And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I can't drink "normally".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Seymour, CT
Posts: 132
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I can't drink "normally".
I signed up on this site a few years back after a really bad new years complete with messing myself in the middle of the night, crying in my own vomit filled bathtub, and telling my boyfriend I wanted to die.
It was good going for a bit, but I really never viewed myself as an alcoholic. A binge drinker - absolutely - but not an alcoholic. I always said I could be one of those people who could moderate what they drank. Find that nice balance and be just like the rest of the world. Obviously - and I'm only just figuring this out - I was wrong. I really can't moderate my drinking. I can't just have one. I can't use the internet's advise when I google, "How do I cut back on drinking?" and they tell me I should drink a non-alcoholic beverage in between the alcoholic ones. Where is the fun in that? Heh. One would think the first hint to my having a problem was having to google that question in the first place.
So - I guess I'm here to write down the reasons why I believe I am an alcoholic and I simply cannot drink "normally".
1) I sneak alcohol. My most recent stint was drinking a glass of wine in a coffee cup on Friday at work.. just because it was Friday and I felt like it. I sneak swigs of the hard stuff when at home with my boyfriend just to get myself more ****** up without drawing attention to it.
2) When at a party and I see people alternating drinks, or not drinking at all, it makes me mad. It makes me mad, I think, because if they're drinking.. I should be drinking right? It gives me the excuse to have another when everyone else is.
3) I. Can. Not. Stop. I drink to get drunk, period.
4) I get blackout drunk once every 2 months maybe. Parts of my life go missing.. like on Saturday when I made chicken nuggets on the stove and I don't remember eating them at all.
5) My boyfriend expresses his concern for me. He doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He just wants me to stop drinking so much.
6) Hangovers are still very prevalent in my life. If I'm drinking on a Friday or Saturday, you can bet I'm hungover on Sunday. More often than not it's a manageable hangover, but I've still got the dry mouth, shakes, and complete mental/physical exhaustion.
7) Alcohol is slowly creeping in on things that I enjoy doing where alcohol isn't something that is needed (I mean - is it really ever?) One of my latest favs is going to see a movie and bringing the small bottles of alcohol with me.
8) In recent weeks, instead of buying the big bottle of wine, I buy a smaller bottle because I know I'm going to finish the bottle no matter what size. At least I can somewhat regulate when I have the smaller bottle. Though, this isn't exactly better for me when I'm finishing the bottle and then switching to whatever beer we have in the fridge, and then off to the whiskey's that we have. I am an alcoholic. It doesn't matter what size I buy because I will drink whatever else we have.
9) There have been times where I brush my teeth after drinking heavily to prepare to go to sleep and just about always, I will still grab swigs from the bottle even though my teeth are freshly brushed for bed.
I've been in this place before, though. Saturday night I got completely drunk and almost fought with my boyfriend when he wanted me to stop drinking. I spent Sunday hungover (though I did make an appearance at a bar for a friend's birthday where I did have a mimosa.) I feel absolutely drained and when my alarm went off this morning I shut it off and called out sick from work, needing a few more hours of shut eye. Of course, I woke up feeling decently well rested, but that good old friend of mine, Mr. Guilt has been hanging around for the day. I feel guilty that I make my boyfriend worry for me while I'm getting sick in the middle of the night. I feel bad that I'm so irresponsible that I tend to call out of work the Monday after a big binge. The guilt drives me to do research. Read up on the forums, post, listen to podcasts, start mass following other alcoholics/sobriety handles on Instagram. Then like clockwork - I go to work the following day and no one is mad at me for calling out. My boyfriend hugs and kisses me. My friends invite me to hang out again. And all is right in the world.. until the next binge that I have where the cycle repeats itself.
If you made it this far - thank you for listening. I apologize for the lengthiness of this post. I just needed somewhere to be.
It was good going for a bit, but I really never viewed myself as an alcoholic. A binge drinker - absolutely - but not an alcoholic. I always said I could be one of those people who could moderate what they drank. Find that nice balance and be just like the rest of the world. Obviously - and I'm only just figuring this out - I was wrong. I really can't moderate my drinking. I can't just have one. I can't use the internet's advise when I google, "How do I cut back on drinking?" and they tell me I should drink a non-alcoholic beverage in between the alcoholic ones. Where is the fun in that? Heh. One would think the first hint to my having a problem was having to google that question in the first place.
