Wisconsin

We are signing (and having notarized) our joint divorce filing. I am strangely apprehensive. Now that he has this girlfriend, he is much more willing to move forward with everything without dragging his feet. But he is ALSO less friendly during his "up" phases. I phoned him yesterday afternoon to ask a question about our son, and he didn't answer and never called back--the first time that has EVER happened. It wasn't even remotely an emergency, so I didn't call again. I do not begrudge this man his new relationship or the "honeymoon period" I am sure he's in. I think I'm worried that all of this will signal more hostility in our interactions (which apart from a few episodes over the last 18 months have been relatively hostility-free)--he is a VERY jealous person, and is very good at cultivating jealousy in his partner (assuming she isn't already a jealous type). You guys, I don't WANT to have to deal with him if he and his new girlfriend have convinced themselves and each other that I am horrible. I am feeling like a big whiny baby about the whole thing, because it is 100% out of my control.

I don't LIKE it when people don't like me. I don't LIKE it when people talk trash about me. I don't LIKE it when people "join forces" and feed off each other to bring negativity into my life. As recently as a month ago, STBXAH would make the occasional comment about how I am his oldest and closest friend in our city (which I know is part of his ongoing emotionally abusive pattern, and I have NEVER indicated to him that I have any desire to be friends with him beyond our relationship as co-parents) and now there's a new girlfriend and...nothing. I HOPE and want to believe that this is his priorities adjusting in a healthier way; him realizing now that wanting to talk to your soon to be ex-wife multiple times a day about stuff unrelated to your child is not conducive to moving on with your life. But I also know where he is in his disease, and as usual, I am worried about what the progression of his disease will mean for me, and for our son.

I know the answer to this is to just stay on my side of the street, and remember that they can think and say whatever they want. They have that right and privilege as adults. And THIS is whey his alcoholism really pisses me off--because I feel like I have to stay dialed in to what's going on enough to make sure our son is OK. It is really hard for me to learn where the line is between "dialed in just enough to have necessary information to keep DS safe" and "dialed in in an obsessive and supremely unhealthy way." I'm taking a huge step backward in my recovery tools for this, and re-instituting my old (and very helpful) rule to sit for 30 minutes before contacting him or asking a question. This cooling off period has been very helpful for me in the past, to give me a chance to check my motives--am I really trying to pick a fight? Am I really trying to dig for information that I really have no right to have? Am I trying to exert control over a situation? Time for me to get back to some heavy duty motive-checking...

biminiblue

Also give yourself a little credit. Today it becomes real on the signatures. It's normal to be a little triggery on this type of day.

It's gonna pass. Disengaging is messy.

hopeful4

Oh wow. I understand this.

I too have an issue w/people not liking me. I seem to not be able to help it at times. My X and I tried to be friendly, and when his wife came along, he started to act like I'm some big piece of crap. I won't lie. It does bother me. I stood by his side through so much. However, I have accepted this is how it is, and I have to accept that too. She spreads lies about me, it's hard telling all the negative they have spread around about me. At some point I just had to decide that people know me, and they know them. If they are a good judge of character, they will see quite quickly what is what. If not, they are not worth it.

Take it easy on yourself. This is still a hard time, and face it, when you are with someone long term, the healing takes a long time.

Tight hugs friend.

Wisconsin

I love you guys.

He will be here any minute. I will have to walk him through all the documents, including the ones we will need to submit later, before everything is finalized. I'm wearing my Darth Vader socks for moral support.

And Hopeful, you are so right; I'm pretty sure that STBXAH and his GF do not run in the same circles as me, anyway, since the neighborhood bars are not my go-to socialization spot. Thank heaven for small favors!

hopeful4

Let us know how it goes! Love that you have on those socks!!!!

Tight hugs friend!

thephoenixrises

Wishing you much luck, W!!!! You got this!!! And screw what he and his lovely girlfriend think-and just thank God you aren't her and never will be again!!

Hugs.

