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Thank you, PuzzledHeart!

Just a few thoughts...

No way!! That's what's so strange about this story. Apparently, this new girl knew all about his issues. I think it's odd that an independent 34 year old woman would invite a man she met online to live with her after only a month, especially if he was fresh out of rehab!! When I went to see my ex before they moved to Florida, he had on a wedding ring. He lied to me and told me they were already married. I knew he was lying to me and later found out I was right. I can't understand why he would hurt me like that. It seemed like it was almost on purpose and I had done nothing wrong! I've seen a few pictures online and she isn't wearing an engagement ring in any of them. I think that's weird. My theory is that she was the one who asked him to get married. She probably wanted to move back home to Florida so badly to start this fantasy life that she was desperate for any poor soul that would follow her anywhere. They both just happened to be in the right place at the right time, but for all the wrong reasons.


She may think she knows everything about him, but someday she'll realize she should have taken her time. You can't possibly get to know someone like him in just a few months. I think you need to experience the ups and downs of life with someone before you truly know who they are and how they deal with certain situations. He'll probably just run away from her, too, when things get too hard.


I wanted so badly to marry him and have a family with him, but I did often worry about his bipolar. I was worried that our children would have the same issues or that he wouldn't be able to handle all the pressures of raising kids. He talked a lot about wanting kids with me and I thought he would be a good father - when he was on his meds and taking care of himself. You're right - I should look at it as a gift of freedom, even though that's so difficult when I still miss him so much. I don't have to worry about those things anymore and for that, I should be thankful.

redatlanta

Apparently, this new girl knew all about his issues. I think it's odd that an independent 34 year old woman would invite a man she met online to live with her after only a month, especially if he was fresh out of rehab!! When I went to see my ex before they moved to Florida, he had on a wedding ring. He lied to me and told me they were already married. I knew he was lying to me and later found out I was right. I can't understand why he would hurt me like that. It seemed like it was almost on purpose and I had done nothing wrong! I've seen a few pictures online and she isn't wearing an engagement ring in any of them. I think that's weird. My theory is that she was the one who asked him to get married. She probably wanted to move back home to Florida so badly to start this fantasy life that she was desperate for any poor soul that would follow her anywhere. They both just happened to be in the right place at the right time, but for all the wrong reasons.

She screams of classic codependent enabler. That's all I can say about her given they moved into together in a month after meeting online when he was in Rehab.

Now back to the story, you don't know anything about her, or what's going on in their relationship. How it developed beyond meeting online. Who asked whom to marry, why they moved, and all of that is just you wasting time analyzing this situation based on pictures and hearsay. What you do know is what he is like. The length of their relationship is most likely parallel to how much of his crap she will put up. It may be more than you were willing to.

I strongly suggest you stop looking at things about them on social media. You are looking at photos, and its just feeding the beast. You analyze them, and come to conclusions (she isn't wearing an engagement ring I think that's weird). This kind of examination and conclusion can be very self defeating when you find out you are wrong.

My husband is also BiPolar. It is well controlled. However, it IS there. Some of the things we do to maintain it aren't conducive to children. A quiet home with little stress helps greatly in keeping things status quo. Neither of us wanted children - if I had wanted to kids I'm not sure I would have gone this route, and yes it would have concerned me about passing it on. My RAH is also medically compliant, and not all are. I'm not saying that people with BP can't be good parents, there are plenty of rotten parents who aren't BP - but as the partner to one its worthy of reflection in your situation that card has been taken off the table. Its a lot to consider.

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Thank you, redatlanta. I've been doing well with staying away from social media lately. You are right - I analyze everything I see, make assumptions, and it drives me crazy. This is something I've been working on with my counselor - cognitive behavior therapy. I've come to realize that most of my thinking is not based in fact. I'm just jumping to conclusions and I really don't know anything about their relationship. No one does, actually. Not even his parents!!

I know in time a lot of these obsessive traits will disappear and I won't constantly be thinking about him and her and what is going on with them. Right now, though, the hurt is still so fresh - almost like it just happened yesterday. I'm really trying and I know someday I will be okay again.

PuzzledHeart

ad, my sister lied to me constantly about stuff over the dumbest things. She couldn't see me and my nieces at the Memorial Day parade because she was sick, then an hour she was posting stuff on FB about the parade. She was busy texting mom so she couldn't talk to me, even though my mother didn't text.

I was so confused about it, especially because I kept on thinking, doesn't she know that she's going to get caught? But then when I got to this site, I realized that this was CLASSIC addict behavior. And I realized that when she lied to me, it was to avoid confrontation AT THAT MOMENT. She wasn't thinking about the future. She certainly wasn't thinking about how her lying was going to put my respect for her in the toilet. She was just plain scared, and lying was the quickest, if not the best, way to escape.

So when I read what you wrote, I thought, oh he's avoiding a confrontation. If he says he's married, then he's put another barrier between you and him. Not because he wants to hurt you, but he wants to run away from the responsibility of explaining himself to you.

But even if he didn't intend to hurt you (but he did because he didn't want to think about how much it hurts to be lied to, let's not forget that), do you want to be married to somebody who runs away constantly? Marriage is HARD even when both partners aren't dealing with addiction. Throw kids into the mix and it's a thousand times more difficult (and rewarding!) You do not want to be married to someone who doesn't have the courage to confront and address the issues that you'll face in life together. Because then you might as well be alone.

And I second redatlanta, block those social media feeds, for both him and her! And there's this great plugin in Chrome called Block Site that allows you to redirect web addresses (say certain FB profiles) to other sites. I happen to redirect to websites I hate, so I have a double incentive to never ever type in the web addresses in question.

redatlanta, I have a dear friend who has bipolar and who does have children. She's a great mom, but she really tore herself in knots when she was pregnant because she had to get off her meds. Because when she was off her meds it was a rough ride. Fortunately she was able to get past that.

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Yes, that makes a lot of sense. He knows how much he's hurt me and he can't face it. He just took the easy way out. He ran away from all the people who love him because it's easier for him to block it out and start over with someone new. What he may not realize yet is avoiding feelings only makes them come back stronger. I'll always care for him and I'd hate to see what happens if and when he has to face those feelings of guilt. I hope he's strong enough to handle it.

Thanks for this! He already blocked me a while ago on Facebook and the girl has made her page super private now. Looks like they both went into hiding! Haha!