I THINK I"M LOOSING MY MIND!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 20
I THINK I"M LOOSING MY MIND!
i think i'm loosing my mind. although things make sense at times most of the time they don't!! I've posted another letter (i need your advice and encouragment) before, i won't repeate myself, but i broke up with my A/drug addict boyfriend of four years about a month ago cold turkey.
tonight i was looking at our phone bill (he's phone was under my name) and i remembered how many times a day we used to talk, his just "i called to say I love you" phone calls and i can hear his voice in my head and I MISS HIM SO MUCH!! i just can't stop crying :cry3: i want to talk to him so bad, hold him and just be with him.....i love him so much.
i keep thinking what if and i can't stop blaming myself for being hard on him sometimes because of his drinking, and nagging for not keeping his word. at the same time i look at all the changes he made (may not be much but it was a lot for me) to make me happy, like calling me many times during the day, spending almost every free time he had with me, he opened his house for me...i was there all the time without ever asking me to pay anything (but of course i helped out with groceries, gifts, food and etc.). he tried to communicate better about his drinking/using (although he lied to me several times and was never honest about it), he even tried disconnecting from every single one of his drinking friends (with great pressure from my side) and went sober (somewhat) for almost 6mon. just by having me around all the time.
things really started to get better, but then i was always afraid that he will drink if i wasn't with him and i stopped living and started "babysitting" him. although i loved spending every moment with him i hated the fact that i give up so much (friend, family, school, myself) just to be with him so he won't drink. at the time that he stayed sober for 6mon. he didn't have a phone, so naturally it was easier for him to disconnect from his surrounding. until he got a job that required him to have a phone, so i got him one, and since i work in the mornings and go to school in the eveing and needed more time away from him to study...that's when everything just started the flee....he had free time without me around and started drinking and getting distant from me. i don't know....i just feel maybe i was worrying too much and if i would worry less maybe he wouldn't be drinking as much....i kept living in an axiety that i called him almost every hour or two just to see if he was drinking (i could tell by the tone of his voice), i don't know anymore.....i just know i miss him so much that my mind is a mess.
i wonder if he feels anything like the pain that i do? i feel like i'm the one who lost in this relationship because i gave up many things and myself to him, and for him...well it might be hard for him to find another girl that will put up with him but sooner or later, he will, but his love is wonderful and that i miss and it hurts. i can't figure out if his love was real or no, maybe he just uses this kind of love and affection to keep me in the relationship as much as he could...i don't know anymore.....sorry about all this...i just feel like a mess.
tonight i was looking at our phone bill (he's phone was under my name) and i remembered how many times a day we used to talk, his just "i called to say I love you" phone calls and i can hear his voice in my head and I MISS HIM SO MUCH!! i just can't stop crying :cry3: i want to talk to him so bad, hold him and just be with him.....i love him so much.
i keep thinking what if and i can't stop blaming myself for being hard on him sometimes because of his drinking, and nagging for not keeping his word. at the same time i look at all the changes he made (may not be much but it was a lot for me) to make me happy, like calling me many times during the day, spending almost every free time he had with me, he opened his house for me...i was there all the time without ever asking me to pay anything (but of course i helped out with groceries, gifts, food and etc.). he tried to communicate better about his drinking/using (although he lied to me several times and was never honest about it), he even tried disconnecting from every single one of his drinking friends (with great pressure from my side) and went sober (somewhat) for almost 6mon. just by having me around all the time.
things really started to get better, but then i was always afraid that he will drink if i wasn't with him and i stopped living and started "babysitting" him. although i loved spending every moment with him i hated the fact that i give up so much (friend, family, school, myself) just to be with him so he won't drink. at the time that he stayed sober for 6mon. he didn't have a phone, so naturally it was easier for him to disconnect from his surrounding. until he got a job that required him to have a phone, so i got him one, and since i work in the mornings and go to school in the eveing and needed more time away from him to study...that's when everything just started the flee....he had free time without me around and started drinking and getting distant from me. i don't know....i just feel maybe i was worrying too much and if i would worry less maybe he wouldn't be drinking as much....i kept living in an axiety that i called him almost every hour or two just to see if he was drinking (i could tell by the tone of his voice), i don't know anymore.....i just know i miss him so much that my mind is a mess.
