taplow

I'm not sure I'm a normal person with an alcohol problem. I do have an alcohol problem certainly, a bad one, but I can see why I've got it. I see why I should have it.
You maybe might want to stop drinking so you can live full, active lives. That doesn't really apply to me. Whereas for most here I'd guess that alcohol brought them down. I think I was always down and alcohol just made it all a little more bearable.
When I was on here last people said that I don't have a special life plan for getting sober. That's true. You know it was like, who do think you are coming on here with no special plan for the future?
I don't think my problem compares with those people. Maybe alcohol is what's kept me going for so long. You might say, oh no you're deluded because of alcohol, but I've had some long sober periods in my life. I don't say anything positive. I just bring you all down. I don't have a plan. If I had a plan, I wouldn't drink like this.
I'm not a deeply flawed person because I drink. I drink because I'm a deeply flawed person.
I know that when I die, and I'm already thinking about how, that when that happens people won't say, oh his problem was alcohol. That will be well down this list.
So what's my plan? There's no plan. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. It's a despairing thing but I don't really care anymore. Or rather I can't be bothered to care. It's like thinking that you're choosing to drink when you're not. I refuse to engage anymore. That's the final thing isn't it?
Don't really expect any answers. I won't understand them anyway. There aren't any that would relate to me. Just started writing while I'm drinking. Why not? You might say, well if you don't care then why should we? Well I don't expect you to.
Good luck. Best wishes for your sobriety.

Poppy79

I think if you didn't care or have some slight glimmer of hope you wouldn't be posting on a recovery website. Food for thought hey?

Lava256

Well, I don't know what to say, taplow.... Why do you think that you are a deeply flawed person? What makes you more flawed than the rest of us here? I know, for example, that alcohol isn't the main problem with me because I started having issues before I had my first drink. That makes me flawed too, if we're using that word. And alcohol, for a while, seemed to make things better, easier to cope. It's just that I've come to realize that in the long term, alcohol makes every situation worse. It completely blocks any chance of you properly working out a solution to a problem and I don't want to live with these 'flaws' forever in my life. Why do you choose to remain flawed, I wonder?

taplow

Why I think I might be more deeply flawed is because I'm viewing all of you as outsiders. So of course you all seem different to me. That's subjective, but that's all I've got. In these depressed moments that's all I'm left with. It's very hard to get out of that way of thinking.

doggonecarl

Not everyone quits. But as long as you post to a recovery forum, people are going to encourage you to try.

taplow

But sometimes it's so hard to fight against yourself. You get so tired of it.

taplow

Just re-reading that Carl. Does that mean, that I'm in the way? Am I wasting your time?

badger257

I think what carl meant was that this is a support forum, and you are here, everyone is going to try to support you. Not wasting anyones time.

taplow

Okay, sorry. I was just thinking that maybe what was meant was that encouragement is obligatory here and shouldn't be wasted on people who can't make up their minds what they want.

Volshen

taplow, everyone is welcome here.

They keep putting up with me lol.

Anna

Taplow, no one is telling you you're wasting our time when you post here.

I recently discovered Glennon Melton Doyle, a recovering alcoholic whose words spoke to me.

MarkTwain

Right.

So don't stop caring.

Stop fighting.

As far as some of your other feelings, I haven't met a man or woman with a drinking problem who DIDN'T feel deeply that they were an outsider and completely different.

We used to call this the "Unique Rabbit" feeling.

I found out, however, that I'm not so different in a lot of ways from that fellow hiding behind the tree over there. I found out I have some outstanding qualities, like you might yourself, I don't know, but I am not, mercifully, a Unique Rabbit!

MarkTwain

Oh, and by the way, just so you know, your messages here in this discussion have helped me quite a bit. And, as I think I mentioned before, I love that profile painting of yours, always like seeing it!

taplow

Hi Mark Twain. Don't quite get the first bit of your post. If you could explain about not stopping caring and stopping fighting.
About what you said about thinking I'm the unique rabbit. I said in a post above how I'm only saying this about myself because I'm being subjective about things. And it's impossible to get out of that depressive subjective way of thinking when I'm like this.
I know I'm no different intrinsically to anyone else really. But the perception creates the reality.

taplow

Just saw your second post. Glad I've helped, don't see how though. Also, It's a painting by Paul Klee.
I feel a bit better from communicating with people.

MarkTwain

Yes, it's in the Guggenheim Museum in New York. You helped me quite a bit because you've reminded me to rediscover the fact that I really admire a lot of Paul Klee's work; I'm a professional artist myself, for real.

Also, I relate to what you are describing about yourself.

So.......what I mean is, when you give up trying to fight (control) drinking, you'll have a chance at quitting.

It's paradoxical.

tomsteve

"I'm not a deeply flawed person because I drink. I drink because I'm a deeply flawed person."

didn't most of us drink for the same reason?

Dee74

I know I did.

For 20 years I thought the solution was to drink, to tolerate the general flawed-ness that was me and my life.

I was the extreme outlier too - noone had a life like mine, or my problems or my history - if they did, they'd drink too...

That made perfect alcoholic sense to me.

It never occurred to me that I might be able to work on myself, and my life, and make both less flawed.

Yeah it is tiring.

I got to a point where I had no choice but to quit - it was either that or die...and imminent death is a lot different to the romantic musings we get after a few pints...

so I 'chose' quit with really no choice at all.

I changed my life, the way I had fun, the way I dealt with problems, the way I dealt with discomfort...

Funny thing was once I stopped fighting and picked a side, even tho staying sober and working on myself and my life was hard work, it was actually easier than having that Jekyll and Hyde struggle everyday.

I hope you keep coming here Taplow - you seem like a smart and thoughtful guy - you deserve a better life and a brighter future

D

taplow

I'm aware that when I've posted while I've been drinking, as I did last night on here, I'm incredibly self pitying, attention seeking and negative, tiresomely so. If there's any explanation, I had drank a fair amount.
Anyway, it's the next morning in the UK. I'm not working today. Maybe this can be Day 1, I'll try and keep busy - the devil makes work etc. I've mowed the lawn and dug the weeds and I'll try and see what else there is to do. I live on my own so there's a mountain of things to attend to that I've left.
Thanks to all the people on here and good luck everybody.

Dee74

I hope you can make today day one.- I hope you got something out of re-reading this thread too

D