Sponsors
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Sponsors
I lost my dear sponsor due to her going back to drinking. It was really hard on me for about a month until I found someone who said they didn't have any sponsees at the moment and would be willing to help me. I thought ok we can see if it works. She asked me to call her every day until we get to know each other. I didn't want to do that but if that's what I need to do then that's what I need to do. The thing is she doesn't answer the phone!! I get myself all worked up to call a complete stranger and they don't answer. Called her the other day. No answer so I just texted I was ok. Called her last night with no call back... ok so then tried her again today 6 hours ago. Still haven't heard from her. She had said she doesn't work much so that isn't an excuse. I understand people are busy but why tell me to call if you aren't going to answer. Just disappointed. I just want a sponsor that is there, geez!! It took a lot of courage just to even get another sponsor since I lost the last one. I've been sober 8 months and am not needy but I am tired of putting myself out there and feeling confused.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Hi Linz. There's no rule that says you can't have more than one sponsor. Sounds to me like the one you've picked really doesn't have her heart into it. Gently inform her that you just assume she's too busy at this point in time and that you're going to look elsewhere. You made the right move. She should have been willing to make herself available if she took you on as a sponsee. It's not your fault so don't let it get you down. Just start over. =)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by NewRomanMan 
Hi Linz. There's no rule that says you can't have more than one sponsor. Sounds to me like the one you've picked really doesn't have her heart into it. Gently inform her that you just assume she's too busy at this point in time and that you're going to look elsewhere. You made the right move. She should have been willing to make herself available if she took you on as a sponsee. It's not your fault so don't let it get you down. Just start over. =)
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Sponsors are just people and have feet of clay like everyone else. It is very hard to pick a good sponsor when you are new too. How do we know who would be best? What experience do we base our choice on?
I knew a sponsor was important and after a week or so I had identified two prospects that I thought would be good. I said to the God I didn't understand that I will ask whichever turns up to the meeting that night. I got a very good sponsor. The other chap drank again a few years later, and died drunk.
The difference was that the one I got had actually recovered through the steps, and knew how to show me the way. You have more experience now. Maybe ask someone who has recovered through working all 12 steps.
Out of curiosity, where did you get to in the steps with your last sponsor?
I knew a sponsor was important and after a week or so I had identified two prospects that I thought would be good. I said to the God I didn't understand that I will ask whichever turns up to the meeting that night. I got a very good sponsor. The other chap drank again a few years later, and died drunk.
The difference was that the one I got had actually recovered through the steps, and knew how to show me the way. You have more experience now. Maybe ask someone who has recovered through working all 12 steps.
Out of curiosity, where did you get to in the steps with your last sponsor?
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Do you have a call time set up? If not you should have an official call time and if so they should be answering pretty much all the time.
Where Im from, you only have one sponsor. If not than Alcoholics will play the two sponsors off each other until they get the answer they want to hear! Now you can certainly have a really close AA friend or friends to ask for advice but the final word should always come from your sponsor. If you don't trust your sponsor enough to take thier advice than you need another sponsor.
Where Im from, you only have one sponsor. If not than Alcoholics will play the two sponsors off each other until they get the answer they want to hear! Now you can certainly have a really close AA friend or friends to ask for advice but the final word should always come from your sponsor. If you don't trust your sponsor enough to take thier advice than you need another sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Sponsors are just people and have feet of clay like everyone else. It is very hard to pick a good sponsor when you are new too. How do we know who would be best? What experience do we base our choice on?
I knew a sponsor was important and after a week or so I had identified two prospects that I thought would be good. I said to the God I didn't understand that I will ask whichever turns up to the meeting that night. I got a very good sponsor. The other chap drank again a few years later, and died drunk.
The difference was that the one I got had actually recovered through the steps, and knew how to show me the way. You have more experience now. Maybe ask someone who has recovered through working all 12 steps.
Out of curiosity, where did you get to in the steps with your last sponsor?
I knew a sponsor was important and after a week or so I had identified two prospects that I thought would be good. I said to the God I didn't understand that I will ask whichever turns up to the meeting that night. I got a very good sponsor. The other chap drank again a few years later, and died drunk.
