It's getting worse by the minute...
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
It's getting worse by the minute...
Hi all,
It appears that things just got worse, and that saying no to an entitled alcoholic fucktard is the perfect recipe having hurtful things yelled at you.
We had agreed to have a discussion today. Please note that the discussion was at his request, not mine. On Monday, we asked me when I would be available today, which I told him was in the morning. When he asked me to be more specific, I told him 9 am. He was unhappy about the early time, but agreed.
Last night, he sent me a text saying “Enjoy your dinner” as he knew I was having dinner with a friend. That was quickly followed by another text telling me that the 9 am discussion wasn’t working for him that it was too early, and could we reschedule.
I called him as I had no intention of spending my evening texting while having dinner with my friend. I told him that the best I could do was 10 am, as I had something in the afternoon, and something at night. I didn’t want to reschedule for the next day or another date, as I was tired of this dragging on.
And then the yelling commenced! At this point, I can’t even remember all the things that were yelled. I can assure you that I completely lost my cool and did indeed join in the yelling. I do remember saying that I had had enough of the verbal abuse, which I repeated more than one. Apparently, what I’m doing to him is worse than verbal abuse as I am putting distance between us, which to him means “casting him aside and rejecting him”. I did tell him that I had been doing that to protect myself. He wouldn’t get it, so I let that dropped.
I ended that conversation saying that I would be contacting his friend so I could deal with him to return his stuff. I then turned my phone off and tried (and failed) to enjoy my dinner.
As my friend and I were walking back from the restaurant, I turned on my phone as I didn’t feel with dealing with any of that alone at home. Let just say it wasn’t positive.
I got more yelling, hurtful things, etc. I was told more than once that I was prohibited with contacting his friend, or any other friends of his to deal with his stuff.
He demanded that I put his stuff on the porch immediately and that he would come pick them up. At that point, it was past midnight, and told him that I was not comfortable doing that. He insisted, I stopped responding.
Had it been the middle of the way, I would’ve been happy to put his stuff on the porch. But as I live alone and since he was drunk and it was the middle of the night, I had no desire of having him so close to home. I didn’t want to give him a reason to set foot on my porch as I had no idea how he would act.
I guess at this point I’m angry again. Angry that in order to protect myself and not escalate things further, I just have to “shut up and take it”. I’m angry that I don’t get to get things off my chest.
It makes me feel like a doormat.
It appears that things just got worse, and that saying no to an entitled alcoholic fucktard is the perfect recipe having hurtful things yelled at you.
We had agreed to have a discussion today. Please note that the discussion was at his request, not mine. On Monday, we asked me when I would be available today, which I told him was in the morning. When he asked me to be more specific, I told him 9 am. He was unhappy about the early time, but agreed.
Last night, he sent me a text saying “Enjoy your dinner” as he knew I was having dinner with a friend. That was quickly followed by another text telling me that the 9 am discussion wasn’t working for him that it was too early, and could we reschedule.
I called him as I had no intention of spending my evening texting while having dinner with my friend. I told him that the best I could do was 10 am, as I had something in the afternoon, and something at night. I didn’t want to reschedule for the next day or another date, as I was tired of this dragging on.
And then the yelling commenced! At this point, I can’t even remember all the things that were yelled. I can assure you that I completely lost my cool and did indeed join in the yelling. I do remember saying that I had had enough of the verbal abuse, which I repeated more than one. Apparently, what I’m doing to him is worse than verbal abuse as I am putting distance between us, which to him means “casting him aside and rejecting him”. I did tell him that I had been doing that to protect myself. He wouldn’t get it, so I let that dropped.
I ended that conversation saying that I would be contacting his friend so I could deal with him to return his stuff. I then turned my phone off and tried (and failed) to enjoy my dinner.
As my friend and I were walking back from the restaurant, I turned on my phone as I didn’t feel with dealing with any of that alone at home. Let just say it wasn’t positive.
I got more yelling, hurtful things, etc. I was told more than once that I was prohibited with contacting his friend, or any other friends of his to deal with his stuff.
He demanded that I put his stuff on the porch immediately and that he would come pick them up. At that point, it was past midnight, and told him that I was not comfortable doing that. He insisted, I stopped responding.
Had it been the middle of the way, I would’ve been happy to put his stuff on the porch. But as I live alone and since he was drunk and it was the middle of the night, I had no desire of having him so close to home. I didn’t want to give him a reason to set foot on my porch as I had no idea how he would act.
I guess at this point I’m angry again. Angry that in order to protect myself and not escalate things further, I just have to “shut up and take it”. I’m angry that I don’t get to get things off my chest.
It makes me feel like a doormat.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It's a lot like an addiction...every time you re-engage you're getting hooked again. Been there!
Are you looking for a chance to yell at him thinking you'll feel better or are you hoping on some level for acknowledgment and maybe even an apology? Because all you're probably going to get is what you're getting...denial, delays, and deflection. And you don't start healing until you give up and truly walk away.
Maybe there are other ways to deal with the anger? Pound nails into a board, beat a pillow to a fluffy death, write it all down and burn it?
