lilly54

I have found that now I know what he is doing again (drinking and the internet sex stuff) even though he has moved out, that I am checking on him, going to all the old sites that I knew he regularly went to .... the chat sites he went to and just seeing if I can find him out there and of course I have,,,found him that is,,,,
I tell myself that it is because I want to prove to him that I know what he is doing and that he can no longer hurt me with his "found again lifestyle"...
But, I know that it is ,,,raising my own flag here....
Why am I having such a hard time detaching myself from him and just letting go. errrrrrrr...I hate this.... and that I even have the need to check on him....why is it that after I have finally taken 50 steps forward that I taken 51 backwards ..... most of all I hate that I still love him...

So, am I the only one.... I hope not...

Thanks,
Lilly

ASpouse

That's a good question. Why do you think you do it? So you can say "neener, neener, neener, I was right about you all along"?

Does it really matter at this point what he is doing and why?

Keep yourself busy with YOURSELF ..... have fun by yourself, do something you enjoy. He is doing what he enjoys and you need to do the same.

If you are checking up on him, you are not detaching and you are not following the steps. Let it alone and get busy for YOURSELF.

lilly54

You are right,,,I don't think it is a "I was right" as much as "Why didnt you get tell me the truth instead of lieing".
You are also right that I find I want to do it when I have down time and I am not busy..dwelling on the "what did I do wrong" instead of the "need to do the Steps to heal".
Thank You

tarver

Love is not a feeling or an emotion that can be turned on and off. Of course you still love your AL. He has a disease. You wouldn't quit loving him if he had cancer? You can still love him (wihtout feeling guilty about it) but it sounds like a good dose of detachment is in order. I can tell you from experience I was 9 months pregnanat, out driving on icy roads looking for my AL, when I finally realized that this is a "family" disease. I realized I was acting like the one with the disease. My AL wasn't out on the slippery roads, he was safe and warm (at his favorite bar) having a cup (or 2) of holiday cheer with his pals.

Take the focus off of him (even for a short period of time) and go do something for yourself....a bubble bath, a good book or even a trip to Wal-Mart. Anything that does not revolve around the AL. I have learned that detachment in small doses helps those like myself (that feel the need to solve all problems) to accept the right to focus on ourselves! Hang in there!

lilly54

Good Advice.... and I am trying to detach and some days I do a really good job then there are others where I can't not matter how hard I try.
I wish my AH understood that I can't turn off my feelings because he wants me to, but that is asking to much.

lilly54

ASpouse, no it don't matter what he is doing or why, not really....just hurts that he is and that we didn't make it...some days are just harder then others and today seems to be one of them.

skyleh

OH my goodness that is ME...I need him to know that I know what he is doing...I am leaving in 12 days....going back to my home town..we are in the middle of a divorce..and I have wanted to prove what I know he is doing...for me it is because he is blaming our breakup and everything on ME...that there is something wrong with me..and not with him. I admit there is something wrong with me..I am working on that everyday..but this is not all about me...

Good luck to you..you are not alone

lilly54

Glad to see i am not alone in this. This detachment stuff is hard, specially after going thru everything together then for it to just be over,, in a blink of an eye and for him to go back to everything he worked so hard to stop...
No it is not your fault...us codie are not prefect but we didnt't get to where we are alone either...

JessicaNAJ

Lilly - you are not alone. I find excuses to call my husband. I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure it's because I "have to know what he's doing" - basically, I'm checking on him. But ASpouse is right he's doing what he enjoys and you should too.

hugs!

lilly54

Jessica, I know your right but I did enjoy being married to my AH , most of the time anway..when things were good they were good and super bad when bad.. I guess I still want to help him and feel needed .
I am working on those feeling and trying to understand them and deal with them and the fact that I can't fix him and that it okay to be alone.

DenYES

... can't this type of reaction relate directly to our own lack of self-esteem? No matter how I remind myself that it doesn't matter what others think of me, I still let things nag at me. See .. I know what you're up to .. I'm not an idiot, so don't act like I am ... again, caring what that other person thinks of me.

In the long run, it's me who has to look at me in the mirror and it's me who must live with me first .. I try very hard not to let others' opinions, twisted, sick or otherwise, affect me. I'm still at the point where the majority of the time I fail .. but, hey, I'm aware and I'll continue to work on that part of me, with God's help.

