others, right? A high risk of a low-harm outcome may be acceptable; a high risk of a significant-harm outcome, not. In fact, a high risk of a low-harm outcome is much more acceptable to most people than a much lower risk of a significant-harm outcome.
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I was optimistic until she relapsed. I discovered it at about 2 years after I thought she had stopped. So somewhere between then and 2 years later when it boiled to the surface. I just couldn't endure the diminished quality of life I was facing if I stayed. So for me nothing in the relationship remained worth it.
Not saying we all should get out because we all face our own circumstances. But my life is so much better now than it ever was when we are together.
I look and feel 15 years younger.
Not saying we all should get out because we all face our own circumstances. But my life is so much better now than it ever was when we are together.
I look and feel 15 years younger.
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well.........i really DO like the guy.....and he tolerates me pretty well. so that counts. we have a weird funky house on a lake AND we have a mortgage that neither of us could afford on our own, so while leaving is ALWAYS an option, it's not a matter of just running out the door screaming. plus the damn dogs.........
i am VERY solid in my resolve to never use again. and if i HAVE to leave or go to a hotel or whatever, i will absolutely do that. i don't stay because i feel i have to, or i owe it to him, or this is as good as it gets. and the majority of the time hank doesn't give me cause to worry, in fact, yesterday HE did nothing wrong. he just happened to be going to a job site that just happened to be where someone used to live. i let the worry monsters take me away for a bit!!!
and i'm not sure that's all bad.....to be reminded that the "danger" is still that close. should i have more faith in hank? i dunno....i'm certainly not one for blind faith. too much at risk.
also, it's just me in this.....my kid is grown, 34, and very much has her own life going. so if i screw up, or end up in a screwy position, i only have to extricate me.
i think hank's reasons for staying are pretty practical - 1) i'm used to him, trust me the hank training program is long, and he didn't come with a handbook! 2) i am a very strong independent woman and easily take care of the finances etc, which means he doesn't have to worry that gorgeous head about it 3) he considers me his closest friend and confidante, loves me a lot, and considers me a good companion. i haven't given me anything to fret over, worry about. i haven't started acting weird or sneaky. i'm always where i say i'll be, i am as reliable as rain in seattle.
i am VERY solid in my resolve to never use again. and if i HAVE to leave or go to a hotel or whatever, i will absolutely do that. i don't stay because i feel i have to, or i owe it to him, or this is as good as it gets. and the majority of the time hank doesn't give me cause to worry, in fact, yesterday HE did nothing wrong. he just happened to be going to a job site that just happened to be where someone used to live. i let the worry monsters take me away for a bit!!!
and i'm not sure that's all bad.....to be reminded that the "danger" is still that close. should i have more faith in hank? i dunno....i'm certainly not one for blind faith. too much at risk.
also, it's just me in this.....my kid is grown, 34, and very much has her own life going. so if i screw up, or end up in a screwy position, i only have to extricate me.
i think hank's reasons for staying are pretty practical - 1) i'm used to him, trust me the hank training program is long, and he didn't come with a handbook! 2) i am a very strong independent woman and easily take care of the finances etc, which means he doesn't have to worry that gorgeous head about it 3) he considers me his closest friend and confidante, loves me a lot, and considers me a good companion. i haven't given me anything to fret over, worry about. i haven't started acting weird or sneaky. i'm always where i say i'll be, i am as reliable as rain in seattle.
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I hate to say it, but I haven't met many people in SR or in the rooms that have said it was ever worth it. To date, not one person has ever made the case to me that it was worth staying. Not saying addicts don't deserve romantic love. But the beauty and wonder and bedrock of a relationship is security. Alcoholism is the opposite of that. Even in long term sobriety they are just a drink away from emptying the bank account, getting into a car accident, dying from a fall, dying from poisoning, losing their job. Yes these things can happen in ANY relationship. It's just that with an alcoholic, the chips are always stacked against you.
I think deep in our hearts we may know it is never worth it, as to stay is to sacrifice and RISK our own life and happiness. But there are still reasons we do it.
I think deep in our hearts we may know it is never worth it, as to stay is to sacrifice and RISK our own life and happiness. But there are still reasons we do it.
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Oh, I think it's TOTALLY worth it for someone with solid sobriety, who's proved him/herself trustworthy. Any one of us could drop dead tomorrow, contract a horrible disease, mental illness, etc. Life is full of risks. My marriage to my first husband would have been great if I'd felt "that way" about him. No complaints otherwise, and who can explain chemistry? I think if I were in the market for a relationship I'd be a good risk, at least as far as my sobriety goes. Personally, I think for someone with SOLID sobriety the risks are somewhat less, for a lot of things. If they've got good recovery, they are probably much more self-aware, and cognizant of the needs/rights of others, than the average person.
