What the heck is wrong with me this weekend????
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
What the heck is wrong with me this weekend????
Please excuse the forthcoming pity party. I always try to remain positive on here but there's something up with me this weekend and I just want it to GO AWAY.
I have no urge to drink. The more I think about my state of being and my mind when I was drinking it reminds me of how much I really didn't like it. It was nothing more than me feeding my addiction. Done with that.
I'm feeling resentful that I want to attend more meetings but due to the fact that I have no license it's greatly reduced the ease of which I can get there. The first week I had an AA friend pick me up. Not going to do that every week. The next week I paid for UBER. I'm not in the financial position to keep doing that. I can get my husband to bring me but without explaining the dynamic, understand that I created this mess, he's doing his own thing and I don't want to impose on his time to cart my sorry behind around.
I want to replace the volunteer work I can no longer do with volunteering in our local recovery program. But, guess what, it's going to be far more difficult because I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE!!!!
I can't seem to communicate effectively and I'm taking things that people are saying completely wrong, like they're personally attacking me when I know better.
I told you this was going to be a pity party. Yes, I know, the license part is my own fault. Doesn't matter.
Thanks for listening, and yes, I am working on all of this. Just needed to allow the pressure cooker to release a little steam.
Imagine that, there are actually days where there are not bluebirds singing and flying around me and out of my butthole.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled program. Grateful for SR.
I have no urge to drink. The more I think about my state of being and my mind when I was drinking it reminds me of how much I really didn't like it. It was nothing more than me feeding my addiction. Done with that.
I'm feeling resentful that I want to attend more meetings but due to the fact that I have no license it's greatly reduced the ease of which I can get there. The first week I had an AA friend pick me up. Not going to do that every week. The next week I paid for UBER. I'm not in the financial position to keep doing that. I can get my husband to bring me but without explaining the dynamic, understand that I created this mess, he's doing his own thing and I don't want to impose on his time to cart my sorry behind around.
I want to replace the volunteer work I can no longer do with volunteering in our local recovery program. But, guess what, it's going to be far more difficult because I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE!!!!
I can't seem to communicate effectively and I'm taking things that people are saying completely wrong, like they're personally attacking me when I know better.
I told you this was going to be a pity party. Yes, I know, the license part is my own fault. Doesn't matter.
Thanks for listening, and yes, I am working on all of this. Just needed to allow the pressure cooker to release a little steam.
Imagine that, there are actually days where there are not bluebirds singing and flying around me and out of my butthole.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled program. Grateful for SR.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Good Morning!
I'm sorry you are having a rough day, we are all entitled to a pity party every now and again. I am sure your Snow White, Bluebird on my shoulder self will be back soon.
Any news on when you will get your license back? Can you do online meetings for a bit, and then ask for rides from your husband or a friend occasionally?
Are you able to walk anywhere around your neighborhood? I am a former New Yorker who now lives in California and at first it was culture shock that I couldn't just walk or take mass transportation anywhere, but there are some places I can walk.
I won't offer any more suggestions,must sending some hugs your way, and feel free to vent/gripe away!!!
❤️Delilah
I'm sorry you are having a rough day, we are all entitled to a pity party every now and again. I am sure your Snow White, Bluebird on my shoulder self will be back soon.
Any news on when you will get your license back? Can you do online meetings for a bit, and then ask for rides from your husband or a friend occasionally?
Are you able to walk anywhere around your neighborhood? I am a former New Yorker who now lives in California and at first it was culture shock that I couldn't just walk or take mass transportation anywhere, but there are some places I can walk.
I won't offer any more suggestions,must sending some hugs your way, and feel free to vent/gripe away!!!
❤️Delilah
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Thanks Delilah, maybe you just hit on what my source is for the situation.
