RollTide

"wants to remain married in a relationship with me while he does the recovery."

Of course he does. He's an alcoholic. It's ALL about what HE wants.

You also need time to recover away from his drama. He either will or will not get serious about recover. You can change your life by stepping out of the storm.

Hummer

Thank you each and everyone of you for all the amazing support and sharing your experiences too.

Thanks also for the link Seren - I have passed it along.

I am going away tomorrow to stay with sister for New Year. Just wanted to acknowledge all the help I'm receiving here before I go as I won't have a lot of internet signal over next few days - couldn't have done this without you all - I truly mean that.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2017.

Hummer

AH didn't return to England when he left me a few days ago. Think he must have stayed in hotel locally. He spent time with his 18 year old daughter etc

I spent a couple of days away with my sister with phone off.

Then, yesterday I get a call from step daughter, she's in tears saying she's just realised her dad (my AH) is under the influence and has been driving them around town shopping, lunch etc

They are outside my home so I tell her and him to come inside. She is tearful and shaken and he is distraught, sobbing, full of shame for what he has done, drinking and driving etc

I get him to call NHS 24 to ask about emergency detox. To cut a long story short - they gave advice over the telephone and advised he go straight to GP today but he's just callled and they aren't open until Wednesday 😤

Stepdaughter wants to stay here for a day or two with him until he's seen the GP then he can return. He's not feeling well today - hungover I guess! But I'm concerned that there may be withdrawals coming soon that neither of us knows how too deal with safely.

I could scream - I thought I was coming back to my new way of life - I suppose it's just delayed by a few days then he will have to return to his job in England and his daughter will hopefully feel less anxious if she sees him sober for couple of days.

He was asleep early yesterday evening and step daughter asked me if I ever worried that he cheated on me like he did with her mum. I said that I didn't exactly trust him after finding texts from another female a couple of years ago. She went on to tell me a story from a foreign holiday she was on with my AH a few years back, I didn't go with them as my daughter was expecting her first baby. On this holiday AH was drinking with other holiday makers and seems stepdaughter was sent to room to get ready for eve meal etc - she was suspicious so she kept a look out and saw my AH going into his room with one of the women...!!!
This would have been 2012 approx 6 months into our marriage and BEFORE I discovered his drinking problem ( so things were really ok between us at that time) . She confronted him and he was tearful asking her not to tell me - that he'd do it himself. For all of this time she believed that he'd told me and I had chosen to forgive and move on.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted - a tiny part of me thought that MAYBE if he got solid recovery and sobriety we could revisit the possibility of reconciliation a lot further down the line but now that's gone.

I feel so tense, sad, anxious and I know that when these next couple of days are out of the way and stepdaughter and AH leave - that's it and while I know I deserve better it's still painful.

Onwards and upwards - thanks for listening and I'd love to hear views.

Berrybean

The docs may be shut, but you can bet your belly button that there will be an AA or NA meeting going on somewhere near you either at lunchtime today, or this evening. To be honest, the UK docs aren't (in my experience ) too great with advising re alcohol issues anyway. They tend to point at the safe limits chart, give you a leaflet to help you remember how much you should be drinking, and tell you to moderate. If you get a good one they will signpost you to addiction recovery facilities in your area, and may put you on a referral list. A lot of councils have an alcohol and drugs counselling service, and often they are based on the concept of moderation. *Eye roll*. Like we didn't try THAT before we got desperate enough to drag our sorry selves (or allow ourselves to be dragged) along to the surgery.

If you do decide to look up meetings in your area, 'Open' means you (as a not addict or alcoholic) would be able to go in with him. ' Closed' means it's alcoholics or addicts only. You don't need to tell anyone in advance that you're going, you just turn up, even as a Newcomer.

Good luck.

LexieCat

Not everyone gets dramatic withdrawal symptoms. I basically felt like I had the flu for a few days. If he develops any scary symptoms, call 911 (or your local equivalent), but otherwise, he needs rest and fluids (the healthy kind), food as he can. And yes, I'd suggest seeing if he would allow someone from AA to come over. When someone is at his lowest point, that's when s/he is likely to be most receptive to the notion of getting sober. Not that it's your responsibility to see him through this, but it would be a kindness to his daughter if he's willing.

hope778

I'm sorry Hummer At the very least, I hope the story from from AH's daughter will move you closer to closure on your relationship with him...

I had convinced myself that AH was out of options (didn't have money for rehab, no open spots at the detox facility, etc.) but there is always a way. It is time to start looking at his actions, and ignoring his promises for now. He may mean his promises in the moment, but the actions speak much, much louder and truer. I am hoping the best for you!

dandylion

Hummer....As someone w ho has detoxed hundreds of alcoholics....if will suggest that you not prevent him from drinking...until he gets to the GP doctor.....
Personally, I would not want anyone going into withdrawl (and possiblly withdrawl seizures), on my watch......