ETA: I think for a lot of partners, though, they stay in the mere hope (usually unfounded) that someone who's been consistently unreliable can be trusted after a brief period of not-drinking. THAT, I think, is what gets folks in trouble.
ETA: I think for a lot of partners, though, they stay in the mere hope (usually unfounded) that someone who's been consistently unreliable can be trusted after a brief period of not-drinking. THAT, I think, is what gets folks in trouble.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I don't know that anything I say would have much relevance to your situation. Your husband's "recovery" doesn't look at all like what I think of as recovery. And that isn't a criticism, it's just that I can't relate my experience to yours.
The one thing I WILL say, though, is one of my biggest concerns would be "What are the potential consequences for ME and for my child if he relapses?" I never had to fear violence of any kind. So for me, it was just a matter of waiting to see whether things got better or worse over time, whether I could see the changes in attitude toward life in general. Whether I could see a sense of responsibility and concern for himself and other people.
It's not only WHETHER someone relapses, it's what happens if he does.
The one thing I WILL say, though, is one of my biggest concerns would be "What are the potential consequences for ME and for my child if he relapses?" I never had to fear violence of any kind. So for me, it was just a matter of waiting to see whether things got better or worse over time, whether I could see the changes in attitude toward life in general. Whether I could see a sense of responsibility and concern for himself and other people.
It's not only WHETHER someone relapses, it's what happens if he does.
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I didn't stay with my qualifier(s), so I may not be helpful here. But what would be crucial for me in a risk analysis is whether the consequences of relapse would only affect me or would I be taking that risk for others, as well.
Your child is the really important consideration here. Even the healthiest of marriages go through big adjustments when their dynamic stops being a couple and starts being a triple, especially since having a baby changes everything about life.
Only you know your husband well enough to predict whether he can handle the responsibility of truly being a parent to your child, given how stressful it can be.
I debated whether to say this, but my first reactions to your thread title was, "if you need to ask if it's worth it, it probably isn't."
Sending you and the baby best wishes.
Your child is the really important consideration here. Even the healthiest of marriages go through big adjustments when their dynamic stops being a couple and starts being a triple, especially since having a baby changes everything about life.
Only you know your husband well enough to predict whether he can handle the responsibility of truly being a parent to your child, given how stressful it can be.
I debated whether to say this, but my first reactions to your thread title was, "if you need to ask if it's worth it, it probably isn't."
Sending you and the baby best wishes.
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
I hate to say it, but I haven't met many people in SR or in the rooms that have said it was ever worth it. To date, not one person has ever made the case to me that it was worth staying. Not saying addicts don't deserve romantic love. But the beauty and wonder and bedrock of a relationship is security. Alcoholism is the opposite of that. Even in long term sobriety they are just a drink away from emptying the bank account, getting into a car accident, dying from a fall, dying from poisoning, losing their job. Yes these things can happen in ANY relationship. It's just that with an alcoholic, the chips are always stacked against you.
I think deep in our hearts we may know it is never worth it, as to stay is to sacrifice and RISK our own life and happiness. But there are still reasons we do it.
I think deep in our hearts we may know it is never worth it, as to stay is to sacrifice and RISK our own life and happiness. But there are still reasons we do it.
But I also have to say there is a difference in the teachings of 12 step programs and their view of addiction and recovery than some other resources Ive used like therapy with the addiction doctor who is trained more in the medical and psychological side of things. I do tend to follow that guide more because it just makes sense to me. But I respect other peoples view and their own beliefs and the reasons we choose to stay or go just have to do with our own feelings and the risk factors we perceive I think.
But no, I havent ever felt like there was no reasons to stay because we have had a good relationship and no real issues up until this relapse. As Anvil said I DID like the guy. But in the relapse, when he truly lost his mind and acted in ways that were dangerous, disgusting and vile it damaged us obviously. But then over time now, Ive seen him try to come to terms with those things and question what is wrong with him that he would do certain things.
And that is somewhat the scary part for me. The will he get the underlying stuff figured out to a point of emotional stability when faced with tough times in the future. Because we all get hit with bad stuff and have to look within for strength. So, Im more worried about this than a belief he is just by his design an addict and must battle against it everyday.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
I didn't stay with my qualifier(s), so I may not be helpful here. But what would be crucial for me in a risk analysis is whether the consequences of relapse would only affect me or would I be taking that risk for others, as well.
Your child is the really important consideration here. Even the healthiest of marriages go through big adjustments when their dynamic stops being a couple and starts being a triple, especially since having a baby changes everything about life.
Only you know your husband well enough to predict whether he can handle the responsibility of truly being a parent to your child, given how stressful it can be.
I debated whether to say this, but my first reactions to your thread title was, "if you need to ask if it's worth it, it probably isn't."
Sending you and the baby best wishes.