The difference was that the one I got had actually recovered through the steps, and knew how to show me the way. You have more experience now. Maybe ask someone who has recovered through working all 12 steps.
Out of curiosity, where did you get to in the steps with your last sponsor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by hellrzr
Do you have a call time set up? If not you should have an official call time and if so they should be answering pretty much all the time.
Where Im from, you only have one sponsor. If not than Alcoholics will play the two sponsors off each other until they get the answer they want to hear! Now you can certainly have a really close AA friend or friends to ask for advice but the final word should always come from your sponsor. If you don't trust your sponsor enough to take thier advice than you need another sponsor.
Where Im from, you only have one sponsor. If not than Alcoholics will play the two sponsors off each other until they get the answer they want to hear! Now you can certainly have a really close AA friend or friends to ask for advice but the final word should always come from your sponsor. If you don't trust your sponsor enough to take thier advice than you need another sponsor.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Loinz805, a set call time is critical. If your sponsor doesn't talk to you about an agreeable time to call and on what day(s) of the week to call than that is not a good sign. Many sponsor will not answer if you miss your call time or answer and quickly to let you know you missed the time and then tell you to call back at your next call time or to talk to them at the next meeting you'll see them at. May sound rough but Alcoholics usually need structure and rules for guidance, at least in early sobriety but many people keep this set up for many, many years. I wish you good luck in your search and great work in taking the action of doing the steps that will help save your life!!!!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Linz805
I got most of the way thru the 4th step before she relapsed so I've been at a standstill. I was hoping to pick it back up but now believe I am going to have to find someone else which is ok! This new one has tons of sobriety so I thought it would be good. I know they are humans just like me so trying to have the benefit of the doubt but when you take on a sponsee I would think you would make yourself available. She was the one that had asked me to call her daily and I was doing my part. Gods got someone out there for me!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Just wanna chime in and say having a set call time is not a suggestion in the big book 
Some might say it's critical, some might say it's controlling...really is a matter for sponsor/sponsee....
It is pretty self evident that if a sponsor is not answering /responding /acknowledging you are contacting them there is a massive problem.
You need to be able to trust this person.
P
Some might say it's critical, some might say it's controlling...really is a matter for sponsor/sponsee....
It is pretty self evident that if a sponsor is not answering /responding /acknowledging you are contacting them there is a massive problem.
You need to be able to trust this person.
P
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,690
Feeling confused sounds okay to me. A sponsor sets boundaries- so one does the 'right' thing. If the result is not the needed outcome- what are you to do? Do not beat yourself over it. 8 months is awesome. Just remember- you are in control of your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Feeling confused sounds okay to me. A sponsor sets boundaries- so one does the 'right' thing. If the result is not the needed outcome- what are you to do? Do not beat yourself over it. 8 months is awesome. Just remember- you are in control of your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by paulokes
Just wanna chime in and say having a set call time is not a suggestion in the big book
Some might say it's critical, some might say it's controlling...really is a matter for sponsor/sponsee....
It is pretty self evident that if a sponsor is not answering /responding /acknowledging you are contacting them there is a massive problem.
You need to be able to trust this person.
P
Some might say it's critical, some might say it's controlling...really is a matter for sponsor/sponsee....
It is pretty self evident that if a sponsor is not answering /responding /acknowledging you are contacting them there is a massive problem.
You need to be able to trust this person.
P
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Sounds like your new sponsor took on too much responsibility. I wouldn't talk to ER about it; what's the point? I would find someone who knows their limits and can stick to a commitment.
I would simply thank the other sponsor for their time and say you're going to move on - and here's where the real growth is for you: tell him why so he knows what he can do differently too, and there are no loose ends hanging.
Big growth available to you here.
You're doing great.
One more thing: you might consider actually asking God to bring you a sponsor who can help you.
I would simply thank the other sponsor for their time and say you're going to move on - and here's where the real growth is for you: tell him why so he knows what he can do differently too, and there are no loose ends hanging.
Big growth available to you here.
You're doing great.
