Westexy

Hi Everyone - Checking in for March to see how everyone is doing and whether anyone has any questions they want to ask the group.

I had a trust setback with my STBxAH that I wrote about in another thread. I never came back to that thread to update it but after he spent the night in our home with our child and with my permission (I have exclusive possession) I found not only a corkscrew with a cork attached in a bathroom cabinet, but two days later found a styrofoam cup with diet coke and vodka in it in the kitchen cabinets.

We both agreed that we will go back to the minimum visitation outlined in the temporary orders and he says that when he comes to see our child he will bring me a breathalyzer and blow both before and after the visit. We'll see about that, but I'm thinking about what to request in our final divorce papers.

Personally, I've passed the initial exhilaration of moving back into our home with no daily contact with an AH. I have been slightly depressed the past few weeks but I feel like I'm coming out of it a bit now and that feels good. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other and check things off of my divorce checklist so that we can wrap up this stage. Right now the paperwork I have to complete feels like an albatross but I'm motivated to get AH off of my payroll. He still doesn't have a job even though he told me two weeks ago that he had two offers he was considering. I knew that was a lie when he said it.

How are YOU? : )

CaptainM

Thanks for this West! I hope you continue to feel a bit better each day. I can relate to a lot of what you mention... down to the piles of paperwork and stbx not having a job. No contact (unless through our attorneys) has helped me. That and just remembering that I don't have to chew off everything at once... bits by bits. Hope you're doing things for YOU.

I cannot believe it's March! (Rabbit rabbit - anyone else do that?) I have had March starred in my mind for a while... this month marks 6 months separated from stbxah which means I can officially file in my state. He continues to be a bit of a jerk but we're making tiny bits of progress. 6 months ago I moved out and into my parents house, so this week I'm getting ALL of my stuff from the martial residence and we're putting it on the market (hope it sells quick). Next stops: filing and then finding my own plan (as much as I've enjoyed living w/my family, it is time )

qtpi

I did the financial paperwork in October and it did feel like an albatross. It was depressing and difficult. My XAH has until March 20th to do his- and as I expected - he is waiting until the very last minute. Then the lawyers will try to reach an agreement and if that is not possible, then we go to court. so it is basically out of my hands now. I was divorced in January. I still don't know if he will agree to filing joint taxes for 2016.

Once everything is settled and split up, then I will make some decisions about retirement, work, buying a home, etc. In the meantime, work is good, life is good, my little apartment is good.

garnetwaters

My divorce was final on Thursday! I guess I got lucky in the fact that he failed to file an answer to the petition after he was served, so I was able to proceed uncontested. I didn't have to go through all the discovery and document collection. He just kind of checked out and defaulted on the divorce. He doesn't even know it happened. It's very strange, but I think "pickled brain" really is a thing. I am going to email him a copy of the decree this weekend after I change the locks. Then I am going to pack up the personal items he left here when he walked out in October and arrange a time for him to come pick it all up.

I felt so alone for so long. I kept everything secret and isolated myself, but reading everyone's stories here helped me realize I was NOT alone. I began to share in al-anon and therapy. Then I began to open up to family and friends. They have all been so supportive. I am extremely lucky and thankful everyday for all the people who lifted me up after being torn down for years.

The past few months of very limited contact with him have done wonders for my mental health and self-esteem. When he does contact me, I use the tools I learned here to keep calm and not engage. In fact, his ringtone is a duck quacking! It reminds me not to get caught up in his crazy addict rage and blame shifting. Since we don't have children, I should be completely no contact with him soon.

Thanks to all of you here who helped me get mentally and emotionally well enough to let go of him and do the best thing for me. I could have never started the process without all the wonderful people here. I could have never have gotten myself well without all the wonderful people here. Thank you all!!!

dandylion

garnetwaters.....I love, love, love the duck quacking ring tone!!
It makes me giggle when I visualize it.....
Have other people heard your phone and wondered about it?...lol....

garnetwaters

LOL. He doesn't call much and when he does it's usually when I am at home, but I did get some strange looks at Walmart the other day when my butt started quacking because my phone was in my back pocket. lol

dandylion

Lol!!!!

LexieCat

LOL @ "butt quacking"--too funny! Given the things one sees at Walmart, getting strange looks there is really an achievement.

Congrats, I'm so happy this went so smoothly for you. Hopefully he cooperates in picking up his stuff, but I wouldn't count on it. If he misses the first "arranged date" then immediately contact a lawyer so you can figure out how to unload his stuff without being legally responsible for it.

garnetwaters

Yeah, my own "people at Walmart" moment, lol.

