theredandblack

Hello. I went on the internet looking for help and found this website. I'm getting a little desperate, and was hoping someone here might be able to help me.
I am dating a person who had a nasty addiction to alcohol and cocaine. It was a difficult period before he finally stopped lying and got sober, but he has been attending AA meetings for over a year and seems to be doing well.
The damage to our relationship has been done, and I was trying to give him space to work on sobriety, but now after a year I'm feeling very alone as it doesn't feel he's put similar energy into fixing our relationship as he has the program.
He doesn't seem to be serious about making amends, and the boyfriend I had who made selfish decisions when he was an addict seems to be a rather sober version of the same person. He's still very good at making me feel I'm being unreasonable when I ask for simple things.
I'm frustrated. I'm feeling terrifically alone. I no longer trust my own judgement. I'm wondering if any other spouses of addicts had similar experiences and could offer insight.

honeypig

Hi, thered--glad you found us here at SR.

Forgive me for being blunt, but the first thing I wonder is what is keeping you in this relationship? If he was in active addiction when you met, which of course is unacceptable, and now he is sober but still isn't someone you like, you don't need anyone's permission or blessing to end the relationship and find someone you DO like.

There is a saying--"what do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief." It sounds like your BF was not much to your liking when he was in active addiction, and now that he is sober, he is still not the person you want.

This is sufficient reason for you to end it. You are unhappy. There is nothing more needed. The only reason to "question your judgement", in my opinion, is to ask why you are still with someone who is NOT what or who you want, waiting for them to change to be the person you DO want.

Please do read around the forum. Make sure to check the stickies at the top of the page. It's always a good idea to educate yourself when the opportunity arises, and you will likely find stories that resonate w/you. But truly, I think you'll get more benefit from questioning your own motives in continuing this relationship than in analyzing him and wondering if there is some way he can be changed into the person you want him to be...

theredandblack

Thanks for the reply.

I love the guy. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. He has supported me through mental health issues and difficult work situations when I really felt like I didn't have anybody else.

I feel really really stupid writing this out, but I was hoping against hope that with sobriety would come some insight. I was hoping he'd cut loose the drug dealing friends that have remained on the periphery. I was hoping he would appreciate the support I gave him to get sober.

It hasn't worked out like that. He's implied a few times that his sobriety should be enough to make amends and improve our relationship.
I'm still hurting. I'm destroyed.

Ariesagain

How long have you known him?

theredandblack

Almost 5 years, Aries.

suzyontour

[QUOTE=theredandblack;6455672][LEFT][

I feel really really stupid writing this out, but I was hoping against hope that with sobriety would come some insight. I was hoping he'd cut loose the drug dealing friends that have remained on the periphery.

Hi there and welcome

I have an AH husband who uses cocaine and I'm recovering addict myself. Does he have a sponsor and attend meetings? Just that if he has I'm surprised he hasn't cut loose from his old drug friends. I know my recovery naturally took that route as did others I know.

Unfortunately some people are selfish with or without drugs. He sounds as though he has been supportive of you and your stuff. You said you thought he'd be grateful
Of how you supported him? He supported you too. Maybe he can't give you the love and Itimacy you need? Maybe it's time to move on?

I know my AH cannot give me what I need whether that's because he's alcoholic or not is irrelevant in some ways. As we detach from them we get a clear view of our own needs which is healthy.

I hope you keep coming back and sharing
Take care xxx

teatreeoil007

I don't think it's a good sign he has kept his drug dealing friends on the periphery.

theredandblack

I want to sincerely thank everyone for taking the time to respond here.

The drug dealers have been a point of contention our entire relationship. They don't come around much, but it's mainly because they're afraid of me. He seems to have this idea that he can remain friends with these people and stay sober.
They haven't ever had much nice to say about me, and he never demands that they be respectful of me.
I'm confused because he does have a sponsor and goes to meetings (several per week) and the sponsor said it's all in his intent. Meaning, he has explained, that if he approaches his friendships with proper intent then he can keep being friends with these people.
These seems to go against logic for me. It also makes me feel horrible that he maintains friendships with these people who have never shown me much respect. My self esteem is pretty low honestly. He gets so angry when I broach the subject (before, when he was an addict, but also now, in recovery) that at the end I'm questioning if I really am the problem. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing it.
I left the area recently to go on vacation and the entire time I was gone he was reconnecting with these people.

Does this sound like something a typical sponsor would recommend?

Ariesagain

I'm on the drinking side of the spectrum and have nearly 500 days sober...but I for sure wouldn't be palling around with the guys who run the liquor store.

Drug dealers always are a pocket reach away from providing a supply. Not to mention they're not known for their productive, peaceful, law-abiding recreational pursuits.

Even if he's not using, the relapse is a single sentence away. Why go there?

I think his sponsor is misguided, at best.

dandylion

thereandblack......this sounds like something a sponsor would say if ...they have lost their mind! IF, the sponsor even did say that.....
I think it is most likely that this is not what the sponsor actually said...and, that your boyfriend heard what he wanted to hear.....
Always keep in mind that addicts or alcoholics are not the most accurate reporter of facts.....

LexieCat

Whether his sponsor said it or not, you don't feel comfortable around it, and he's not a satisfactory partner for you. You don't have to hate someone to break up with him. I've left people because I was afraid that I eventually WOULD hate them, and I didn't want to experience that.

It's perfectly possible even to love someone and realize he's not a suitable life partner. I totally get that you feel you've invested a lot in the relationship and in his recovery, but there comes a point where, if the relationship is not a good one--one that meets your needs--you cut your losses and move on. You don't "owe" him your life because he supported you when you needed it. You've supported him in his recovery, right? So you've repaid the debt.