FireSprite

Headed out for my commute home from the office soon but I still have fingers crossed for you!

Wisconsin

Done. Four copies signed and notarized, and ready to be filed with the clerk of the court.

firebolt

Aww - glad that is over for you, I'm sure it is bittersweet, no matter how happy you are.

I'm no help on the kid / dealing with the XAH front...I just can't imagine how much that would suck at times....but I know this...

The force is strong in Wisconsin! (((HUGS)))

Maudcat

All right then. Glad to hear it went okay.

letitend

I feel you on so many levels with your original post. I am learning the art of detachment. I am glad it is over. I am sure the socks helped.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ Yep me too! Congrats for next step taken . . . I imagine it was not easy.

Delilah1

Hopefully you are able to breathe a little easier now that it is done.

Wisconsin

Thanks, all. I took the papers to the courthouse today and filed them. We have a four month waiting period here, but since we are filing pro se, one of us (me) has to meet with the family court's paralegal to make sure our final paperwork is in order before we can get our final hearing on the court's calendar. I have told STBXAH that I expect him to have completed his parenting class and given me the certificate by March 17, and that we are to finalize and sign all the final paperwork by then so that I can schedule the meeting with the paralegal and get our hearing scheduled as soon after May 13 as possible.

FireSprite

I searched for this "quote" last night to share here, but it's so long because it's actually an excerpt from the Four Agreements, specifically #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally. This passage is what gave me my AHA moment about this topic because like you, this stuff used to keep me up at night:



The Four Agreements: #2 Don’t Take Anything Personally
don Miquel Ruiz

Imagine that you are in a gigantic mall where there are hundreds of movie theaters. You look around to see what’s playing, and you notice a movie that has your name. Amazing! You go inside the theater and it’s empty except for one person. Very quietly, trying not to interrupt, you sit behind that person who doesn’t even notice you; all her attention is on the movie.

You look at the screen, and what a surprise! You recognize every character in the movie — your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, your beloved, your children, your friends. Then you see the main character of the movie, and it’s you! You are the star of the movie and it’s the story of you. And that person in front of you, well, it’s also you, watching yourself act in the movie. Of course, the main character is just the way you believe you are, and so are all the secondary characters, because, well, you know the story of you. After awhile, you feel a little overwhelmed by everything you just witnessed, and you decide to go to another theater.

In this theater there’s also just one person watching a movie, and she doesn’t even notice when you sit beside her. You start watching the movie, and you recognize all the characters, but now you’re just a secondary character. This is the story of your mother’s life, and she is the one who is watching the movie with all her attention. Then you realize that your mother is not the same person who was in your movie. The way she projects herself is completely different in her movie. It’s the way your mother wants everyone to perceive her. You know that it’s not authentic. She’s just acting. But then you begin to realize that it’s the way she perceives herself, and it’s kind of a shock.

Then you notice that the character who has your face is not the same person who was in your movie. You say to yourself, “Ah, this isn’t me,” but now you can see how your mother perceives you, what she believes about you, and it’s far from what you believe about yourself. Then you see the character of your father, the way your mother perceives him, and it’s not at all the way you perceive him. It’s completely distorted, and so is her perception of all the other characters. You see the way your mother perceives your beloved, and you even get a little upset with your mom. “How dare she!“ You stand up and get out of there.

You go to the next theater, and it’s the story of your beloved. Now you can see the way your beloved perceives you, and the character is completely different than the one who was in your movie and the one who was in your mother’s movie. You can see the way he perceives your children, your family, your friends. You can see the way he wants to project himself, and it’s not the way you perceive him at all. Then you decide to leave that movie, and go to your children’s movie. You see the way your children see you, the way they see grandpa, grandma, and you can hardly believe it. Then you watch the movies of your brothers and sisters, your friends, and you find out that everybody is distorting all the characters in their movie.

