I relapsed and I think I'm in denial
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I relapsed and I think I'm in denial
So after trying hard to stay sober, I have found that I am now binge drinking once every couple of weeks. I told myself it doesn't really matter because everyone's entitled to a few drinks now and then. But I want to try to get honest here because the denial is a big problem now.
Basically, I'm neglecting my family and work responsibilities because of this alcohol problem. No, it's not as bad as it was but it's a lot lot wore than when I was abstinent. I am hurting my poor wife who I love very much and it's making me feel really lonely.
You know what's mad? Part of me says go down the pub, make some friends, get over the loneliness that way. But I know that is a delusion.
Honestly, at the moment, I feel trapped in a cycle of binging, remorse, feeling I've "solved the problem" binging again and on and on it goes.
I need to break the cycle. One thing I realise is that I haven't posted here for ages so this is part of the plan to deal with the problem.
Basically, I'm neglecting my family and work responsibilities because of this alcohol problem. No, it's not as bad as it was but it's a lot lot wore than when I was abstinent. I am hurting my poor wife who I love very much and it's making me feel really lonely.
You know what's mad? Part of me says go down the pub, make some friends, get over the loneliness that way. But I know that is a delusion.
Honestly, at the moment, I feel trapped in a cycle of binging, remorse, feeling I've "solved the problem" binging again and on and on it goes.
I need to break the cycle. One thing I realise is that I haven't posted here for ages so this is part of the plan to deal with the problem.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
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Breaking the cycle is tough but we can all do it if we decide to, I posted in another thread I carry a list of why I enjoy being sober (thankful list) and why I can not drink again list, it helps when needed.
I use the site below foe inspiration, education and a resource as I find most of the articles I have read are written by experts in the field, perhaps this will help you
Dealing with Denial in Alcoholism | Psych Central
Andrew
I use the site below foe inspiration, education and a resource as I find most of the articles I have read are written by experts in the field, perhaps this will help you
Dealing with Denial in Alcoholism | Psych Central
Andrew
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Originally Posted by endlesspatience 
...I am now binge drinking once every couple of weeks. I told myself it doesn't really matter because everyone's entitled to a few drinks now and then.
Maybe denial is a problem. So is acceptance. Acceptance that you can't drink. Ever. And that that isn't a punishment.
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Hi EP
Carl kinda said what I was going to but better.
I don't think the problem is denial so much as a lack of acceptance, or an unwillingness to accept.
You've been here a few years so I feel pretty confident in saying that something is stopping you from making a complete, permanent commitment.
If you can put a name to that reluctance, or fear, I think that might just be the next step forward?
D
Carl kinda said what I was going to but better.
I don't think the problem is denial so much as a lack of acceptance, or an unwillingness to accept.
You've been here a few years so I feel pretty confident in saying that something is stopping you from making a complete, permanent commitment.
If you can put a name to that reluctance, or fear, I think that might just be the next step forward?
D
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Thank you Dee and Carl. I think you are both right - I've been coming here for years and recently I've been taking less care of my sobriety than I used to. Hence the big problem I am in now. I feel a lot of remorse and shame and typically I've used alcohol or drugs or porn to try to block it all out.
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When you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober. I hope you reach that point soon. Living sober really rocks and waking up feeling good never gets old. 
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I am thinking that I walked past a pub full of drunk people on Saturday morning and I thought it looked like really stupid to have gone there and got drunk. Then by about 8pm I was drinking in another place and I carried on until about 2am. What totally stupid behaviour.
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I found this added to another post. It describes my situation well.
Are you on the relapse ladder
Relapse is at the top of a nine step ladder of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The lowest rung is called happy memories . "Happy memories" means that you are thinking about the good times you had while you were using. The next rung up is called "I wasn't that bad ." This occurs when you tell yourself you weren't really that bad, that your addiction was someone else's fault, that your problem was caused by anything except your disease. The next rung higher is stopping treatment. This means that you cease going to meetings, you stop practicing the steps, you don't have time to see your therapist, you stop talking to your sponsor, you don't do your daily meditation. When you stop treatment, you pretend that you can stay sober by doing nothing. The fourth rung is called high risk situations . Examples are you return to the bar that you used to frequent, you begin hanging out with your old using friends, you spend long periods of time isolating in the basement where you used to drink vodka. You put yourself in these situations not thinking that you will use there, but just to experience the feeling of being there again. The fifth rung is called, emotional imbalance . During emotional imbalance, something causes you to get really angry, irritated or otherwise emotional and you remember how your drug, drink or behavior took away the pain of the emotion. You may even get really happy and you remember how you always drank to celebrate. Now you are really getting higher on the ladder, and like any ladder, the higher you go, the more dangerous the climb. Also, the higher you go, the more committed you are to reaching the top. The sixth rung is fantasizing. Now, you are spending increasing periods of your day thinking about using for no apparent reason. Fantasizing leads to the seventh rung, getting ready to use . This means you intend to use and you plan how you are going to relapse. You tell yourself that tonight when my husband is asleep, I am going to sneak out to the Bar. You make arrangements to buy drugs. You return to the internet porn site. You get dressed to go to the casino. You think through the exact steps of where you are going to go to get your drugs, drink, or act out. On the next rung, you actually get the drugs or order the drink. You acquire the tools of relapse. On this rung, you may feel a terrible panic, and unless you reach out to someone (which is now incredibly difficult to do because you are so committed to reaching the top), you step up to the final and ninth rung which is Relapse . As you know, the Relapse rung has a crack in it and cannot bear your weight. So you come crashing down. Sometimes the crash happens immediately. Sometimes, the crack worsens over time. But since there is a crack, you will fall. If you survive the fall, you will feel guilt at having relapsed. You will resolve to stop using. And unless you get treatment, you will start the terrible climb back up the relapse ladder beginning with the first rung which is...