Glad you're here, stick around. This is a great place for support.

honeypig

Let me also mention this: XAH pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years. FOUR YEARS. So it is entirely possible that your A is 1) not even going or 2) going but not doing any of the work, giving lip service to both the program and you. And dandy is absolutely correct, just b/c an A says his sponsor/doctor/therapist said this or that does NOT mean you are hearing an accurate version of what was really said.

AA will only work to the extent that the alcoholic works the program. Simply going to meetings is not enough; there needs to be effort on the part of the A. Sitting in a meeting will not put an A into real recovery any more than sitting in the garage will turn him into a car.

If you were the problem, you could also be the solution, right? And has anything you've done so far worked? No? So I'm guessing that you are NOT the problem, my friend...

theredandblack

Thank you all again for your insights.

I'm trying to force my thoughts into coherent sentences with clarity.
I realize he may be twisting what the sponsor is actually saying. I have a hard time with crowds so I haven't gone to the open meetings or the meet ups that his sponsor puts on outside of meetings.
The frustrating thing for me is that, it seems like he actually is working the program. He puts a lot of time in and seems self motivated. He just doesn't seem to pay much other than lip service to fixing things, really fixing things, with me.

There have also been boundary issues with other women during our relationship. There was one woman in particular, another addict and his roommate, who caused me an awful lot of grief when we first started dating. It was a lot of stress and left me feeling really insecure and bad. I still feel insecure and bad.
Now this woman's friends are looking to have an intervention for her and have asked him to help.
I explained that he had what I consider to be an emotional affair with this woman... and it's an inappropriate request.
I know AA places a lot of emphasis on helping people once you are working the steps. It's really important to share what you have. I understand the importance of this but I don't feel like I can take him maintaining any sort of relationship with this person at all. I'm really tapped out emotionally and I just don't feel like I can take much more.
We have been warring over the issue. According to him, the sponsor said he has to help people.
I have asked friends of mine who were in the program who explained that AA understands that there are some cases where you can't always help an addict.
He is insisting that he will not set a boundary with this woman because of the program. He will not discuss the pain this is causing me. He says he takes me into consideration and won't be part of the intervention but will not set a boundary against helping her in the future.

Does AA have clear expectations about when and the extent of what one addict is expected to do to help another?

Maudcat

Hi, theredandblack. Welcome to SR. Lots of support here.
I'm sorry that you are having a tough time with your SO.
Some wise person on this site once said that addicts can clean up their acts and live a life of sobriety, but that doesn't necessarily make them good relationship material.
It sounds as though, at this point in your SO's life, you, your feelings, and the relationship are not his priority.
That he remains in contact with drug dealing and addict friends is worrisome to me. The first thing an addict hears from his/her group or sponsor is "People, places, things."
Living a life of recovery often means making major life changes so as to avoid relapsing.
What kind of support do you have? Al-Anon or Nar-Anon can be helpful when we are seeking clarity and serenity.

Ariesagain

It's interesting that what his sponsor supposedly says always backs up exactly what he wants to do and it's always in direct opposition to what you want.

Sketchy.

theredandblack

Aries, I have noticed that. Part of me wants to find the sponsor and ask what the real deal is. A bigger part of me feels like I shouldn't have to do that.

Maud, I don't really have a support system. I avoid telling friends and family what's happening now because I really would like to have a healthy relationship with him and I don't want to prime all the close people in my life to dislike him.
There is Al-Anon in my city but I have a lot of difficulty with crowds and it's tough for me to be in a public setting like that. I tried to find some Al-Anon materials online and didn't find them very helpful.
So the isolation on this issue is getting to me. I feel really alone and I don't really know who to go to... it's nice for a little validation that I'm not nuts.

hearthealth

It's hard when you want to believe in them so much but they continually show you that it's not about you it's about them. In a healthy relationship your concerns, needs, fears and happiness would be just as important.
I am seeing that my sober (or drunk husband) is someone that I wouldn't be interested in if I just met him ( but knew all I already know.)

LexieCat

There are a couple of VERY good reasons for you to go to Al-Anon. First, you will find people there who have been around recovery and whose partners are in AA--that will give you some perspective on the recovery process right there.

AA does not do "interventions"--12th-step work (working with another alcoholic/addict) is ALWAYS (except in the LGBTQ community) encouraged to be undertaken ONLY by those of the same sex as the person being helped. There are rare exceptions I know of that have worked out OK (mostly from back in the days when there were few women in AA).

The point is, though, it's HIS program. If you are uncomfortable with it, I think it's fine for you to share your feelings and, ultimately, respond in the way you think best. If you don't trust him, then maybe there's a good reason for that. But I wouldn't go calling his sponsor--that's a little too much interference in that relationship, I think. There are "bad sponsors" but it isn't your place to decide whether his is good for him or not. You get to decide, though, what you will or won't put up with.

You won't be put on the spot at an Al-Anon meeting. You don't have to share at all unless and until you're comfortable. Plenty of people simply listen, and if they are going around the room or something, you just say, "Thanks, I'm just here to listen today," and pass to the next person.

I think once you've been to a meeting or two, you will find they are not the least bit scary. It's only the fear of the unknown. You can talk to people individually before or after the meeting, too. People in Al-Anon know how hard it is to be dealing with all of this, and how it feels to be new. You will find it to be very low-stress and no pressure.

dandylion

How many people do you consider a "crowd"?

theredandblack

Without going into my mental health issues too much, I can be a little agoraphobic. It really doesn't have to be many people at all.

And thank you for your insights, Lexie. I don't want to interfere in his program. If he's sober and it's working for him, I don't want him to die. I've been trying to give him space and let him work his program - it seems to be helping with his personal issues.
I tried to put the relationship issues on the back burner until he was a little more stable.
That said, a lot of what everyone is saying is ringing painfully true for me.