desertsong

I have been sober for quite awhile, though some days I feel like I am just barely managing. Those of you who know me know that I am a single mom of a disabled child and used to drink to cope. My ex husband gives me all of his money to help financially support our boy, but he never sees him or helps me directly with his care. I am worn out. I finally hired a caregiver this week, but she doesn't start for another couple of weeks, so here I am on a long holiday weekend with this very active boy.

Today, after a long morning with this child, I considered getting hammered. Sounded like a really good idea, too. I have three more days with this kid over the holiday weekend, and no help, and I am already fried. I know logically that getting drunk will only make things worse, but drinking was always my "go to" when life got tough with this kid. Alcohol was an escape from the hard times. I hate it and don't want it. But I am feeling really challenged right now. I am tired. My senses are raw. This kid is tearing apart my house, making messes everywhere he goes, and is bored out of his mind. I get that - it's hard for him to be out of his routine and he does what he does because he doesn't know what else to do. That's the reality of autism.

But the reality of being an autism mom is that we are in a constant state of burn-out. Tired, cranky, overwhelmed, annoyed, hopeless. I plan to go to bed sober tonight but my AV is working overtime, telling me that I "deserve" a break from the madness. Of course, the AV is madness in and of itself. I don't know what I'm looking for here ... I suppose just a few friendly voices telling me that I will be okay and don't need to drink to survive this weekend. Speak some sense into me, please. I would be appreciative.

doggonecarl

Desertsong, I pray you find the strength to carry on sober.

I can only imagine what you are going through. I don't have children, much less a disabled child. but I have had stressors that I used to drink to deal with. I really do a better job of coping sober and not checking out. There really is no checking out. It will be there to face us when we are done drinking, hungover and guilty.

Invisiblegarden

I had a friend her son has autism he would never sleep at night drive her nuts all day so I would go with her at bedtime and we would drive an hr away to a 24hr ice cream shop the kids would pass out in the backseat and she could put her head back on and it gave her a chance to treat herself and not have to do anything for her child.

Venecia

You deserve so much better than anything inside a bottle, Desert.

I'm sorry you're hurting. The challenges you face must be really hard.

Help is on the horizon. That's a good thing to remember. Don't drink. It won't make anything better, only worse.

(((Desertsong)))

soberclover

I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace. I don't have experience with an autistic child but I know from working in a school it can be exhausting. I know you know drinking won't make the situation better.

I hope friends and/or family could help you until the hired caregiver starts. Messy houses can always be put back together later. Drinking will not help.

(((Big hugs)))

Dee74

I'm sorry you're so worn down DS, but I'm glad there's help on the horizon.
There's always help here too 24/7.

You've been doing amazingly well

Drinking would not be a solution to this problem, or even a respite.
Thats The AV lying it's head off.

I hope the weekend turns out better than you fear

D

desertsong

Thank you, Carl. Yes, the truth is, I deal with him much better sober than I ever did when I was drinking. I have to remind myself of that. Drunk me had no patience, no tolerance for anything. Sober me can deal with stuff, no matter how difficult. I have to remember that. My AV wants to be blackout drunk so I can just disappear and not have to deal with anything. Insane. But sometimes, blackout drunk seems like a really good idea. Not in the morning, though ... thank you.

desertsong

Thanks, Dee. The voice of reason. I know the truth, just avoid it sometimes. We look for the instant relief, but know deep down it is a lie. Thank you.

Opivotal

((Desertsong)) sounds like your help is arriving in the nick of time.

Hold on a little longer. Maybe a nice bubble bath when your son goes to sleep. You'll never be sorry in the morning.

Is there anyone that can help you in the coming days? Even if it's for a few hours, it'll give you a chance to breathe.

I wish, I could help you out.