If you are on the Relapse Ladder, you need to get off on the lowest rung possible BY TELLING ON YOUR DISEASE! Remember there are two parties involved in a relapse. There is you and there is your disease. If you tell someone that you may be on the Relapse Ladder, you are telling on your disease, not you. So, ask yourself if you are on any of the nine rungs. If so, say to yourself, "I must get off the ladder now" five times to yourself with increasing emphasis. Then pick up the phone and tell your trusted friend, confidant, therapist, or mentor which rung of the ladder you are on and that you want to get off. (Leaving a voicemail message also works). If you can’t connect with someone, read your recovery literature, pray to your Higher Power, write down which rung you are on and list the consequences which made you want to get sober in the first place. Do something recovery oriented and don't substitute your drug of choice with another drug or bad behavior lest you start a new addiction. Then try to connect with a supportive person as soon as possible. This process works regardless of your philosophical or religious beliefs. Remember, sharing with another doesn’t mean that you only reach out when you have a recognizable craving or urge to use. Sharing means that you reach out and discuss where you may be on the Relapse Ladder.
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Are you on the relapse ladder
Relapse is at the top of a nine step ladder of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The lowest rung is called happy memories . "Happy memories" means that you are thinking about the good times you had while you were using. The next rung up is called "I wasn't that bad ." This occurs when you tell yourself you weren't really that bad, that your addiction was someone else's fault, that your problem was caused by anything except your disease. The next rung higher is stopping treatment. This means that you cease going to meetings, you stop practicing the steps, you don't have time to see your therapist, you stop talking to your sponsor, you don't do your daily meditation. When you stop treatment, you pretend that you can stay sober by doing nothing. The fourth rung is called high risk situations . Examples are you return to the bar that you used to frequent, you begin hanging out with your old using friends, you spend long periods of time isolating in the basement where you used to drink vodka. You put yourself in these situations not thinking that you will use there, but just to experience the feeling of being there again. The fifth rung is called, emotional imbalance . During emotional imbalance, something causes you to get really angry, irritated or otherwise emotional and you remember how your drug, drink or behavior took away the pain of the emotion. You may even get really happy and you remember how you always drank to celebrate. Now you are really getting higher on the ladder, and like any ladder, the higher you go, the more dangerous the climb. Also, the higher you go, the more committed you are to reaching the top. The sixth rung is fantasizing. Now, you are spending increasing periods of your day thinking about using for no apparent reason. Fantasizing leads to the seventh rung, getting ready to use . This means you intend to use and you plan how you are going to relapse. You tell yourself that tonight when my husband is asleep, I am going to sneak out to the Bar. You make arrangements to buy drugs. You return to the internet porn site. You get dressed to go to the casino. You think through the exact steps of where you are going to go to get your drugs, drink, or act out. On the next rung, you actually get the drugs or order the drink. You acquire the tools of relapse. On this rung, you may feel a terrible panic, and unless you reach out to someone (which is now incredibly difficult to do because you are so committed to reaching the top), you step up to the final and ninth rung which is Relapse . As you know, the Relapse rung has a crack in it and cannot bear your weight. So you come crashing down. Sometimes the crash happens immediately. Sometimes, the crack worsens over time. But since there is a crack, you will fall. If you survive the fall, you will feel guilt at having relapsed. You will resolve to stop using. And unless you get treatment, you will start the terrible climb back up the relapse ladder beginning with the first rung which is...
If you are on the Relapse Ladder, you need to get off on the lowest rung possible BY TELLING ON YOUR DISEASE! Remember there are two parties involved in a relapse. There is you and there is your disease. If you tell someone that you may be on the Relapse Ladder, you are telling on your disease, not you. So, ask yourself if you are on any of the nine rungs. If so, say to yourself, "I must get off the ladder now" five times to yourself with increasing emphasis. Then pick up the phone and tell your trusted friend, confidant, therapist, or mentor which rung of the ladder you are on and that you want to get off. (Leaving a voicemail message also works). If you can’t connect with someone, read your recovery literature, pray to your Higher Power, write down which rung you are on and list the consequences which made you want to get sober in the first place. Do something recovery oriented and don't substitute your drug of choice with another drug or bad behavior lest you start a new addiction. Then try to connect with a supportive person as soon as possible. This process works regardless of your philosophical or religious beliefs. Remember, sharing with another doesn’t mean that you only reach out when you have a recognizable craving or urge to use. Sharing means that you reach out and discuss where you may be on the Relapse Ladder.
