soberaccountant

I thought things were going so well , and that life was going to get better for me sooner rather than later. I guess i'll have to keep waiting for that if I can survive this. Maybe I am being dramatic or a coward, but this wasn't supposed to be my life.

Yesterday I talked with my public defender and found out that I could be losing my license for a year rather than a month as previous expectations were set. It sounds like I may have to do a couple of more days in jail or work release as well since I have a refusal to take a chemical test on my DUI. I wish I would've never done that, or put myself in the circumstance in the first place. I was never one to drink and drive, and why I did that night still bothers me to this day. I still dont remember anything about that night and dont know why I acted the way I did--but stupid is as stupid does I guess.

Come May 13th I will be 90 days sober. It is something I want to celebrate but I dont feel it in me to do so when the rest of my life is in shambles. I know some of you will probably say at least I have my sobriety, but I will ask at what cost?

I am willing to admit now that I am an alcoholic and that I cannot go back to drinking if I dont want to end up in this situation again. I was never a binge drinker or any of the like, I had a couple every now and then with friends and would be fine with it. I got depressed one day when I found out I was losing my job and went off the deep end. I didn't need another lay off, I didn't want to go through that again. All I did was make my circumstances worse.

Now I face the prospects of not being able to drive for a year, I guess I just have to accept that if it does end up going that way. I was so hopeful when the PD said she could get the refusal stricken, now that doesn't seem to be the case. I am upset at this because it severely limits the area I can look for work. Much of the work I have been able to find is 25-50 miles away from me, an impossible commute without a car in Southern California, and there is no public transportation that is reliable to get me to work and get me back to town on time so I can attend whatever alcohol schooling I will be required to attend here.

So now I have to look for anything that I can possibly find in my tri-city area which really isn't much. I'll fall further behind my peers and my chances of ever getting into a solid career seems to be slipping further and further away. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to wake up anymore. I wouldn't do anything to myself because that would hurt my family and friends more than me.

I just hope some how some way I can get through all of this, and that somehow I can find a job in my field and not make my degree and all my hard work worthless.

I have court again come May 19th, and will be meeting with mental health beforehand to get help with this immense level of depression and anxiety that I have been feeling.

I am sorry to deliver such bad news. I hope your lives are going better than mine.

Anna

Good job on 90 days of sobriety, Soberaccountant!

Have you thought how lucky you are that you didn't kill someone or yourself that night? If you look at it that way, then you may feel blessed.

I'm really glad you are getting help for the depression and anxiety and hopefully you will be able to move on from this.

Coldfusion

Hi accountant! Almost 90 days is awesome!

A lot of what you call "bad news" is actually projections of the future. Are you going to recovery meetings and keeping a record for the judge? This will not only set you on a program to not regret the past or fear economic insecurity, but will also show the authorities that you are serious about recovery.

suki44883

Can your public defender help you get an occupational license; one where you can drive to and from work and to the grocery store only? You may have to get an interlock installed, but at least you would be able to find work and then get there.

Meraviglioso

Congratulations on 90 days sober. Not only is it good for you personally but it should look good to the judge and hopefully persuade him or her to grant you a work exception on you license where you are allowed to drive to and from work.
I know all of this seems like the end of the world right now, but I promise you that you will get through this. You will. You will find a job, you will have a good life, you move past your mistakes. As Anna said, you are so fortunate that you did not hurt yourself or anyone else that night. Keep up the sobriety and you will see that each day that passes it gets easier to accept. We are here anytime your anxiety gets out of control and you need to talk to someone but I am really glad to hear you are meeting with a mental health specialist as well.
Sending you a big hug.

Soberwolf

This 1 trillion %

I think your kicking yourself when your down my suggestion is a gratitude
list you said something about at least you have your sobriety but at what cost - think about the angle your looking at this from there is no cost to sobriety if you feel your missing out that's really common it's known as FOMO fear if missing out when really your only missing an illusion ?

fantail

A friend of my got a DUI in southern California. He's actually not an alcoholic, he was the DD and blew a .09 I think... just made a stupid mistake about how long he should wait before driving. In any event I know he said there were a lot of people in the classes he went to who were similarly going to be in dire straits in terms of work because of the driving restrictions. I lived in that part of the country for a while and it's impossible to get around without driving! They must be able to make an exception for work reasons I hope?

In any case some words of hope... last June I lost my job in a drunken blaze of the opposite of glory. I could barely breathe from the shame of it for months afterwards. It's taken a lot of work and some massive jabs to my ego, including moving across the country to live with my mother for a while, but I've been able to rebuild. I have a decent freelance routine going and have been having a lot of promising interviews for jobs of the same caliber as the one I "left" erm, destroyed. It's far from a done deal yet but I think if things go well this will be firmly behind me soon. It took a lot of "hungry" but that is certainly what I was after last year's experience. I think you'll be surprised at how resourceful you will end up being even in situations you never thought you'd find yourself in. I've been there.

buk1000

I'm not sure I understand. Your decision to choose sobriety didn't cause any of the problems you have listed. If anything, it has made sure you didn't compound your problems any further.