Get his stuff out, block his number, turn your face to the sun and walk on. There is nothing but pain for you in continuing this dialogue.
Are you looking for a chance to yell at him thinking you'll feel better or are you hoping on some level for acknowledgment and maybe even an apology? Because all you're probably going to get is what you're getting...denial, delays, and deflection. And you don't start healing until you give up and truly walk away.
Maybe there are other ways to deal with the anger? Pound nails into a board, beat a pillow to a fluffy death, write it all down and burn it?
Get his stuff out, block his number, turn your face to the sun and walk on. There is nothing but pain for you in continuing this dialogue.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Ariesagain, part of me would like nothing more than to get a chance to yell at him and get some level of acknowledgment. But I know there's no point in it. I guess that's part of why I'm angry.
I will gladly put his stuff out. Just not at midnight when he's drunk and already yelling at me. I have no desire to have him put one foot on my steps when he's in that state and it's the middle of the night.
I will gladly put his stuff out. Just not at midnight when he's drunk and already yelling at me. I have no desire to have him put one foot on my steps when he's in that state and it's the middle of the night.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Don't get me wrong, you did absolutely the right thing with not having him show up last night. Maybe put his stuff on the porch and make sure you're not home?
If he won't show up, leave it out there for three days and either it gets stolen or get rid of it.
If he won't show up, leave it out there for three days and either it gets stolen or get rid of it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by Kata 
I guess at this point I’m angry again. Angry that in order to protect myself and not escalate things further, I just have to “shut up and take it”. I’m angry that I don’t get to get things off my chest.
It makes me feel like a doormat.
It makes me feel like a doormat.
Yesterday I was even told that I was clueless because he hadn´t drank in a long time and I wasn´t even able to discern when he was drinking. This was while I could hear the icecubes in his glass tinkling through the phone - he ALWAYS drinks vodka at night. He made it sound like I was plain dumb.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Who is he to explicitly forbid you to contact his friends? And if you do, he is going to do what?
Just think, what would be the easiest way out for you and the most comfortable way for you to deal with his stuff, that is, to get rid of his stuff? And if you do leave them on the porch, do you think he is going to come and get his stuff or just drag his legs around it?
I just think he is manipulating and wants to cause more conflict.
Just think, what would be the easiest way out for you and the most comfortable way for you to deal with his stuff, that is, to get rid of his stuff? And if you do leave them on the porch, do you think he is going to come and get his stuff or just drag his legs around it?
I just think he is manipulating and wants to cause more conflict.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Healthyagain, I don't think he is manipulating, I know he is. I also think that he doesn't want me to contact his friends as he wants to "control the information". My problem is that he seems to be in control. It feels like anything I do is provoking him. If I don't respond, it provokes him. Same thing if I do. I don't care if he forbides me to talk to his friends, if I decide that it's the right solution, that's what I'll do. But at this point, It would just serve to provoke him further. I don't not want him to show up on my doorstep, or find him waiting for me after my dance classes. I talked to my therapist this morning and ahe suggested that I should wait a bit, let things calm down and then deal with his stuff any way I see fit.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kata.....LOL....I know what you mean. I used to drive to an empty parking lot...or, the the edge of the woods (my favorite)....or an open field. A riverbank or the edge of the ocean would be p erfect......
Actually, I think that the open arms of Nature seems to be the very most receptive of our genuine self......
Keeping in mind...that this is a process that will take time..time...time....to navigate.....
You are doing GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Actually, I think that the open arms of Nature seems to be the very most receptive of our genuine self......
Keeping in mind...that this is a process that will take time..time...time....to navigate.....
You are doing GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Kata
I talked to my therapist this morning and ahe suggested that I should wait a bit,
Or If you insist on being there, have an officer stand by while he collects his property, to keep the peace since he's prone to yelling and anger.
And go no contact.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
If you aren't making a record of his calls you should be. Start documenting and DON'T engage with him. Let the police know he is harrassing you and ask what to do. If he can't contact you he can't spit out his anger (and neither can you). Stop allowing contact.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Nero,
I understand your suggestion. And part of me is inclined to take it. I just feel trap right now. Everything provokes him. As he already showed up once at my door unanounced and drunk, I don't want to take that chance. My home is my office, and I'd like to be able to work in peace. I also want to avoid having him showing up at my dance class tonight.
I feel I'm damn if I you, and damn if I don't.
As of now, he hasn't tried to contact me since 1am last night. He's either on a bender or sleeping it off right now. And, if I'm lucky, he already has found another poor girl to latch on. Which is why my therapist suggested to wait a bit. It's his pattern. He NEEDS to be in a relationship, and it never takes him long to find someone new. Once he finds someone else, he will stop caring about me, and just fraking leave me in peace!
I understand your suggestion. And part of me is inclined to take it. I just feel trap right now. Everything provokes him. As he already showed up once at my door unanounced and drunk, I don't want to take that chance. My home is my office, and I'd like to be able to work in peace. I also want to avoid having him showing up at my dance class tonight.
