Seren

Hammering, banging, pounding...and heavy metal music. Yep, there is a work crew here removing the 52 year old windows in my house and installing new replacement windows.

My late husband and I always planned to have this done, but the feckless duo that we were--just never got around to it.

Earlier this year, after receiving my tax refund, I decided that I would go ahead and have that done. If I do eventually need to sell the house, it will increase its appeal. If I keep the house, it means more comfortable living and lower electric and gas bills for me.

In other news...no word from my alcoholic/addict stepson. Apart from a couple of calls not long after my husband's funeral--nothing. He has not responded to any of my text messages. He still keeps in touch with his sister, so that's good. Although he is drunk sometimes when they talk.

Me, well, like recovery, I can only take this life one day at a time.

LexieCat

Congrats on the new windows! That's a very nice investment in your future, whether you stay or go.

The stepson, well, he's got his own journey. You never talk about his sister. Are you close to her?

Seren

Yes, well, my stepdaughter is complicated. I have always had the feeling that she resents me for being alive while her mother is gone. My husband had been a widower for about 2.5 years when I met him. We are friendly, but I don't think I have ever been truly accepted as a real part of the family by anyone except my husband. I'm sure she has a lot of resentments, but so do I actually. I just try not to let them crowd in on trying to build some sort of on-going relationship with her.

In many ways, she is fairly classic ACoA (her late mother was an alcoholic). She is not openly hostile or mean to me, but I feel as though I am walking on eggshells around her quite frequently. Even my husband felt that way with her from time to time.

I am working on my side of the street, and hope that things will improve! There is always room for improvement

Wisconsin

Your side of the street is already improving, with brand new windows!

Keeping you and your stepkids in my heart, Seren. I always appreciate it very much when you post here; you have shared much wisdom over the years.

Ann

I think it's a good thing, these new windows. It will make your place much nicer and it is something nice you are doing for yourself.

I am sorry his family has issues but that's on them and not a reflection of you.

I and sending hugs and hope these windows bring joy and light to your life.

Hugs

Seren

Thank you all, so much! I guess I never really thought of myself as a Mom figure for them, but more of a friend or extended family member. I hoped we could be closer, but that has yet to happen. There is so much more I could tell, but I think the specifics of it all would blow the anonymous part of this community for me.

But hey! I can open my windows now

Ann

There is something good to this all, Seren. You can open your windows and let the world in, and let your thoughts flow through to nature, the universe, to God. There is something lovely about an open window, something air conditioning left behind.

“Who says you cannot hold the moon in your hand?

Tonight when the stars come out and the moon rises in the velvet sky, look outside your window, then raise your hand and position your fingers around the disk of light.

There you go . . . That was easy!”

― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

Seren

Thank you, Ann!

LexieCat

Well, a cordially neutral place isn't so bad when it comes to stepkids. My dad married my stepmom six months after my mom died (he asked our permission, which I found somewhat amusing).

I still miss my mom, who died 30 years ago, and my stepmom is someone whose company I've never really enjoyed. BUT, she and my dad have had a happy marriage, they take care of each other, and I love her (even if I don't like her all that much) because he does. She has stepped up and supported me a couple of times when I needed it, and vice versa. She's quite close with her own kids, so it's all worked out.

Seren

Wow, Lexie, I'm sorry your Mom died so young! That must have been very hard for you.

What you are describing is what I fear, Lexie. That I have never been seen as a true wife and partner to my husband by anyone other than him. That I was not a 'real wife' to him--just someone who took care of him so they did not have to--so they could live their own lives without worrying about him. And now, it's almost as if I never existed. I buried my husband in the double plot next to his late wife because I know that is what his children wanted. So even there, I don't exist--that is extraordinarily painful.

Plus, codie that I am, it pains me that the children of the man I have loved more than any other 'don't like me all that much'. It really makes me cry to think about it.

I don't want to be their best friend. We don't have the same tastes and interests, I suppose. That would not be appropriate, I don't think. But I just hoped we could enjoy each other's company and support one another--be a larger part of each others' lives. But I'm not going to push it at all. I am open to whatever they want, and I think that is all I can do.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, Seren. FWIW, I'm not all that terribly close to my dad, either. I love him--he's been a good dad--but I don't feel a strong emotional connection with him. There are few people in my life I DO have that kind of strong emotional connection with, and my mom and a couple of other people are about the only ones in my family that I do.

I'm not sure how realistic it is to have expectations that people related to us by marriage--or even blood--are automatically going to be people we can really connect with. This might be a good time in your life to work on building a circle of friends to fill that "family" role for you.

Many hugs,

Ann

You DO exist, Seren, you were the most important person in his life and that he is gone now does not make you any less important. I know he died suddenly, but he died knowing he was loved. That is important.

The person you are is the person he loved. You are a terrific person, and worthy of love and respect. That they choose to be aloof is a reflection of their flawed hearts and not a reflection of who you are or your importance in life.

And just for the record, you are important to all of us, we care and are here for you through this all.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Seren

I think expectations is too strong a word in my case, Lex. Hopes, really. I have hopes. Mr. Seren's children were adults when we met, and they had a mother. I am not her. I hoped, and still hope, to have a better relationship with both of them, but I don't expect to be a 'Mom' or best friend. I just need to keep that door open and let them decide.

Ann Thank you so much.