My friend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 19
My friend
Hello everybody! I am BFT (female) and I decided to register here because I have a friend who is an alcoholic. Everything with alcoholism is new to me and english is not my mother tongue so please be patient and nice with me :-)
I know this person since a couple of months and the situation I am in has shaken me emotionally quite a bit. My way to cope with it is finding information by sharing thoughts and getting advice from experienced people so I think I am in the right place here (at least I hope so). I have many questions and some of you might be able to enlighten me. Other than that, I am just glad that I can let it out somewhere because I do not have anybody talk about the current situation I am in.
The story is quite long but I hope that somebody will read through it: This man (my friend) started hitting on me a couple of months ago. We messaged a lot and ended up going out for a coffee to get to know each other personally. We immediately "clicked" and the whole story developped into the direction that we messaged even more, about very intimate things. We both turned our inside out to each other.
He wanted more (with other words he was also sexually interested in me) and it took him a while to get me there because I am not a person who ends in bed with someone quickly.
Luckily, we never did anything serious (just platonic talking and having good times together), it just did not happen (do not ask why...timing was always just bad).
I noticed very soon that he has/had a drinking problem. He messaged me and called me drunk and admitted it openly. I quickly knew what I was up to with him. Slowly he told me about all his addiction problems he has/had (besides drinking he does/did cocaine) and that he was in recovery many times but always relapsed. He drinks since many years and tried to stop many times.
Despite knowing it better, I have to admit, that I developed a crush on him (and I guess he most probably on me, although he never admitted it directly but I think I can tell by what he told/wrote me).
He reached a low when he had a night out doing cocaine, was so bad afterwards that he finally had to go to the doc and was diagnosed with severe organ issues due to all substance abuse and drinking.
He had to take action, otherwise he was risking his life. He is now in early recovery (this is why I wrote in present and past above).
Already before his last crazy night he started to distance me. It was very hard for me because I did not understand why. In the meantime I did some reading and I think I know why he is doing this. This is the main reason why I am here on this board: I hope that somebody can give me some insights and help to understand the situation better and help me to cope better with it.
I actually thought that we were about to start a romantic relationship but then he suddenly pulled back. I think that in the beginning he was just looking for s** but when he got to know me, he started to have feelings for me too (at least he told me so and still keeps telling me how much he likes me and how important I am to him).
I asked him bluntly why he did not text me anymore, why he stopped wanting to meet me in private and so on. It took me some work to get it out of him but he ended up telling me that I got to close and he did not want me to fall for him because he is afraid that he will hurt me (or both of us will get hurt). When we had that conversation, I had a million of things to ask but he said that it was very hard for him to talk about it and since he is in early recovery, I do not want to bother him too much. He already has enough to go through so he does not need a girl torturing him too!
I struggled (and I guess I am still struggling) a lot with this: I feel a bit like he dropped me like a hot potatoe. When I look negatively on the whole story, I feel like he started hitting on me when he was still heavily drinking, now once sober he regrets it and wants to get rid of me. I directly asked him if I did or said anything wrong or crossed a line and he said no.
When I look positively at the story, then I think he likes and respects me so much, that by distancing me, he is trying to protect me (and himself too).
I did a bit of homework and read online and two books about alcoholism and recovery and learnt a couple of things doing so. I guess that on the one hand, he is concentrating on his recovery, on the other hand, he does not want to put me through the same he has put others before me through (he told me, that another girl went through hell because of him and I see how much pain it causes him, he feels super guitly about it). I do not want to confront him with this and ask directly, he asked me not to talk about this "him-and-me stuff" because it would be too hard for him.
We agreed to stay friends because as soon as we are together we have a really good time. I do not want to loose him because he really is a good person despite all his mistakes and I like him very much. I am trying very hard to get over my crush on him but it is very difficult to control your feelings (even if the brain says another thing).
I guess I am looking for some insightful comments, some thoughts and maybe some advice how I can help him (I guess there is not much to do but maybe some of you can give me some hints to be a good friend for a recovering alcoholic, what to do, what not to do and so on).
Thank you for listening/reading
I know this person since a couple of months and the situation I am in has shaken me emotionally quite a bit. My way to cope with it is finding information by sharing thoughts and getting advice from experienced people so I think I am in the right place here (at least I hope so). I have many questions and some of you might be able to enlighten me. Other than that, I am just glad that I can let it out somewhere because I do not have anybody talk about the current situation I am in.