Your child is the really important consideration here. Even the healthiest of marriages go through big adjustments when their dynamic stops being a couple and starts being a triple, especially since having a baby changes everything about life.
Only you know your husband well enough to predict whether he can handle the responsibility of truly being a parent to your child, given how stressful it can be.
I debated whether to say this, but my first reactions to your thread title was, "if you need to ask if it's worth it, it probably isn't."
Sending you and the baby best wishes.
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Originally Posted by aliciagr
When I was going to Alanon for the most part it felt like they assumed I was trying to get myself together so I was strong enough to leave my husband.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I would try a different meeting because this is not the intent of Al-Anon. I know quite a few people in my meetings who are with their A: some recovered, some only sober, some drinking. Al-Anon is not a prep course to leave our loved ones, it's a program to understand and improve our own inner lives. Perhaps certain individuals might presume to know your intentions or have opinions about what you "should" do, but that is not Al-Anon.
I think the individual therapy worked better for me, coupled with some insight here on sr to give me a different perspective. It helps me question my thought patterns as I go and follow up in a session if I need to. Havent got a therapist here since I moved back but am doing ok.
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One of the things I've observed, alicia, is that you are very definite in your beliefs about addiction and recovery. That's fine, that you've done a lot of reading on the subject. I can't help but wonder sometimes, though, how much of your beliefs are based on the fact that your husband is utterly resistant to any kind of twelve-step program, and this is what you feel you HAVE to convince yourself will keep him clean/sober. As I've said repeatedly, AA doesn't have a corner on recovery. I know plenty of people who have achieved solid sobriety without it. But it's very hard for me or, I suspect, most of the people here to gauge whether he's looking/sounding/acting like a person who's really embraced recovery. For example, his continued social drinking. I don't know of any recovery experts who advocate an addict's or alcoholic's continuing to use any recreational drugs. So that makes me question his commitment to sobriety. EVEN KNOWING HOW HORRIBLY HE TREATED YOU, he's still willing to roll the dice that way.
It seems to me that someone who treated his loved one as shamefully as he treated you would, if he is serious about never taking the chance of harming you again, do WHATEVER he needed to do to reduce his risk of relapse to as close to zero as possible. There are never any guarantees. I include myself. I think my sobriety is pretty rock-solid, and I have a firm intention never to drink again, but I don't take any chances--play with fire--by getting high.
I have only what you've told us to go on. But you don't talk about him as someone who had a single bad drug experience, you talk about him as an addict in recovery. And addicts have a tendency to relapse. And he doesn't strike me as taking this as seriously as he should, given the horrible things that happened when he was under the influence.
I still don't believe, based on my training and experience with violence, that the only thing going on with him was the drinking and drugs. They don't CAUSE violent behavior (with the exception of a few drugs like PCP, which you've never mentioned).
So no matter how many wonderful qualities you see in him, I don't see that he is an especially good risk for not repeating what happened.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong. But I'm not just making this up out of thin air, either.
It seems to me that someone who treated his loved one as shamefully as he treated you would, if he is serious about never taking the chance of harming you again, do WHATEVER he needed to do to reduce his risk of relapse to as close to zero as possible. There are never any guarantees. I include myself. I think my sobriety is pretty rock-solid, and I have a firm intention never to drink again, but I don't take any chances--play with fire--by getting high.
I have only what you've told us to go on. But you don't talk about him as someone who had a single bad drug experience, you talk about him as an addict in recovery. And addicts have a tendency to relapse. And he doesn't strike me as taking this as seriously as he should, given the horrible things that happened when he was under the influence.
I still don't believe, based on my training and experience with violence, that the only thing going on with him was the drinking and drugs. They don't CAUSE violent behavior (with the exception of a few drugs like PCP, which you've never mentioned).
So no matter how many wonderful qualities you see in him, I don't see that he is an especially good risk for not repeating what happened.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong. But I'm not just making this up out of thin air, either.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
One of the things I've observed, alicia, is that you are very definite in your beliefs about addiction and recovery. That's fine, that you've done a lot of reading on the subject. I can't help but wonder sometimes, though, how much of your beliefs are based on the fact that your husband is utterly resistant to any kind of twelve-step program, and this is what you feel you HAVE to convince yourself will keep him clean/sober. As I've said repeatedly, AA doesn't have a corner on recovery. I know plenty of people who have achieved solid sobriety without it. But it's very hard for me or, I suspect, most of the people here to gauge whether he's looking/sounding/acting like a person who's really embraced recovery. For example, his continued social drinking. I don't know of any recovery experts who advocate an addict's or alcoholic's continuing to use any recreational drugs. So that makes me question his commitment to sobriety. EVEN KNOWING HOW HORRIBLY HE TREATED YOU, he's still willing to roll the dice that way.
