He'll be married soon...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
He'll be married soon...
It's been a while since I've posted, but some things have been on my mind lately that I need to get out. My ex, who went to rehab and almost immediately after, met a girl on tinder and moved to Florida with her a few months later, will be getting married next month. It still kills me inside to think of him marrying someone else after all that we had together. He so easily gave up on me when I never gave up on him. He promised he was going to make things right with me. Then without any explanation, he met someone else and stopped all communication with me almost overnight.
I'm doing everything I can to heal. I'm seeing a counselor, reading self-help books, getting involved in new activities, and staying busy. It's been almost a year since this all happened and I still feel so broken inside. I still miss him. I still think of him everyday and shed a lot of tears over it. Just the other day, I heard a song on the radio that he used to sing when we'd go to karaoke. Instead of changing the channel right away like I would normally do, I listened to the whole song. It made me cry, but at the same time, it made me smile thinking of those times together. I changed the station when the song was over and sure enough, it was another one of his karaoke songs. I listened to that one, too, and both smiled and cried.
It's been a year and I feel like part of me will miss him forever, no matter what happens in my life. I have no idea what the future holds. I don't know if I'll ever love again.* I can only hope that I will meet someone who will make me feel the way I felt with him. He was my best friend and to this day, I still feel an empty space in my heart. I still love him, even after all the hurt he's caused.
I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without seeing him again. And I can't bear the thought of him marrying someone else - especially her! I have a lot of anger built up toward this girl I don't even know. She must have a lot of control over him to get him to move so far away from his family and support system.
I can't help but feel like this girl is living the life I was supposed to be in with him. At the same time, I believe that everything happens for a reason, even the most painful things. I have to keep reminding myself that this girl didn't win. If anything, I had my ex when he was the best and we were so happy together. I pray that one day I can see our relationship as a gift, look back on all our special memories with happiness, and not feel this overwhelming hurt.
I'm doing everything I can to heal. I'm seeing a counselor, reading self-help books, getting involved in new activities, and staying busy. It's been almost a year since this all happened and I still feel so broken inside. I still miss him. I still think of him everyday and shed a lot of tears over it. Just the other day, I heard a song on the radio that he used to sing when we'd go to karaoke. Instead of changing the channel right away like I would normally do, I listened to the whole song. It made me cry, but at the same time, it made me smile thinking of those times together. I changed the station when the song was over and sure enough, it was another one of his karaoke songs. I listened to that one, too, and both smiled and cried.
It's been a year and I feel like part of me will miss him forever, no matter what happens in my life. I have no idea what the future holds. I don't know if I'll ever love again.* I can only hope that I will meet someone who will make me feel the way I felt with him. He was my best friend and to this day, I still feel an empty space in my heart. I still love him, even after all the hurt he's caused.
I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without seeing him again. And I can't bear the thought of him marrying someone else - especially her! I have a lot of anger built up toward this girl I don't even know. She must have a lot of control over him to get him to move so far away from his family and support system.
I can't help but feel like this girl is living the life I was supposed to be in with him. At the same time, I believe that everything happens for a reason, even the most painful things. I have to keep reminding myself that this girl didn't win. If anything, I had my ex when he was the best and we were so happy together. I pray that one day I can see our relationship as a gift, look back on all our special memories with happiness, and not feel this overwhelming hurt.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hey there ad,
I used to think my ex was in love with me. After all, he told me that all the time. Yada, yada, yada. I think what he was actually seeing was a replacement for something that was missing in his life. Once I started to actually state my opinions and views, he no longer felt I was the best, he needed to go to find someone else who would I guess "idolize" him?
You did get the better end of the deal. You have your life and you can live it now how you want to, and you can find someone who will love you for you.
I remember my ex saying to me, " so you would use that black eye that I gave you to make me stay with you"? Change those words to fit your situation.
((((((((((((((((many hugs))))))))))))))))))))
amy
I used to think my ex was in love with me. After all, he told me that all the time. Yada, yada, yada. I think what he was actually seeing was a replacement for something that was missing in his life. Once I started to actually state my opinions and views, he no longer felt I was the best, he needed to go to find someone else who would I guess "idolize" him?
You did get the better end of the deal. You have your life and you can live it now how you want to, and you can find someone who will love you for you.
I remember my ex saying to me, " so you would use that black eye that I gave you to make me stay with you"? Change those words to fit your situation.