The story is quite long but I hope that somebody will read through it: This man (my friend) started hitting on me a couple of months ago. We messaged a lot and ended up going out for a coffee to get to know each other personally. We immediately "clicked" and the whole story developped into the direction that we messaged even more, about very intimate things. We both turned our inside out to each other.
He wanted more (with other words he was also sexually interested in me) and it took him a while to get me there because I am not a person who ends in bed with someone quickly.
Luckily, we never did anything serious (just platonic talking and having good times together), it just did not happen (do not ask why...timing was always just bad).
I noticed very soon that he has/had a drinking problem. He messaged me and called me drunk and admitted it openly. I quickly knew what I was up to with him. Slowly he told me about all his addiction problems he has/had (besides drinking he does/did cocaine) and that he was in recovery many times but always relapsed. He drinks since many years and tried to stop many times.
Despite knowing it better, I have to admit, that I developed a crush on him (and I guess he most probably on me, although he never admitted it directly but I think I can tell by what he told/wrote me).
He reached a low when he had a night out doing cocaine, was so bad afterwards that he finally had to go to the doc and was diagnosed with severe organ issues due to all substance abuse and drinking.
He had to take action, otherwise he was risking his life. He is now in early recovery (this is why I wrote in present and past above).
Already before his last crazy night he started to distance me. It was very hard for me because I did not understand why. In the meantime I did some reading and I think I know why he is doing this. This is the main reason why I am here on this board: I hope that somebody can give me some insights and help to understand the situation better and help me to cope better with it.
I actually thought that we were about to start a romantic relationship but then he suddenly pulled back. I think that in the beginning he was just looking for s** but when he got to know me, he started to have feelings for me too (at least he told me so and still keeps telling me how much he likes me and how important I am to him).
I asked him bluntly why he did not text me anymore, why he stopped wanting to meet me in private and so on. It took me some work to get it out of him but he ended up telling me that I got to close and he did not want me to fall for him because he is afraid that he will hurt me (or both of us will get hurt). When we had that conversation, I had a million of things to ask but he said that it was very hard for him to talk about it and since he is in early recovery, I do not want to bother him too much. He already has enough to go through so he does not need a girl torturing him too!
I struggled (and I guess I am still struggling) a lot with this: I feel a bit like he dropped me like a hot potatoe. When I look negatively on the whole story, I feel like he started hitting on me when he was still heavily drinking, now once sober he regrets it and wants to get rid of me. I directly asked him if I did or said anything wrong or crossed a line and he said no.
When I look positively at the story, then I think he likes and respects me so much, that by distancing me, he is trying to protect me (and himself too).
I did a bit of homework and read online and two books about alcoholism and recovery and learnt a couple of things doing so. I guess that on the one hand, he is concentrating on his recovery, on the other hand, he does not want to put me through the same he has put others before me through (he told me, that another girl went through hell because of him and I see how much pain it causes him, he feels super guitly about it). I do not want to confront him with this and ask directly, he asked me not to talk about this "him-and-me stuff" because it would be too hard for him.
We agreed to stay friends because as soon as we are together we have a really good time. I do not want to loose him because he really is a good person despite all his mistakes and I like him very much. I am trying very hard to get over my crush on him but it is very difficult to control your feelings (even if the brain says another thing).
I guess I am looking for some insightful comments, some thoughts and maybe some advice how I can help him (I guess there is not much to do but maybe some of you can give me some hints to be a good friend for a recovering alcoholic, what to do, what not to do and so on).
Thank you for listening/reading
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
I'd suggest moving on. You don't even have a relationship with this guy, just the hopes of something more than friendship. He's not available as a boyfriend right now, so I'd quit wasting my time if I were you. Wish him the best, and say goodbye.
There are plenty of people out there with a lot more to offer you, and by holding onto this guy you're missing the opportunity to meet someone you can really be happy with.
I'd suggest moving on. You don't even have a relationship with this guy, just the hopes of something more than friendship. He's not available as a boyfriend right now, so I'd quit wasting my time if I were you. Wish him the best, and say goodbye.
