Jimmy9212

It's a great rock song. Whitesnake. 1982..just a little before my time but was still popular in my youth.

So. After my brief relapse.. I'm here again. Tomorrow is day one..again..but so different. I'm so mad at myself. Why would I jeopardize my recovery? I was on day eight..finally past withdrawals and feeling like crap..it was the emotional struggles in life that got to me. I won't get into them because we all have them..but I gave in. The pain never really went away..I just felt guilt.

Now I want to have clean. Finally. I've wanted the idea..not the actual embodiment and personification of the idea..now I want it. I want to be. Too Zen?

I'm just so sick and tired of building a day, structuring the hours, all around a handful of pills..just so tired of it..I've seen so many people happy and sober and I finally want that too. Finally. I know this coming week is going to be tough but I finally am tired of going through the detox and withdrawals..I'm just so d@#$ tired of the process.. Countdown until I finally get a refill..how fast can I go through them? Then detox..be unproductive until I get a refill..just I'm done. I can't do this process anymore..I cannot be a slave to this cyclical endless process that yeilds absolutely nothing.

OK..rant over.. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for listening..err..reading. I'll take any words of encouragement as I know this is a new lifestyle change..I plan on exercising a lot.

Words cannot describe how mad I am with myself. Why would I do this yet AGAIN..and be here in this place yet AGAIN..?!

I'm so mad at myself..nearly hating myself for once again doing this to myself..again.

-Jimmy

SolidKarma

Good to meet you Jimmy, and thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to the guilt and shame that you're experiencing, but please be easy on yourself. You cannot change the past, or the choices you've already made. You have to accept you relapsed, and be compassionate with yourself. You do have the ability to change the way you act, starting now. Good luck with these initial stages of recovery.

Hevyn

Jimmy - I don't know 'why' - but I did the same thing many times. I finally understood the only way to get free was to stop all together. There was never going to be any way to control it. Trying to use willpower to just have a few was impossible.

Remorse, hating yourself, guilt - they're understandable emotions, but they just make thing worse. You can rise up out of this again - this time for good.
(Even if it is the only road you've ever known. )

IvanMike

If I was in your shoes I would say that I used because I was willing to go to any length to escape my feelings, even if it meant that I risked death in order to escape from real life.

Recovery isn't abstinence. To be sure, recovery is impossible without abstinence, so we stay clean one day at a time.

Then we are faced with the dilemma that we have no idea how to live or deal with our feelings. Learning how to do that with help is recovery.

finaltime

Jimmy, If I was in your shoes I would stop trying to do it by yourself. We have all the right plans and want it so bad, but with me I wasn't strong enough to do it alone. I was so deep in my addiction that I had to ask for help from an outside source. with me NA is free, so I went. Best thing I ever have done the numerous times I have went. When I go, get involved, do what they say BAM life is amazing. when I don't, life is CRAP. Literally dark, deep holes.

Get help. Stop the merry go around. You don't have to live like this anymore. You really don't.

keep checking in.

teatreeoil007

You've come back to a good place to get some help and/or at least be able to reach out to others who understand. And even though we each have our personal struggles and triggers and danger zones we do 'get it'. Why have any of us ever felt the need to 'escape'? Icky feelings? Overwhelming icky feelings? Wounds that seem to never heal? Childhood trauma that you do or do not remember? Unhappiness with yourself? Self loathing? Stress? , etc... All of the above?

But, we got to a point in which we were sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And were willing to do whatever it took to stop feeling that way. Drugs are so deceitful, really. They offer a temporary escape and relief, but like you've expressed - are just part of a vicious cycle...that takes more and more out of you and gives you more grief in return. I guess no different than being stuck in a bad relationship which may have started out fine and felt good and then as time went on>>didn't (feel good). Yet, you felt trapped in said relationship and didn't know how to get out; every time you tried, something sucked you back in. Then, behold, one day....you realized, "I have to let go." And you did. And you were in awe and wonder at how much lighter you felt; how uplifted. And then, you also wondered, "Why did I hang on so long?" But, then, what good did it do to beat myself up?From that day forward we were free and it didn't mean that life was easy, but we were certainly no longer burdened by something that was just weighing us down.

