i really want to tell my boss
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 74
i really want to tell my boss
sorry.. i know this has been asked many times, trust me i searched first and read most, posting anyway b/c after reading i'm still undecided and maybe need opinions directed at me.
how detrimental is it really? my boss seems pretty cool. i feel he definitely deserves an answer to my lack of performance. i'm an honest person, i'm at the point now i think it's almost disrespectful to NOT tell him. but like all the other posts, i'm battling with how necessary that is if "i can quietly fix it myself".
90 day outpatient, he knows i'm in "medical treatment" for a "health problem" and he's given me lots of space for it. but my performance is terrible compared to what it was and should be. absolutely everyone in my personal life says don't tell him, my company's HR department said it's legally none of his business, but here i am embarrassed about my behavior and lack of performance, how bad is it if i just tell him straight up?
i asked my mom this last night. she had good advice.. saying your lack of performance now, once you fix your problem and some other day the project gets tough and you're only 95% capacity you'll always be scrutinized about whether this current problem has resurfaced. i agreed.
but after giving it some thought.. is that such a bad thing? my boss gives me 150% pile of work, would i not be motivated to crank it out for that fact alone? so he DOESN'T question whether that situation has reappeared and must be why i missed a mark? and at the expense of my career only advancing? part of me says let him always wonder about it, and then watch me deliver every time and always prove it wrong? that can't hurt. sure it's easier said than done, but he's a reasonable guy and he's by no means an id10t. he usually doesn't throw me more than i can handle, he knows limits and what's excessive, and sometimes when the going gets tough, i get tougher. it's how i worked to get to this Sr. level position. i don't want to lose my job, and i won't lose it. but day by day i keep becoming more interested in going against what absolutely everyone has told me-- DONT TELL HIM -- and just tell him. rather than patronize him like i feel like i'm doing now, about my outpatient being a "get healthy campaign". he's not stupid. he probably already suspects it.
am i answering my own question here? i'm just so torn. i see both sides. i'm dying to level up with him, he's probably eager for me to do it too, but i also see how it's not necessary to reveal it if it's going to be a thing of the past one day. problem is that one day isn't coming as fast as i hoped. i'm working on it, but it's front and center. my work is taking an impact, he knows i have "health problems" but me personally i'm almost hating that stigma more than just telling him hey man I'm working on an alcohol addiction. health problems sounds like i have Polio or Lupus or something. not that Alcoholism is any better... but at least maybe he can relate to that a little more.
what do you guys think? is it career suicide, or screw it just man up and tell the man what he may already suspect?
thanks in advance
-d
how detrimental is it really? my boss seems pretty cool. i feel he definitely deserves an answer to my lack of performance. i'm an honest person, i'm at the point now i think it's almost disrespectful to NOT tell him. but like all the other posts, i'm battling with how necessary that is if "i can quietly fix it myself".
90 day outpatient, he knows i'm in "medical treatment" for a "health problem" and he's given me lots of space for it. but my performance is terrible compared to what it was and should be. absolutely everyone in my personal life says don't tell him, my company's HR department said it's legally none of his business, but here i am embarrassed about my behavior and lack of performance, how bad is it if i just tell him straight up?
i asked my mom this last night. she had good advice.. saying your lack of performance now, once you fix your problem and some other day the project gets tough and you're only 95% capacity you'll always be scrutinized about whether this current problem has resurfaced. i agreed.
but after giving it some thought.. is that such a bad thing? my boss gives me 150% pile of work, would i not be motivated to crank it out for that fact alone? so he DOESN'T question whether that situation has reappeared and must be why i missed a mark? and at the expense of my career only advancing? part of me says let him always wonder about it, and then watch me deliver every time and always prove it wrong? that can't hurt. sure it's easier said than done, but he's a reasonable guy and he's by no means an id10t. he usually doesn't throw me more than i can handle, he knows limits and what's excessive, and sometimes when the going gets tough, i get tougher. it's how i worked to get to this Sr. level position. i don't want to lose my job, and i won't lose it. but day by day i keep becoming more interested in going against what absolutely everyone has told me-- DONT TELL HIM -- and just tell him. rather than patronize him like i feel like i'm doing now, about my outpatient being a "get healthy campaign". he's not stupid. he probably already suspects it.
am i answering my own question here? i'm just so torn. i see both sides. i'm dying to level up with him, he's probably eager for me to do it too, but i also see how it's not necessary to reveal it if it's going to be a thing of the past one day. problem is that one day isn't coming as fast as i hoped. i'm working on it, but it's front and center. my work is taking an impact, he knows i have "health problems" but me personally i'm almost hating that stigma more than just telling him hey man I'm working on an alcohol addiction. health problems sounds like i have Polio or Lupus or something. not that Alcoholism is any better... but at least maybe he can relate to that a little more.
what do you guys think? is it career suicide, or screw it just man up and tell the man what he may already suspect?
thanks in advance
-d
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
How long have you been sober? If I were in your shoes I would not tell him. Complete your program, get back to work, stay sober. If in a year you wish to level, then reconsider.