There are plenty of people out there with a lot more to offer you, and by holding onto this guy you're missing the opportunity to meet someone you can really be happy with.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Wow. I was in a cold sweat for much of your post...good for you. You have avoided a nightmare because of your own good sense and valuing yourself by taking it slow. Good for you!!!
What's important now is that you recognize the gift that it was and let it and him go. He is an addict. He is a long-time addict. He is supposedly in early recovery...again.
Run. Don't message him, don't try to figure out the unfathomable, don't try to discern meaning and forethought where there is none, don't pursue this on any level, not even "friends," just thank your fortunate stars that this only went as far as it did and run.
Did I mention run?
You can't help him, he can only help himself and the best thing he can ever do for you is to leave you alone.
Being his "friend" when you have other feelings for him will only lead you down the road to a nightmare. Keep reading here. You'll see people who lost decades of their lives to a loved one's addiction.
Once again, run.
What's important now is that you recognize the gift that it was and let it and him go. He is an addict. He is a long-time addict. He is supposedly in early recovery...again.
Run. Don't message him, don't try to figure out the unfathomable, don't try to discern meaning and forethought where there is none, don't pursue this on any level, not even "friends," just thank your fortunate stars that this only went as far as it did and run.
Did I mention run?
You can't help him, he can only help himself and the best thing he can ever do for you is to leave you alone.
Being his "friend" when you have other feelings for him will only lead you down the road to a nightmare. Keep reading here. You'll see people who lost decades of their lives to a loved one's addiction.
Once again, run.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Hi BFT!
I was you 3 years ago. Although I didn't actually know my husband (soon to be expected husband) was an alcoholic. Silly me stuck with him and got married....a year and a half later I am divorcing him.
I say this with kindness BFT,let him go and cut off contact. Let him go do his recovery, if in fact he keeps with it for a long period of time (6 months to a year) then maybe have some contact and see where it leads.
But please don't put your life on hold for him. Being with an alcoholic is the hardest damn thing ever,believe me
I was you 3 years ago. Although I didn't actually know my husband (soon to be expected husband) was an alcoholic. Silly me stuck with him and got married....a year and a half later I am divorcing him.
I say this with kindness BFT,let him go and cut off contact. Let him go do his recovery, if in fact he keeps with it for a long period of time (6 months to a year) then maybe have some contact and see where it leads.
But please don't put your life on hold for him. Being with an alcoholic is the hardest damn thing ever,believe me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 54
The beginning of a relationship should be a time for fun & romance- doing things together & getting to know one another. To get in a relationship with someone in "early recovery" denies you of all this good stuff. You deserve better!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 19
Thank you very much to everybody who read through it and replied! I appreciate this very much.
Actually, the first thought I had when I learnt about his addiction problems was "run!!!" too! My brain said run, my heart said another thing. Fortunately I am mentally and emotionally not there anymore where I have been a while ago. I was extremly naiv: Before I started reading about alcoholism I kind of did not realize the depth and range of it and how the addiction of a person can have an affect of the people surrounding him.
The more I read here and everyhwere else, I start to realize that distancing me was the hugest gift he could ever make me. I guess that it is up to me now to get completely over it, that I have to work on myself now.
Actually I feel like I start to transform the feelings of anger and frustration I had towards him into a feeling of thankfulness. I had a glimpse of what a family member/partner of an alcoholic must go through and I am glad that during the drunk days I got to know him there was some higher power or the fortunate stars (I love this expression) hindering us to get closer.
The only problem is, that I cannot break off contact with him (and I guess I do not want to, too). We are in some sort of work setting where we get rather close and I will see him multiple times a week. I will have to find my own way to get it on the friendship track and I am glad that in the last couple of days I feel like I am getting closer to it.
I kind of sense that even he too would not let completely go off me. When we had our serious talk about us, I gave him the possibility of a way out. I frankly told him, that we could try to go to the minimum of possible contact but he did not want to, emphasizing how important I would be to him (just not romantically) and that he never met a person before he could talk so well and laugh so much.
I am kind of unsure how to handle the situation: Given that we put our relation successfully on the friendship track, how shall I behave towards him? Shall I ask him about his recovery or letting it up to him to talk about it? I was thinking about making him some small gift for his 60 days mark if he manages to get there. Good idea? Bad idea?