After seeing all these movies, you decide to return to the first theater to see your own movie once again. You look at yourself acting in your movie, but you no longer believe anything you’re watching; you no longer believe your own story, because you can see that it’s just a story. Now you know that all the acting you did your whole life was really for nothing because nobody perceives you the way you want to be perceived. You can see that all the drama that happens in your movie isn’t noticed by anybody around you. It’s obvious that everybody’s attention is focused on their own movie. They don’t even notice when you’re sitting right beside them in their theater! The actors have all their attention on their story, and that is the only reality they live in. Their attention is so hooked by their own creation, that they don’t even notice their own presence, the one who is observing their movie.

In that moment, everything shifts for you. Nothing is the same anymore, because now you see what’s really happening. People live in their own world, their own movie, their own story. They invest all their faith in that story, and that story is truth for them, but it’s a relative truth, because it’s not truth for you. Now you can see that all their opinions about you really concern the character who lives in their movie, not in yours. The one who they are judging in your name is a character they create. Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you.

At this point, it’s clear that the people you love the most don’t really know you, and you don’t know them either. The only thing you know about them is what you believe about them. You only know the image you created for them, and that image has nothing to do with the real people. You thought that you knew your parents, your spouse, your children, and your friends very well. The truth is you have no idea what is going on in their world, what they are thinking, what they are feeling, what they are dreaming. What is even more surprising is that you thought you knew yourself. Then you come to the conclusion that you don’t even know yourself, because you’ve been acting for so long that you’ve mastered pretending to be what you are not.

With this awareness, you realize how ridiculous it is to say, “My beloved doesn’t understand me. Nobody understands me.” Of course they don’t. You don’t even understand yourself. Your personality is always changing from one moment to the next, according to the role you are playing, according to the secondary characters in your story, according to the way you are dreaming at that time. At home, you have a certain personality. At work, your personality is completely different. With your female friends, it’s one way; with your male friends, it’s another way. But all your life you made the assumption that other people knew you so well, and when they didn’t do what you expected them to do, you took it personally, reacted with anger, and used the word to create a lot of conflict and drama for nothing.

Now it’s easy to understand why there is so much conflict between humans. The world is populated by billions of dreamers who aren’t aware that people are living in their own world, dreaming their own dream. From the point of view of the main character, which is their only point of view, everything is all about them. When the secondary characters say something that doesn’t agree with their story, they get so angry, and try to defend their point of view. They want the secondary characters to be the way they want them to be, and if they are not, they feel so hurt. They take everything personally. With this awareness, you also understand the solution. It’s something so simple and logical: Don’t take anything personally.

_____________________________

Excerpted from The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery. Copyright © 2010 by Miguel Angel Ruiz, M.D., Jose Luis Ruiz, and Janet Mills.

hopeful4

Awesome news!

Do you have to appear in court Wisconsin?

My X and I both agreed on everything and then my attorney submitted to the court. Even though a date was scheduled, since it was uncontested the judge was able to simply review the docs and sign off on it before the court date, which was then cancelled.

I know it works differently all over the place. I am relieved for you friend!

Nata1980

Congratulations on a big step!

I understand how you feel. I get that way at times. And then I remember that, although sober, ex husband is in early stages of recovery and is as crazy as they come.

It is good to wish them well - but at the end of the day, he and his GF are just a couple of ill people, neighborhood bar going alcoholics (IMO neighborhood bars are a depressing sight where I live. They most likely like themselves less then they like you. Typical active alcoholic spends their time drinking and moaning about how their life stinks and everyone around them stinks and here they are, misunderstood shining stars with deep secret pain.

I know this intellectually, still struggling with practice.

Carol Star

I have learned in my own recovery that no matter what they do -my part is my reaction.

LexieCat

Awesome--things are falling into place.

And don't borrow trouble--I think you are looking for any signs that this is going straight into the toilet once you have the paperwork signed. I get it--I always get nervous when things seem to be going suspiciously smoothly.

Wisconsin

Yes, I will have to appear. We are both pro se, and local court rules are that at least one party needs to appear. Hopefully STBXAH won't have to, though.