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I have texted two friends from AA. One called me back immediately and has agreed to go with me for coffee tonight and a step meeting. I'm going to meet the other one tomorrow and go to another meeting.
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Originally Posted by endlesspatience
So after trying hard to stay sober, I have found that I am now binge drinking once every couple of weeks. I told myself it doesn't really matter because everyone's entitled to a few drinks now and then. But I want to try to get honest here because the denial is a big problem now.
Basically, I'm neglecting my family and work responsibilities because of this alcohol problem. No, it's not as bad as it was but it's a lot lot wore than when I was abstinent. I am hurting my poor wife who I love very much and it's making me feel really lonely.
You know what's mad? Part of me says go down the pub, make some friends, get over the loneliness that way. But I know that is a delusion.
Honestly, at the moment, I feel trapped in a cycle of binging, remorse, feeling I've "solved the problem" binging again and on and on it goes.
I need to break the cycle. One thing I realise is that I haven't posted here for ages so this is part of the plan to deal with the problem.
Basically, I'm neglecting my family and work responsibilities because of this alcohol problem. No, it's not as bad as it was but it's a lot lot wore than when I was abstinent. I am hurting my poor wife who I love very much and it's making me feel really lonely.
You know what's mad? Part of me says go down the pub, make some friends, get over the loneliness that way. But I know that is a delusion.
Honestly, at the moment, I feel trapped in a cycle of binging, remorse, feeling I've "solved the problem" binging again and on and on it goes.
I need to break the cycle. One thing I realise is that I haven't posted here for ages so this is part of the plan to deal with the problem.
Hi Endlesspatience, I know exactly of the cycle you speak of. Mine was a weekend cycle, but a cycle nonetheless. If you are a person of habit, by breaking the cycle, a new habit forms (sobriety). It is what helped me. Ultimately, I agree with you 100%, you have to break the cycle first, then the other things will follow. The sooner you can get off the merry go round, the sooner things start to heal.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Thanks for the relapse ladder post Patience. That is a great article to read and re-read for all of us.
I agree with Carl and Dee along with most of the others on this thread. You've just got to reach the point where you no say no, unequivocally. To the possibility of drinking.
Best!
Jonathan
I agree with Carl and Dee along with most of the others on this thread. You've just got to reach the point where you no say no, unequivocally. To the possibility of drinking.
Best!
Jonathan
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Thanks Thomas. I think coming back here and acknowledging it this morning was important. Then as I explained, I texted my AA friends and one will meet me today and the other will meet me tomorrow evening. I can probably go to a meeting on Wednesday lunchtime too.
There was a time when I was new to recovery when I did a meeting every day but I've let that slip so I think the new habit you talk about here is important.
There was a time when I was new to recovery when I did a meeting every day but I've let that slip so I think the new habit you talk about here is important.
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I agree with what folks are saying as far as acceptance that alcohol doesn't work................I'm big about the acceptance piece.
The piece I picked up on when initially reading your post was "everyone is entitled to a few drinks now and then". What I see feel this is, is you really saying that everyone deserves to relax....to unwind.....to let go. For many people alcohol is what they turn to to achieve this.
I had to learn how to achieve relaxation without alcohol. And I had to accept that this was my new norm and that was ok
The piece I picked up on when initially reading your post was "everyone is entitled to a few drinks now and then". What I see feel this is, is you really saying that everyone deserves to relax....to unwind.....to let go. For many people alcohol is what they turn to to achieve this.
I had to learn how to achieve relaxation without alcohol. And I had to accept that this was my new norm and that was ok
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Until I found a way to desire sobriety more than the pub I wouldn't ask for help. I couldn't quit something I really didn't want to quit!
I had to accept the problem and the solution. Until I did that - which took a way too long, there was no vision or path to sobriety.
I had to accept the problem and the solution. Until I did that - which took a way too long, there was no vision or path to sobriety.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
For me it is not about, "I won't drink." It is about, "I can't drink."
I can't drink because every time I do I go right back to were I was. I don't care how I slice or dice it I have never figured out how to be a successful drinker and 100% of my experience shows me I never will.
I can't drink because every time I do I go right back to were I was. I don't care how I slice or dice it I have never figured out how to be a successful drinker and 100% of my experience shows me I never will.
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EP, I'm glad that you came here and posted and that you have called people and are taking action.
I agree that the cycle is hard to step out of because it's like taking a leap of faith, but you know that alcoholism worsens over time so stopping is the thing to do.
I agree that the cycle is hard to step out of because it's like taking a leap of faith, but you know that alcoholism worsens over time so stopping is the thing to do.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Originally Posted by Fly N Buy
Until I found a way to desire sobriety more than the pub I wouldn't ask for help. I couldn't quit something I really didn't want to quit!
I had to accept the problem and the solution. Until I did that - which took a way too long, there was no vision or path to sobriety.
I had to accept the problem and the solution. Until I did that - which took a way too long, there was no vision or path to sobriety.
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