One more thing: you might consider actually asking God to bring you a sponsor who can help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by WMJ1012
Sounds like your new sponsor took on too much responsibility. I wouldn't talk to ER about it; what's the point? I would find someone who knows their limits and can stick to a commitment.
I would simply thank the other sponsor for their time and say you're going to move on - and here's where the real growth is for you: tell him why so he knows what he can do differently too, and there are no loose ends hanging.
Big growth available to you here.
You're doing great.
One more thing: you might consider actually asking God to bring you a sponsor who can help you.
I would simply thank the other sponsor for their time and say you're going to move on - and here's where the real growth is for you: tell him why so he knows what he can do differently too, and there are no loose ends hanging.
Big growth available to you here.
You're doing great.
One more thing: you might consider actually asking God to bring you a sponsor who can help you.
and I do pray about it. I told god "ok, I can't do this on my own. Intervene please!!"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Originally Posted by hellrzr
Do you have a call time set up? If not you should have an official call time and if so they should be answering pretty much all the time.
Where Im from, you only have one sponsor. If not than Alcoholics will play the two sponsors off each other until they get the answer they want to hear! Now you can certainly have a really close AA friend or friends to ask for advice but the final word should always come from your sponsor. If you don't trust your sponsor enough to take thier advice than you need another sponsor.
Where Im from, you only have one sponsor. If not than Alcoholics will play the two sponsors off each other until they get the answer they want to hear! Now you can certainly have a really close AA friend or friends to ask for advice but the final word should always come from your sponsor. If you don't trust your sponsor enough to take thier advice than you need another sponsor.
If the guy that was my sponsor TOLD me to call him at a specific time every day I'd have gotten drunk--and told him where to get off. I didn't need people telling what to do, I needed people showing me what to do so I could POSSIBLY try it.
The whole point of finding a Higher Power is that I don't make good decisions, and when I do they are based on self. There is no requirement for a sponsor, either, although it's highly recommended. I prayed my ass off and when I was ready, a guy appeared directly in my face and said, "If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to die. You need someone to take you through the Steps. And if you ASK ME, I MIGHT be your sponsor."
I took that as a sign.
In April, if I keep doing what I've been doing, I'll have 10 years continuous sobriety--from day 1 in AA.
Try actually doing what is suggested. Everyone is different and ask people in these forums to share ideas is wonderful, but AA is a program of ACTIONS, not ideas. Results, not thoughts. I couldn't think myself into good actions, I had to act myself into good thinking, and reading a forum is something, but it's not sobriety in my experience.
In AA, there is a nut for every bolt. Seek guidance--it'll find you.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
When I got sober, If I didn't have a sponsor tell me to call him at a certain time on certain days then I would have never called and certainly gotten drunk. I did need someone to tell me what to do because the decisions I was making were not good ones. Actually, I meant my sponsor and did tell him to get lost because I knew better and didn't need anyone telling me what to do like when to call them and what meetings or how many I need to attend. It was only after another year of going to some meetings, and still drinking before things got bad enough that I finally listened to him and changed my life. Or kind of like you said, the teacher had been there but the student finally appeared!
I found a sponsor that "suggested" certain things I need to do, like call him at a certain time on certain days. That same sponsor had the same suggestions from his sponsor and I watched him follow those suggestions and his life got better so in turn I followed my sponsors suggestions and my life got better. If I wasn't willing to do what he asked of me than I wouldn't have been around to see the action he took and the good example that he set for me to follow.
SKG, I agree 100% with your last paragraph! At the end of the day we each find something that works for us. Awesome job on 10 years! Lord willing I'll have 5 in August but I never count my chickens before they hatch.
I found a sponsor that "suggested" certain things I need to do, like call him at a certain time on certain days. That same sponsor had the same suggestions from his sponsor and I watched him follow those suggestions and his life got better so in turn I followed my sponsors suggestions and my life got better. If I wasn't willing to do what he asked of me than I wouldn't have been around to see the action he took and the good example that he set for me to follow.
SKG, I agree 100% with your last paragraph! At the end of the day we each find something that works for us. Awesome job on 10 years! Lord willing I'll have 5 in August but I never count my chickens before they hatch.
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