So - I guess I'm here to write down the reasons why I believe I am an alcoholic and I simply cannot drink "normally".
1) I sneak alcohol. My most recent stint was drinking a glass of wine in a coffee cup on Friday at work.. just because it was Friday and I felt like it. I sneak swigs of the hard stuff when at home with my boyfriend just to get myself more ****** up without drawing attention to it.
2) When at a party and I see people alternating drinks, or not drinking at all, it makes me mad. It makes me mad, I think, because if they're drinking.. I should be drinking right? It gives me the excuse to have another when everyone else is.
3) I. Can. Not. Stop. I drink to get drunk, period.
4) I get blackout drunk once every 2 months maybe. Parts of my life go missing.. like on Saturday when I made chicken nuggets on the stove and I don't remember eating them at all.
5) My boyfriend expresses his concern for me. He doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He just wants me to stop drinking so much.
6) Hangovers are still very prevalent in my life. If I'm drinking on a Friday or Saturday, you can bet I'm hungover on Sunday. More often than not it's a manageable hangover, but I've still got the dry mouth, shakes, and complete mental/physical exhaustion.
7) Alcohol is slowly creeping in on things that I enjoy doing where alcohol isn't something that is needed (I mean - is it really ever?) One of my latest favs is going to see a movie and bringing the small bottles of alcohol with me.
8) In recent weeks, instead of buying the big bottle of wine, I buy a smaller bottle because I know I'm going to finish the bottle no matter what size. At least I can somewhat regulate when I have the smaller bottle. Though, this isn't exactly better for me when I'm finishing the bottle and then switching to whatever beer we have in the fridge, and then off to the whiskey's that we have. I am an alcoholic. It doesn't matter what size I buy because I will drink whatever else we have.
9) There have been times where I brush my teeth after drinking heavily to prepare to go to sleep and just about always, I will still grab swigs from the bottle even though my teeth are freshly brushed for bed.
I've been in this place before, though. Saturday night I got completely drunk and almost fought with my boyfriend when he wanted me to stop drinking. I spent Sunday hungover (though I did make an appearance at a bar for a friend's birthday where I did have a mimosa.) I feel absolutely drained and when my alarm went off this morning I shut it off and called out sick from work, needing a few more hours of shut eye. Of course, I woke up feeling decently well rested, but that good old friend of mine, Mr. Guilt has been hanging around for the day. I feel guilty that I make my boyfriend worry for me while I'm getting sick in the middle of the night. I feel bad that I'm so irresponsible that I tend to call out of work the Monday after a big binge. The guilt drives me to do research. Read up on the forums, post, listen to podcasts, start mass following other alcoholics/sobriety handles on Instagram. Then like clockwork - I go to work the following day and no one is mad at me for calling out. My boyfriend hugs and kisses me. My friends invite me to hang out again. And all is right in the world.. until the next binge that I have where the cycle repeats itself.
If you made it this far - thank you for listening. I apologize for the lengthiness of this post. I just needed somewhere to be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Welcome! I'm pretty sure I wrote that post because I can identify with every single thing you said. I can promise you that the guilt you are carrying will start to lift once you stop drinking and only then will you realize what a burden it has been for you. I hope you stay here and keep posting. You are very articulate and you know what you need to do.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Nikka, sorry to hear you've been having a hard time of it. Making a list is a great idea I think, what are your thoughts after reading back through it? To me it screams alcoholism to he nth degree, but what's most important is how you perceive it. Are you still unsure if you need to quit drinking and asking us our opinions, or are you putting your foot down today?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Thank you for posting this - I relate to every single thing on your list!! I've done all of the above and then some. I too was in denial about it for so long... I was sure it was something I could control. An alcoholic is the homeless man on the corner with a paper bag, not me!!!
There were times I could control it, but my case proves how progressive this illness is.
