Madruski

Every few months I post because I keep coming to this "I have to stop realisation"

It kinda helps I suppose, but every time I try to stop I feel less enthusiasm to try. Perhaps iam just meant to drink?

Anyway, iam drinking now every day , yesterday i went to gym again and had a good workout and vowed not to drink. And as I walked home I bought 6 litres of beer and alcohol energy drinks. And my binge lasted 11hours. I basically crumbled on the spot.

Today iam obviously hungover, and once again lying here re evaluating my life and my choices.

Iam 25 and expected more of my self.

Iam currently in another country atm visiting relatives, and I have been looking into finding a job teaching English, but this is a complete different sphere to what iam used too, (iam a carpenter) .

Alcohol is truly changing me, my ambitions are dying. I see myself in a negative light.

I went to an Interview for the English job and I came sooo unprepared, and all I could think was " how can I work here? Smart well dressed motivated people come here to learn and teach, and not young idiots battling a alcohol problem.

I don't even have to be drunk for the poison to be mentally weighing me down, there is no self esteem and self confidence when you know your an alcoholic, it's a vicious cycle.

Not only would I be battling an alcohol problem and the social anxiety that goes with it, but I will be juggling a career change, which is a recipe for disaster.

I never realised how much energy and time battling an alcohol problem consumes! Some people can juggle a life, job, bills , kids but iam too busy thinking about this : too drink or not to drink? - And iam already struggling with the stress without other life stresses.

Social anxiety is rampant in me atm, it comes and goes, sometimes even disappears. And I drink because iam filled with social insecurities.

Thanks for the read.

Berrybean

Okay. So you have spotted the pattern. The thing is this problem has 2 sides to it that you need to address if you want to get out, and stay out, or this vortex that you are in.

1 - the alcoholic DRINKING. This is a case of not taking that first drink, one day at a time. Simple, but not easy.

2 - the alcoholic THINKING. This is what makes life seem unbearable without drinking to alleviate our pain. And changing this needs a plan, and often outside help. Especially at first, to challenge our addictive voice, which is the spokesperson for our alcoholic think-tank.

Although, in many ways this can be simple, as I said, it is not easy. We need to really want it. Need it. Be desperate for it sometimes. In order to find the willingness to make that plan and work on it. To change what we do (because if nothing changes, nothing changes). Recovery isn't an intellectual challenge. If it were, you would have been sober when you first noticed the pattern. It needs to be a program of action. You can see where the vortex is leading you - straight down the plug hole. I hope you will take the necessary action to escape it. It IS possible. And you DO deserve it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html

Bird615

No one is just "meant to drink".

I had such a hard time stopping that I believed that lie sometimes. I got help from AA and rehab, but only when the consequences of my drinking became more painful than the work of getting sober.

Don't give up. Get help. I found out life really can be good without alcohol.

Madruski

So Ive been down that sober path before. Last year I went 1 month , and recently went 1 week, then another week. I genuinely did feel much better.

What always get me back on the binge is that infamous "its been a month, what can one drink do"

Annnnnd it's all downhill again because I have mentally broken my track record and sabotaged my chances. So obviously my mind goes back to "what's the point in starting again to fail"

doggonecarl

A "realization" is probably a crucial step, but it won't get you sober. Only acting on that realization will.

You posted about this before. Go back read the many replies you've gotten. They still apply. Quit drinking and do whatever it takes to support that decision to quit.

mecanix

I knew i had to stop drinking when i was 25 ,
i carried on drinking untill i was 37 ,
i sold a house and spent all the capital i'd worked for to carry on drinking ,
I sold investments that would have grown into decent wealth ,
i quit good relationships ,
good people avoided me because i was always getting too drunk,
i quit going to the gym and swimming every day .
I had poor relationships with family because i was always to busy drinking or hungover when i saw them .
In my late 20's i had 3 of my teeth kicked out of my head by someone , i was on a blackout so i don't know any more .