((((((((((((((((many hugs))))))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Hugs to you as well. I second Amy's words. Peace to you tonight....sounds like his promises to make things right were just full of hot air. I have been on the receiving end of those and it can be heartbreaking. Peace to you tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
This girl you are angry with? She has no idea what she is getting herself into. They are moving way too fast. They clicked because she is a perfect codependent candidate. A match made in heaven . . . not.
Stay strong. You deserve better.
Stay strong. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, ad--welcome back. Do you believe that he has truly reformed and become a whole new person since you split up? Does that really seem likely? Does it maybe seem more likely that he's found a new person to fool, someone who's perhaps desperate, perhaps ignorant, perhaps so full of hope and looking thru rose-colored glasses and who doesn't see the truth?
I'd like to direct you to this thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ut-dating.html
as well as this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5885243
Truth, my friend, absolute truth.
I'd like to direct you to this thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ut-dating.html
as well as this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5885243
I have to keep reminding myself that this girl didn't win.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
As far as the other woman goes, my ex has a gf. We can attend things together, and we actually get along and hug each other hello and goodbye. I can talk to her. I can't talk to my ex. I wanted her to feel comfortable in family situations. I do pity her and have empathy for her. See, she lost, she got him.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Ad, I am so sorry for the pain you are in and even if you can digest everything that everyone is saying (and they are right!), it still hurts like all holy hell.
Congrats on every thing you have done to take care of yourself and heal from this toxic event in your life.
Sadly this other woman has not won the prize and will eventually figure this out. When she leaves him, he may very well come back to you; it's a good idea to have a plan for this possibility.
Keep posting. Most of us have been in some similar situation.
Congrats on every thing you have done to take care of yourself and heal from this toxic event in your life.
Sadly this other woman has not won the prize and will eventually figure this out. When she leaves him, he may very well come back to you; it's a good idea to have a plan for this possibility.
Keep posting. Most of us have been in some similar situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Oh ad, I was just thinking about you today, and I was wondering if you were OK. I'm so glad you posted.
In regards to what I'll say right now, please take what's useful and chuck the rest.
If your daughter met a man fresh out of rehab and accepted his marriage proposal, would you be happy for her?
OR he wants to be with somebody who accepts him without a question mark because she doesn't know any better.
I hope that you find something better than what you had before. Sometimes you don't know what's right until you actually have it. Lord knows I didn't until I finally met my husband.
In an odd way, your ex given you a gift. It sure doesn't feel that way but it is a gift of freedom. You don't have to worry anymore if he's going to relapse. You don't have to deal with the ups and downs of his BPD. You don't have to worry how your children will deal with his BPD and his alcohol abuse.
Final thought: you're dealing with the loss of your father after a long illness and you're mourning the life that you thought you would have with this man. You should just chuck the idea of putting your grief on any timeline and cut yourself some slack.
In regards to what I'll say right now, please take what's useful and chuck the rest.
If your daughter met a man fresh out of rehab and accepted his marriage proposal, would you be happy for her?
She must have a lot of control over him to get him to move so far away from his family and support system.
I can only hope that I will meet someone who will make me feel the way I felt with him.
In an odd way, your ex given you a gift. It sure doesn't feel that way but it is a gift of freedom. You don't have to worry anymore if he's going to relapse. You don't have to deal with the ups and downs of his BPD. You don't have to worry how your children will deal with his BPD and his alcohol abuse.
Final thought: you're dealing with the loss of your father after a long illness and you're mourning the life that you thought you would have with this man. You should just chuck the idea of putting your grief on any timeline and cut yourself some slack.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Ad, I still miss my ex. My heart hurts when I think of him with his new woman, even though I've also moved on to a new man in my life. I think this is normal after any long term relationship comes to an end. Curiosity and hurt are normal reactions.
What I do when things start to creep in and bother me, is remind myself about the things that were NOT good. Time has a way of dulling the edges ( THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!) but it can also be a bit delusional, where in we we remember the good times as so much better then they were and the bad times as "not so bad"...
Alcoholics are sick people.. people that enable alcoholics are sick people, I know this because I was very much the latter. Even when I thought I wasn't enabling because I refused to buy booze for him. ..We codies know it runs much deeper than that.
Your ex's new woman, my ex's new woman...they may be in the honeymoon stage for now, but soon they will be dealing with all the same crazy making crap we were... and we WONT be... so please don't make yourself crazy thinking you shoulda, coulda, woulda been in her shoes... be glad you are not.
Love, hugs and strength coming your way
What I do when things start to creep in and bother me, is remind myself about the things that were NOT good. Time has a way of dulling the edges ( THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!) but it can also be a bit delusional, where in we we remember the good times as so much better then they were and the bad times as "not so bad"...
