taplow

Somewhat depressed I suppose. So many people who seem to cope well are on anti-depressants. I would never take them, maybe I should.
It's Day 4 for me. Haven't been on here for a little while. I think that all I can do is fight inch by inch, and the alternative to that is sliding backwards with it all to do again, running in order to stand still.
Like an excersise in stopping drinking where you will allow yourself to drink, only not yet, I was thinking this morning that I will commit suicide, only not yet. Surprisingly that cheered me up a bit. I can hang on a bit longer, grinding on to delay the sliding back.
There'd be nothing much to lose - well not much. Life is pretty much throwaway stuff. I don't cope well.
The only times I post on here is when I'm sober and join in on the month's sober thread saying briefly what day I'm on. Or I post when I'm completely drunk with some rambling nonsense or other.
I'm sober now so at least I can see how things are and it doesn't look great. Normally that makes me drink to oblivion. But I see that drinking is just the suicide in slow motion. You may not be jumping in front of a train but the intention is the same.
So I'm sober and I'm watching it all, seeing things clearly, trying not to run away. And I'm realising that what I'm doing by not opening a bottle when I'm depressed like this is that I'm facing the beast. This is what keeps us cornered. These miserable thoughts I'm having aren't me but the alcohol monster. This is how it works isn't it? This is what has to be beaten. Drink isn't going to solve this, it's what's creating it.
I think writing this post has helped me. It started off about feeling completely defeated, and as I've written it I've deleted huge chunks of it and as I wrote I felt I've understood something. It's changed from a complete negative to something of a positive.
So, just random stuff. Get through the afternoon, avoid going to the shop for alcohol. Stand up to it. Inch by inch.

WizingUp

Keep up the good fight taplow, we are all here to support you. I noticed when I would go on binges that I would sometimes have some pretty bad thoughts run through my head, I also would get depressed. Whenever I can make it at least 10 days everything starts getting much better. I have now admitted that I can no longer drink, not a drop. I seem to always convince myself that I can a few socially with friends and then back down the rabbit hole I go. Congratulations on Day4!

LoveHateMerlot

Sober Recovery holds me accountable in my own way - reading posts and writing posts have helped me so much this time quitting. Stick to it, one day at a time, and make sure to come here to this community for support when you feel like you are losing the fight. xoxoxo YOU CAN DO IT! We love you!

thomas11

You sound rather low Taplow, and I think many of us have been there. I hope you can find the strength and determination to remain sober. All those people that tell you it gets better aren't lying. They didn't just make it up. Its true. But if we don't give it a serious shot, we'll never know what could have been. Right?

Babescake

There is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants if you need them. I have had major clinical depression since I was 20 back in college (I am 36 now) long before I had a drinking problem. I have been on them ever since and only lowered them when I was pregnant and breastfed, which led to rebound crippling PPD once I stopped BFeeding my now 6 year old. That has led to binge drinking 3 to 4 days a week gradually building up over 5 years. Been depressed since then, but the drinking mitigates the meds. I can't imagine where I would be without them. Probably dead as they have helped me out of the hallows numerous times even while I struggle with sobriety. There is no shame in the anti-depressant game if they work for you.

Anna

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and antidepressants help to level the playing field for me. I would not stop taking them because, if I go back down into the dark hole again, I think it would lead to despair and drinking.

I hope you find some peace in your life.

doggonecarl

Four days is pretty awesome, considering your previous posts.

taplow

Babescake and Anna, no I'm not critical of anti-depressants and certainly not of people who take them. Like a lot of things in my life I've rejected them but without any valid reason.
Despite that I was saying how so many people I've known who cope so well with life take them and see them as essential. It's just something that doesn't occur to me to do. As I say, maybe I should think about it, a chemical change might transform things.
I'm glad that they work for you. Whatever works. Best wishes.

taplow

Sorry, forgive my manners. Thanks for all your positive replies everyone. They're much appreciated.

Nonsensical

Congrats on 4 days, but if you have persistently used alcohol, you aren't yet free from its influence over your mind.

Revisit this thread on day 100. You'll see what I mean.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Dee74

What does your recovery plan look like Taplow?

D

taplow

Hi Dee, thanks. I'm afraid I don't have any kind of plan other than weak resistance when I have a craving for alcohol. Then I give in very easily at the first sign of struggle and like so many here, I use any justification.
So Dee being naive here, when you ask about my plans, what exactly do you mean?

Prinnyruler

It's a really good start!

I think setting small milestones and aiming for them really can help in the early stages.
I am one hour sober, four hours sober, one day sober, three days sober, one week sober etc.

You, like I was/am have become physically addicted to the stuff and its hard to tell your brain it can't have it.
But keep pushing, once the physical cravings wear off things will get easier in terms of a NEED for it

PhoenixJ

Taps- there is lots of stuff in the Stickies on plans and strategies for sobriety. So we do not rely on 'luck' or will power. Informed decision making with support and reinforced action- not just a hope we will magically stop. Doing stuff differently. Seeing a doc, changing behaviours, seeing a counsellor, AA or SMART meetings, diet, exercise, journal ,art, sleep patterns, ?a-depressants, psychologist, SR- anything that works.
Keep posting. Support to you. You are not alone.

August252015

I take several drugs - a regimen- both for alcohol-related and mental care. That's how I think of it - care for myself, brain, heart, emotions, all of it - not to mention sobriety..

Do you have a dr you can go see? Sometimes it takes awhile to come to terms with taking drugs - I went through that acceptance in my college years though I resisted at first- and it can turn out to be the best thing you do after staying sober.

Good luck- please stay around and use SR- and any other support you can even just "try" - to stay sober.

Dee74

I think trying not to drink is probably the default plan for most of us.

The trouble is we tend to rarely change anything else about our lives, and if your life is like mine was it's geared to drinking.

That means a lot of gritted teeth temptation and tension...

eventually you're going to get tired...and BAM. Bad decisions ensue.

This is what I mean by a recovery plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

and here are some solid gold ideas on how to make a great plan tailored to your needs.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

You can do this Taplow

D

taplow

Thanks Dee. Much appreciated. I have to say I don't change anything about my life when I stop. In fact I just become more isolated. It'll take a total life overhaul.
I understand that the wish to drink doesn't come out of nowhere. So many associations that go really deep. For instance my part of England is enjoying some wonderful sunshine today. What does that mean for me? Alcohol. There's so much to unravel.
Carry on trying. If at first you don't succed etc.

Mountainmanbob

Complete Deflation -- the original Step 1
This is a most excellent place in which build a new life based on sobriety.
In my early sobriety I heard my sponsor refer to booze as the "Liquid Devil."
I have kept that thought very close to my heart and in my mind at all times for the past 9 years.

You are on sober tract -- keep it up --

M-Bob

Dee74

One of the the first things I learned is just because part of me thinks it's a great day to drink, I don't have to actually follow that thought.

You'll always find reasons to drink - working against the default cycle is what recovery's all about.

There's no need to 'taper' into this...'I'll drink today and try again tomorrow' kind a deal...you can refuse to drink today

There's some great solid ideas on recovery plans here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D