soberaccountant

I thought things were going so well , and that life was going to get better for me sooner rather than later. I guess i'll have to keep waiting for that if I can survive this. Maybe I am being dramatic or a coward, but this wasn't supposed to be my life.

Yesterday I talked with my public defender and found out that I could be losing my license for a year rather than a month as previous expectations were set. It sounds like I may have to do a couple of more days in jail or work release as well since I have a refusal to take a chemical test on my DUI. I wish I would've never done that, or put myself in the circumstance in the first place. I was never one to drink and drive, and why I did that night still bothers me to this day. I still dont remember anything about that night and dont know why I acted the way I did--but stupid is as stupid does I guess.

Come May 13th I will be 90 days sober. It is something I want to celebrate but I dont feel it in me to do so when the rest of my life is in shambles. I know some of you will probably say at least I have my sobriety, but I will ask at what cost?

I am willing to admit now that I am an alcoholic and that I cannot go back to drinking if I dont want to end up in this situation again. I was never a binge drinker or any of the like, I had a couple every now and then with friends and would be fine with it. I got depressed one day when I found out I was losing my job and went off the deep end. I didn't need another lay off, I didn't want to go through that again. All I did was make my circumstances worse.

Now I face the prospects of not being able to drive for a year, I guess I just have to accept that if it does end up going that way. I was so hopeful when the PD said she could get the refusal stricken, now that doesn't seem to be the case. I am upset at this because it severely limits the area I can look for work. Much of the work I have been able to find is 25-50 miles away from me, an impossible commute without a car in Southern California, and there is no public transportation that is reliable to get me to work and get me back to town on time so I can attend whatever alcohol schooling I will be required to attend here.

So now I have to look for anything that I can possibly find in my tri-city area which really isn't much. I'll fall further behind my peers and my chances of ever getting into a solid career seems to be slipping further and further away. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to wake up anymore. I wouldn't do anything to myself because that would hurt my family and friends more than me.

I just hope some how some way I can get through all of this, and that somehow I can find a job in my field and not make my degree and all my hard work worthless.

I have court again come May 19th, and will be meeting with mental health beforehand to get help with this immense level of depression and anxiety that I have been feeling.

I am sorry to deliver such bad news. I hope your lives are going better than mine.