Alcoholics are sick people.. people that enable alcoholics are sick people, I know this because I was very much the latter. Even when I thought I wasn't enabling because I refused to buy booze for him. ..We codies know it runs much deeper than that.
Your ex's new woman, my ex's new woman...they may be in the honeymoon stage for now, but soon they will be dealing with all the same crazy making crap we were... and we WONT be... so please don't make yourself crazy thinking you shoulda, coulda, woulda been in her shoes... be glad you are not.
Love, hugs and strength coming your way
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
Stay strong Ad! We've all been there. I read something here on SR that helps me when I start missing my EX (I wish I could remember the thread so that I could properly credit the individual):
Codies mourn, Addicts replace.
Your ex's new relationship is "easy" for him. He gets to re-invent himself. He gets to move to a new place and be the person that he always wanted to be. He gets to leave his past behind and build a new future with this new person - the future that he's always envisioned. While all of this sounds nice and wrapped in a pretty bow, remember - recovery and addiction is NEVER this easy. Unless he's done the work, all of his demons and all of his unhealthy behavior will resurface again - it's only a matter of time. Right now, it's easy to "woo" this new girl, especially given the fact that they don't even live in the same state. Think of how easy it is to pretend to be someone you aren't over the internet/telephone. Over the phone - he's prince charming who has "made a few bad decisions in his past". In person, he's the same addict he's always been - he's just sober - for now.
Stay strong. You will get through this. And remember, she's just an easy replacement. A void filler.
Hugs to you!
Codies mourn, Addicts replace.
Your ex's new relationship is "easy" for him. He gets to re-invent himself. He gets to move to a new place and be the person that he always wanted to be. He gets to leave his past behind and build a new future with this new person - the future that he's always envisioned. While all of this sounds nice and wrapped in a pretty bow, remember - recovery and addiction is NEVER this easy. Unless he's done the work, all of his demons and all of his unhealthy behavior will resurface again - it's only a matter of time. Right now, it's easy to "woo" this new girl, especially given the fact that they don't even live in the same state. Think of how easy it is to pretend to be someone you aren't over the internet/telephone. Over the phone - he's prince charming who has "made a few bad decisions in his past". In person, he's the same addict he's always been - he's just sober - for now.
Stay strong. You will get through this. And remember, she's just an easy replacement. A void filler.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
it can take a while to get over someone, especially when you are betrayed. Betrayal IMO is the hardest of all actions to forgive and move on from.
What he did sounds like "ghosting" - just disappearing. This too is very difficult to overcome. There is no closure or explanation. Or is there? I think there is. Some people go through life dealing with their 'transgressions" by just moving on to a new life. A new person who isn't aware of what they have done. There is no need for apology, there is no need for explanation, there is no embarrassment. You got the short end of the stick but dodged a bullet. People who cut and run always cut and run when the heat is on.
You WILL get over this. There will come a time when you see things differently, how cowardly and selfish he was and is. For now yo are still reeling from his betrayal. You won't care eventually, really, one day he will be the last person on earth you care to run into.
What he did sounds like "ghosting" - just disappearing. This too is very difficult to overcome. There is no closure or explanation. Or is there? I think there is. Some people go through life dealing with their 'transgressions" by just moving on to a new life. A new person who isn't aware of what they have done. There is no need for apology, there is no need for explanation, there is no embarrassment. You got the short end of the stick but dodged a bullet. People who cut and run always cut and run when the heat is on.
You WILL get over this. There will come a time when you see things differently, how cowardly and selfish he was and is. For now yo are still reeling from his betrayal. You won't care eventually, really, one day he will be the last person on earth you care to run into.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When my ex got married I wanted to throw a party to celebrate it wasn't me. I realized I could focus on the good times or stay in the reality of what a miserable relationship it really was. I hope you can let go of the fantasy....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ad.....it takes longer than this to grieve and process the whole thing.
Grieving over lost dreams or a broken relationship takes TIME......
Mentally reviewing, crying, sadness, anger, etc. is all a normal part of the healing process......
You will heal. You will love again....
try to l ook at it this way: He is not enough for you. He can't/won't give you what you need as a lifetime partner....because he doesn't have it or is willing to give that to you.....
There are people who can and will want to give you what your want and need in your life.
You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy......He can't do it or he would have done it....
dandylion
Grieving over lost dreams or a broken relationship takes TIME......
Mentally reviewing, crying, sadness, anger, etc. is all a normal part of the healing process......