i wonder if he feels anything like the pain that i do? i feel like i'm the one who lost in this relationship because i gave up many things and myself to him, and for him...well it might be hard for him to find another girl that will put up with him but sooner or later, he will, but his love is wonderful and that i miss and it hurts. i can't figure out if his love was real or no, maybe he just uses this kind of love and affection to keep me in the relationship as much as he could...i don't know anymore.....sorry about all this...i just feel like a mess.
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
((((Redrose)))) You are not losing your mind. Mine loves me the only way he can. He is really messed up tonight. He had his way and drank without me yelling and now he is sick. People think I am nuts for putting up with him, but he is not mean or anything to me. I do not know what is best for you, but here to listen and give advice if I can. I am kind of the wrong one to give advice right now. I am kind of green at all this even though I have been married to him for over 12 years. I guess we decide if we love them enough to stay and just let them drink or we leave if they drink. It is hard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
OMG! i just read ur post and i usually dont write anything cuz im not good at giving advice and im not sure if this is gonna help you but im gonna try. First off i know exactly how you feel...this sounds just like my A/ex we were together for 2 years and had a kid. He was drinkin when we first met but i didnt know he was an alcoholic till later on....then he got sober and things were so much better hung out all the time did stuff and it was just great! We broke up he starting dating this girl who drinks and pops pills and then David starting drinking again and never calls and whatever.....but i know exactly how your feeling because i loved him and did ANYTHING and i mean ANYTHING for him (still would) he treated me like he loved me and cared but something went wrong and we just didnt get along anymore. We been broke up for 6 months now and i didnt think i could ever get over him or move on. It breaks my heart seeing him with this other girl and how great he "thinks" his life is, but truthfully im glad i got out of the relationship....i dont need no man (either do you) 2 bring you down or disrespect you....i dont exactly know why you broke up with him, if it was because ur sick of the drinking or drugs or if he was abusive, i dont know...im not the best person 2 give advice either but i do know that if hes abusive and treats you like crap when hes drinking or when hes not drinking then you dont need 2 be around that....but if it just the drinking your worried about and hes actually NICE 2 you then try and help him out....see if he would go 2 rehab or talk 2 someone.....just talking 2 a friend can make a big difference! i mean i totally know how your feelings: they'll be times where i just want nothing 2 do with david and theres other times i call him and say how much i miss him and how i love him...(he thinks im bi-polar) but at the same time im sick of the crap and the yelling at me and screamin...im actually physically burned out! theres other people out there for ya...people who r willing to treat you like a human being with respect...Now i dont know if this helped you at all (sure it didnt cuz im a lil confuzed lol) but i tried and im sorry if i screwed anything up or if this sounds stupid....but i do know EXACTLY how your feeling and i wish i could be more help....but if at any time u wanna talk you let me know and im here! ill be glad 2 listen and try 2 give you some (good) advice....hang in there and everything will work out.....god has a plan for everything hun!!!!
<3 megan
<3 megan
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
As to his drinking: (As state by Alanon literature)
You didn't cause it
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it
I know how you are feeling, I too am missing my alcoholic ex even though he treated me very badly (everything other that physical abuse and even a little pushing was involved...well and he almost forced himself on me when he was really lit one night). You, like me, are craving the good feelings you got from him sometimes. I liked how my ex made me feel sometimes, but there was a huge price to pay for such limited joy.