Once you let that genie out of the bottle, there is no turning back.
Once you let that genie out of the bottle, there is no turning back.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You are making a whole lot of assumptions about what someone else "might" think or do here, and in the end we can never really know what other people think. Even if your boss did know why you are on leave it would be inappropriate ( and illegal ) to treat you differently because of it.
I'd say keep your personal life personal and just do your best job when you get back.
I'd say keep your personal life personal and just do your best job when you get back.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I wouldn't tell him. Your mom has a good point. Also, unless you know your boss would be ok and his boss and your bosses boss and all the way up the good food chain would be ok with it. Any one of them could think the situation is too much of a liability and they could find away to let you go. It's best to just stay sober and let your work speak for itself. Besides, it's hard to stay sober and if you tell them and mess up once it could be over.
Ps, your company could also have a policy manual that has 0 tolerance. Make sure you check that before making any decisions.
Ps, your company could also have a policy manual that has 0 tolerance. Make sure you check that before making any decisions.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I have learned to check my motivations with most things. What is the purpose of me doing what I'm about to do? Am I prepared for any consequences both sort and long term? Do I have zero expectations for the results - if not I'm in trouble before I start.
You've discussed the issue with loved ones and your inner circle - they know you a lot better than anyone here. Yet you already have your mind made up to go against all counsel it appears
Why?
You've discussed the issue with loved ones and your inner circle - they know you a lot better than anyone here. Yet you already have your mind made up to go against all counsel it appears
Why?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I fall on the side of not telling him, for all the reasons previously listed.
And I'm with FlyNBuy. Why are you wanting to tell him? It is placing a burden on him that he does not need to have. What is your motivation, other than to clear your conscience of some perceived "lie"? I don't see it as a lie, I see it as a private personal matter that you are handling and that will only continue to improve your performance once you are healthy again.
And I'm with FlyNBuy. Why are you wanting to tell him? It is placing a burden on him that he does not need to have. What is your motivation, other than to clear your conscience of some perceived "lie"? I don't see it as a lie, I see it as a private personal matter that you are handling and that will only continue to improve your performance once you are healthy again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Absolutely do not tell your boss or any of your co-workers about your alcoholism.
I can understand you wanted to unburden yourself but work is not the place to do so.
What will happen in a couple of months if thee is a problem with your job, maybe you're late a couple of times, or miss a day or two being sick? Will your boss wonder if you're drinking again? Will your co-workers gossip about you?
In my opinion, there is nothing to be gained. Recognize that alcoholism is still stigmatized by many people, even if they seem cool about it.
I can understand you wanted to unburden yourself but work is not the place to do so.
What will happen in a couple of months if thee is a problem with your job, maybe you're late a couple of times, or miss a day or two being sick? Will your boss wonder if you're drinking again? Will your co-workers gossip about you?
In my opinion, there is nothing to be gained. Recognize that alcoholism is still stigmatized by many people, even if they seem cool about it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
I must join the others here. Do not tell your boss. I never told my boss about my problems even though it was obvious I was not performing well. I am doing better now, and am glad I never admitted anything. Co workers gossip and even though your boss might understand his boss might not. Also, co workers are sometimes your next boss. The less they know about your struggles the better. Get sober, perform better, and that will be the best. Just my two cents.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
A lot of people have tried to take the "high road" and have come open to their bosses, supervisors, coworkers, etc. and a lot of those people found themselves without a job for one reason or another.
Addiction does not have a good success rate and that is what your boss or a manager might take into consideration. Even if you are a great worker..you have now made yourself a risk and there is always someone else out there that will be just as good a worker as you and they won't come with the risk of a relapse so see where management quickly moves towards hiring the non risk person?
If you are really hell bent on telling him then you need to also be okay with losing your job. Sure it might be fine now, or the next 6 months, or the next year but you have to go into the situation feeling okay with being fired. If you are not okay with losing your job, then I would not tell him.
Addiction does not have a good success rate and that is what your boss or a manager might take into consideration. Even if you are a great worker..you have now made yourself a risk and there is always someone else out there that will be just as good a worker as you and they won't come with the risk of a relapse so see where management quickly moves towards hiring the non risk person?
