D122y

So back from a Xmas visit and I was left a bit sad...but happily sober.

I used to be the drunkest one in my family.

My Dad, me, and siblings would drink at least one night like there was no tomorrow.

My Dad and I would be a bit drunk most of the day...everyday.

This trip, I remained sober going on 20 months.

My drunk family seemed more distant. They seemed to almost make fun of my sobriety.

I will not drink over it, but could use some advice from those w experience in this area.

Thanks.

BrendaChenowyth

It's defensiveness... They perceive your behavior as opposition to theirs and it makes them question whether they are right or wrong... They have insecurities about their drinking.

Mklove

Yes, I was much more sought out for companionship by my mother and sibling when I drank. Mom just wants me to be okay, I went into sobriety with liver issues so if I could drink again it would make me healthy, normal. She's really bright and of course is supportive so it goes just fine. She sends me to get special bottles of wine if needed. Sister is defensive, questions herself, I agree Brenda. I like being sober.

entropy1964

Hey D

20 months. That is amazing. I hope you are really proud of yourself because that's a huge achievement.

I'm sorry your family doesn't seem supportive. Feeling not 'a part of' is hard for sure. I don't know what they are thinking or why. I can only say that what you're doing is for you and I know you know that.

Not sure how often you see the family. If it's only a few times a year (like me, if that really) they may need time to get used to the new you. And maybe you're still figuring out how the new you relates to the same old them. Family dynamics are tough.

You're an inspiration!

Dee74

The male members of my family were disappointed I think - especially my dad.
He liked the bonding thing.

He eventually saw I was much happier and healthier tho - I think everyone did.

Noone seems disappointed anymore

D

Algorithm

I would not take it personally. Heavy drinkers tend not to trust former drinkers. They can see their own reflection in the mirror you hold up, but they are probably not even aware of why. They will eventually adjust to your new normal.

If you challenge their normal, however, there could be fireworks.

instant

When I drank my emotional frame of reference was dominated by alcohol. There was not much room for anything else. I think that when people drink or are drinkers they are not experiencing the circumstances the same.

Notimetoloose

I can literally remember thinking, ' Never trust a teetotaller'!.....gosh, we only know what we know!.....Congratulations on 20 months.

5upersonic

I've found responses to be mixed, with only the odd one not being generally supportive. One commented snidely that 'I'd grow out of it' as he staggered and slurred his way through the evening.

My sobriety is too important to me to let such comments bother me, particularly when you consider the motives.

ChloeRose63

My boyfriend likes and hates my sobriety. He likes that I am not abnoxious at get togethers anymore. He likes that I don't hide out in my room drinking wine secretly. But, he hates my quiet independence, my clear thinking that makes me smarter and yes, I do still spend alot of time in my room posting on SR!
"You can't please everyone so ya gotta please yourself"

Splash29

Me too. My mom encourages me to drink wine when I'm trying to stay sober. Its so hard to stay sober around my family. Then I do drink and go over board, black out and then they tease me for that.

Ariesagain

Families tend to fall into roles...the pretty one, the smart one, the drunk one...stepping out of those assignments tends to disrupt things for a bit.

My first response was two words and the first one was "tough."

They will get over it or not...either way, huge congratulations to you for 20 months!

Maudcat

Families, arrrgghhh! You are doing great! Keep your sobriety squarely in front and forget about what your relatives think. They are not you.

SoCalDude

It's hard to change people place and things when it's your family. Just make sure you keep a good reminder surrounding you, such as your phone/SR Forums, or a good book on recovery to retreat to when you're in the hardest of times staying sober. At the end of the day, your life is worth it.

heartcore

Remember, too, that alcohol has been (through history) a social lubricant, a connector, a symbol and tool of celebration. Some folks (um, that's us) have misused or abused it to a point that we need to choose abstinence. But it isn't odd that our families (some of whom abuse alcohol and some of whom use it normally as a celebratory connection) would miss sharing that space with us.

I/we, settled firmly in our sobriety and happy with our lives, sometimes miss that sense of easy connection that alcohol once provided (usually before we over-used it). I think its ok to accept that they miss the shared ritual with us too.

I was very private about my over-use of alcohol. Not a single person in my family would have labelled me an alcoholic or out of control. They did/do not understand my abstinence, and thus my absence in that shared holiday energy (even if I am there).

I don't think it always means that others see a reflection of dysfunction in our choices; I think sometimes they just miss that other, previous us. Sometimes I miss my previous self too. But that doesn't mean I want to move backward in my life, it just means there were some sweet spots there also (we don't regret the past, but nor do we wish to close the door on it...).

Most of my original family has passed now. I'm building new rituals in the holidays, and also having to do some acceptance about alone time (just me and the pup sometimes, with the Christmas lights on and something yummy to eat). Simple, a little lonely - but just the way it is...

Jillwink

D
Congratulations on your sobriety! Aren't you proud of yourself? I believe that those who are less supportive, by whatever action, want you to continue drinking to justify their drinking. Just stay strong for yourself, and don't preach or criticize them. Someday, they may realize how much happier and healthier you are, and may start asking you questions about it.

Bunny211

My family seems to think that because I am not longer drinking I will be happy as a clam. No, now I have to deal with all the wreckage I created. Things are just as bad as when I was drinking...only now I am aware of my situation.

BrendaChenowyth

"Here taste this"
Usually either a homemade "moonshine" in a new flavor or some kind of cheese dip with beer in it
"One taste won't hurt you"
Shut the **** up.

BrendaChenowyth

Yeah I am not allowed to have different moods, or I need to "get help" or go on medication.

cusper

It's funny how alcohol plays such a role in our social lives. How it is basically at every function we attend. I see how angry people get when they find out an event is non-alcoholic! (a wedding or a birthday). It is the same thing with my family when I quit. They didn't like it. The heavy drinkers would tell me I wasn't that bad and encourage me just to have a couple!! Or they would almost apologize for every drink they poured in front of me and funnily enough they made more of a scene about it than necessary. It's their issue. I am sure in the back of their minds they might be questioning their choices if they are big drinkers. what else could it be?
My aunt said to me last night that she didn't understand how I could hang out with everyone drinking and still have a good time. Thing is I think people who drink think that if you quit you will judge them. Sometimes that is true. (my uncle quit years ago and he just is mean- every christmas preaching at everyone )
But for the most part I think once they get used to the fact that you don't drink it will be less of an issue as time goes by.
And if they make fun of you, you know that is ridiculous. You are taking care of yourself and it is their insecurities.

Either way 20 months is incredible!! Sobriety can be difficult enough as it is, let alone unsupportive family members. Luckily we can pick our friends and surround ourselves with the people who will support our healthy choices. You never know what you're doing could be setting the stage in the future. I found that when I quit for 20 months before some of my heavy drinking family members would take me aside and start asking me questions about my experience and how I did it. Which was truly shocking because some of them I have considered "lifers". I've always directed them to this site. I think it's great you stuck to your choice to remain sober. It can be especially difficult when it comes to the holidays.