As to the babysitting...please refer to the above Alanon saying because it is so very true. My mother is so completely enmeshed with her AH that she can't go ANYWHERE without watching her watch and having to call and check in or fielding calls from him as to why she's not back yet. As her adult daughter, it makes it hard to have a relationship with her because it drives me crazy. And that's only when she will even leave his side...she too thinks her staying with him 24/7 will keep him sober, which it does for a while, but never for good. Babysitting an alcoholic is definetly not a cure to their drinking. They will only recovery if they truely seek recovery for themselves...and they don't need sitters for that. And it makes me so very angry that my mother is wasting her life trying to fix something that she has no control over. She's been on the alcohol look-out shift for as long as I can remember. She hasn't been able to do what she WANTS to do for as long as I remember. It's always been all about him and what he wants or he is doing or not doing.
Imagine, if someone had explained all this to my mom 15 years ago and she had "REALLY" heard it! She doesn't even realize what she's missing out on, because she's gotten used to missing out on life and her family. It's become normal for her to deprive herself of living - and all for the sake of her husband's addiction. She won't even drive 25 miles to see her only grandsons (my nephews) unless my sister pays her each time for gas or something. Money is one way her husband controls her. My sister does make more money, but she still struggles to raise twins and it hurts her every time my mother demands money to come and visit her grandsons. It also hurts us both when she says she can't do something with us or has to rush right back because she's on alcohol watch.
And I have come to believe that once a man knows he can treat badly or act badly and we will let it slide or take him back every time, then he will continue to do whatever he wants. He may act like he's trying not to do the things we don't like, but he knows he can get away with it.
You have to decide if you want to be with an alcoholic (whether he is drinking or not) and only you can decide that, but if you do want to be with him...I pray you will not spend you life like I and my mother have by trying to "fix" them. When we try to control something that we have no control over, we only end up hurting ourselves...and the person we are trying to control.
These are just my opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it
I know how you are feeling, I too am missing my alcoholic ex even though he treated me very badly (everything other that physical abuse and even a little pushing was involved...well and he almost forced himself on me when he was really lit one night). You, like me, are craving the good feelings you got from him sometimes. I liked how my ex made me feel sometimes, but there was a huge price to pay for such limited joy.
As to the babysitting...please refer to the above Alanon saying because it is so very true. My mother is so completely enmeshed with her AH that she can't go ANYWHERE without watching her watch and having to call and check in or fielding calls from him as to why she's not back yet. As her adult daughter, it makes it hard to have a relationship with her because it drives me crazy. And that's only when she will even leave his side...she too thinks her staying with him 24/7 will keep him sober, which it does for a while, but never for good. Babysitting an alcoholic is definetly not a cure to their drinking. They will only recovery if they truely seek recovery for themselves...and they don't need sitters for that. And it makes me so very angry that my mother is wasting her life trying to fix something that she has no control over. She's been on the alcohol look-out shift for as long as I can remember. She hasn't been able to do what she WANTS to do for as long as I remember. It's always been all about him and what he wants or he is doing or not doing.
Imagine, if someone had explained all this to my mom 15 years ago and she had "REALLY" heard it! She doesn't even realize what she's missing out on, because she's gotten used to missing out on life and her family. It's become normal for her to deprive herself of living - and all for the sake of her husband's addiction. She won't even drive 25 miles to see her only grandsons (my nephews) unless my sister pays her each time for gas or something. Money is one way her husband controls her. My sister does make more money, but she still struggles to raise twins and it hurts her every time my mother demands money to come and visit her grandsons. It also hurts us both when she says she can't do something with us or has to rush right back because she's on alcohol watch.
And I have come to believe that once a man knows he can treat badly or act badly and we will let it slide or take him back every time, then he will continue to do whatever he wants. He may act like he's trying not to do the things we don't like, but he knows he can get away with it.
You have to decide if you want to be with an alcoholic (whether he is drinking or not) and only you can decide that, but if you do want to be with him...I pray you will not spend you life like I and my mother have by trying to "fix" them. When we try to control something that we have no control over, we only end up hurting ourselves...and the person we are trying to control.
These are just my opinions. Take what you like and leave the rest.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I also just wanted to say welcome to the forum. And always remember to take care of yourself first. I'm still working on learning this, but it's a very important thing to learn.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ROCKPORT , MAINE
Posts: 36
Hi - I will throw in my 2 cents on this one .
