partner in recovery - polling for advice
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
partner in recovery - polling for advice
My partner of nearly two decades has struggled with drinking and that struggle escalated over the past few years. A year ago he identified as an alcoholic and six months ago, he became sober. He has built a rich support network in his sobriety including AA, therapy, meditation etc. As seems typical, or usual, (based on my reading) he has hit a wall around month 4 until now and the last two months have been torture. In short, he is rejecting our home, relationship and life together whilst at the same time saying that he loves me. He chooses, with the support and encouragement of his new network including his sponsor, to physically leave. The latest stint is a few weeks departure - with a request from him of no contact from me, for "time and space".
On one hand I understand the value this can have; on the other hand I don't feel that during this absence he is doing anything constructive for his recovery or for our relationship.
Incidentally, so far, he does not find major flaws in our relationship. All the issues are, as he himself described them, about his head, his space, his choices etc. Quite aside from all the excellent advice about detachment, looking after yourself etc, I was hoping there was some experience or practical advice what to do. Thank you!
On one hand I understand the value this can have; on the other hand I don't feel that during this absence he is doing anything constructive for his recovery or for our relationship.
Incidentally, so far, he does not find major flaws in our relationship. All the issues are, as he himself described them, about his head, his space, his choices etc. Quite aside from all the excellent advice about detachment, looking after yourself etc, I was hoping there was some experience or practical advice what to do. Thank you!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
supernoodle.....while I have never been in your exact situation....I have had relationships end..... sometimes, I have done the l eaving, and sometimes, they have decided to "move on"......
I do know (have learned) that we can't control other people and how they feel....,
If he has been drinking for the twenty years....he has never known himself, completely---and, neither have you....Actually, at six months sober...I would say that he is still very new to getting to know himself....
The early recovery period can be extremely difficult for the alcoholic and the loved ones.......
I can understand that this must be very heartbreaking and confusing for you....
I know that it doesn't seem fair.....There are times when l ife isn't "fair"......
I am so sorry that you are in such pain.....
dandylion
I do know (have learned) that we can't control other people and how they feel....,
If he has been drinking for the twenty years....he has never known himself, completely---and, neither have you....Actually, at six months sober...I would say that he is still very new to getting to know himself....
The early recovery period can be extremely difficult for the alcoholic and the loved ones.......
I can understand that this must be very heartbreaking and confusing for you....
I know that it doesn't seem fair.....There are times when l ife isn't "fair"......
I am so sorry that you are in such pain.....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome.
You are in the right place for support. I don't really see that you have a choice. He has chosen to put all of his focus into his recovery. It does not seem fair right? When you are the one who has stood by him. It sort of leaves you reeling, like "what just happened?"
I would give him the time and space he needs, while taking the time for you to maybe try out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to deal with how this leaves YOU feeling.
SR is a place of great support and always here for you!
You are in the right place for support. I don't really see that you have a choice. He has chosen to put all of his focus into his recovery. It does not seem fair right? When you are the one who has stood by him. It sort of leaves you reeling, like "what just happened?"
I would give him the time and space he needs, while taking the time for you to maybe try out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to deal with how this leaves YOU feeling.
SR is a place of great support and always here for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Supernoodle,
So what are you doing? What about your support system?
My marriage is nothing like what it was when my H was a high functioning drinker, then alcoholic. We give each a lot more space now that he's sober.
It may sound odd, but I'd do nothing. Just wait and see. Focus on yourself.
So what are you doing? What about your support system?
My marriage is nothing like what it was when my H was a high functioning drinker, then alcoholic. We give each a lot more space now that he's sober.
It may sound odd, but I'd do nothing. Just wait and see. Focus on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I agree with Code Job;
Either he really needs the space to work on his sobriety and will be back
and ready to really work with the marriage,
Or, he may find he is no longer the same person or wants to be
married any longer. Painful, but it happens sometimes.
However, you also may find with some apart and intensive self-work that you either
want move on or to re-focus on the marriage once you are both more
"normal" in terms of addict / codependent dynamics.
Dealing with an alcoholic spouse really changes your interpersonal dynamic.
Sometimes things can be fixed, sometimes not.
Glad you are here and please keep posting and learning.
The addicts get so much support in treatment, but often family are left
to fend for themselves.
Knowledge will help.
Either he really needs the space to work on his sobriety and will be back
and ready to really work with the marriage,
Or, he may find he is no longer the same person or wants to be
married any longer. Painful, but it happens sometimes.