Or better if I try to be his absolutely alcohol-free zone? Funny fact is, as much as we have in common, when it comes to alcohol I am the total opposite of him: I do not drink at all (I simply do not like the taste) and therefore I have never been drunk in my life. It became so running gag between us and he constantly teases me with my habit to drink all kind of teas :-)
Just be myself around him? Is there anything I absolutely should avoid?
You see, I have a million of questions :-) I know that every person is different but I would appreciate to hear some experiences and maybe get some guidlines on how to behave. I feel a bit like walking in a minefield.
Actually, the first thought I had when I learnt about his addiction problems was "run!!!" too! My brain said run, my heart said another thing. Fortunately I am mentally and emotionally not there anymore where I have been a while ago. I was extremly naiv: Before I started reading about alcoholism I kind of did not realize the depth and range of it and how the addiction of a person can have an affect of the people surrounding him.
The more I read here and everyhwere else, I start to realize that distancing me was the hugest gift he could ever make me. I guess that it is up to me now to get completely over it, that I have to work on myself now.
Actually I feel like I start to transform the feelings of anger and frustration I had towards him into a feeling of thankfulness. I had a glimpse of what a family member/partner of an alcoholic must go through and I am glad that during the drunk days I got to know him there was some higher power or the fortunate stars (I love this expression) hindering us to get closer.
The only problem is, that I cannot break off contact with him (and I guess I do not want to, too). We are in some sort of work setting where we get rather close and I will see him multiple times a week. I will have to find my own way to get it on the friendship track and I am glad that in the last couple of days I feel like I am getting closer to it.
I kind of sense that even he too would not let completely go off me. When we had our serious talk about us, I gave him the possibility of a way out. I frankly told him, that we could try to go to the minimum of possible contact but he did not want to, emphasizing how important I would be to him (just not romantically) and that he never met a person before he could talk so well and laugh so much.
I am kind of unsure how to handle the situation: Given that we put our relation successfully on the friendship track, how shall I behave towards him? Shall I ask him about his recovery or letting it up to him to talk about it? I was thinking about making him some small gift for his 60 days mark if he manages to get there. Good idea? Bad idea?
Or better if I try to be his absolutely alcohol-free zone? Funny fact is, as much as we have in common, when it comes to alcohol I am the total opposite of him: I do not drink at all (I simply do not like the taste) and therefore I have never been drunk in my life. It became so running gag between us and he constantly teases me with my habit to drink all kind of teas :-)
Just be myself around him? Is there anything I absolutely should avoid?
You see, I have a million of questions :-) I know that every person is different but I would appreciate to hear some experiences and maybe get some guidlines on how to behave. I feel a bit like walking in a minefield.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You are walking in a minefield.
Look, addicts are charming. We alcoholics are more so (or so I like to tell myself). We have to be...we are usually living a big fat lie that everything's fine, nothing to see here, so we have to be so very entertaining so that either no one will notice or that they will cut us all kinds of slack over and over when they do.
The thing is...it progresses. Some of us are fortunate enough to get wise to ourselves before everything goes south. Many do not. And the longer it's part of how you live your life the harder it can be to live without it.
There is nothing anyone who is not a trained professional or a recovered addict can do or say that makes any difference. And the real danger for you is that active addicts latch on to the next external solution that will "make them want to stop." The history always seems to be a hot pursuit, magic and rainbows, instant connection...followed by reality and heartbreak when that "solution" isn't one.
Stay cordial. Stay distant. No gifts...don't become part of his recovery. Treat him the way you treat a colleague who's attractive but married...you just don't go there. Right?
This is his path to walk and not yours. Be safe and protect yourself.
Look, addicts are charming. We alcoholics are more so (or so I like to tell myself). We have to be...we are usually living a big fat lie that everything's fine, nothing to see here, so we have to be so very entertaining so that either no one will notice or that they will cut us all kinds of slack over and over when they do.
The thing is...it progresses. Some of us are fortunate enough to get wise to ourselves before everything goes south. Many do not. And the longer it's part of how you live your life the harder it can be to live without it.
There is nothing anyone who is not a trained professional or a recovered addict can do or say that makes any difference. And the real danger for you is that active addicts latch on to the next external solution that will "make them want to stop." The history always seems to be a hot pursuit, magic and rainbows, instant connection...followed by reality and heartbreak when that "solution" isn't one.
Stay cordial. Stay distant. No gifts...don't become part of his recovery. Treat him the way you treat a colleague who's attractive but married...you just don't go there. Right?