You will heal. You will love again....
try to l ook at it this way: He is not enough for you. He can't/won't give you what you need as a lifetime partner....because he doesn't have it or is willing to give that to you.....
There are people who can and will want to give you what your want and need in your life.
You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy......He can't do it or he would have done it....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Hi, ad--welcome back. Do you believe that he has truly reformed and become a whole new person since you split up? Does that really seem likely? Does it maybe seem more likely that he's found a new person to fool, someone who's perhaps desperate, perhaps ignorant, perhaps so full of hope and looking thru rose-colored glasses and who doesn't see the truth?
I'd like to direct you to this thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ut-dating.html
as well as this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5885243
Truth, my friend, absolute truth.
I'd like to direct you to this thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ut-dating.html
as well as this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5885243
Truth, my friend, absolute truth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Curlyq268
Stay strong Ad! We've all been there. I read something here on SR that helps me when I start missing my EX (I wish I could remember the thread so that I could properly credit the individual):
Codies mourn, Addicts replace.
Your ex's new relationship is "easy" for him. He gets to re-invent himself. He gets to move to a new place and be the person that he always wanted to be. He gets to leave his past behind and build a new future with this new person - the future that he's always envisioned. While all of this sounds nice and wrapped in a pretty bow, remember - recovery and addiction is NEVER this easy. Unless he's done the work, all of his demons and all of his unhealthy behavior will resurface again - it's only a matter of time. Right now, it's easy to "woo" this new girl, especially given the fact that they don't even live in the same state. Think of how easy it is to pretend to be someone you aren't over the internet/telephone. Over the phone - he's prince charming who has "made a few bad decisions in his past". In person, he's the same addict he's always been - he's just sober - for now.
Stay strong. You will get through this. And remember, she's just an easy replacement. A void filler.
Hugs to you!
Codies mourn, Addicts replace.
Your ex's new relationship is "easy" for him. He gets to re-invent himself. He gets to move to a new place and be the person that he always wanted to be. He gets to leave his past behind and build a new future with this new person - the future that he's always envisioned. While all of this sounds nice and wrapped in a pretty bow, remember - recovery and addiction is NEVER this easy. Unless he's done the work, all of his demons and all of his unhealthy behavior will resurface again - it's only a matter of time. Right now, it's easy to "woo" this new girl, especially given the fact that they don't even live in the same state. Think of how easy it is to pretend to be someone you aren't over the internet/telephone. Over the phone - he's prince charming who has "made a few bad decisions in his past". In person, he's the same addict he's always been - he's just sober - for now.
Stay strong. You will get through this. And remember, she's just an easy replacement. A void filler.
Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by dandylion
ad.....it takes longer than this to grieve and process the whole thing.
Grieving over lost dreams or a broken relationship takes TIME......
Mentally reviewing, crying, sadness, anger, etc. is all a normal part of the healing process......
You will heal. You will love again....
try to l ook at it this way: He is not enough for you. He can't/won't give you what you need as a lifetime partner....because he doesn't have it or is willing to give that to you.....
There are people who can and will want to give you what your want and need in your life.
You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy......He can't do it or he would have done it....
dandylion
Grieving over lost dreams or a broken relationship takes TIME......
Mentally reviewing, crying, sadness, anger, etc. is all a normal part of the healing process......
You will heal. You will love again....
try to l ook at it this way: He is not enough for you. He can't/won't give you what you need as a lifetime partner....because he doesn't have it or is willing to give that to you.....
There are people who can and will want to give you what your want and need in your life.
You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy......He can't do it or he would have done it....
dandylion
And thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. It would be easier to get past this if he had been a complete jerk when we were together, but he really wasn't. He was always kind to me, never had a harsh word to say and never physically hurt me. It wasn't until my dad passed away that he just disappeared. I think it was just too much for him to handle and he went into this deep depression, drinking more and more. I'm not making excuses for him because what he did was one of the worst things you can do to someone. I am starting to understand it more and more, though, but it still doesn't help ease the pain. Right before he went to rehab, he told his mom that he would never find anyone as good as me. I know that's true and this girl is just a replacement for what he had with me. He'll look for me everywhere he is, but he'll never find it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you'll know you've fully let go when it no longer matters if we WERE the best thing that ever happened to them........or not. when it was just two people whose paths merged for a while and then went in different directions.......when we let go of ownership over what they SHOULD have been or what we COULD have had......and just see it all as another chapter in our book.....knowing we have MANY more chapters to go!
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