Seeker21

Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted and since then, I've had a very good conversation with my xabf. We talked a lot about his alcoholism and he was very adamant within that conversation that he knows he's an alcoholic and he's not in denial about that. He said he thinks about AA all of the time, but isn't ready to make that commitment yet. He's sees a therapist weekly and they are starting to get into some of his childhood stuff now. He has been making progress for himself in a lot of areas and is living a healthier life. I could tell by talking to him that he is making some positive changes in his life.

Also, I know I was freaking out on here about him seeing other people, which turned out to just be a lot of assumptions on my part and is not even true. He said he has no interest, desire or energy to even think about women, even as a one night stand. He just works and when he's not working, he's focusing and working on himself. So that was a big lesson for me - a giant wake up call from my HP! I spent the last month creating this whole narrative in my head, obsessing and spending a lot of time and energy worrying about something that wasn't even true. Big lesson in one day at a time and not making assumptions!

The phone call was a blessing for me because I was able to see MY progress in a lot of ways. Obviously talking to him is a trigger for me, but gave me the ability to see my recovery at work. For the first time, I said and meant it - it'd be great if you got into recovery, but that is your path and has nothing to do with me. Everything is in it's divine time and order and you have to do what's right for you when it's right for you. For once, I actually realized and truly felt that his behavior does not determine MY happiness. Hallelujah! Thank you AlAnon! It's so great when you have those moments and realize that all your hard work in recovery is paying off.

All that being said, we both know that we still have feelings for each other and hope we will be able to reconcile one day. We also both know that we still have a lot of work to do on ourselves before we are ready for a relationship with anyone. So we are continuing with the no contact (except business related) for an indefinite period of time so that we may focus on ourselves and do the work we need to do. We both know talking to each other at this point makes it too easy to worry about each other and take the focus off ourselves. I like to say "we're not done baking yet".

So, we have a long road ahead of us, but after this last month of convincing myself he was moving on, seeing other people, partying it up, and not giving a **** about me, it was nice to learn that none of that is true and he does actually love and care about me more than I realized. I feel like kind of an idiot for having a renewed sense of hope and faith. But I will say I feel like my eyes are more open this time. The fact is that he is an alcoholic not in recovery and I have no idea if or when he ever will be. The other fact is that we love each other and are both working hard on ourselves. We don't know if we will ever be together again, but we both know we're on the right paths for ourselves. I'm currently working step 2 and this is so in line with what I'm working on. There's a quote in the Language of Letting Go: I trust that the plan is good even when I don't know what it is.

I finally believe my HP has my back and I'll be okay no matter what happens in my life. I also have finally been able to start to let go of needing to know what's to come. I don't know what's to come, no one does. But I know it will be good and I know I'm on the right path for myself.

Still, of course, it's hard not to go to fantasy land here and have hope for him and us. Anyone been here before? What happened? I take it as a good sign that he's admitting he has a problem, is making positive steps in his life and thinking about AA. I know that doesn't mean anything necessarily, but is it wrong to have hope at this point?

ladyscribbler

That sounds kind of like thinking about winning the Power Ball but not buying a ticket. I had to learn to translate every excuse my ex made to "I'm not ready to get sober." It's just noise, but it keeps us hooked in if we let it.

Ladybird579

He said he thinks about AA all of the time, but isn't ready to make that commitment yet.

My exah has been thinking about it for 30 years.

aliciagr

Your post is really fascinating to me. My husband is in recovery and only works with a therapist who specializes. He has no interest in meetings or programs, but was subjected to it while in rehab.

But last weekend his mom made a plea similar to what you just said.. he needs to surrender and (Im assuming she meant work a program). It was very upsetting for us, and left me totally confused by her behavior.

Im all for personal beliefs on what constitutes recovery, and I think we can each set boundaries around our feelings... my MIL basically said it was too risky for her to be in his life (our lives).

But it is right to project that onto someone else, and expect them to work the program or type of recovery "we" think they should work in order for it to be called "recovery". Arent the results of ones efforts, and the positive changes in behavior enough?

My husband has been doing fine without AA, so the whole thing confuses me.

I hope I didnt deviate too much, but to reply to the last line of your post: I kinda looks like your XBF is doing well in recovery already but it will take time to show more. Same as with my husband and his path.

honeypig

The wording is slightly different from XAH; he says he's "working on it." Again, I have seen no action, no actual changes, but I am assured from time to time that, even though we are divorced, he continues to "work on it."

I think what I've read here before is this:
Work on your own recovery and then:
1) If he gets sober and you get back together, good for you.
2) If he doesn't get sober and you don't get back together, good for you.

I don't mean this to be flip or snide, but I do want to be really clear: ONLY ACTIONS COUNT. It took me a while to learn that, but now that I have (mostly) learned it, it has changed so much in how I see and react to other people around me.

SparkleKitty

I'd like to add a 1.5, if I may: ) If he gets sober, and you don't get back together, good for you.

Working your own recovery will never let you down, regardless of what happens in your life or anyone else's.

honeypig

Thanks, SK--I wasn't sure I had the quote right!

atalose

Please don’t make his “words” your hire power. His words may have eased your obsessive thoughts about him dating other people and giving you high hopes for a future with him but they are just “words” of an active alcoholic who doesn’t want to stop drinking.