This is his path to walk and not yours. Be safe and protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so - you work with this person, and a few months ago, things started to get friendly and flirty. you spent time together but never had sex.
in other words, you DATED for a bit.
there is really nothing for you to DO or to get involved in here. he's a confused mess and doesn't have a good track record of staying sober very long. you seem WAY too involved with someone you really don't know very well. doing all this research and trying to get into his head and HELP him.
back off. way off. go back to being a co-worker. nothing more. it's never wise to get involved with people we work with.
in other words, you DATED for a bit.
there is really nothing for you to DO or to get involved in here. he's a confused mess and doesn't have a good track record of staying sober very long. you seem WAY too involved with someone you really don't know very well. doing all this research and trying to get into his head and HELP him.
back off. way off. go back to being a co-worker. nothing more. it's never wise to get involved with people we work with.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 26
OMGosh..... déjà vu.... I'm pretty sure I've heard this story before! ... very sad to say there is no future in this relationship with him. I agree wholeheartedly with what the others have posted.
Please dig deep... keep a cordial friendly working relationship with him (unavoidable I suppose) but cut him off from him using you. That's the truth of it. He can't be present for you in a healthy give and take relationship but he is more than happy to keep you as 'friend' and getting all those benefits for himself (possibly still flirting with you) ... and so good for his ego.
I can see lots of similarities between my situation and yours.
You are bargaining with yourself to keep him around. It is sooo nice to get the attention and the flirting is fun. But like the others have said on here... you will only waste your precious time on someone who can not give you a deep and meaningful relationship. Even friendship with him will leave you with disappointments.
Don't hang around to find this out.
ps. emphasizing how important I would be to him (just not romantically) and that he never met a person before he could talk so well and laugh so much.
I heard this a thousand times from my guy and it does make you feel nice but Its just not true
Think of the other relationships he told you about... you have been given some great insight into what you can expect from him. (as nice as you think he is... partners and or friendships with alcoholism present can turn nasty and will break your heart when you least expect it)
My opinion is he is not being so kind to you by distancing you because he doesn't want to hurt you... this has been said to me as well.
It really is the 'come here/go away' abuse dance
Just don't go there!!! Detachment is not easy... I feel for you. Its hard and it sucks !
Stay strong sister... xx you sound like a lovely person that can offer someone a lot in a caring relationship... find someone who can reciprocate that on all levels.
Please dig deep... keep a cordial friendly working relationship with him (unavoidable I suppose) but cut him off from him using you. That's the truth of it. He can't be present for you in a healthy give and take relationship but he is more than happy to keep you as 'friend' and getting all those benefits for himself (possibly still flirting with you) ... and so good for his ego.
I can see lots of similarities between my situation and yours.
You are bargaining with yourself to keep him around. It is sooo nice to get the attention and the flirting is fun. But like the others have said on here... you will only waste your precious time on someone who can not give you a deep and meaningful relationship. Even friendship with him will leave you with disappointments.
Don't hang around to find this out.
ps. emphasizing how important I would be to him (just not romantically) and that he never met a person before he could talk so well and laugh so much.
I heard this a thousand times from my guy and it does make you feel nice but Its just not true
Think of the other relationships he told you about... you have been given some great insight into what you can expect from him. (as nice as you think he is... partners and or friendships with alcoholism present can turn nasty and will break your heart when you least expect it)
My opinion is he is not being so kind to you by distancing you because he doesn't want to hurt you... this has been said to me as well.
It really is the 'come here/go away' abuse dance
Just don't go there!!! Detachment is not easy... I feel for you. Its hard and it sucks !
Stay strong sister... xx you sound like a lovely person that can offer someone a lot in a caring relationship... find someone who can reciprocate that on all levels.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I like 2Frazzled words. Especially, the part about not investing your time in a half type relationship. Keep it detached from trying to be an influence in his recovery. He doesn't need it...as he should be using his AA fellows, his sponsor, and his counselor for that purpose. If he is working his program the way he should--he has all the recovery help that he will ever need.
They know how to keep us hooked---the words that make our hearts just glow!
"You are the greatest person"..."You are the best listener"...."Never met a woman like you"..."You are the only one who can make me laugh"...."I feel safe when I am with you"......