No license until December. No chances of getting it back due to my refusal of the breathalyzer. Additionally, my DEEP counselor handed me a piece of paper the next to the last session I was at and told me that I now qualified for a "special" license. Which I'm assuming was the ability to get an ignition interlock device. My heart lept. I thought I wasn't going to be able to drive until December. Then, I call DEEP and they confirm this and tell me they already faxed the paperwork to the DMV. She gives me the number to the DMV and I call. The girl who answered had that teenage high pitched voice. You know the type, they use the word "like" umpteen times in three sentences. She asks for my name and DOB and then puts me on hold. She comes back to the phone and heaves this huge "tsk and sigh" (if I could have reached through the phone I would have slapped her) and rants to me how DEEP doesn't know what they're doing and they always fax paperwork on people who aren't eligible for a license which,like, by the way, like, includes me.
So, the proverbial carrot was dangled and then the rug was swiftly pulled out. Still, I'm no worse for the wear because nothing has changed but it really was a divebomb to get that possibility and have it sucked back in one day.
I think that since this is the first long weekend that I am without a license it's really hitting home that this is for 5 months. A drop in a bucket and thankful as it could be far worse. Still, the scope and depth of what it means to not have a license have really sunk in this weekend.
This is what you call paying for your mistake. I deserve this, I know it. Just boo hooing in my coffee. At least I'm not boo hooing in my beer! There, I knew I could find a positive in there somewhere!
No license until December. No chances of getting it back due to my refusal of the breathalyzer. Additionally, my DEEP counselor handed me a piece of paper the next to the last session I was at and told me that I now qualified for a "special" license. Which I'm assuming was the ability to get an ignition interlock device. My heart lept. I thought I wasn't going to be able to drive until December. Then, I call DEEP and they confirm this and tell me they already faxed the paperwork to the DMV. She gives me the number to the DMV and I call. The girl who answered had that teenage high pitched voice. You know the type, they use the word "like" umpteen times in three sentences. She asks for my name and DOB and then puts me on hold. She comes back to the phone and heaves this huge "tsk and sigh" (if I could have reached through the phone I would have slapped her) and rants to me how DEEP doesn't know what they're doing and they always fax paperwork on people who aren't eligible for a license which,like, by the way, like, includes me.
So, the proverbial carrot was dangled and then the rug was swiftly pulled out. Still, I'm no worse for the wear because nothing has changed but it really was a divebomb to get that possibility and have it sucked back in one day.
I think that since this is the first long weekend that I am without a license it's really hitting home that this is for 5 months. A drop in a bucket and thankful as it could be far worse. Still, the scope and depth of what it means to not have a license have really sunk in this weekend.
This is what you call paying for your mistake. I deserve this, I know it. Just boo hooing in my coffee. At least I'm not boo hooing in my beer! There, I knew I could find a positive in there somewhere!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Awww. Sending you a hug. Sometimes things get on top of us. I'm having one of those days as well.
Why are you so reluctant to ask for a regular ride to the meeting? Perhaps an offer of contributing to petrol money might even help someone else out, and you can always pay it forward when you get your licence back. This is what the fellowship is all about. Helping each other out when needed, especially to get to meetings. We are each others lifelines in this respect. I have use of my car, but still regularly share lifts (and am also happy to give them). And sometimes the chats that happen in the car on the way to and from meetings can be just as helpful as the meetings themselves.
Take care x
Why are you so reluctant to ask for a regular ride to the meeting? Perhaps an offer of contributing to petrol money might even help someone else out, and you can always pay it forward when you get your licence back. This is what the fellowship is all about. Helping each other out when needed, especially to get to meetings. We are each others lifelines in this respect. I have use of my car, but still regularly share lifts (and am also happy to give them). And sometimes the chats that happen in the car on the way to and from meetings can be just as helpful as the meetings themselves.
Take care x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527 
Imagine that, there are actually days where there are not bluebirds singing and flying around me and out of my butthole.
It's ok to vent, LadyBlue...I have plenty of days like that, myself ((hugs))What I am learning, is that acceptance sometimes means accepting those kinds of feelings. If I try to NOT have them, well...then they seem to persist longer.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Surrey
Posts: 65
Hang in there LadyBlue.
I lost my license a few years ago, and didn't get it back for a year. It was tough.
It is hard to do things without a license, especially when you want to do things that will help you in recovery like meetings and volunteer work..or even going to a fitness facility. And AA always says that someone will drive you, but it's not so easy having someone take you there and back all the time.