You can change , you can get sober , there is hope and a sober life is a worthwhile thing to do and have

Best wishes, m

tomsteve

yup, that how alcoholism is..

now start reading of the people who decided to get off the merry go round of insanity,decided they wanted to get sober, and were willing to do whatever was required to get and stay sober- each and every one will say it got easier.

until i made those decisions it was a constant battle-until i crossed the line into full blown alcoholism and didnt fight it anymore- i just drank.

thank God for the gift of desperation- get sober or kill myself.

you dont have to sink that far.

but i dont think comin here every couple months to tell of your misery is going to change anything.

sure hope you decide to get into action.

getting sober was the hardest thing i ever did- harder than fighting cancer in sobriety.

staying sober has been easy.

tomsteve

the great fact is you have past experience, including this thread, to remind you what one drinkcan do if you chose to look at it.

Berrybean

The point is, being willing to learn from the same mistake that you keep making. You won't fail if you can accept that you are an alcoholic and that one drink is like Russian Roulette. Maybe you'll stop the first few times, but in the end, inevitably.... B A N G ! ! ! Same old destruction. Same old unmanageability . Same old self-loathing.

Berrybean

Can I ask.... is there still a small (or big) part of you labouring under the illusion that you will find a way to drink 'normally'? If so, please bear in mind that this is a false hope that has lured many an alcoholic to their demise.

Madruski

I am aware that I have posted before about this, but i dont see it as negative, I see it as a good reflection to see where iam currently at.

I know it's not nice to hear complaining, but I don't complain or vent in person so this place let's me do that.

And unfortunately I am still at the same place, also unfortunately iam getting older but not wiser .Action is needed. But I do actually see myself living a sober life. I do believe in myself because regardless of my alcohoI issue,

I have achieved some challenging life goals that I set myself that at one point seemed unreachable. Persistence is key.

Madruski

Berry, iam coming to the conclusion that there is no inbetween. I either drink for life or I don't.
Option 2 sounds alot more appealing

Berrybean

Good. Because once you have FULL acceptance of that, you will find it much easier to stay sober. And once we have Acceptance, shortly after that usually comes that other vital ingredient. Willingness.

Please take a look at Dee's information on recovery plans. I know that you have made them before, but it's always worth revisiting and adding in extra things (even without a relapse, but certainly when there has been one).

Why accept sobriety when you could have recovery?

Madruski

Just answering your questions and reading these replies has made me realise that I have been slowly subconsciously educating myself on the process of the addiction and the process of being sober and the pitfalls ahead. As you said it's about learning from mistakes. The next step is too have the willpower to walk past the "beer-mania" store.

Berrybean

Or the acceptance of what will happen should that same willpower talk you into going in there. Relying on self-will is a kind of double edged sword as an alcoholic. It's as likely to take us towards drink as carry it from it. That's why Acceptance and Willingness are the vital ingredients and not willpower. Will-power is a fickle friend to the recovering addict.

Sorry if that sounds like nit-picking, but it's something that it took me Longstone realise than I'd have liked, and kept me falling at hurdles for longer than I needed to.

fini

when i knew that without a doubt, the daily question of "will i/won't i" disappeared.

and yeah, option 2 sounded more appealing to me for a long time, but i didn't really believe it. i knew i was supposed to believe it, supposed to think that sober life was really appealing.
but deep down, i had my doubts.
couldn't envision a sober reality. only fantasize dream castles, really.

Madruski

Ahh Willingness. The biggest test to all sobriety attempts. Iam still in the thought process on how much I really want to quite. Id be lying if I said " I want to quite forever" but I know I need too. if I didn't have this fear of loosing alcohol, then I would not be an alcoholic, the problem is I enjoy drinking. As a hobby, relaxer, entertainment etc. But the more I try then the closer I get too the image of not DRINKING again.

Nonsensical

I was filled with social insecurities because I drank.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

MIRecovery

I was in the thought process for 25 years. Started in my late twenties and ended at 53, Over those years my life was slowly but surely got worse. When I actually did something in stead of thinking about it things started to get better

PrinzessinD

When I was 25 I knew I had a problem too. I lost many relationships because guys always told me they didn't want to be with an alcoholic etc. I didn't care, I thought " Well, screw you then". I kept drinking. I'm 35 now and my binges and drinking patterns got worse not better. The withdrawals are way worse too. I went to the hospital one night and they did bloodwork and told me that I was in the beginning stages of liver disease but it was reversible. Looking at me, I look like a healthy young woman. Right then and there I decided that this BS wasn't worth my health. I quit, I feel a lot better. I never thought that would happen to me. Quit now while your health is intact. You have a great opportunity living abroad, be sober so you can remember it and have the energy to go out and do fun things.