"I need you"....is such a Siren Call.....
They know how to keep us hooked---the words that make our hearts just glow!
"You are the greatest person"..."You are the best listener"...."Never met a woman like you"..."You are the only one who can make me laugh"...."I feel safe when I am with you"......
"I need you"....is such a Siren Call.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by BFT 
I am kind of unsure how to handle the situation: Given that we put our relation successfully on the friendship track, how shall I behave towards him? Shall I ask him about his recovery or letting it up to him to talk about it? I was thinking about making him some small gift for his 60 days mark if he manages to get there. Good idea? Bad idea?
Most of us have asked the questions you asked above. What you are thinking and wondering would be perfect if you were considering your actions towards a non-addict; however, with addicts, the only good idea is to step away. Way away. And take care of yourself.
For most of us, correct actions with an alcoholic is very contra-intuitive: you leave them alone and you take care of yourself. You act towards them more as you would a natural disaster, like a tsunami, than a human being. This feels so absolutely wrong to decent, caring people but it is indeed the correct way to relate to an alcoholic.
You do sound like a wonderful lady with a lot to offer. Please let us know how you get on. Your English is fine . . . I wish I could write a second language as well as you write here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 19
Omg, I so glad I found you all! I learnt so much in the last couple of days and I am going through so many emotional ups and downs at the moment... I guess I am more into this story that I actually want to admit. I could kick and slap myself (feel free to call me stupid, because I really am!). Usually I am a super rational person, I can be ice cold when it comes to analyze situations and take decisions but sometimes there is the emotinal side of me interfering waaaaay too much and I feel like I am in this situation now. I do not recognize myself at the moment.
It feels like on one shoulder sits a very rational little angel, telling me that I should step waaaay back but on the other there is the little devil of denial.
Please do not be angry with me: I just try to write down my feelings. For me it is a way to sort them out and finding clarity. I hope it is okay to do this here. It helps me A LOT!
First when I was reading through your replies I went into denial and defence. I was about to say "no, this is a different situation, you all are wrong" (I know you are not! You are all so right and I hate myself for having such a hard time accepting this and having such difficulties to get out of this. I feel ridiculous but I guess it is part of the process and I just have to accept it for now).
About the work situation: It is kind of tricky because it is not the usualy work situation you will find. I cannot give any details for privacy reasons because if a person knowing either me or him, they would immediately know who we are. Just FYI we both work in a very small sector of performing arts and even if we would not "work" together we would stumble across each other more often.
I had this policy too: Never start something with a person you work with, so I was very reluctant when he started hitting on me. It also took him quite a while and hardcore convincing work to get me there (and I am glad that today I can say) where I have been (in the past and not in the present because I am over this phase now *yay for me!* first step done). Unfortunately it will take me the double of time to fully get out and over it now and I am in the middle of this process.
I try to see it as a journey. Sometimes I look at myself and the whole situation from the bird's eye view and I feel like looking at a soap opera: Season I was the day he wanted more from me till his cocain low he had a while ago. Season II started when he took me aside and told me that if he would not take action now, he most propably will die of organ failure. I am in the middle of season II and actually I am curious how the serial is going to continue.
I am curious how season II will end and if there is going to be a season III (gosh, I think I am going to write a script and sell it to a movie producer).
I will for sure keep you updated. Feel free to call me stupid, to give me sh** because I feel like I will do a couple of stupid things in the process to get this all behind me.
He is doing the recovery on his own this time. He did it a couple of times as an in-patient in a very good, very posh and very specialized rehab clinic. This time he decided to do it with docs on his own (so no group therapy so far but he is now at the point where he could start it). He is using medication and I was super suprised that he got off the first pills he took so quickly. I thought he would slip into the next addiction.
Soooo, I have to run right now but I will type a follow (there are a couple of things still would like to dispose of. I hope that's okay).
Thanks to everybody for replying, for listening, for caring, for writing, for giving advice, for complimenting and for supporting! And please do not be angry if it looks like I am denial. For me it is part of the process.
I do not recognize myself at the moment. It feels like on one shoulder sits a very rational little angel, telling me that I should step waaaay back but on the other there is the little devil of denial.
Please do not be angry with me: I just try to write down my feelings. For me it is a way to sort them out and finding clarity. I hope it is okay to do this here. It helps me A LOT!