And everytime I said to someone, I can't do this or that because of i don't have a license, I would get 'Whose fault is that anyway? Who put herself in this situation?'
Yes - I know that. But that's not a supportive response! I hated hearing it!
Like I said, hang in there, do your best, the time will pass before you know it.
I lost my license a few years ago, and didn't get it back for a year. It was tough.
It is hard to do things without a license, especially when you want to do things that will help you in recovery like meetings and volunteer work..or even going to a fitness facility. And AA always says that someone will drive you, but it's not so easy having someone take you there and back all the time.
And everytime I said to someone, I can't do this or that because of i don't have a license, I would get 'Whose fault is that anyway? Who put herself in this situation?'
Yes - I know that. But that's not a supportive response! I hated hearing it!
Like I said, hang in there, do your best, the time will pass before you know it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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Originally Posted by ZenLifter
That is funny, right there It's ok to vent, LadyBlue...I have plenty of days like that, myself ((hugs)) What I am learning, is that acceptance sometimes means accepting those kinds of feelings. If I try to NOT have them, well...then they seem to persist longer.
It's ok to vent, LadyBlue...I have plenty of days like that, myself ((hugs)) What I am learning, is that acceptance sometimes means accepting those kinds of feelings. If I try to NOT have them, well...then they seem to persist longer. 
I know this will not in any way be helpful to you, but thanks for the laugh in the OP.Mini Novel Post Writer
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Awww. Sending you a hug. Sometimes things get on top of us. I'm having one of those days as well. Why are you so reluctant to ask for a regular ride to the meeting? Perhaps an offer of contributing to petrol money might even help someone else out, and you can always pay it forward when you get your licence back. This is what the fellowship is all about. Helping each other out when needed, especially to get to meetings. We are each others lifelines in this respect. I have use of my car, but still regularly share lifts (and am also happy to give them). And sometimes the chats that happen in the car on the way to and from meetings can be just as helpful as the meetings themselves. Take care x
Perhaps it's time to get over that and accept the rides.
Thank you for the reply
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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Originally Posted by KPForever
Hang in there LadyBlue. I lost my license a few years ago, and didn't get it back for a year. It was tough. It is hard to do things without a license, especially when you want to do things that will help you in recovery like meetings and volunteer work..or even going to a fitness facility. And AA always says that someone will drive you, but it's not so easy having someone take you there and back all the time. And everytime I said to someone, I can't do this or that because of i don't have a license, I would get 'Whose fault is that anyway? Who put herself in this situation?' Yes - I know that. But that's not a supportive response! I hated hearing it! Like I said, hang in there, do your best, the time will pass before you know it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Aw. It is good for our soul to be given the opportunity to help others. I'm always really grateful when I have the "means" to help someone. It gives me a sense of deep personal gratitude for the abundance in my life, my health, etc.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Hey Berrybean! I tried to offer money and she wouldn't accept it. She said that some day I would be doing the same for someone else and I fully intend to. As it is I have one if the girls at work picking me up and bringing me home almost every day. I feel like a major imposition to others and am trying not to be. I am so mad at me. I feel like such a loser right now.
Perhaps it's time to get over that and accept the rides.
Thank you for the reply
Perhaps it's time to get over that and accept the rides.
Thank you for the reply
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Hi LadyBlue, ugh, so sorry you're going through this!!! (Thanks for the laugh, tho!)
The whole legalities surrounding a DUI are head scratching. They take away your license, yet require you to attend AA meetings. Huh??? (Legally forcing AA meetings on people is another soapbox issue for me, but I digress...)
I also don't get why some are offered the ignition switch device and others are not. It makes no sense.
I can understand your reluctance to ask people for rides to meetings all the time, given the sheer amount of them each week. But maybe once in a while? I'm pretty sure there are AA meetings online, too, if you want to keep going that route.
There are definitely things you can do for your recovery that don't require meetings. Of course, coming on SR is one of them. When I was in rehab, there was a big library of healing-type books available to us. A few of my favorites were/are The Serenity Principle -- Finding Inner Peace In Recovery by Joseph Bailey; The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer; and Somebody Should Have Told Us! (Simple Truths for Living Well) by Jack Pransky.