I plan on having some family present when he picks up and I'm thinking about asking for a constable, too. I had a GREAT attorney and since the divorce was uncontested, I still have some money on retainer. Definitely plan on getting legal help if needed.

Westexy

Congratulations again Garnet. I am beyond thrilled for you.

Westexy

My husband isn't contesting anything and at first I felt very strongly about splitting everything down the middle. But lately, considering that he has his own modest income from a trust and will until he dies, I've been thinking about keeping more than half of some of our retirement assets, like the 401k from my job. All the retirement savings we have is from my employment. The 401k, along with a couple of other retirement accounts is the only retirement income I'll have. But then, I challenge myself and wonder if I'm just getting greedy because he's not contesting anything.I don't want to be greedy, but I also don't want to shortchange myself when I retire. Thoughts? Advice?

dandylion

Don't let "guilt" sneak up on you. You will appreciate every penny when you retire.
don't shortchange yourself (again),
I don't know all the specifics, of course...but that is my general good advice!

Steely

Please don't shortchange yourself. You've been shortchanged enough.

garnetwaters

Please don't feel guilty about asking for what you think you deserve. Texas is a community property state, but it doesn't mean 50/50 like most people think. My lawyer told me it's more about equitable distribution. I am not an attorney, so I can't give legal advice, but my ex didn't save for retirement, he cashed out what he had years ago and he refused to work for the last 5 years. I am a teacher and didn't want him to have my pension because of the reasons above. I was able to keep all my retirement and the judge found my request to be a "just and right division".

Do you have an attorney? They can let you know what is equitable. As I said above that does not really mean 50/50. I started off planning to ask for a 67/33 split on property and each of of keeping our own retirement. Of course XH cashed out his, but that was the original plan and my attorney thought that was doable since I was the only contributor to my retirement and I made every mortgage payment from my bank account and my income. Every case is different, so I really recommend having an attorney guide you through.

I followed my attorney's advice and then we let the judge rule. I have to say though, my settlement was so generous due to many other reasons. We didn't even have to talk about his alcohol and substance abuse and refusal to work for years, we just presented oral testimony of his affairs and the resulting medical issues his cheating caused for me. I ended up with the house, everything in it, and all my retirement. I don't feel guilty at all. The judge would have never given me this if he didn't think it was "just and right".

batchel9

Is or has anyone split up financial assets (like 401ks and pensions) without a lawyer?

LexieCat

I wouldn't try it, personally, and I'm a lawyer. Unless each person is keeping his/her own pension there are a lot of considerations, and I sure wouldn't attempt it without legal advice from someone who understands this stuff. If each is keeping his/her own, it's fairly simple to state that in the agreement, but I wouldn't attempt to split them up without advice.

batchel9

I really would just to like to save money where possible. Especially because we get along well enough to agree on things. The problem is that I have a 401k and pension and he didnt for a long time. Is it a lawyer that I would really need to work with or a financial advisor? Maybe I can find someone that would do consult only...?

Maudcat

Hey, batchel. Many of us who thought they could dissolve a marriage without an attorney soon found themselves in deep water. Get an attorney, a good one. They ate worth their weight in rubies when the rubber inevitably meets the road.

LexieCat

I'd try to find a lawyer who's willing to look over your paperwork and give you the proper wording to accomplish what you've agreed to accomplish. Not everyone would be willing to work that way, but if you make a few calls and say, this is what we've agreed to, and I want to be sure I word it the right way, you might find someone willing to do that. There's a good chance s/he will want to sit down with you and look over the entire agreement. No lawyer can represent both parties to a divorce, but your husband has the right to have his own lawyer look it over, as well.

Remember, it's not really saving money if you make a mistake that is costly down the road.

honeypig

XAH and I did split w/o actually using lawyers, in the usual sense that they are used in a divorce. We were able to do so b/c we have no kids, no debt, separate work-related 401k's, and were in complete agreement about who got what.

BUT--even so, I did have the good fortune to find a lawyer who was willing to look over the paperwork to make sure everything was in order, which gave me a great deal of peace of mind. In addition, she had advised me about separation vs divorce, and that was VERY valuable to me in terms of being able to separate and remain on XAH's health insurance until I got a job w/benefits, as opposed to divorcing right away and having to provide my own insurance or pay the fine.

Getting my health insurance via the Affordable Care setup would have been phenomenally expensive for even the cheapest coverage, more than any other single item in my monthly budget, so that little piece of information right there was well worth the price of hiring a lawyer, which was still very reasonable.

I'd agree w/Lexie that it will be worth it to make sure you don't make a costly mistake that comes back to bite you in the behind when you think it's all done and over with...