First when I was reading through your replies I went into denial and defence. I was about to say "no, this is a different situation, you all are wrong" (I know you are not! You are all so right and I hate myself for having such a hard time accepting this and having such difficulties to get out of this. I feel ridiculous but I guess it is part of the process and I just have to accept it for now).
About the work situation: It is kind of tricky because it is not the usualy work situation you will find. I cannot give any details for privacy reasons because if a person knowing either me or him, they would immediately know who we are. Just FYI we both work in a very small sector of performing arts and even if we would not "work" together we would stumble across each other more often.
I had this policy too: Never start something with a person you work with, so I was very reluctant when he started hitting on me. It also took him quite a while and hardcore convincing work to get me there (and I am glad that today I can say) where I have been (in the past and not in the present because I am over this phase now *yay for me!* first step done). Unfortunately it will take me the double of time to fully get out and over it now and I am in the middle of this process.
I try to see it as a journey. Sometimes I look at myself and the whole situation from the bird's eye view and I feel like looking at a soap opera: Season I was the day he wanted more from me till his cocain low he had a while ago. Season II started when he took me aside and told me that if he would not take action now, he most propably will die of organ failure. I am in the middle of season II and actually I am curious how the serial is going to continue.
I am curious how season II will end and if there is going to be a season III (gosh, I think I am going to write a script and sell it to a movie producer). I will for sure keep you updated. Feel free to call me stupid, to give me sh** because I feel like I will do a couple of stupid things in the process to get this all behind me.
He is doing the recovery on his own this time. He did it a couple of times as an in-patient in a very good, very posh and very specialized rehab clinic. This time he decided to do it with docs on his own (so no group therapy so far but he is now at the point where he could start it). He is using medication and I was super suprised that he got off the first pills he took so quickly. I thought he would slip into the next addiction.
Soooo, I have to run right now but I will type a follow (there are a couple of things still would like to dispose of. I hope that's okay).
Thanks to everybody for replying, for listening, for caring, for writing, for giving advice, for complimenting and for supporting! And please do not be angry if it looks like I am denial. For me it is part of the process.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
BFT- I did post b4 (promise- but did not get there). I am glad you are okay and your friend is alive. Logic and emotion do not like each other at intense periods in our lives. The brain says- 'you should do this' but the heart says 'but I love this person, if I do not help them I will be a bad person (or whatever). Finding the balance is difficult. When people around me relapse or have ANY personal problems- Itry to just listen, offer support, compassion and empathy. BUT I cannot rescue them from themselves. Not become part of their story. There are boundaries and exceptions and there no absolutes dealing with human type people. Personal safety is the first one of course. Look after yourself. PJ
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 19
Oh yes, emotion and logic really do not like each other! Usually my brain and my heart agree but this time they disagree and I guess that's what confuses me so much.
Here is the follow up I wanted to dispose of this morning and did not have time: Let aside that I still have contact with him, wanting or not wanting it, for me, I already crossed a line with him that I just could step back and say nothing happens so everything is fine. I told him things I would never ever tell anybody and he did the same with me. I know that alcoholics lie but with getting to know him, I can pretty much tell when he is lying or trying to hide something and when not. He told me things, rarely somebody knows and at the beginning some of his stories were so wild that I could not believe them but with a tiny bit of research, I figured out that everything was true.
This is one of the points that make it extra hard for me to go to a "normal" relation.
Good thing for me is that I never gave myself so much importance in his life that I thought (or think) I could save him from anything. As said, I have zero experience with alcoholics but I do have some experience with anorexia/bulimia and there I learnt how to help them (by actually not helping but just being there). I am also glad that he deliberately keeps me out of everything. He called me a couple of times when he was very drunk and I asked him not to do this anymore and he would stick to it. Never got a drunk call anymore afterwards.
When I read my own words I sound like a moron idealizing and enhancing him
If I just would be clear about my own feelings...I am trying to figure out what it is. It is not love because I have been unhappily in love for a couple of times and this was different. There I was jealouse and I was trying to picture a life with that other person, how it would be to kiss and so on. With him, fortunately I don't. He is not even my type.
Then I thought about saving/helping and so on. It's not that... I never tried to talk him into therapy (because I know it won't have any effect), I never judged him or tried to give him advice on what to do/what not to do. When we talked about his addiction, he usually started to talk about it and I just asked questions out of pure interest because it was a new topic to me and I am generally an interested person in everything that goes on around me.