I got worse and worse until.no activity appealed to me without a few drinks. And a few means trashed, of course. I learned so much about it in AA meetings, which I finally conceded to go to. It gets worse before it gets better if you keep drinking. The only solution for us is to not drink at all... I've proven that a million times over.
I often use this kind of funny comparison to describe it: I would never dream of going to someone's house for a party and say, eating all the food in the fridge or sneak eating their expensive cheese. But you better believe after one drink I will be finding ways to drink ALL their booze, regardless of what it is and whether or not I even like it.
Glad you're here
hope to see more posts from you!!
There were times I could control it, but my case proves how progressive this illness is.
I got worse and worse until.no activity appealed to me without a few drinks. And a few means trashed, of course. I learned so much about it in AA meetings, which I finally conceded to go to. It gets worse before it gets better if you keep drinking. The only solution for us is to not drink at all... I've proven that a million times over.
I often use this kind of funny comparison to describe it: I would never dream of going to someone's house for a party and say, eating all the food in the fridge or sneak eating their expensive cheese. But you better believe after one drink I will be finding ways to drink ALL their booze, regardless of what it is and whether or not I even like it.
Glad you're here
hope to see more posts from you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Seymour, CT
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Welcome back Nikka, sorry to hear you've been having a hard time of it. Making a list is a great idea I think, what are your thoughts after reading back through it? To me it screams alcoholism to he nth degree, but what's most important is how you perceive it. Are you still unsure if you need to quit drinking and asking us our opinions, or are you putting your foot down today?
Last edited by Nikkabean326; 04-24-2017 at 01:37 PM. Reason: Wanted to quote a comment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Well Nikka, you know Mr. Guilt is sure to return en force if you drink again. The first few days are hard. The anxiety goes away, you feel physically better, and our AV and selective memory take over. It wasn't THAT bad... Even though it was, and will get worse!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Hey Nikka! Welcome to SR!
Good for you in taking steps to change your life. SR is a great place, filled with lots of info and the people here ROCK!
You should keep what you posted here in a safe place. Go back and read it whenever you hit a rough patch in your sobriety.
You can do this girl! I look forward to reading your successes!
Good for you in taking steps to change your life. SR is a great place, filled with lots of info and the people here ROCK!
You should keep what you posted here in a safe place. Go back and read it whenever you hit a rough patch in your sobriety.
You can do this girl! I look forward to reading your successes!
Sorry, I didn't read all the responses (including yours) when I posted.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 153
I could not write this better myself minus spirits !! Im 2 weeks 2 days free and feel amazing
I had no dreaded feeling sunday/today 'what did i do at the weekend' Mr Guilt sucks he popped up a few times a week for me i couldnt look at my phone the next day either 😢
Welcome Nik join us on our journey
Hugs x
I had no dreaded feeling sunday/today 'what did i do at the weekend' Mr Guilt sucks he popped up a few times a week for me i couldnt look at my phone the next day either 😢
Welcome Nik join us on our journey
Hugs x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Femaleboss1980
I could not write this better myself minus spirits !! Im 2 weeks 2 days free and feel amazing
I had no dreaded feeling sunday/today 'what did i do at the weekend' Mr Guilt sucks he popped up a few times a week for me i couldnt look at my phone the next day either 😢
Welcome Nik join us on our journey
Hugs x
I had no dreaded feeling sunday/today 'what did i do at the weekend' Mr Guilt sucks he popped up a few times a week for me i couldnt look at my phone the next day either 😢
Welcome Nik join us on our journey
Hugs x
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Welcome back Nikka, sorry to hear you've been having a hard time of it. Making a list is a great idea I think, what are your thoughts after reading back through it? To me it screams alcoholism to he nth degree, but what's most important is how you perceive it. Are you still unsure if you need to quit drinking and asking us our opinions, or are you putting your foot down toWelday?
As I often do, I concur with Scott. This is another chance- possibly your last (I too see lots of serious stuff in your post and relate- and it took me nearly dying to stop drinking) - and you CAN take it.
How about a meeting? Just not drinking TODAY is how I started.
