Hummer

Hi everyone,

I wasn't going to mention that I knew about my husband consuming alcohol in secret until Christmas had passed (couldn't face making him spend xmas alone again like I did this year) .

There was less chance for him to consume while we are at my home (Scotland) during the hols and there was the usual tension brewing (maybe this is the case for all couples during holiday season - not just those of us with active addicts?) I returned to work this morning and while there I received text message asking if he should just make my decision easier and pack and leave (return to England).

I said that we do now need to have a conversation about him still drinking and me knowing about it etc

He said that I had a plan to end marriage after hols and he would have preferred to know beforehand (can't win). I reminded him that he had been sabotaging our marriage for years. Hadn't got himself into a recovery programme etc

The conversation did turn a little negative. I told him that I thought he was a good person and that I hope and pray for him that he gets himself into recovery as I can't do active addiction any longer.

To shorten this slightly, I explained that if he didn't start a recovery plan of some sort right now then just to leave keys under mat.

He took this to mean that my mind was made up and he said that I ended things....

I am now home from work and the house is empty. He has packed his things but has left behind the Christmas gifts I bought for him and also his wedding ring.

I feel shaky, overwhelmed and so sad - many tears after holding it together all day. On the other hand I have a slightly feeling of it being out of my hands now - I will pray for him and that he can become free of this awful addiction.

I would just like to hear from you guys as it feels very lonely at the moment.

thousandwords53

Hugs to you. He took what you said and twisted it to the path of least resistance to alcohol. Placed the "decision" on you...really it was up to him. And it is out of your hands now. You gave him a choice, he made it.
Makes it easier on you. Even though you are feeling terrible and sad now, you will be ok. He will be...however he decides to be. But you won't have to be there to watch and worry and become angry and resentful...

Better advice and input is on the way I'm sure. Again, hugs to you.

RollTide

Hummer,

I don't have many words of wisdom other than to say I know how you feel and that there will be better days in the future. Just breathe.

honeypig

My heart is with you, Hummer--I'm sorry for all the feelings you must have right now. Like RollTide said, just keep breathing. Feel the sadness, feel the emptiness and grief--and know that on the other side of that are good things that you can't even picture yet.

Sending you strength and comfort. You are not alone, no matter how lonely you might feel.

Hummer

Thank you so much. Your supportive comments are really helping me xx

Kboys

Big hugs Hummer
I know these feelings well.
They were the most difficult that I've ever had to deal with...
It is just so so painful, but it will get better.
It's good you're here. SR was and is my best comfort at my most desperate moments.
You're not alone.

Berrybean

So sorry Hummer. At least you know where things stand now. You never know, maybe this will prove to be the rock bottom he needs to take his addiction seriously and start looking for help to get sober, once he's finished with the self-pity that he's likely to be indulging in just now. His AV will be telling him that it's unreasonable of you to ask him to stop drinking, and that he shouldn't if he tried, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Are you getting some support from AlAnon or similar? Please make sure you reach out and let people help you. People in AlAnon or friends and family who you trust.

Sending prayers for you tonight.

BB

AnvilheadII

it's tough when we give them an "either or" and they choose the OR. standing firm in our boundaries, our wants and our needs, can feel lonely sometimes. when we change and no longer accept the unacceptable, the cast of usual suspects in our lives changes as well.

it's a bit like popping a dislocated shoulder back into place....according to the movies at least, you get a good running start at something hard, slam your shoulder into it and POP there it goes.

and then it hurts like holy hell.

for a while. not forever. but most "healing" comes with some degree of pain or discomfort.

until one day it doesn't

Hummer

So yesterday AH left and left his wedding ring on the table (that was massive as far as I'm concerned) and today he is asking if he can drive back home....
I told him no.

Similar situation this time last year but the main difference was me feeling enormous guilt.

During This year I have attended counselling sessions for me and learned a lot about what is acceptable/unacceptable to me as well as reading tons on this website on an almost daily basis. I have learned so much on here from others' testimonies and the advice given by fellow members. All of this really has enabled me to enforce my needs on this occasion.

I replied to my AH today to say that he should stay away, focus on his recovery if that's what he has chosen to do and when he has a solid period of sobriety and recovery under his belt we may be able to have another conversation - I learned that on here and it makes a lot of sense to me - I don't feel anywhere near as guilty as I did 12 months ago. I have handed this over to my higher power and will see what happens.