I have no idea why I have this weird obsession with him. Maybe he told me nice things I wanted to hear but most of them I already heard from other guys and I just can mildly smile about it.
Maybe it is because I cannot talk with anybody around me about the situation. I usually talk lot with my mother about everything but I cannot talk about this with her. She is the child of an alcoholic and alcoholism is a huge red flag for her. Her father (my grandfather) was a heavily addict and very violent and her mother (my grandmother) commited suicide because of him when my mum was about 20. The day he died (caused by alcohol), she went out to celebrate. My mum concluded with her past and is doing fine. I was born many years later so I only marginally heard about it. She only talks about good memories about her mother, hardly ever about her father. If I would tell her that I was close to start a story with an alcoholic, she would completely freak out!
Did I already say that I am glad I found you?
Just to write all this stuff off my heart helps me a lot. Plus I am really good 
: I managed not to text him since Wednesday! I did not make it more than two days without sending a little message asking how he is or sending him some picture. Huge success for me as a step of letting go.
Here is the follow up I wanted to dispose of this morning and did not have time: Let aside that I still have contact with him, wanting or not wanting it, for me, I already crossed a line with him that I just could step back and say nothing happens so everything is fine. I told him things I would never ever tell anybody and he did the same with me. I know that alcoholics lie but with getting to know him, I can pretty much tell when he is lying or trying to hide something and when not. He told me things, rarely somebody knows and at the beginning some of his stories were so wild that I could not believe them but with a tiny bit of research, I figured out that everything was true.
This is one of the points that make it extra hard for me to go to a "normal" relation.
Good thing for me is that I never gave myself so much importance in his life that I thought (or think) I could save him from anything. As said, I have zero experience with alcoholics but I do have some experience with anorexia/bulimia and there I learnt how to help them (by actually not helping but just being there). I am also glad that he deliberately keeps me out of everything. He called me a couple of times when he was very drunk and I asked him not to do this anymore and he would stick to it. Never got a drunk call anymore afterwards.
When I read my own words I sound like a moron idealizing and enhancing him
If I just would be clear about my own feelings...I am trying to figure out what it is. It is not love because I have been unhappily in love for a couple of times and this was different. There I was jealouse and I was trying to picture a life with that other person, how it would be to kiss and so on. With him, fortunately I don't. He is not even my type.
Then I thought about saving/helping and so on. It's not that... I never tried to talk him into therapy (because I know it won't have any effect), I never judged him or tried to give him advice on what to do/what not to do. When we talked about his addiction, he usually started to talk about it and I just asked questions out of pure interest because it was a new topic to me and I am generally an interested person in everything that goes on around me.
I have no idea why I have this weird obsession with him. Maybe he told me nice things I wanted to hear but most of them I already heard from other guys and I just can mildly smile about it.
Maybe it is because I cannot talk with anybody around me about the situation. I usually talk lot with my mother about everything but I cannot talk about this with her. She is the child of an alcoholic and alcoholism is a huge red flag for her. Her father (my grandfather) was a heavily addict and very violent and her mother (my grandmother) commited suicide because of him when my mum was about 20. The day he died (caused by alcohol), she went out to celebrate. My mum concluded with her past and is doing fine. I was born many years later so I only marginally heard about it. She only talks about good memories about her mother, hardly ever about her father. If I would tell her that I was close to start a story with an alcoholic, she would completely freak out!
Did I already say that I am glad I found you?
Just to write all this stuff off my heart helps me a lot. Plus I am really good : I managed not to text him since Wednesday! I did not make it more than two days without sending a little message asking how he is or sending him some picture. Huge success for me as a step of letting go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 19
Little update: Avoiding contact simply does not work. But we are both good. He came off his medication much faster as I ever thought and seems to be doing pretty well. I haven't seen him so relaxed and happy in a long time. We just come along so well with eachother...as it seems, we will work even closer together in the near future. For me this is really good, it helps me to still have the contact I actually would like to have but I can keep it professional. He seems to think it the same way. He is still a bit flirty but that's just the way he is. I finally managed to chill it and he caught the signals and went back acting normally with me *phew*. As long as it lasts... his crucial time is yet to come (he always relapsed around 90 days)
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