hearthealth

As another post mentioned. I to am unable to walk through that divorce door. I know part of it was my family of origin. I am accepting a relationship that isn't a marriage of my dreams. What marriage doesn't have differences of doing things? Though my wishes are rarely honored. And I feel like his Blave. He has called women that in the past. I live with verbal and emotional abuse and discipline gets too heavy handed at times. If I left I could meet someone far worse. I don't think I'll meet anyone better. My AH was wonderful when we were dating. I only seen him drunk on a handfuls occasions like when the owner of his company passed away. I guess I live with minimizing my feelings and my happiness. I hope and wish he would see how little he does and how great I am. I also deep down get the echo that he is living the dream life and doesn't have to fix the little things that are adding up to mountains. If I ask myself I know I'm not happy with him in my life.

LexieCat

Hoping and wishing never brought about anything real. REAL requires action.

The thought that you can't meet anyone better is simply wrong. There are many good men out there who don't abuse others. If you don't trust yourself to be able to recognize them or attract them, that simply means you shouldn't rush off from this relationship to another one without some serious work on yourself, your self-image, your expectations, etc.

AnvilheadII

If I left I could meet someone far worse. I don't think I'll meet anyone better.

that is called SETTLING. hinging all your hopes on "Mr. Will Have to Do". your goal shouldn't be the next man you may or may not meet....it should be an honest examination of your current LIFE and if this i show you truly wish to live.

we often develop the mistaken belief that we MUST have SOMEONE in our lives for US to be complete. (Damn you Jerry Macguire!). and it is often after a disastrous relationship that we must shuttle that myth and realize our job is to become complete within ourselves.

we aren't up for auction to the lowest bidder. we are far more than spare parts. and we should NEVER settle for good enough.

SparkleKitty

hearthealth, I worked with a counselor for a long time to build a better relationship with myself so that if and when a healthy relationship possibility came along, I would be able to give my best self to it, and not settle for anything less than what I wanted and deserved. I too had Family of Origins issues to get through.

The key part of it wasn't that I learned that I did not NEED a relationship with someone else to make my life complete, content, and joyous. I already had that -- with myself.

hearthealth

I made a stupid mistake tonight and I'm beating myself up. I just shamed myself. I just want to hide under a rock. It's moments like this that reinforce that I can't do it on my own.

LexieCat

What happened? You can tell us, nobody here will shame you.

rae145

Noooooooo! Don't be hard on yourself. I've made countless mistakes, felt embarrassed and shamed. All of us have and still do. It's ok to make mistakes. You're under duress right now too.
Geez I've been greatly embarrassed and shocked by some of my behavior lately but I just forgive myself and learn (I'm a slooowww learner when it comes to my ex ah) that this too will pass.
Maybe we should start a thread titled al anons gone Crazy!

hearthealth

I dropped my DS10 off for football practice. And went to rum errands. I came back 30 minutes before practice was to end. It was getting dark and players were leaving. All the players were gone from the field that I dropped him off at and there was no son. I panicked big time. I went to call football coach. Dialed baseball coach instead. Called what I thought was football coach. It was the wrong number a players parent. Then called husband who told me to look for the coaches car. I finally seen children playing in a different part of the park. That's where the team moved to. I was stupid.

maia1234

Hh,
You are a beautiful, bright and brave women who deserves so much more then the scraps he is throwing at you.

You stick around a bit, educate yourself about addiction. I have full confidence that you will have the strength to make your life better. You will be happy and content with your choices not his.

Sending big big hugs that you have a brighter day tomorrow my friend!!!

Thomas45

Let's forget about meeting somebody else for a moment. Completely drop that line of thinking for now, and focus on what is important.

It is more important to your children for you to be a legitimately happy and whole person, than to worry about who you might or might not meet in the future. The emotional environment that you live in right now is exactly what your children will be statistically inclined to recreate in their adult relationships. If that thought makes your hairs stand on end, then you need to take a good, hard look at what you need to do to give them the best chance of a healthy future. Does that future involve fearing physical punishment for asking for food at the dinner table?

Just throwing this out there, but does anybody else think that hearthealth would benefit from placing a phone call to the women's DV hotline to talk about what's going on in her household? Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

LexieCat

Good grief, that's not stupidity! You made a mistake, that's all. Heck, I've had whole conversations with the wrong person, mistaking who it was. The kids moved, you were worried, and you freaked out a bit. Perfectly normal. I've done the same thing (well, not the EXACT same thing, but make a mistake because I was freaked out about something).

Do NOT beat yourself up for being human! And don't let anyone else beat you up--physically or verbally or emotionally, either.

LexieCat

I think that's been suggested already, a few times.

It's still a good idea.

hearthealth

Sorry for wasting your time tonight.