That doesn't mean to say I'm not distraught at the prospect of my marriage being over, I am planning a very quiet life during the next while to grieve and recover.
I haven't been to any al anon meetings yet but I am thinking of going.

Best wishes to all of you in similar places and many thanks to all of you who share and advise - it really is a form of therapy.

NYCDoglvr

You will survive this, so many of us have endured the same pain and awareness that our life is changing. A big hug.

Hummer

I posted yesterday about my AH leaving etc

I told him to stay away and get in recovery etc

This morning I'm getting ready for work and he arrives at my door saying he's ready for recovery.

he's travelled 16 hours round trip.

Told him how upsetting this is and how I wanted him IN recovery before we had any more discussions. He said he is prepared to do the recovery, knows alcohol will kill him if not but wants to remain married in a relationship with me while he does the recovery.

I'm feeling shock and all sorts of confusion.

Told him I didn't know what to do and so he says it's maybe better if he left - I didn't stop him but I'm so upset - should I have helped and is he safe/rational enough to drive another 8 hours back

Seren

Hello Hummer,

So he storms out because you asked him to decide what he wanted to do...and he did. Then he shows up back at your door? Does he not know where he needs to go for recovery work? Surely he can do this on his own and then get in touch with you? I don't know how recovery systems work in the UK, but is there not a number he can call to get the help he needs on his own?

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3842631

Hummer, this link provides information about recovery resources in the UK. Perhaps you can provide him with this information?

Berrybean

Helped by doing what?

Maybe he isn't safe for another 8 hours travelling, but you are not his mother. He is not a child. I personally suspect that if you'd caved and let him in he'd have forgotten all about recovery. He travelled back to be in the house, because that's what he wants. When you see him put the same effort into getting well, then perhaps start believing him.

If the worse than comes to the worst he can have a little kip in his car. Or check into a hostel or hotel. Keep those boundaries no matter how much he tests them, because once you've taken them down they're a bugger to reconstruct. Stay strong.

Ladybird579

He 's quacking. Telling you what you want to hear so he can continue as things were. I am glad you didn't let him in. If he is safe to drive or not is not your concern. He's a grown man. You didn't want him there and didn't ask him to come to your house. Stick to your guns xx

schnappi99

Grown man asking for help recovering after leaving in a temper tantrum?

As if this stuff is kept secret.. 5 minutes on google or whatever would find an extensive list of all kinds, nothing is stopping from from doing that and choosing among them. It seems more likely he's trying to get back to a comfy spot.

Concur with those above, you did a fantastic job on handling your boundary don't give up halfway.

honeypig

Absolutely this. Wouldn't it have made so much more sense for him to have spent that 16 hours searching for a detox/rehab w/an opening, or attending AA meetings as often as he could find one? Isn't that what someone seriously seeking recovery would do?

When I think of the hoops XAH jumped thru to keep me from knowing what was going on, the constant lies, the elaborate deceptions--if he'd spent 1/100th of that effort on recovery, he'd have been a sobriety superstar! I excused, I justified, I pretended and hoped too--but eventually I understood what the AA Big Book meant by this: "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it--then you are ready to take certain steps."

ANY length. That is what it will take.

Praying

If it helps, with my live-in BF, I experienced the exact same scenario--he left, taking even stupid bathroom toiletries, purposefully leaving only gifts I had given him on top of the dresser. He said I hurt his kids, I'd never see them again, and yanked them out of the house. It was so much drama.

An hour later he was back making promises and wanting to stay. There was so much guilt being thrown around. (Luckily?) for me, I'd done it before with XAH, and I knew I didn't have to own it. I held firm.

Do the same for you. :-) It stinks, but it will be worth it. Promises and trying and planning mean nothing at this stage. Hang in there.

Hugs.

Maudcat

Stay strong, hummer. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He wants back in, where he can drink safely and his life goes on just as before. Oh, and about the wedding ring? Ime, alcoholics are all about the dramatic gesture. It isn't anything more than theater. Got into a huge fight with my alcoholic sib this week. Still bristling from it. He told me he "is leaving (my mother's house, his own cozy little drinking nook). "I am out of here!" Right. Couldn't even get out of the chair he was drinking in, and he's leaving? Huh.

Carol Star

" LIKE SURGERY WITH A HACKSAW"--I heard somewhere........good people-bad disease.......