Hope to see you around.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 153
Originally Posted by CreativeThinker
In Nikki's case, Mr Guilt is the good guy
Made my life a misery after many benders
I prefer waking up fresh guilt free
Hooe you are well x
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
That's a great opening post Nikki. I mentally ticked all the boxes as I read through. I was a chronic binge drinker whose weekends began on Wednesday and ended on Monday... It really did get worse and worse as the illness developed.
You mention that you have tried to cut back. I don't know how much sobriety you have achieved in the past but I'm around 100 days sober and feel so much physically and mentally better. The obsession with drinking has simply evaporated, which I find astonishing.
Coming to the realization that you simply cannot moderate and that you cannot have a "normal" relationship with alcohol is the most powerful tool you have in starting your new life. Like many people here, I wasted years/ decades trying to "reset" my alcoholism and moderate. It doesn't work.
My advice is to stop now. I haven't met anyone on SR who wishes they had quit later and hundreds of people who wasted years of their lives trying to moderate.
Good luck. I really did enjoy your post (if "enjoy" is the right word).
You mention that you have tried to cut back. I don't know how much sobriety you have achieved in the past but I'm around 100 days sober and feel so much physically and mentally better. The obsession with drinking has simply evaporated, which I find astonishing.
Coming to the realization that you simply cannot moderate and that you cannot have a "normal" relationship with alcohol is the most powerful tool you have in starting your new life. Like many people here, I wasted years/ decades trying to "reset" my alcoholism and moderate. It doesn't work.
My advice is to stop now. I haven't met anyone on SR who wishes they had quit later and hundreds of people who wasted years of their lives trying to moderate.
Good luck. I really did enjoy your post (if "enjoy" is the right word).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I became slightly nauseous when I read your post. It was a vivid reminder of why I can't drink alcohol. You know? Life is hard enough but I spend so much LESS energy living it sober than I did while drinking. Because there was always an angle - "how am I going to get alcohol? How am I going to be able to drink alcohol at this event without people knowing? What the heck am I going to do if I RUN OUT?!!! What's open at what time on Sunday so I can go out and buy more?" It's so exhausting. So exhausting, that I neglect everything else in my life because I'm spending all my time scheming to make sure I can get drunk.
When I first started to quit, I certainly felt cheated out of what I'd be missing by not drinking. Romanticizing the bottle. Summer drinks on the porch or the patio. (Usually ended with me passed out in a sodden blob on the porch) A nice red wine while sitting inside, reading, on a cold winter day. Passed out. Don't remember half of what I read. A nice glass of chardonnay while cooking? Sliced the side of my left index finger off and now have nerve damage there. The drinking reality does not equal the fantasy.
On Sunday I went to a show, my mother in law insisting on VIP tickets. In the VIP tent there was a lovely buffet of food and an open bar. I watched the drinkers. Sitting under a circus type tent on little sofas and at bistro tables. Ah, how romantic in the fantasy sense of the word. For a brief second I fancied a glass but there's nothing in the world worse than that disgusting feeling of coming off a one glass buzz on a sunny warm day and wanting nothing more than to get really wasted. Come on? What's the point of one? That's when I knew I was an alcoholic.
You can do this Nothing we can say will convince you. I had to look hard inside myself to know. Keep coming back.
When I first started to quit, I certainly felt cheated out of what I'd be missing by not drinking. Romanticizing the bottle. Summer drinks on the porch or the patio. (Usually ended with me passed out in a sodden blob on the porch) A nice red wine while sitting inside, reading, on a cold winter day. Passed out. Don't remember half of what I read. A nice glass of chardonnay while cooking? Sliced the side of my left index finger off and now have nerve damage there. The drinking reality does not equal the fantasy.
On Sunday I went to a show, my mother in law insisting on VIP tickets. In the VIP tent there was a lovely buffet of food and an open bar. I watched the drinkers. Sitting under a circus type tent on little sofas and at bistro tables. Ah, how romantic in the fantasy sense of the word. For a brief second I fancied a glass but there's nothing in the world worse than that disgusting feeling of coming off a one glass buzz on a sunny warm day and wanting nothing more than to get really wasted. Come on? What's the point of one? That's when I knew I was an alcoholic.
You can do this Nothing we can say will convince you. I had to look hard inside myself to know. Keep coming back.
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