Eddiebuckle

Hi Hummer,

The first few days are really rough. If your AH is able to get to a meeting, that would be good - crossing the threshold of an AA meeting is incredibly hard to do. I did do with extreme reluctance, this was after returning home from a 6 week stay at an inpatient treatment center. If your AH experiences extreme discomfort, consider taking him to the local emergency ward - alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs to withdraw from (strokes, seizures, etc.). Otherwise, rest, hydration & vitamins are helpful.

Ultimately, nobody can make him want to get sober. Until he makes the commitment to make sobriety his highest priority, it most likely will not last.

I just started re-reading "The Road Less Traveled" and it opens with a really good description of the crossroads an alcoholic and his loved ones find themselves:
Stick to your swim lane on this, focus on your own growth. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it is the only sustainable way forward. Wishing you all the best in the new year.

Hummer

Thank you for the info re withdrawal. Thankfully nothing dramatic on that score. Been wondering if he should actually be seeking out a new GP and referral in England as it makes more sense for the long term but seems I'm stuck for now as my stepdaughter will be more reassured after he's seen a medical professional.

Does everyone think that the incident on holiday in 2012 is completely unacceptable? And that it is a completely separate issue from the addiction?
So tired just not able to fully trust my own thoughts and feelings at the moment.

Ariesagain

He cheated on you with his daughter present and made his daughter keep that secret from you. Bad and worse.

It also begs the question of what he's done when there weren't any witnesses, especially since you live apart so much.

Berrybean

Of course it's unacceptable. It's just an example of one of the many ways addicts end up behaving that is contrary to how they would do if they were sober, clean and free from their addictive thinking. It's no coincidence that in AA, of the 4 inventories we are asked to complete, one of them is the Sex / Relationships Inventory. And that is the one most AAs most fear completing. Sex is linked to instant gratification and ego - both very big factors in alcoholic / addict thinking and behaviour. I should imagine that he's carried a lot of shame for that incident over the years. While he's still actively drinking he's not going to get to the bottom of that, or even have the capacity to be honest about it to himself, let alone you. If he gets sober and starts working a program of recovery with support, the he will be able to start unravelling his past behaviour and use that understanding to start changing. For now, I suspect that bringing get it up is likely to make a bad situation worse. Bide your time. It sounds like there's enough madness to deal with at the moment.

Prayers for you and all involved.

BB

dandylion

Hummer....for me, whenever there is infidelity in a committed relationship....it says, to me, that trust is a big issue in the relationship......
For me...trust is a very important ingredient in a relationship...
Once it is broken...it is a long road to regaining it, again...if it is possible, at all....

I have found, for me, that trust and respect are the two biggest elements in the foundation of a relationship.....they are not the only things...lol...but, if these are not present...it is hard for a relationship to properly thrive....

I will go, further, out on a limb, and say that with alcoholism/addictions....it is impossible for any relationship to thrive...because, the disease dictates that the person is not emotionally available to the relationship, in the first place...Hell. it is impossible for the alcoholic to be present for himself....much less, some one else.....
You cannot expect a person to give something that they do not have.....

SparkleKitty

Yes, completely unacceptable, and yes, separate from the addiction.

Eddiebuckle

Without question on both counts - though I am not sure how you could raise this specific incident without dragging his daughter into it. It seems to me that it has more value in guiding your choices going forward than debating his in the past.

Hummer

Hi again,

AH and I been on good terms and he's sober, his daughter much more relaxed so some progress.

Only, I have been seeing all of this and thinking 'why can't I have this normal life?' and its made me feel such sadness and I have been struggling with the tears all day. I'm a bit of a mess and can usually keep a lid on things.

Step daughter went home earlier and AH and I had discussion about what happens next. We know he goes to do his recovery alone.

Anyway, many tears later, he has left as I was struggling to stay under the same roof under these conditions - acting as though we are ok was wreaking havoc with my emotions. I have spent last hour sobbing - I feel bereft even though I knew it was coming.

It does feel bad knowing that he cheated on me 4 years ago - I never mentioned it though for his daughters sake amongst others.

Have I done the right thing - just so raw at the moment and very scared - my life just doesn't feel like mine - I don't recognise it. I spent every other week travelling between Scotland/England - my diary will feel empty too - may seem trivial but it's just adding to my fear of the unknown.

elihoping

Hi Hummer, the only way I know how to deal with this is to get busy. When my ex and I broke up (pretty regularly), I used to fill my spare time up with meeting friends, classes etc. If you're going to al anon, that can fill up time too. My aim was always to be so tired by the time I got to bed, I'd fall asleep right away.

You can have a normal, lovely life. It just doesn't really happen around an active alcoholic. I know this is hard but it sounds like you're doing so well. Hugs to you.

LexieCat

Change is ALWAYS disorienting. Just rest assured that this is a temporary feeling. You will make the adjustments to your life, and it will go on. There will be a period of grieving, but that's normal, too, and necessary. It won't last forever.

Hugs,

honeypig

Hummer, the first post in this thread might be helpful to you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-reader.html

Like the saying goes, "when one door closes, another one opens--but it's hell in the hallway between times!"

PhoenixJ

Prayers

hopeful4

It's horrible, and separate.

I am sorry friend. Sending lots of hugs!