I feel I'm damn if I you, and damn if I don't.
As of now, he hasn't tried to contact me since 1am last night. He's either on a bender or sleeping it off right now. And, if I'm lucky, he already has found another poor girl to latch on. Which is why my therapist suggested to wait a bit. It's his pattern. He NEEDS to be in a relationship, and it never takes him long to find someone new. Once he finds someone else, he will stop caring about me, and just fraking leave me in peace!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don’t agree with your therapist on waiting a bit………..waiting a bit for WHAT exactly?
You have the ability at any time you wish to be done with him and all of this drama……………waiting a bit only keeps the drama going.
Put his things on your porch, text him to pick it up today and block his number, be done with it.
You have the ability at any time you wish to be done with him and all of this drama……………waiting a bit only keeps the drama going.
Put his things on your porch, text him to pick it up today and block his number, be done with it.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
I wouldn't wait either. What do you gain by doing that? Make a solid plan to dump his stuff -on the porch/meet at the police station/whatever- so that you can be done having legitimate reasons for him to contact you. (But no, I wouldn't have had him come by at midnight while drunk either)
*I* wouldn't leave it with "friends" because it drags more unrelated people into the drama, but if he had family in the area (mom/dad) I'd have no problems making that my last resort to dump stuff. Or give him a deadline when you make a plan & make it clear that anything NOT picked up is being donated - whatever is within your legal right to do.
If stuff is heavy - make arrangements that don't involve him needing to be there/set it up for it to happen. Do this on YOUR terms. See honeypig's old posts for inspiration, I remember her reaching this point of "enough" and magically, solutions appeared!
The only way for you to really start healing is to cut contact with him first, IMO, from reading your posts. You have to stop engaging in order for things to change.
*I* wouldn't leave it with "friends" because it drags more unrelated people into the drama, but if he had family in the area (mom/dad) I'd have no problems making that my last resort to dump stuff. Or give him a deadline when you make a plan & make it clear that anything NOT picked up is being donated - whatever is within your legal right to do.
If stuff is heavy - make arrangements that don't involve him needing to be there/set it up for it to happen. Do this on YOUR terms. See honeypig's old posts for inspiration, I remember her reaching this point of "enough" and magically, solutions appeared!
The only way for you to really start healing is to cut contact with him first, IMO, from reading your posts. You have to stop engaging in order for things to change.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
If we could have more stress ladies oh my God. it has to be 2016.. could things get any worse. yep.. hahahahah humor that is all we have that no one
can take from us.... prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow.. I got to sleep a bit last night.. so looking forward to the drive up home and staying near my Mom for Easter and church.. Ed is to.. now to get him to look at life and see the sun shine a bit... hugs ardy...
can take from us.... prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow.. I got to sleep a bit last night.. so looking forward to the drive up home and staying near my Mom for Easter and church.. Ed is to.. now to get him to look at life and see the sun shine a bit... hugs ardy...
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Posts: 235
I am very much exhausted by it all. I feel like I cannot think clearly anymore. Which, I suppose, is exactly what he wants.
The suggestion of leaving is stuff on the porch now and texting him feels like the right one. I just know there will be a backlash, and I cannot deal with anymore drama right now. I do not have the strenght to deal with all that Sh!t.
I will have the strenght to do so soon, but today I just don't. I do not want to deal with him maybe banging on the door if he comes to get his stuff, I don't want to have to look over my shoulder when I go to my dance class. I only want to regroup.
The suggestion of leaving is stuff on the porch now and texting him feels like the right one. I just know there will be a backlash, and I cannot deal with anymore drama right now. I do not have the strenght to deal with all that Sh!t.
I will have the strenght to do so soon, but today I just don't. I do not want to deal with him maybe banging on the door if he comes to get his stuff, I don't want to have to look over my shoulder when I go to my dance class. I only want to regroup.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Kata
I am very much exhausted by it all. I feel like I cannot think clearly anymore. Which, I suppose, is exactly what he wants.
The suggestion of leaving is stuff on the porch now and texting him feels like the right one. I just know there will be a backlash, and I cannot deal with anymore drama right now. I do not have the strenght to deal with all that Sh!t.
I will have the strenght to do so soon, but today I just don't. I do not want to deal with him maybe banging on the door if he comes to get his stuff, I don't want to have to look over my shoulder when I go to my dance class. I only want to regroup.
The suggestion of leaving is stuff on the porch now and texting him feels like the right one. I just know there will be a backlash, and I cannot deal with anymore drama right now. I do not have the strenght to deal with all that Sh!t.
I will have the strenght to do so soon, but today I just don't. I do not want to deal with him maybe banging on the door if he comes to get his stuff, I don't want to have to look over my shoulder when I go to my dance class. I only want to regroup.
You simply give him the stage for his performance and your fears keep his show going.
You need to ask yourself, do you just want to be done with it for a few hours or days so that you can refuel for the next go around or finally once and for all be done for good and are willing to take the necessary steps…..blocking his #, calling the police if he shows up at your home or workplace.
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