Endeavor

Well, don't know what to say other than the truth. I stopped doing my weekend hammer sessions for just over a month, but today I picked up a bottle and I'm pretty rocked right now.

I've posted, read and commented throughout the month but today I felt the need to be real and share with you all where I'm at. I apologize now if any of you are reading this and are thinking well, why do you most often comment AFTER you're funked. I'm sorry about that but something in me keeps coming back to get it out. It may just be my conscious and I'm ok with that until I fully understand it.

So... In the last of month not drinking, I managed to just about double my yearly salary. I am very proud of this. I think I took this accomplishment as a reason why I deserve to let loose this weekend. Any good things I do seem to be a catalyst which I have made mention of before, but this time it's a friggin big one.

It's sad in a way, when I am doing good I continue, when I go great I abstain yet in time, I'm back to my old habits. Perhaps this is a problem with my thinking.

Today, the kids and wife are away and I'm working in hard in my yard. To the point, it's something Mr. Miyagi would review and be proud of. Seriously, my f'n yards are like a sanctuary.

Tonight, my wife will come home and praise the work, but there is a large part of me that regrets the need and my weird ability to succumb to it. I regret this day.

I'm a functioning idiot and feel alone in my struggle because I always do more than enough to keep shiat appreciated. I think this has always kept me down. I feel like I do things to impress, myself included, but always feel like I could be doing better. At the very least I should not be a totally broken, shot and f'd up Dad tonight after they come home, but I don't think there is any way I'm going to come down fast enough or not feel the effects long enough.

I've drank a lot today and I see no other way it can be later tonight. Yet here I am. Everything will look nice, perhaps my wife will excuse it and think I'm just tired from the sun. It can be explained away, but holy shiat people, she deserves better. I am trying to be a better man, but am faced with the question; why did I do this to myself again?

Drinking a lot of water right now and thinking about my reasoning, but it's tough in this state. I have no other choice but to keep working, maybe it'll go away without suffering too much later.

I'm trying for another long stretch beginning today. I'm just a better person, Dad and Husband that way.

Best to you all.

Bruno1979

You need to accept that alcohol is of no use to you mate. Don't beat yourself up too much but use it as a springboard and jump into a lifetime of sobriety.

Good luck,

Bruno

dwtbd

Sorry to hear you had a shiat afternoon. Next time the AV whispers or even yells in your other ear to go get a bottle for a reward, remind yourself (the rational part of you) that it isn't worth the fleeting moments or seconds of pleasures promised, those promises are shiat. You deserve better, congrats on a great month, make next month better!

Darwinia

Congrats on doubling your income. You deserve to feel happy about that. I suggest forget today and pick up the good work again. Your period of sobriety is still there.

Soberwolf

Drinking is never going to solve a problem only make it worse stick with us join a class and don't look back

Endeavor

I think you're right. It's only a day off to get f'd up and does nothing for me other than hurt my next day.

I'm not trying to beat myself up, but today I feel a bit diminished.

Thanks for the feedback.

Endeavor

I was feeling good and took a risk, it paid off. All of which was done while thinking clear.

Somehow I still need to keep slapping myself in the face to remember that. I do agree with you in that, I don't think one day will F'up my overall progress, it's just so damn clear as I do it. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

I appreciate it.

Endeavor

"Fleetingt moments or seconds of pleasure" followed by a hammering feeling of hurt and regret. You are right and I thank you.

I know this, yet I do it anyway. That is my failing. I'm working at it and appreciate the words to consider.

Endeavor

I'm going to try and last at least a month and will attempt not to put a time on it at all. I can see and feel the results of staying clear. This funking grief, this damn terrible part of me needs to die.

I'm such an ass sometimes, I'm not living up to my promises and it hurts. They are so beautiful, I am so blessed and can be such a disgrace to myself sometimes. Putting this into words helps saving this night from being forgotten or let go. Thank you.

cwood3

I don't think one day will F'up my overall progress

Please be very careful with that statement above..........