While there, we also watched some Brenee Brown vidoes (she has a lot of them on the Oprah series), and I found them very uplifting and helpful.
I think it's important to make sure you keep your focus empowering and positive. It's easy to keep kicking yourself when your license has been taken away -- I remember doing that, too. I notice you are always quick to take responsibility for your DUI, which is good....but continually beating yourself over the head about it isn't helpful. Remember, YOU are not your DUI.
I hope there's a possibility you can get your license back sooner than December.
The whole legalities surrounding a DUI are head scratching. They take away your license, yet require you to attend AA meetings. Huh??? (Legally forcing AA meetings on people is another soapbox issue for me, but I digress...)
I also don't get why some are offered the ignition switch device and others are not. It makes no sense.
I can understand your reluctance to ask people for rides to meetings all the time, given the sheer amount of them each week. But maybe once in a while? I'm pretty sure there are AA meetings online, too, if you want to keep going that route.
There are definitely things you can do for your recovery that don't require meetings. Of course, coming on SR is one of them. When I was in rehab, there was a big library of healing-type books available to us. A few of my favorites were/are The Serenity Principle -- Finding Inner Peace In Recovery by Joseph Bailey; The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer; and Somebody Should Have Told Us! (Simple Truths for Living Well) by Jack Pransky.
While there, we also watched some Brenee Brown vidoes (she has a lot of them on the Oprah series), and I found them very uplifting and helpful.
I think it's important to make sure you keep your focus empowering and positive. It's easy to keep kicking yourself when your license has been taken away -- I remember doing that, too. I notice you are always quick to take responsibility for your DUI, which is good....but continually beating yourself over the head about it isn't helpful. Remember, YOU are not your DUI.
I hope there's a possibility you can get your license back sooner than December.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: FL
Posts: 28
Hi Blue,
It's normal to have these feelings and I'm happy that you came here to share. I second allowing others to help you. Who knows, knowing that you are depending on them could also keep them on the straight and narrow too. Symbiosis and all that.
It's normal to have these feelings and I'm happy that you came here to share. I second allowing others to help you. Who knows, knowing that you are depending on them could also keep them on the straight and narrow too. Symbiosis and all that.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
I get in funks all the time. - All feelings pass.
Just throwin' it out there - I got rides to meetings for over two years. If not wanting to get rides is an ego thing, get over it. - Funny thing is, both I and the people who regularly used to give me rides both miss that time together.
Just throwin' it out there - I got rides to meetings for over two years. If not wanting to get rides is an ego thing, get over it. - Funny thing is, both I and the people who regularly used to give me rides both miss that time together.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Perhaps it's time to get over that and accept the rides.
I have a hard time accepting help but finally - *for the most part* - accept it in this area. Fortunately, my parents still live here most of the time (vs at the beach house) and we have worked out a pretty consistent routine of me having one of their cars several days a week. They are also kind enough to take me and pick me up at work most days (I can walk but it is ridiculously hot here so I'd be a hot mess, literally, once I got there) and my mom has a credit card on file for UBER/lyft. I realize I am incredibly lucky.
Transportation is tough in Atlanta- it is a driving city. Saying "yes" when people at meetings offer is something I have to consciously do, as well as let friends pick me up- or meet me super close to home- when we have plans. Have to accept others' gifts of service (even non-program friends). Hard for the ego - but working on accepting it as long as the situation lasts, well, makes life easier.
And - maybe think about (or talk to) the deal with your husband. Maybe he wants you sober more than he minds his plans being interrupted? I know that is the case with my parents.
Hang in there- I've convinced myself that this too shall pass. Annoyingly, a lot of the time, but daily!!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Call the DMV back and maybe you'll find someone else who knows how to help you. You do the footwork. Also, ask for a ride from other people, it's what we need (not want) to do. When we reach out and allow others to help us, we are also helping ourselves. It's about fully human interaction, something we kinda missed when we were drinking. Set the ego aside and be proactive and accepting....
What step are you working on now? Hopefully you are getting past 7 and moving forward with those steps!
What step are you working on now? Hopefully you are getting past 7 and moving forward with those steps!
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