Girlfriend of an addict, looking for advice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, again, glad you are here.
Whether you attend Al-Anon meetings or not, you should have a source of support. Right now you seem isolated, and that isn't helpful.
If you want to make SR one of your support scaffolds, that's fine. No one here judges. Many of us, including me, have struggled with alcohol dependency, and/or have family members and spouses or significant others who struggle as well.
I know well where you are coming from.
One last thing: I understand that you don't want your family or friends to see your SO differently, hence your reluctance to talk to them.
But...addiction thrives and grows large in secrecy. When we minimize, or try to shield, or make excuses for the addict, we give the addiction power.
I know that you believe your man is in recovery, and I hope he is. There are a couple of things: the offhand way he treats you at times, and that he is still friendly with unhealthy companions, that raise red flags.
Recovery looks like recovery.
This could just be the way he is, and he is showing you that.
Is that what you want?
Peace.
Whether you attend Al-Anon meetings or not, you should have a source of support. Right now you seem isolated, and that isn't helpful.
If you want to make SR one of your support scaffolds, that's fine. No one here judges. Many of us, including me, have struggled with alcohol dependency, and/or have family members and spouses or significant others who struggle as well.
I know well where you are coming from.
One last thing: I understand that you don't want your family or friends to see your SO differently, hence your reluctance to talk to them.
But...addiction thrives and grows large in secrecy. When we minimize, or try to shield, or make excuses for the addict, we give the addiction power.
I know that you believe your man is in recovery, and I hope he is. There are a couple of things: the offhand way he treats you at times, and that he is still friendly with unhealthy companions, that raise red flags.
Recovery looks like recovery.
This could just be the way he is, and he is showing you that.
Is that what you want?
Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Thereandblack.....Maudcat is right about the secrecy. In attempting to protect the alcoholic....the partner, quite often, constructs a prison for themselves. a prison of isolation.
This sort of isolation is very common for those who come to this forum....there are many thousands of others here, by the way....you can read all of their stories...
It is not possible to live with an alcoholic without it doing a job on the emotional health of the partner....because the disease destroys relationships....It takes down the alcoholic (or addict)...and, the loved ones, eventually, go tumbling after...
As a matter of fact, living in any dysfunctional relationship, after a while, takes a toll....
Humans are social animals, at baseline....and, don't do well in isolation...
That is one reason that isolation is one way that they torture prisoners....
How you feel, now...your situation....none of it is your destiny....
I am just saying....
This sort of isolation is very common for those who come to this forum....there are many thousands of others here, by the way....you can read all of their stories...
It is not possible to live with an alcoholic without it doing a job on the emotional health of the partner....because the disease destroys relationships....It takes down the alcoholic (or addict)...and, the loved ones, eventually, go tumbling after...
As a matter of fact, living in any dysfunctional relationship, after a while, takes a toll....
Humans are social animals, at baseline....and, don't do well in isolation...
That is one reason that isolation is one way that they torture prisoners....
How you feel, now...your situation....none of it is your destiny....
I am just saying....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
thered, I was reading from my folder of items I've saved from SR over the years and found this post that I think may resonate w/you the way it resonated w/me. Here it is:
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
For a number of years, I believed XAH to be sober--he attended AA meetings, never drank in front of me, etc.--but I struggled inwardly b/c I still wasn't happy. Like you, I felt I owed him for supporting me during some tough times, so I do get that. I felt guilty, I felt too demanding, I felt wrong.
As it turned out, the whole recovery thing was fake--he just kept taking his deception up one more notch whenever needed, and he was really good at it. Plus I wanted to believe he was doing the work b/c then I wouldn't have to. Not doing my own work was a huge mistake on my part, could have saved myself years of pain and dishonesty, but I did what I did.
You also might want to look at this post, as it addresses a similar topic and shows just how much we are willing to lower the bar in order to keep the status quo, to NOT have to change, to NOT have to do our own hard work:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-re-post.html
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
For a number of years, I believed XAH to be sober--he attended AA meetings, never drank in front of me, etc.--but I struggled inwardly b/c I still wasn't happy. Like you, I felt I owed him for supporting me during some tough times, so I do get that. I felt guilty, I felt too demanding, I felt wrong.
As it turned out, the whole recovery thing was fake--he just kept taking his deception up one more notch whenever needed, and he was really good at it. Plus I wanted to believe he was doing the work b/c then I wouldn't have to. Not doing my own work was a huge mistake on my part, could have saved myself years of pain and dishonesty, but I did what I did.
You also might want to look at this post, as it addresses a similar topic and shows just how much we are willing to lower the bar in order to keep the status quo, to NOT have to change, to NOT have to do our own hard work:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-re-post.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Just wanting to clarify--the quoted post above is NOT my own wisdom; it is that of another member. I can't properly attribute it b/c I saved only the post, not the name of the member who posted it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you very much again for your responses.
I'm feeling more clear about things.
Honey, you hit the nail on the head with emotional maturity. I think that's what I was hoping for and expecting, really. I think I associated the negative aspects of his character and his selfishness toward relationships as being related to the drug and alcohol abuse. To an extent it was, but I'm starting to realize this might just be who he is.
It felt so wrong so say or even think things like that when he was working on sobriety, like I'm looking for negative things when he's trying to better himself. But there's been sufficient time now... I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
I'm really appreciative of everyone who has taken the time to share with me. Thank you.
I'm feeling more clear about things.
Honey, you hit the nail on the head with emotional maturity. I think that's what I was hoping for and expecting, really. I think I associated the negative aspects of his character and his selfishness toward relationships as being related to the drug and alcohol abuse. To an extent it was, but I'm starting to realize this might just be who he is.
It felt so wrong so say or even think things like that when he was working on sobriety, like I'm looking for negative things when he's trying to better himself. But there's been sufficient time now... I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
I'm really appreciative of everyone who has taken the time to share with me. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's a sad thing to realize, that your hopes and plans are not going to work out the way you wanted them to. It sounds like you are beginning to accept that this may indeed be the case, and I'm sorry you're going through that. However, it also sounds like you've gained some clarity just in the time you've spent here at SR, and I'm very happy that you're able to keep an open mind, consider what's being said and take it to heart if it applies.
Wishing you strength and clarity that increase a bit each day, thered.
Wishing you strength and clarity that increase a bit each day, thered.
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