Jimmy9212

So far..so good..just going thru the apathetic and not caring phase where I struggle to care about anyone, anything, or even myself.

Jimmy9212

Seeing people sober and happy gives me hope.. How did I ever get to this point where I had to take a handful of pills to feel anything other than dopesick? I need to be sober because using isn't legal, nor is it conducive to a legal lifestyle. Somehow I need to trust in sobriety and myself to get back to the clean time I once had so I can start to move on from there. But I am having trouble trusting in sobriety..and being patient..I'm the most impatient person.

rahrah

I put that song on my playlist on my last day one!!! I listened to it a few times till I could no longer stomach images of myself in the 80's!!! lol (crimped hair and all!)

Jimmy9212

I have no patience.. I just want to be better..

Cista

Hi Jimmy9212 I am on Day 8 and can empathise with your struggles. But after many yrs of popping pills, CT and relapse. This time is different. I knew I had to accept I am an addict and abstinence is my only hope. I have started NA and determined to fight for my life. I hope you find peace and strength to stay strong and get the help you need.

IvanMike

For a long time I wanted to know how I could get "instant recovery". Surely there was a pill I could take? I had no patience. I was used to instant gratification.

I went to NA every day. Every day I didn't use. I told myself "just for today I won't use no matter what happens". Then I began to tell myself "just for today I won't use no matter how I feel". I got a sponsor who had been around a long time. I talked with other NA members who had stayed clean for a good while and who seemed like they had this elusive "recovery". They were ok with themselves and with life. I began to work the steps with the guidance of my sponsor.

I kept showing up every day. I stayed clean one day at a time. I felt terrible and like I was going through the motions. Sometimes I felt kind of ok. My emotions were all over the place. Life continued to go on, not all of it nice. I made mistakes but stayed clean and told my sponsor what I was up to. I took guidance and direction.

Over time I realized that something was happening. I looked back and realized that I didn't feel like I did when I came in. I didn't want to kill myself any more. There were days when I didn't think about drugs at all. I had started to develop a nascent trust that I would be ok no matter what happened and that I could get better.

When I first started going to NA I leaned upon the evidence manifest in the lives of other people. Something had worked for them. Over time i began to realize that the process of recovery was producing evidence in my own life. "We do recover" became more than a slogan.

This
I
Must
Earn

Hang in there.

D122y

My pull toward relapse seems to start w thinking about the past.

Maybe you too?

The past is gone....we can't change it. I try to let it go. Forgive and forget. But now weary.

Been trying to use my sober energy to focus on the present...e.g. keep my life in order, eating well, getting my rest w naps as required, loving my family...etc.

I also plan for the future and dream about successful circumstances.

All these things keep me clean...11 months today.

Thanks for the post.

greenteababe

it's good you're not in denial and admitting it, try to be posi,
see ya

Jimmy9212

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words.

Thinking of the past is definitely a massive trigger.

Jimmy9212

Still detoxing.. Emotions are all over the place.. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room as myself.. Lol I annoy myself. I'm finding myself going minute by minute reminding myself why I'm doing this. I have never had this much of a mental fight before.

Jimmy9212

I think part of being an addict is the "here and now" attitude. I am trying so hard to get past that..like weight, it wasn't put on over night. Moving through addiction isn't something that is going to relieve itself. I need to actively work at it and know it's not going to happen overnight.. But the addict inside has zero patience. I hate that about myself..and of course I want to change it..immediately. Even though I'm trying to stop one addiction, it's like others are in place resulting in a whole new mindset that is so foreign to me..

Does anyone have any words about changing the mindset and developing patience..? I was told awhile back by a family member that's known me my whole life that I've NEVER been patient.. So I've got that working against me too..ha..developing patience is probably going to be key to my recovery if I can make it through this detox.

Cheers.

Jimmy9212

I'm really struggling.. Emotions are getting the best of me.

IvanMike

Changing your mindset and developing patience is something you learn over time (really). Are you going to NA meetings? In my experience it's crucial to develop face to face relationships with others in recovery who have been there a while and have experience rather than theory.

Jimmy9212

Yes. Meetings are slow going.