I feel like such a hypocrite for "giving advice (the blind leading the blind)
But .what the heck:
What I get out of reading your post...is that YOU don't feel "normal" in the relationship & it has caused you alot of pain & self doubt.
Of course you are remembering the "good feelings" that this guy gave you....but my feeling is that if it was not the alcohol or drugs....you would have felt insecure with this guy anyway & found something else to "worry about"
I know that when I was single (many moons ago) . If I was in a realtionship that was unhealthy (at the time I did not know it was - but I recognize it now)....I would always find something to worry about. Sometimes...it was the fear that he was cheating (I would go through his pockets - snoop in his drawerss , etc.)...or Treated him like a child & I paid for "stuff" & that I should not have ...things that HE should have taken care of himself .
What I am trying to say here .....is that WHEN a relationship is good for you.......you should not have to take on "his problems" and yours. It should be a give & take of mutual respect & support.
Sounds like you were giving up alot of who you were in this relationship & I think you are doing the right thing by moving on.
My gut feeling is that you will look back on this experience & feel relieved that you did not invest any more of your energy on this particular guy.
Listen........obviously ...it is so easy for me to advise YOU ..and so hard to follow my own advice. I am sticking it out with a husband who does not deserve me.....at this point.
But.........just because I am suffering.....that does not mean that you have to as well...........whatever you decide to do.....I hope it works out.
I feel like such a hypocrite for "giving advice (the blind leading the blind)
But .what the heck:
What I get out of reading your post...is that YOU don't feel "normal" in the relationship & it has caused you alot of pain & self doubt.
Of course you are remembering the "good feelings" that this guy gave you....but my feeling is that if it was not the alcohol or drugs....you would have felt insecure with this guy anyway & found something else to "worry about"
I know that when I was single (many moons ago) . If I was in a realtionship that was unhealthy (at the time I did not know it was - but I recognize it now)....I would always find something to worry about. Sometimes...it was the fear that he was cheating (I would go through his pockets - snoop in his drawerss , etc.)...or Treated him like a child & I paid for "stuff" & that I should not have ...things that HE should have taken care of himself .
What I am trying to say here .....is that WHEN a relationship is good for you.......you should not have to take on "his problems" and yours. It should be a give & take of mutual respect & support.
Sounds like you were giving up alot of who you were in this relationship & I think you are doing the right thing by moving on.
My gut feeling is that you will look back on this experience & feel relieved that you did not invest any more of your energy on this particular guy.
Listen........obviously ...it is so easy for me to advise YOU ..and so hard to follow my own advice. I am sticking it out with a husband who does not deserve me.....at this point.
But.........just because I am suffering.....that does not mean that you have to as well...........whatever you decide to do.....I hope it works out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
As their partners we are sick.........we are codependent.
With my ex I became totally wrapped up in HIS life and totally neglected mine.
He only loved me when he was getting his needs met which for a time took ALL of my energy. IN the process I shrunk down to 110 pounds and became suicidal, lost ALL self-respect, self-esteem,neglected my son emotionally and the rest of my life. My life in A.A words become unmanageable because I was addicted to him.
When I began to slowly fight my way out of it he began to s#$t on me because HIS needs were no longer being met.
But I had to get out of it otherwise I could have drank again or worse committed suicide.
So I had to do what it took to do it.
He didn't love me he loved what I did for him.
Babysitting your A will not keep him from drinking, you lost your life in the relationship. He began drinking again when you started having to take time for yourself.
Would that be how you would want to spend the rest of your life?
Ngaire
With my ex I became totally wrapped up in HIS life and totally neglected mine.
He only loved me when he was getting his needs met which for a time took ALL of my energy. IN the process I shrunk down to 110 pounds and became suicidal, lost ALL self-respect, self-esteem,neglected my son emotionally and the rest of my life. My life in A.A words become unmanageable because I was addicted to him.
