Originally Posted by Jimmy9212

It's a great rock song. Whitesnake. 1982..just a little before my time but was still popular in my youth.

So. After my brief relapse.. I'm here again. Tomorrow is day one..again..but so different. I'm so mad at myself. Why would I jeopardize my recovery? I was on day eight..finally past withdrawals and feeling like crap..it was the emotional struggles in life that got to me. I won't get into them because we all have them..but I gave in. The pain never really went away..I just felt guilt.

Now I want to have clean. Finally. I've wanted the idea..not the actual embodiment and personification of the idea..now I want it. I want to be. Too Zen?

I'm just so sick and tired of building a day, structuring the hours, all around a handful of pills..just so tired of it..I've seen so many people happy and sober and I finally want that too. Finally. I know this coming week is going to be tough but I finally am tired of going through the detox and withdrawals..I'm just so d@#$ tired of the process.. Countdown until I finally get a refill..how fast can I go through them? Then detox..be unproductive until I get a refill..just I'm done. I can't do this process anymore..I cannot be a slave to this cyclical endless process that yeilds absolutely nothing.

OK..rant over.. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for listening..err..reading. I'll take any words of encouragement as I know this is a new lifestyle change..I plan on exercising a lot.

Words cannot describe how mad I am with myself. Why would I do this yet AGAIN..and be here in this place yet AGAIN..?!

I'm so mad at myself..nearly hating myself for once again doing this to myself..again.

-Jimmy