My heart knows what they think of me doesn't matter .. my heart knows that everyone .. me, you and every soul out there .. has issues of our own and that twisted views of me that others have may very well stem from their own issues and most likely have nothing to do with me at all ... isn't it wonderful to find a place like this where you'll find compassion, understanding, honesty and support. Just awesome.

I guess that's my way of thanking you all for being here for me and others and for sharing your experiences. How wonderful it is to actually feel as though we're not alone!

StandingStrong

For me, I found that part of my always having to know the truth was so that I felt justified in my feelings. It was my way of trying to protect myself from others thinking I was the "bad guy". I wanted others to see that I was justified in feeling the way that I did, reacting as I did, etc.
For me, I was the worst concerning AH's parents/family.
I have just recently realized that I know the truth. I do not need to justify my actions, thoughts, feelings etc anymore. Not to my in-laws and not to anyone else.
Inner peace - quite the concept, isn't it? LOL. But it took me a long time to stop trying to prove things about AH and gathering proof. You'll realize someday just how much time and energy you put into your A and you'll realize that you are obsessing over something/someone that is out of your control. Until then...I can only tell you that I feel for you as I recall what that is like.
Please start focusing on you!

Peaches04

HI guys...DenYes and StandingStrong - you hit it right on the head (for me). For SO LONG I would just get enraged...and I do mean ENRAGED - that he thought he was pulling one off on me! I just could not STAND the fact the he thought I was stupid (which I realize now was not what he was thinking at all - he just wasn't thinking). I also think for me when I would try to catch him - at least here at the end - it was to confirm to myself I was doing the right thing. I know with the last time I caught him - the thing that made me ask him to leave - he said "and don't think you weren't trying to catch me!..very indignant.. and I said "You're right - I was - I want to make sure I'm making the right decision, and I am." As far as spying on phone calls, things unrelated to actually drinking etc.. that takes too much energy for me and makes me too emmotionally unstable. I know that about myself, so I don't do it. Not for him, but for me.

jalacola

For me, checking up on him and proving that I am right is my way of showing him and myself that my hunches and feelings are justified. It's my way of telling myself I am not stupid for accusing him of drinking. I have been married for 6 1/2 years and have INCREDIBLE radar to be able to detect when he has been drinking and when he tries to pull one over on me, it is disrespectful. I know that it isn't what he intends for it to be--he is just trying to cover his a**. But when I am right in my accusations, he will look me dead in the eye and turn the table and make me feel guilty that I accuse him of something when he has "done nothing wrong." He will make me feel an inch tall, second-guessing myself and my instincts, when he KNOWS that I am right. That is why I try to "catch" him. I want to prove to myself that I am not crazy. But then again, trying to catch him makes me crazy in another sense! It sometimes encompasses my entire night to try to prove that he has drank, knowing that he has gotten smart enough to where I won't ever have proof. Then he can just lie and lie and there is nothing I can do. Family disease is right.

lilly54

WOW....This is what I feel and think...the needing to know I am not crazy,,,proving that my feelings and hunches were right,, I know that this isn't "healthy behavior" but I need to work through it...I also get very angry that I feel he treats me like I have no intellegence at all,,,then the still loving part kicks in and it hurts all over again...but being here really helps...
Thanks to all who responded

shutterbug

At my most difficult times pulling away from my ex...well, I couldn't have done it without Alanon and specifically the Alanon reading materials. I read the daily devotionals religiously and would scan through the back index to identify the feelings I was having at that moment and read all the readings on that topic.

Since I've been dealing with this lapse in my severe depression, I haven't been reading any of the literature or attending meetings....all my energy going toward my health issues. What I noticed is that my strong needs/wants/desires/whatever to talk to him and know what he's doing started returning almost as bad as before Alanon. I've been in Alanon 3 months and haven't seen my ex's face in more than 2 months. I knew the program was powerful, but I just have to wonder....if I never would have started the program and concentrating on me, then who knows where I would be right now? Probably dead. I was on a destructive path to suicide because I couldn't handle any more heartache from someone I loved so very much .

It's hard to let go. But just like the A's have to decide to stop drinking for themselves, us anons have to make up our own minds to recover from the codependency. No one can do it for us. We have to want it for us.

God luck and many hugs,
Jenna