When I began to slowly fight my way out of it he began to s#$t on me because HIS needs were no longer being met.
But I had to get out of it otherwise I could have drank again or worse committed suicide.
So I had to do what it took to do it.
He didn't love me he loved what I did for him.
Babysitting your A will not keep him from drinking, you lost your life in the relationship. He began drinking again when you started having to take time for yourself.
Would that be how you would want to spend the rest of your life?
Ngaire
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
i feel like i'm the one who lost in this relationship because i gave up many things and myself to him, and for him
I'm so glad that you're going to school. I finally graduated last year and it's helped my self esteem and job prospects so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 20
thank every single one of you for your comments, advices, and just the words of courage, i'm so thankful for finding this site and all of you for such support and encouragment. each one of you have me something to think about and made me feel so much better about my feelings, my situation, and my fight to do the right thing. it's so horrible to witness such wonderful people being wasted and ruined by such a disease called alcoholism. i guess no matter how much we all try, we won't be able to truly understand why they do what they do...or maybe we can since we are addicted to them....whatever it is, may god be with them as well as with us....it turely feels good being out of this relationship....i just have to let time heal me and be patient.....i hope you're all hanging in there strong tonight.
lots of hugs
lots of hugs
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
((((HUGS ROSE)))))) I'm sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I'm not one to give good advice at the current moment as you know my suituation-but I do know this-A's are not bad people in fact they are one of the good people! My brother who is an A is the most caring, loving, compassionate person and now more so since he is not that self-centered child that he was hiding behind his vodka. It is normal to feel the pain you are feeling-we do not want to hurt them but we cannot allow them to keep hurting us. Think of the good times-and send him prayers that he seeks help for himself. One day at time sweetheart we do not know what tomorrow will bring us.
Prayers and Hugs
Prayers and Hugs
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((RedRose))))))
You are not going crazy you are going thru a grieving process. You have lost an important relationship and it hurts. When we are close to someone it is like we pass connection wires back and forth to eachother and energy flows thru these invisible wires. When the relationship is severed and the cords are cut it feels like we are bleeding to death or something. You need some hugs cause this helps to heal the severed ties. It is why so many people jump into new a relationship so fast after ending one. I hope you can allow yourself to go thru this process without jumping too fast into something else because once you have healed all you wil be stronger for it and you will be able to make better choices. Go to some meetings and get you some hugs girl it will help.....
You are not going crazy you are going thru a grieving process. You have lost an important relationship and it hurts. When we are close to someone it is like we pass connection wires back and forth to eachother and energy flows thru these invisible wires. When the relationship is severed and the cords are cut it feels like we are bleeding to death or something. You need some hugs cause this helps to heal the severed ties. It is why so many people jump into new a relationship so fast after ending one. I hope you can allow yourself to go thru this process without jumping too fast into something else because once you have healed all you wil be stronger for it and you will be able to make better choices. Go to some meetings and get you some hugs girl it will help.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
Read about the things some of the people on this site are going thru and have gone thru for the last 5 10 15 20 25 years!!!!!!!! DO you like what you read? NO ! Then don't go on with the relationship. If you want to live the hell that some of these people are going thru then by all means call him up and invite him back. Just be glad you have only 4 years into it, and I hope no kids. Again this is just my 2 cents.
I read every post from each differant section of this site for over a year 1-2 hours each day. It made me say " there is no f--------- way I am doing this any more. I was married for 20 years. Yeah there were some good times. But the stuff I did by myself,he was to busy working and drinking while I was raising kids, taking care of the house,paying bills, working 40 hrs a week, etc,etc...
What really got to me was when I thought about the kids leaving and us retiring..................... That will be fun, he sits around drinking all day cause he doesnt have to work anymore and what do I do?????????? HUM..... More of the same taking care of everything except the kids. NO THANK YOU!
Divorce was final last week. Kids and I are doing great. He has been sober for over a year. He went sober the day I told him I wanted a divorce, too late.