However, you also may find with some apart and intensive self-work that you either
want move on or to re-focus on the marriage once you are both more
"normal" in terms of addict / codependent dynamics.
Dealing with an alcoholic spouse really changes your interpersonal dynamic.
Sometimes things can be fixed, sometimes not.
Glad you are here and please keep posting and learning.
The addicts get so much support in treatment, but often family are left
to fend for themselves.
Knowledge will help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Germany
Posts: 81
4 months is nothing. It is great but it doesn´t mean one has recovered, being dry is not the same as being sober.
My sponsor wanted to wait 3 month until we did inventory.
I work(ed) the steps and I still get the dry drunk syndrome.
I guess your husband is still very sick underneath his dryness.
S
My sponsor wanted to wait 3 month until we did inventory.
I work(ed) the steps and I still get the dry drunk syndrome.
I guess your husband is still very sick underneath his dryness.
S
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 2
Thank you for your support and experiences. I am struggling I guess to understand why he is causing me such reckless (it seems to me anyway) pain. I see that he can be accountable for his behaviour to everybody else it seems apart from me; the extreme dysfunction is reserved for me. Although I have read a lot about what he could be experiencing and listened to other people's shares, I feel that this is something different. Something amiss. I also feel isolated because his very extensive support network don't know me or 'us' as a couple - it feels that strangers are judging me and advising him what to do.
I also don't find AlAnon helpful because they don't advise or consult - at least the meetings I have been to. It's a great sharing platform and I can do that with my friends or here (or in AlAnon) but my issue isn't sharing - it's how to act and what to do next. Doing nothing doesn't feel real - it doesn't feel like a relationship any more but a pity party of one.
I also don't find AlAnon helpful because they don't advise or consult - at least the meetings I have been to. It's a great sharing platform and I can do that with my friends or here (or in AlAnon) but my issue isn't sharing - it's how to act and what to do next. Doing nothing doesn't feel real - it doesn't feel like a relationship any more but a pity party of one.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by supernoodle52 
I also feel isolated because his very extensive support network don't know me or 'us' as a couple - it feels that strangers are judging me and advising him what to do.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I can relate to her Stella, and it's really difficult for me to articulate it all at times.
6 months sounds like such a long time to be in recovery & working changes into your life but in reality at 6 months I was only just starting to feel my own rage & resentments & exhaustion at the whole situation. And I felt entitled to them; I had earned every bit of that heartache & I wanted answers & apologies. I wanted him to know how badly it hurt to have the person you trusted the most betray you, I was vengeful for a while... and how dare he now have this positive attitude, full of snappy AA quotes & glass half-full thinking while I was just starting to feel the edges of the white-hot rage I had buried inside.
For me things stayed very much the same for the first (almost) year of his recovery especially since I hadn't yet understood how to embrace my own (or understand how badly it was needed). Yes, he was no longer drinking, but instead of being locked away in bars & spending his time with other A's he was locked away in daily AA meetings & sharing all the details of his drinking problem with a bunch of strangers which I found isolating & a bit insulting - here I was the person MOST affected by his poor decisions & I wasn't even privy to understanding how or why we got to this point. I felt abandoned by him for his alcoholism at first, and then abandoned for recovery/AA after.
Even though our area has literally about 100+ AA meetings each month, Al-Anon meetings are very few & far between & never during times I could actually attend. And when I did I felt such a disconnect - there seemed so little information about moving forward with a RA, more of the topics speak to supporting those with active A's or those that chose to leave. I wasn't finding anything relevent to MY life or challenges.
I was still having to hold down the roles of being both Mom & Dad to our DD since he was only able to concentrate on his recovery. I still went to work every day to a job I only half-liked and I still struggled with the financial fallout he had created in our lives. I was the one searching for solutions, assistance, debt consolidations, etc. I was forced to look at the Big Picture & he was living One Day at a Time. Nothing really changed for me as quickly as I expected. No one in my circle really understands addiction so even though I had a few shoulders to lean on, they couldn't really understand anything that I was going through. And I really didn't want to run around announcing how wonderful his recovery was going since I essentially knew nothing about it and didn't want to look like the fool if/when he relapsed.