Thomas45

You're not wasting our time. We're here to help you, and if you feel like you need to get something off your chest then we're not going to judge you for it. I have a habit of coming across as blunt, as I'm sure others do as well, but you are in no way inconveniencing us by talking about how you feel. Please, continue posting any time you want to reach out.

Praying

HH...would YOU call someone else stupid, like another mother from school, if she just did what you did? Or would you empathize with the fear she probably felt and understand her actions?

I think it's the second one. Share some of that empathy with yourself.

When we live in abusive environments, we start taking to ourselves the way the abuser does...and sometimes we do it almost to beat him to the punch. (I KNOW I'm stupid, how could I have done this, what is he going to say...)

That's not even NEAR normal thinking. You're living in crisis mode. You deserve better.

Please don't ever apologize for posting here. We choose what we want to read and respond to--so you're not actually able to waste our time. It's our choice what we do with our time. This is a good example of owning ourselves and controlling only what we can control--something that gets lost in addiction/abuse relationships. You become responsible for everything--everyone else's emotions, actions, reactions--and that's simply not possible to do.

Please take a long look in the mirror at the one person you should love most in this world...and ask her what she needs from you. She deserves your help.

maia1234

Hh,

The last couple years of my marriage, I didn't even like the person that I had become. I was so angry, and sad, and mean towards my x and life. The whole addiction thing consumed me. I couldn't think straight because I was no longer sleeping. But when I was living it, I had no idea what had taken over my life, what was controlling me.

I worked my program. Didn't engage with axh, went to many meetings, read books on addiction and self help books, read sr nearly every night. It took a long time before I came out of this deep dark fog that I had lived in for 34 years. I survived.

Not only did I survive, I am thriving. I bought a little town home, I have a good job with benefits, I have a great relationship with my 2 daughters, I smile and am happy again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It took me years and years to get here, but I had to feel the burn, before I could arrive.

I am sending hugs to you my friend, we do all care about each other and want each and everyone on this forum to thrive and be happy!! Please stick with us, we can slowly help.

LexieCat

hh, I'm not trying to shame you for feeling stupid--I'm just trying to get you to see you don't have to feel that way. I think most women in abusive relationships really internalize the messages they get from the abuser--that they are dumb, not worthy, lazy, ugly, crazy, etc. None of it's true, but when you're bombarded with those messages day in and day out, it can't help but have an effect.

We want to see you happy and whole. We're concerned about you, and we care--very much.

Maudcat

Sober Recovery is a safe haven. Hope you will keep coming back.

FireSprite

HH - you were anything BUT stupid. You were panicked. You were scared. You were reacting to what is every parent's nightmare. EVERY parent would freak a bit in this situation... those moments while you think your child is missing feel like DAYS.

Not that you are asking my opinion, but *I* think you need to cut yourself a little break. I went back & read some of your older posts to understand your situation better & it seems logical to assume that you have been living in some sort of chaos/crisis for quite some time. I remember how that felt when it was me, how eventually after living in some sort of extended ongoing crisis I became so worn down & fatigued & unhealthy. I literally couldn't think straight about 80% of the time, in my estimation - & I think I'm being generous to myself here. That type of fatigue literally infects every part of your body & mind & leaves you very raw & vulnerable.

I think if you can manage just ONE small change today it would be to sloooooooow dowwwwwwwn & breathe when you are feeling overwhelmed. Take just a few moments to do this & you will be able to think more clearly around the situation & stop your system from getting flooded with adrenalin. It takes practice to build the habit but it is SO helpful to help you during those panic-sticken moments.

Here's some info about it:

Why Does Deep Breathing Calm You Down? | LIVESTRONG.COM

Relaxation techniques: Breath control helps quell errant stress response - Harvard Health

53500

Hearthealth, you feel like his slave, he has called women from past relationships, he is verbally and emotionally abusive. Yeah there are worse people out there but there are *millions* of better people. IMO being single would be better too.

Living with the conditions you describe sounds guaranteed to result in feeling defeated and sad. You don't have to walk through the divorce door until you are ready. It's wonderful you are reaching out here as so many, many people are in your shoes. There are also many who used to be in your shoes and found their way out.

This incident on the football field - that could happen to anyone, those areas can be large and confusing. I'd panic too. You're not stupid! It's a normal reaction to panic if your child isn't where you thought he was. Many years ago when my son was about 12 (he is now 35) he didn't come home when he was supposed to. We had the cops outs searching the neighborhood, called everyone we knew, and I was totally, terrifyingly panicked. Turned out he was down the road at a friend's house and rode his bike home.

When he was 19 and he wasn't where I expected him to be, while I didn't panic, I had my SIL (who was nearer to his location at that time) go look for him. That's what moms do.