hearthealth

I realize this week part of the reason I had a bad week is this marriage is in name only. When AH was allowed back in the house I told him I don't want a marriage in name only, but two years later that's what we have. When he came into the house he did what he had to. There's no reason for him to do those things now. I realize that and now I've shut down. It's in name only for me too.
I just can't step into that hallway. The hallway of divorce. So many of you have. I just keep staring at the door frame. I guess it's fear among other things. Fear that my children will hate me and want him. Fear he will get the house and that's where the kids want to live. Fear of loss of another relationship in my life. Maybe he'll realize what a find I was and truly give that effort. He's been drinking less the last four days only 3 cans of beer. He helped with the dishes two of the four days but there's no emotional connection any more. Neither of us give that relationship effort. I'm tired of being turned down, cold shoulder and short snippets of communications. I need help walking.

LexieCat

Now is the time to PLAN. Have you talked with a lawyer about your options? That's a good starting point. Knowledge is power. The laws are different in every state, so finding out, realistically, what might happen with the house, etc., might allay some of your fears and help you look at this realistically.

Given the history of alcoholism and abuse, it seems unlikely to me that he would receive primary custody of the kids. If you have primary custody it's unlikely he would be permitted to remain in the house. The house would probably either be sold and the proceeds divided equitably (not necessarily equally), or something would be worked out that would permit you to remain until the kids are older and the house sold later. Or the property could be divided in some other way. There are all kinds of possibilities--a lawyer could tell you what the most likely and realistic outcomes would be.

You have nothing to lose by gathering information. And knowledge will make the whole thing less mysterious and scary.

honeypig

HH, I think it would be a good starting place to follow Lexie's suggestion about gathering info. Even though I was furious w/XAH 3-1/2 years ago and said in anger that I was done, that I wanted him out, in reality I was terrified of what divorce would actually mean and it took me 2-1/2 more years to get to where I really did go thru w/the divorce.

It sounds like you've pretty much settled it in your mind that the actual relationship is done, so starting to concentrate on the practical aspects seems like the next step. Finances, the house, custody--like Lexie said, talking to a lawyer will get you some facts and some predictions based on those facts instead of all the bad outcomes your fearful brain can concoct.

I have a couple of threads here from the time I was finalizing things; you might find some help in them:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-i-guess.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html

You'll eventually get thru that door, and you'll see that there's firm ground on the other side that will hold you up and let you move on, as well as some really lovely flowers by the side of the path...!

Ann

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html

This is probably one of the most well written, from the heart, sharing of the experience of parting ways, that I have ever read.

Hearthealth, you will know when it is time, life has a way for sending us a loud and clear signal, and when it is time, you will be more ready than you think. Honeypig's share on those links is a real spirit lifter, please do read them.

Honeypig, thank you for your wonderful share, it truly is an awesome thread.

Hugs

dandylion

hearthealth....like so many (most) others, here, you have identified that fear is your greatest obstacle.....
"We have nothing to fear but fear, itself"......(a famous saying from WW11)

All of us have much more potential and courage than we ever know or use....It sits, dormant, until the very second that wee need to draw on it....UNTIL WE HAVE NO OTHER OPTION. Then, it comes forward..like magic....
I know this to be true...and, you will come to find out how true this is.....

There is a good website....WomansDivorce.com. It covers most every area of divorce and divorce issues that come up. It is arranged by state.....
It is NOT meant to replace your own lawyer...but, it is very educational, in nature. It migh help you to peruse through it...and, it can prepare you to know what questions to ask a l awyer.....and, give you more confidence.....
Knowledge is power....

I suggest baby steps....tiny baby steps...How does a jug fill with water?..ONE DROP AT A TIME.

Gathering information is a good baby step...and how can just gathering information harm you?

On another subject...If you children loved you at 6yrs. old, they will always love you!!
On the subject of "another failed relationship"...I, gently, say to you...it has already failed....trying to sweeo it under the rug, won't help you...in fact, living like this will emotionally strangle you....

You are not facing anything that thousands of others on this forum has not faced (including myself).....
I ask you to come here often and talk about your fears and feelings....
do it often!!!!!!!!