It seems to me that someone who treated his loved one as shamefully as he treated you would, if he is serious about never taking the chance of harming you again, do WHATEVER he needed to do to reduce his risk of relapse to as close to zero as possible. There are never any guarantees. I include myself. I think my sobriety is pretty rock-solid, and I have a firm intention never to drink again, but I don't take any chances--play with fire--by getting high.
I have only what you've told us to go on. But you don't talk about him as someone who had a single bad drug experience, you talk about him as an addict in recovery. And addicts have a tendency to relapse. And he doesn't strike me as taking this as seriously as he should, given the horrible things that happened when he was under the influence.
I still don't believe, based on my training and experience with violence, that the only thing going on with him was the drinking and drugs. They don't CAUSE violent behavior (with the exception of a few drugs like PCP, which you've never mentioned).
So no matter how many wonderful qualities you see in him, I don't see that he is an especially good risk for not repeating what happened.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong. But I'm not just making this up out of thin air, either.
It seems to me that someone who treated his loved one as shamefully as he treated you would, if he is serious about never taking the chance of harming you again, do WHATEVER he needed to do to reduce his risk of relapse to as close to zero as possible. There are never any guarantees. I include myself. I think my sobriety is pretty rock-solid, and I have a firm intention never to drink again, but I don't take any chances--play with fire--by getting high.
I have only what you've told us to go on. But you don't talk about him as someone who had a single bad drug experience, you talk about him as an addict in recovery. And addicts have a tendency to relapse. And he doesn't strike me as taking this as seriously as he should, given the horrible things that happened when he was under the influence.
I still don't believe, based on my training and experience with violence, that the only thing going on with him was the drinking and drugs. They don't CAUSE violent behavior (with the exception of a few drugs like PCP, which you've never mentioned).
So no matter how many wonderful qualities you see in him, I don't see that he is an especially good risk for not repeating what happened.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong. But I'm not just making this up out of thin air, either.
But I think you are mixing up a couple things. The idea of complete abstinence from all substances is just one component of the 12 step program. I dont mind that idea, and didnt mean to give anyone that impression.
I wouldnt stay with my husband if he thought it was ok for him to dabble in drugs. It was cocaine, and it always leads to disaster for him. But his issues are 2 substances because alcohol became a problem when he was using drugs.
I didnt mean to say he was out drinking socially on a regular basis. But I did say in the past he wasnt sure he had an addiction to alcohol and was working on it with his therapist. He had drank a few times when we were out to dinner as in a glass, not in excess.
I do understand your point. I have not made a boundary about not being with him if he chooses to drink. I guess I am more open to letting him work on this part on his own because I dont really know how risky it is for him. I do have recent evidence showing that he did not relapse on drugs, or drink at all during the recent issue of our baby, and last years affair coming to light. He fell apart emotionally, was in tears, and focused pure hate on himself. But he didnt run off and get drunk or pick up drugs. My dad said the time we were apart he never saw him drinking or appearing high. Instead he saw a dr and called up his old therapist back home for help.
I dont know exactly what to make of it all, but to me it appears to be someone who has awareness and has gained some solid skills through the work he has been doing this past year.
And yes, I think you are exactly right about some of his behavior when using. the aggression, violence. But its what Ive been trying to say. my main concern is the underlying issues. When something flares up the negative feelings inside him, then he has a pattern of blocking it with substances. How well will therapy and the tools work for him is one question when judging future risk.
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What kinds of thoughts do you have that make you question if the relationship is worth it?
1) If I had to constantly apologize to the other party for being myself. (ex. I wasn't smart enough, glamorous enough, hip enough)
2) If I felt ashamed for loving the other person.
3) If the other person didn't respect the boundaries I set up for myself
4) If I was burying major parts of my personality to save the relationship.
Even if there wasn't addiction involved, if I saw anything in my list of four in a current relationship, I would be hard pressed to continue it. Of course you're married and you have a baby together, and only you can determine how willing you are to be looking over your shoulder.
Your husband is living with your brother right now. If it were up to me, I would want to make sure he could live independently before he came back to you. And that means eventually moving out of your brother's house. Will he be strong enough to roll with the punches without your family's support? I don't know. Time will tell. But if he isn't strong enough to stand on his own two feet, then you can't expect him be the reliable husband and father you want him to be.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
In the varied relationships I had with men, in the friendships I had with women, these ended up being my deal breakers.
1) If I had to constantly apologize to the other party for being myself. (ex. I wasn't smart enough, glamorous enough, hip enough)
2) If I felt ashamed for loving the other person.
3) If the other person didn't respect the boundaries I set up for myself
4) If I was burying major parts of my personality to save the relationship.
1) If I had to constantly apologize to the other party for being myself. (ex. I wasn't smart enough, glamorous enough, hip enough)
2) If I felt ashamed for loving the other person.
3) If the other person didn't respect the boundaries I set up for myself
4) If I was burying major parts of my personality to save the relationship.
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