Congrats on your success......keep being sober and more of that will happen

Arpeggioh

Endeavor: my biggest problem with relapse is coming back from it; feeling motivation to start over...you sound motivated, and sick and tired of the horse sh*t. I applaud your lawn efforts today...and hope you realize: your wife and family mean a lot to you; they might even be priceless! I don't have that, so...hold on to what you've got! Be well...

Endeavor

Yeah progress. Unless I really come to terms with why I keep allowing this, I'll never fully get over my problem. What happens when I've reached my goals, house totally paid, family secure... Then what. Will it be something different or will it be gone. I think this is where understanding yourself begins, I have work to do.

Endeavor

Priceless. It gives me both a sense of appreciation and loss. Whatever you have been through my friend, thank you for your advice.

Endeavor

45 minutes until they come home, how can I erase this? I already suspect a bit of disappointment, it's not like she's oblivious. My work will show otherwise, but I'm at a talking level of a child. Typing is easy. Funk!!!

Goddamn this crazy side of me. I am such an ahole.

Dame

Hi Endeavor,

I see something in your lapse that reminded me of mine. During the 3 yrs. I was drinking I hated it, myself, felt horrible...... Feeling crappy became my "norm." I have a feeling that I was purposefully punishing myself this way, keeping myself "back," giving myself a reason to feel pain so that I could excuse my fear about moving forward and the expectations success would demand. Also I didn't feel I deserved good things. And since my last bender ended with a suicide attempt (I had never considered doing this before) it seemed clear that I was very confused about my self-esteem. After I detoxed, I lapsed 4 times - one evening each time, then moved on. Why did I "pick up?" On each occasion I was actually feeling stronger and more confident. And I WAS NOT prepared for this. I bought some wine and quickly drank myself into a state of depression and self-loathing - the place where I'd been comfortable for 3 yrs. I'm not suggesting this is true for you, but I have always been a high achiever who, unfortunately, doesn't always feels she deserves any accolades. Rather than enjoy the blissful feeling of accomplishment, I revert to the "default" mindset (i.e. "this will never last, I will fail, I should fail, I don't deserve this. I should feel crappy"). Does this sound in any way familiar? I need to work on my need to PROVE to myself that I'm unworthy. If there's a little bit of that going on with you, it might be worth considering.
Congrats on your successes, btw

Elicia08

For me, it works to take it just one day at a time. I'm not setting goals like a month or a year or whatever. And saying I'll never drink again is just too overwhelming. Each day when I get up I think about all the blessings sobriety has given me already (only two weeks off booze so far), and I make a promise to myself that I won't drink today. Then the next day I get up and do it all over again. It really helps to continually focus on the positives being sober has brought me. You can do it too....

madgirl

Weekends are tough for sure. Today was hard for me too - stayed sober but I am not a happy camper. I stuck close to SR all weekend. Im at five months. I think it is just tough for us newbies but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Be honest with your wife. Dont try to cover it up. Then get back on the horse tomorrow. Im rooting for you!!!! And congrats on your professional progress.

Dee74

Welcoem back

But not posting here before you drink is a major flaw in your plan Endeavour, yeah?.

If SR is the only thing you're doing for your recovery, I really think you could use a little more of us. more regularly?

or maybe there's other avenues of support you can look at as well?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Endeavor

I am, no words.

EndGameNYC

Many of us seem to have a knack for proving over and over again, and in dramatic, sometimes devastating, fashion that our search for perfection within ourselves is simply another delivery system for abuse. Perfectionism is a euphemism for self-hatred, and it's a lesson that we learn only after a great deal of suffering.

There is nothing at all noble about being a perfectionist. It only robs us of our joy, and renders us increasingly and absolutely helpless to fashion the world in our own image. It's self-destructive, harmful to others, and often ends up in total collapse. It sounds as though the drinking is an escape for your self-imposed mandate that everything you touch in life must be "just so." Not gonna work.

It's an infinite loop. The more you fail to rise to your unrealistic standards, the more you take it out on yourself, the more likely you are to drink. The more you drink, the more you're driven to make everything perfect "this time around." And so it goes.

Put down the drink, and start learning to accept yourself for who and what you are. But first, and again, put down the drink.