I was never so happy as I was the day I googled and found SR. I learned SO MUCH about things I had no understanding of - resentments, detachment, the chemistry of addiction, the physiological changes happening in his body during his detox, how very not unique our situation was, etc. That's when things changed for me - that's when I started to see my own recovery needs more clearly. That's when I was able to better separate Me from Him & start handling things with a Me-First attitude.
There was also the element of feeling like I would NEVER be done supporting him..... while my own support seemed lesser both in volume & intensity. Some days the "issues" in my mind got so tangled up that I just wanted to be free from all of it & I thought about leaving more AFTER he sought recovery than I ever did before. I wasn't sure we'd ever be on the same page again.
6 months sounds like such a long time to be in recovery & working changes into your life but in reality at 6 months I was only just starting to feel my own rage & resentments & exhaustion at the whole situation. And I felt entitled to them; I had earned every bit of that heartache & I wanted answers & apologies. I wanted him to know how badly it hurt to have the person you trusted the most betray you, I was vengeful for a while... and how dare he now have this positive attitude, full of snappy AA quotes & glass half-full thinking while I was just starting to feel the edges of the white-hot rage I had buried inside.
For me things stayed very much the same for the first (almost) year of his recovery especially since I hadn't yet understood how to embrace my own (or understand how badly it was needed). Yes, he was no longer drinking, but instead of being locked away in bars & spending his time with other A's he was locked away in daily AA meetings & sharing all the details of his drinking problem with a bunch of strangers which I found isolating & a bit insulting - here I was the person MOST affected by his poor decisions & I wasn't even privy to understanding how or why we got to this point. I felt abandoned by him for his alcoholism at first, and then abandoned for recovery/AA after.
Even though our area has literally about 100+ AA meetings each month, Al-Anon meetings are very few & far between & never during times I could actually attend. And when I did I felt such a disconnect - there seemed so little information about moving forward with a RA, more of the topics speak to supporting those with active A's or those that chose to leave. I wasn't finding anything relevent to MY life or challenges.
I was still having to hold down the roles of being both Mom & Dad to our DD since he was only able to concentrate on his recovery. I still went to work every day to a job I only half-liked and I still struggled with the financial fallout he had created in our lives. I was the one searching for solutions, assistance, debt consolidations, etc. I was forced to look at the Big Picture & he was living One Day at a Time. Nothing really changed for me as quickly as I expected. No one in my circle really understands addiction so even though I had a few shoulders to lean on, they couldn't really understand anything that I was going through. And I really didn't want to run around announcing how wonderful his recovery was going since I essentially knew nothing about it and didn't want to look like the fool if/when he relapsed.
I was never so happy as I was the day I googled and found SR. I learned SO MUCH about things I had no understanding of - resentments, detachment, the chemistry of addiction, the physiological changes happening in his body during his detox, how very not unique our situation was, etc. That's when things changed for me - that's when I started to see my own recovery needs more clearly. That's when I was able to better separate Me from Him & start handling things with a Me-First attitude.
There was also the element of feeling like I would NEVER be done supporting him..... while my own support seemed lesser both in volume & intensity. Some days the "issues" in my mind got so tangled up that I just wanted to be free from all of it & I thought about leaving more AFTER he sought recovery than I ever did before. I wasn't sure we'd ever be on the same page again.
It's been almost 5 yrs of recovery for me/us now. RAH relapsed at about 2 yrs & it became clear he'd been sober & not recovering for most of that time. (despite talking a good talk the whole while)
Now, when I think back to being at 4 months it's like night & day. I had frustrations with Al Anon, for sure, but overall the program has been like a giant pillow to lay my head on when I need a respite. And if I'm being honest, I eventually realized that when I had frustrations, they were very often about me not wanting to dig deeply into self-work. I wanted someone to just point me to an answer & that is not AT ALL how any part of this process works - not even for the recovering addict. They can go to detoxes & rehabs ad nauseam but in the end it only comes down to a willingness to change behaviors. All the how-to in the world can't MAKE anyone DO anything.
Welcome to SR! You've found a very special place to vent about it all!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Great words, FireSprite-all very true. I saw that in myself as well. For me, I've been sober almost four years from alcohol - and sober from my twisted demonized alcoholic for over a year and a half. I've changed so much....not drinking is just the tip of it-it's a complete life overhaul and if embracing true recovery, changes who you are on every level, for the better. And it's tough as **** detoxing from an abusive marriage-a lot tougher than stopping drinking for me.
Just my two cents.
Just my two cents.
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