If you are really hell bent on telling him then you need to also be okay with losing your job. Sure it might be fine now, or the next 6 months, or the next year but you have to go into the situation feeling okay with being fired. If you are not okay with losing your job, then I would not tell him.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Do you know what the 5 most spoken words are in an office?
"Hey, don't tell anyone, but................"
You've disclosed to HR, that's all that's necessary. Office gossip is the absolute worst because then you have to work with these people on a day to day basis.
I know you like your boss and you'd like to think that he'd never say a word. Why chance it? You're doing good work and you don't need the rumor and gossip mill in on it.
"Hey, don't tell anyone, but................"
You've disclosed to HR, that's all that's necessary. Office gossip is the absolute worst because then you have to work with these people on a day to day basis.
I know you like your boss and you'd like to think that he'd never say a word. Why chance it? You're doing good work and you don't need the rumor and gossip mill in on it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
Having been on both sides of this my answer would be don't mention it. Fair or not people with substance abuse problems are considered very high risk. They may not legally be able to terminate you for it but if they find out you will be under a microscope the whole time your employed there.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Most normies view alcoholics with disdain and mistrust. They believe alcoholics are weak willed people who are going to fail in life.
Stay sober, work hard and the issue will become irrelevant to both you and your boss.
Stay sober, work hard and the issue will become irrelevant to both you and your boss.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I don't know whether you should or should not. And that's not important. BUT, the important thing is the YOU don't know yourself yet whether you think it is a good idea. In which case, what should you do now? I'd suggest, what you should do now is focus on your work and put the decision about whether or not to tell him on the back burner for a while. What's the rush? And why do you want to tell your boss so much? What are you hoping for from it? And, more importantly (because you are there to work after all - that's what they're paying you for) is there anything you can do to get yourself back to full productivity? Is there something extra needed on your recovery plan?
One of the things that is fairly typical of alcoholics is the desire for instant everything. Mostly gratification or relief, but also for example,relationships that go from nothing to love-of-our-lives within a week. We want either none or it, or all of it. We swing from 5 mph to 90mph on most things, and the truth is that life gets better for us when we have learned to be a little bit more balanced. It's not a case of tell someone nothing, or tell people every tiny thing.
If you're worried he'll think you're slacking you could mention to him that you realise you're not completely back to speed yet as it's taking a while to get back to full form. To be honest, that could be the same whatever reason you've been away. While you're in there ask for an update of how things went at work while you were away. And listen to the answer. As it has been said, it really is better (esp for alcoholics in recovery) to console rather than look for consolation, understand others rather than look for them to understand us, and to act in a loving and compassionate way to others, rather than just hope others will be so for us. It really is in giving that we receive. Because that's how we practice right-sizing ourselves. We really are only the tiniest stitch in the tapestry, not the center piece of the picture that is woven there. And once we understand and accept that, it is so much easier to accept life on life's terms, our own imperfections and those of others, and we can cope better when people don't seem as interested or compassionate or giving as we feel we are entitled to.
People on these boards, and in the AA meetings I attend have met with very mixed reactions when telling people about their addiction issues.
One of the things that is fairly typical of alcoholics is the desire for instant everything. Mostly gratification or relief, but also for example,relationships that go from nothing to love-of-our-lives within a week. We want either none or it, or all of it. We swing from 5 mph to 90mph on most things, and the truth is that life gets better for us when we have learned to be a little bit more balanced. It's not a case of tell someone nothing, or tell people every tiny thing.
If you're worried he'll think you're slacking you could mention to him that you realise you're not completely back to speed yet as it's taking a while to get back to full form. To be honest, that could be the same whatever reason you've been away. While you're in there ask for an update of how things went at work while you were away. And listen to the answer. As it has been said, it really is better (esp for alcoholics in recovery) to console rather than look for consolation, understand others rather than look for them to understand us, and to act in a loving and compassionate way to others, rather than just hope others will be so for us. It really is in giving that we receive. Because that's how we practice right-sizing ourselves. We really are only the tiniest stitch in the tapestry, not the center piece of the picture that is woven there. And once we understand and accept that, it is so much easier to accept life on life's terms, our own imperfections and those of others, and we can cope better when people don't seem as interested or compassionate or giving as we feel we are entitled to.
People on these boards, and in the AA meetings I attend have met with very mixed reactions when telling people about their addiction issues.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by picturebigger 
sorry.. i know this has been asked many times, trust me i searched first and read most, posting anyway b/c after reading i'm still undecided and maybe need opinions directed at me.
how detrimental is it really? my boss seems pretty cool. i feel he definitely deserves an answer to my lack of performance. i'm an honest person, i'm at the point now i think it's almost disrespectful to NOT tell him. but like all the other posts, i'm battling with how necessary that is if "i can quietly fix it myself".