Hugs to all and to all a good nite
I read every post from each differant section of this site for over a year 1-2 hours each day. It made me say " there is no f--------- way I am doing this any more. I was married for 20 years. Yeah there were some good times. But the stuff I did by myself,he was to busy working and drinking while I was raising kids, taking care of the house,paying bills, working 40 hrs a week, etc,etc...
What really got to me was when I thought about the kids leaving and us retiring..................... That will be fun, he sits around drinking all day cause he doesnt have to work anymore and what do I do?????????? HUM..... More of the same taking care of everything except the kids. NO THANK YOU!
Divorce was final last week. Kids and I are doing great. He has been sober for over a year. He went sober the day I told him I wanted a divorce, too late.
Hugs to all and to all a good nite
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
(((Myselfe)))
You sound so angry, but I also admire your strenght. I think I would be totally devistated if I divorced a husband of 20 years and he hit his bottom and sobered up. Not devestated because of his recovery...but devistated that he couldn't do it in the 18th or at least the 19th year of the marriage! I mean, I know once an alcoholic always and alcoholic and there's the dry drunk to consider, but I think the minute I realized he was serious about recovery I would be bolting back.
In a way though, it's kinda like: How dare he give me 20 of his worst years and then go off and get sober?!
But then of course my last ex was sober for 2 and making excellent money running his own business and he was either going to kill himself or start drinking again...well, he started drinking again and he's so progressed that I don't know if it will ever be possible for him to stop again. He stopped for 1 week a few months ago (for manipulation reasons) and got extremely ill as his body was detoxing.
So I guess I'm saying I know there's never any guarentees about their sobriety...I just wish I could get more angry and be able to know that I would never go back to him...
You sound so angry, but I also admire your strenght. I think I would be totally devistated if I divorced a husband of 20 years and he hit his bottom and sobered up. Not devestated because of his recovery...but devistated that he couldn't do it in the 18th or at least the 19th year of the marriage! I mean, I know once an alcoholic always and alcoholic and there's the dry drunk to consider, but I think the minute I realized he was serious about recovery I would be bolting back.
In a way though, it's kinda like: How dare he give me 20 of his worst years and then go off and get sober?!
But then of course my last ex was sober for 2 and making excellent money running his own business and he was either going to kill himself or start drinking again...well, he started drinking again and he's so progressed that I don't know if it will ever be possible for him to stop again. He stopped for 1 week a few months ago (for manipulation reasons) and got extremely ill as his body was detoxing.
So I guess I'm saying I know there's never any guarentees about their sobriety...I just wish I could get more angry and be able to know that I would never go back to him...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 3
****{RedRose}}} I feel for you. I know it hurts, and it hurts very much so. It's gut wrenching. I know I can actually feel my heart breaking. I get mad, then I get sad. Just know that better days are coming.
MYSELF!! Way to GO!! LOL - I'm with you! After 2 and half years I said "See ya!" - How you ever made it through 20 years is incredible! I can't stand it now! The rollercoasters, the excuses, the lies, the disappointments. (Notice all plurals). Over and Over and Over and Over and Over again! UGH! No woman or man should have to be subjected to that abuse. I had to leave for my own peace of mind. It's crazy! It drives you insane! It's hell! No man is worth that - NONE! I know my next choice of a man will not be an A. I despise the the stuff! Congrats on your divorce, and I'm glad you and the kids are doing good!
MYSELF!! Way to GO!! LOL - I'm with you! After 2 and half years I said "See ya!" - How you ever made it through 20 years is incredible! I can't stand it now! The rollercoasters, the excuses, the lies, the disappointments. (Notice all plurals). Over and Over and Over and Over and Over again! UGH! No woman or man should have to be subjected to that abuse. I had to leave for my own peace of mind. It's crazy! It drives you insane! It's hell! No man is worth that - NONE! I know my next choice of a man will not be an A. I despise the the stuff! Congrats on your divorce, and I'm glad you and the kids are doing good!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