It’s good that you realize you are going down fantasy lane and projecting into a possible future with him again but keep working on reality, the today of what and how things are.

Ladybird579

My husband has been doing fine without AA, so the whole thing confuses me.

But he wasn't tho was he? He had a lapse again recently from your posts on another thread.

Seeker21

To clarify, that's not what I'm saying at all. I didn't come to the conclusion that my HP has my back based what he said. I just saw it more clearly during that conversation because I had such a strong feeling that I know I'LL be okay no matter what he does.

And yes, good for me either way! Because I'm working on me.

aliciagr - Yes, it is confusing. I've heard there are many paths to recovery and different strokes for different folks. I know AA is the most common, but I don't know a lot about the other ways. I know AA works for a lot of people but it also doesn't work for a lot of others. So, as far as I can tell, it's all a crap shoot. All we have is today and we are responsible for our own happiness.

aliciagr

No he hasnt had a lapse. He was treated for substance abuse including cocaine combined with alcohol. He has been seeing his therapist regularly and things have been good regarding those issues.

I said his doctor did not define him as an alcoholic, and he does not think he is one. (I dont truly know, except it sure was an issue when mixed with cocaine ). But I did discuss the possibility of alcohol abuse and how its dealt with in one of my posts .. (its more prevalent in the population than true alcoholism according to my therapist and often treated differently).

I said a couple of times a month he will have a glass of alcohol (wine, beer) with a meal if we are out to dinner. I said it hasnt been an issue because its so random, and his behaviors are fine. It concerns me because I worry about a relapse. It concerns me because there is so much talk about it in programs like AA and among Alanon members. where complete abstinence is considered key for being in "recovery".
I really dont know if I believe that finding, based on what I see with my husband and all the positive progress he has made. He is as I said "doing fine"

The cocaine and the craziness are gone. He is working on a lot of emotional issues with his therapist just like the poster here said her ex was doing with his. So slightly different situation perhaps, but still similar I think.

LexieCat

I think the thing about AA is a humility thing. It really brings home that we're not all "special snowflakes" who are just misunderstood and a few sessions with a counselor will fix us. Alcoholics have more in common, as far as their disease goes, than they do differences. Yes, some people fall further than others. And I've known quite a few folks who have gotten good sobriety without AA. For the most part they are people who do the same kind of internal work on themselves that the Steps represent.

What bothers me about his statement, that he's "not ready to make that commitment yet," is that it sounds like he believes that if he gets to the root of whatever he perceives his "issues" to be, he will be able to drink normally. We alcoholics get pretty good at reading between the lines of the BS coming from fellow alcoholics.

aliciagr

I agree Seeker. Its hard enough for me to work on my own issues. But it will be worth it for you and me both in the long run.

Seeker21

Thanks, LexieCat. It's helpful to hear from other alcoholics because I know their BS meter is much stronger than mine ;P

I did say to him that he still thinks he can control it and I see that as the reason to why he has not entered 12-step yet. He said he has gone over the pros and cons to drinking and there are always way more cons. But isn't it at least something that he's thinking about it? I mean he could be saying, "I don't have a problem. I'm never going into recovery. F*** off." I think then my attitude about it would be much different.

LexieCat

Well, I think it is a hopeful sign that SOMEDAY he might be ready. For me, it was four years from the time I admitted I had a "problem" with drinking, and the day I said, "That's it." And remember, I had seen some miraculous recoveries in my time. My first husband has been sober, continuously, for the past 37 years. We've had many friends with similar miracles in their lives. So it wasn't like I didn't know about AA--I just thought I was "different" from "those people." Superior. Smarter. Pretty arrogant, but also common as dirt. I "worked on" my drinking problem for all that time. Yeah, I did finally get there. Thing is, do you want to hang on for however long it takes to get from "I have a problem" to "I can't go on this way--I'm desperate"?

Seeker21

Does it take a lot of people that long? Yes, I do think he thinks he's different. Wishful thinking I know.

Seeker21

And I guess I don't really see myself as "hanging on" because I'm not stopping my life for him. I'm not hanging any of my future plans for myself on him. I'm moving on either way. And I'm not dating right now because I'm not ready for myself. I still have my own work to do.

LexieCat

I'd say it's about par for the course. It takes some people decades.

It really shouldn't be so surprising, though, when you think about it. I know that for me, I felt like once I admitted I was an "alcoholic" there would be no going back. And committing to never drinking again ("one day at a time" notwithstanding, it's a delusion for any alcoholic to ever think s/he can drink normally again) feels like a very drastic response to something the alcoholic isn't even sure applies to him/her.

Forward12

Often times yes, sometimes longer if, and that's a big if they finally do come to their senses and stop drinking.
That's good you've chosen to go back to no contact and should stay that way. It sounds like you've got some pretty strong codie issues going on that I think should be worked on.
It's every codie's wet dream that their partner will magically get it together, become sober, and everything will be rainbows and unicorns, but the chances of that happening are very, very slim.

NYCDoglvr

With alcoholics -- and most other people -- it's actions that count, not words. "Thinking about it ..........weighing the pros and cons ..... is a long way from taking the daily actions that help us stay sober. People don't stop drinking because it seems like a wise decision, it's typically a crisis of some sort that finally gets their attention.