17 years ago I was in your exact situation, except that I had just gotten my 2nd DUI. I did not choose sobriety. I got another DUI 30 days later. I ended up losing my license for 14 months and going to jail for a week. I also lived 2 miles out in the country and got a lot of exercise over the next 14 months walking to and from work (and anywhere else I wanted to go.) I did get sober after the 3rd DUI and my life improved dramatically in every respect.

I got sober at NO cost and at great reward. I didn't always see it that way in the early months, but there is simply no other way to look at it now. I owe nearly everything I have in my life today to that decision. I was able to continue in my career, though my employers were hesitant at first.

I hope that you are able to see this in time as a small bump in the road. All is not lost, but please don't compound your situation further by getting hammered.

soberaccountant

Hi Anna,

I have and am grateful for that. I don't know what I was thinking that night, I am extremely remorseful about the ordeal. My life right now feels over though. It seems impossible to find work, I don't know how court is going to pan out, I don't know how long my license will be suspended(first it was a month now possibly a year). I am desperate to get my life back on track. I would do anything to get things where they need to be again. Everyone tells me it takes time but I am afraid of how much time I really have left. I am only getting older and falling further and further behind everyone else. All I have ever wanted was success and to be able to take care of my family. I dont know how I am going to be able to do all of that with this going on. It scares me, and I cant seem to stop shedding tears.

soberaccountant

I have been keeping a record of all that, and the sober living director that is a family friend is helping me keep that all together when we go back to court later this month. I was going every day for awhile, and when my license suspension kicked in I was only able to go twice a week. Now I am trying to go everyday by bicycle or walking.

ScottFromWI

Out of curiosity, do they have anything like an "occupational" license in CA? I got a DUI many, many years ago and I lost my license for 6 months. But I was able to get an occupational licence which restricted me to driving only by myself during certain hours of the day just to get myself to work and back. No passengers, no night driving allowed.

soberaccountant

They dont require the interlock for first time offense in my county. But because during my drunkeness I refused to submit to a blood or breath test, they can suspend my license for a year without any restriction eligibility. I wont know until I go to court this month if thats what going to be the case. The PD told me initially that she thought she could get the refusal stricken, now shes not so sure of it. If it can be stricken, then I would be able to get a restricted license but if not then I am at risk of losing it for a year with no restriction eligibility.

soberaccountant

I really do appreciate that, and I appreciate everyone here on these forums who has taken time out of their day to write to me and respond to my postings. It is something that I am always going to try hard to pay it forward whether it be on this forum or in the outside world.

Right now it really does feel a lot like the end for me, but I am trying my hardest not to see it that way. I am so worried about my future. I am so heart broken that I have had to burden my family for rides to the store or when I was working to my job to help me get around. My dad has been so loving and helpful in all of this, and I feel so bad. I didnt ask him to do any of this, he just offered and has since kept helping me.

I will say this experience has got me closer to my parents, but I feel so bad because it seems like it has got me closer to them in a wrong way. All I have ever wanted to do was make my parents proud and to accomplish things so that I can help them in the future. Now I dont know if i'll ever be able to do that.

soberaccountant

I dont completely understand what you mean, but I appreciate it anyway. My sobriety only came as a result of this arrest, the pending charges I face, the penalties I must pay, the loss of my license, the inability to find a job in my field. My sobriety came as a result of my heart break and mistake, and I dont know how to win my good life back.

soberaccountant

That is normally the case here as well, but apparently during my ordeal I refused to allow the police to take a breath or blood sample of me. I dont remember doing any of this, I was blacked out and stupid. They had to get a warrant to get my blood, and I complied with the warrant. Now because of that I face not being able to get a restricted license, and will have to deal with a one year suspension.

I dont know how this whole refusal thing works. The DMV didnt suspend me for refusal, they just treated it like a regular DUI(and I dont know why, DMV usually does the suspensions here). I dont know if the court will impose their own suspension, or if they will notify the DMV of the refusal and they will suspend me longer. I am stuck waiting and seeing what is next now.

AnvilheadII

i think the point is there is a LOT in your life that is ALREADY good right now! find things to be grateful for. they ARE there.

regarding work, maybe you just need to think outside of the box a bit more, get creative, think more about what you'd really LIKE to be doing, rather than what your job title SAYS you should do. i get that southern california isn't the most commuter friendly place on the planet and that creates CHALLENGES....but i'm sure you are not the ONLY person in the region that does not have a car - either by choice or circumstance.

plus right now it's all speculation on what MAY happen in court.

i believe you can figure this out.....one step at a time, one challenge at a time.

Dee74

I think you have to remember all this stuff stems from your drinking, not your sobreity.

Things are going to get better but you need to be patient and pay the piper first soberaccountant.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh - it's just the facts - but you'll always find support here.
90 days, especially under trying circumstances, is awesome

D

Anna

Don't let this dissuade you from moving on with your life. You may have to slow things down and make some unwanted changes, but you can still work towards the life you want.

Outonthetiles

Do you qualify for an Occupational License, assuming there's such an animal in CA? If not, there must be a blow and go program or some other option. As a last resort, demand that your attorney explore a "creative" sentence with the prosecutor. Judges have the power to impose unusual sentences as long as the letter of the law is followed. It will be necessary to have the prosecutor on board with the proposal, but it CAN be done.

Ileana

If they don't have a BAC how can they charge you with a DUI? Isn't the charge instead refusal to submit to a BAC?