Please don't let that AV win, you've come so far. I'm glad you reached out.

desertsong

Thanks, hon. No, no help until the second week of July. House is in disarray ... water pressure is screwed up, so no bath. Takes an hour to fill the bathtub. Another challenge to deal with. But thank you. The kid is bouncing off the walls but I am maintaining. I can't explain it ... I am fighting the urge to drink and yet at the same time, I am amazingly calm. Must be the sweet vibes from my peeps here on the forum.

Delilah1

Hi Desertsong,

I am glad you will have a caregiver starting soon. Do you have any family/friends that can lend a hand in the mean time? It is great that your ex supports you financially, but I am sure having him involved in your son's care would help as well. Is there any chance that might happen?

I know in California there are lots of services available through Regional Center for kiddos with autism. Do youngster assistance from any outside agencies? How old is your son? Does he attend school yet? Will he over the summer?

As a former special Ed teacher, current school principal I know there are many challenges that come with raising a child with autism. I hope you are able to find some supports until the caregiver starts.

Proud of you for remaining sober!!!

❤️ Delilah

Ariesagain

Sending you a giant hug. You are one awesome cookie.

Hevyn

Good things were already said - so I'll just say I admire you so very much for getting sober while dealing with this challenge. To come here and write a coherent post under the circumstances is quite an accomplishment. You are to be admired, DS. Drinking to cope always, always backfires on us - but this you already know. Sending love. Please keep posting - we'll be thinking of you.

IvanMike

Hang in there.

It's normal for us to occasionally want to escape when life gets overwhelming. Being honest about it and telling on yourself is essential so you get a big "attagirl".

We both know where getting loaded leads, so hang tough. Do you go to AA or NA or any other face to face support? Even If you can't go due to your situation, it might help to develop some relationships with other women with some time clean and sober.

I don't have disabled kids, but I do have children and I worked in the field for 19 years. I still have some pretty good scars from some of my favorite autistic people.

Glad you're getting some help. It can be frustrating, but it helps to be persistent with agencies in order to get help. It can take a long time, but trust me, if you call enough, people start to make you a priority.

tursiops999

hey desertsong, just thinking of you. That sounds tough, and I admire you for staying sober through these challenges. You do "deserve" a break, but we know alcohol doesn't really give us a break, it just adds to our problems. Maybe seek out small moments of respite, finding ways to take tiny breaks in the middle of the chaos? A deep breath, gazing at a photo or image that comforts you, a quiet bit of music that brings you joy or comfort? And remembering that everything passes, everything changes ... you won't always feel how you do right now. A clean house is less important than your well-being ... maybe leave the messes for now?

I don't have any great wisdom, but am thinking of you ... keep checking in.

fini

you don't need to drink to survive this, desert.
there. you wanted us to tell you.

and you know, it's the AV that says "drink", but i'm thinking the voice that tells you you deserve a break is quite a caring one. you do deserve a break. and you will get one a few days down the road.
and you can grab that break and plan something nice for yourself. which you also deserve.

the part that is irrational is to have "break" equal "drunk".

don't forget that deep breathing thing people so often talk about.

can you go out with him , somewhere he can release some energy without wrecking your place?

Anna

I'm really glad you posted and glad to hear that you are getting some extra help soon. I'm sure you are tired and stretched and need a break. Hopefully, with the new caregiver, you will be able to get away for an hour or so and do something relaxing and enjoyable. Hugs to you!

least

What would happen if your child needed you and you were drunk? Might be really bad. You never know what will happen once you start drinking. Please don't go there.

dwtbd

The AV is the biggest fattest liar there is , and sometimes the loudest.
You're awesome and doing great, keep it up, hope you can some respite from the 'messer' and from being messed with(AV).
I have a disabled child and used alcohol as a 'respite' and an escape , took a real long time to realize it was neither, and I'm sure you get that, squash that AV , coz you are awesome

desertsong

Thank you. Thank you so much. I knew I could count on you to keep me sane. He is calm now, finally. Going to put him to bed now and will follow him, hopefully to sleep. It is hard. This day was so incredibly long, but I'm still here and still sober and sane (somewhat). Bless your hearts for your kind words. They mean more than you know.