90 day outpatient, he knows i'm in "medical treatment" for a "health problem" and he's given me lots of space for it. but my performance is terrible compared to what it was and should be. absolutely everyone in my personal life says don't tell him, my company's HR department said it's legally none of his business, but here i am embarrassed about my behavior and lack of performance, how bad is it if i just tell him straight up?
i asked my mom this last night. she had good advice.. saying your lack of performance now, once you fix your problem and some other day the project gets tough and you're only 95% capacity you'll always be scrutinized about whether this current problem has resurfaced. i agreed.
but after giving it some thought.. is that such a bad thing? my boss gives me 150% pile of work, would i not be motivated to crank it out for that fact alone? so he DOESN'T question whether that situation has reappeared and must be why i missed a mark? and at the expense of my career only advancing? part of me says let him always wonder about it, and then watch me deliver every time and always prove it wrong? that can't hurt. sure it's easier said than done, but he's a reasonable guy and he's by no means an id10t. he usually doesn't throw me more than i can handle, he knows limits and what's excessive, and sometimes when the going gets tough, i get tougher. it's how i worked to get to this Sr. level position. i don't want to lose my job, and i won't lose it. but day by day i keep becoming more interested in going against what absolutely everyone has told me-- DONT TELL HIM -- and just tell him. rather than patronize him like i feel like i'm doing now, about my outpatient being a "get healthy campaign". he's not stupid. he probably already suspects it.
am i answering my own question here? i'm just so torn. i see both sides. i'm dying to level up with him, he's probably eager for me to do it too, but i also see how it's not necessary to reveal it if it's going to be a thing of the past one day. problem is that one day isn't coming as fast as i hoped. i'm working on it, but it's front and center. my work is taking an impact, he knows i have "health problems" but me personally i'm almost hating that stigma more than just telling him hey man I'm working on an alcohol addiction. health problems sounds like i have Polio or Lupus or something. not that Alcoholism is any better... but at least maybe he can relate to that a little more.
what do you guys think? is it career suicide, or screw it just man up and tell the man what he may already suspect?
thanks in advance
-d
how detrimental is it really? my boss seems pretty cool. i feel he definitely deserves an answer to my lack of performance. i'm an honest person, i'm at the point now i think it's almost disrespectful to NOT tell him. but like all the other posts, i'm battling with how necessary that is if "i can quietly fix it myself".
90 day outpatient, he knows i'm in "medical treatment" for a "health problem" and he's given me lots of space for it. but my performance is terrible compared to what it was and should be. absolutely everyone in my personal life says don't tell him, my company's HR department said it's legally none of his business, but here i am embarrassed about my behavior and lack of performance, how bad is it if i just tell him straight up?
i asked my mom this last night. she had good advice.. saying your lack of performance now, once you fix your problem and some other day the project gets tough and you're only 95% capacity you'll always be scrutinized about whether this current problem has resurfaced. i agreed.
but after giving it some thought.. is that such a bad thing? my boss gives me 150% pile of work, would i not be motivated to crank it out for that fact alone? so he DOESN'T question whether that situation has reappeared and must be why i missed a mark? and at the expense of my career only advancing? part of me says let him always wonder about it, and then watch me deliver every time and always prove it wrong? that can't hurt. sure it's easier said than done, but he's a reasonable guy and he's by no means an id10t. he usually doesn't throw me more than i can handle, he knows limits and what's excessive, and sometimes when the going gets tough, i get tougher. it's how i worked to get to this Sr. level position. i don't want to lose my job, and i won't lose it. but day by day i keep becoming more interested in going against what absolutely everyone has told me-- DONT TELL HIM -- and just tell him. rather than patronize him like i feel like i'm doing now, about my outpatient being a "get healthy campaign". he's not stupid. he probably already suspects it.
am i answering my own question here? i'm just so torn. i see both sides. i'm dying to level up with him, he's probably eager for me to do it too, but i also see how it's not necessary to reveal it if it's going to be a thing of the past one day. problem is that one day isn't coming as fast as i hoped. i'm working on it, but it's front and center. my work is taking an impact, he knows i have "health problems" but me personally i'm almost hating that stigma more than just telling him hey man I'm working on an alcohol addiction. health problems sounds like i have Polio or Lupus or something. not that Alcoholism is any better... but at least maybe he can relate to that a little more.
what do you guys think? is it career suicide, or screw it just man up and tell the man what he may already suspect?
thanks in advance
-d
More importantly be well and focus for now on yourself.
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