It's getting worse by the minute...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Atalose,
I honestly want to be done once and for all. And yes, I aslo realize that it's sounds much like an addict when I say I will deal with it, just not today. I realize the supidity of my thought process. I realize it all too well...
I honestly want to be done once and for all. And yes, I aslo realize that it's sounds much like an addict when I say I will deal with it, just not today. I realize the supidity of my thought process. I realize it all too well...
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 20
I know all too well the wanting to convince him of his wrongs; if I would just say it in *just* the right way or repeat it for the 10000th time maybe THIS time he would get it.. never happened. It was my attempt to control since he wasn't giving me the acknowledgement and affirmation I needed from him at the time. Took me a long time to realize I would never get (nor should I NEED) recognition and validation from him in order to heal and move on.
I agree with what has been posted: dump his stuff on your porch and go no contact. I know it's hard now, but trust me when I say you will be so glad that you did.
I agree with what has been posted: dump his stuff on your porch and go no contact. I know it's hard now, but trust me when I say you will be so glad that you did.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
They say we Codie's are just like addicts in that way. I know I was in a lot of ways like my ex, but I saw the error in my ways and the I healthiness and chose life and not dysfunction. Kata-this guy is going to continue to blame, deny and manipulate if you give him the space or time. He will not change. Just say goodbye once and for all and walk away from this dude. Pray he finds another poor girl soon so he leaves you alone. Maybe one day he will find lasting sobriety and recovery but that's not your story...yours is one of getting away from a toxic addict.
Get his stuff out now, go No contact, no looking back-this guy is a tool and just not worth your time. Get on with your life !! You have no idea how sweet life can be without an addict running the show!!!! It's beyond beautiful.
Get his stuff out now, go No contact, no looking back-this guy is a tool and just not worth your time. Get on with your life !! You have no idea how sweet life can be without an addict running the show!!!! It's beyond beautiful.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
kata, imma gonna type a few things from what this (ex) drunken fucktard and how i woulda been in the situation:
you didnt let yourself get involved in the childish screaming, name calling insanity.....so, youre very angry(understandable). ya know what youre not involving yourself and being an adult woulda did to me? p*ssed me right off and i woulda been all p*ssed right off and it wouldnt have been bothering you one bit if i was p*ssed right off.
if you engaged and started yelling back?
welp, i was reeeeeally sick and would have thought,"i won!!!"
and probably start planning my next battle.
stick to your guns.
you are the stronger, more intelligent one here.
p.s.
pretty amazing how a ppo got me to stop doing that insanity after one relationship. i was still a drunken fucktard, but i left her alone.
you didnt let yourself get involved in the childish screaming, name calling insanity.....so, youre very angry(understandable). ya know what youre not involving yourself and being an adult woulda did to me? p*ssed me right off and i woulda been all p*ssed right off and it wouldnt have been bothering you one bit if i was p*ssed right off.
if you engaged and started yelling back?
welp, i was reeeeeally sick and would have thought,"i won!!!"
and probably start planning my next battle.
stick to your guns.
you are the stronger, more intelligent one here.
p.s.
pretty amazing how a ppo got me to stop doing that insanity after one relationship. i was still a drunken fucktard, but i left her alone.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Tom steve-your words are brilliant. Seriously, thank you. You sound just like my ex-if he were to actually be honest about his actions and himself. Thank you for sharing! And so glad you're not a drubken f-tard anymore
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i just want to point out how this line of "reasoning" went totally off the rails:
Last night, he sent me a text saying “Enjoy your dinner” as he knew I was having dinner with a friend. That was quickly followed by another text telling me that the 9 am discussion wasn’t working for him that it was too early, and could we reschedule.
I called him as I had no intention of spending my evening texting while having dinner with my friend.
if you had no intention of texting during dinner, then why was your phone even ON during dinner? also, making a phone call DURING DINNER to TELL someone you have no desire to TEXT them as it will interrupt your dinner really defeats the purpose.
my point is....you are in control here, not the phone. and not the ex.
if you don't WANT to talk to him, then don't. if you don't want to read his texts, like ever, then BLOCK him. if you want some peace and serenity back, be DONE with this bozo as quickly as possible. i think it was Lily1918 who said BLOCK AND WALK.
Last night, he sent me a text saying “Enjoy your dinner” as he knew I was having dinner with a friend. That was quickly followed by another text telling me that the 9 am discussion wasn’t working for him that it was too early, and could we reschedule.
I called him as I had no intention of spending my evening texting while having dinner with my friend.
if you had no intention of texting during dinner, then why was your phone even ON during dinner? also, making a phone call DURING DINNER to TELL someone you have no desire to TEXT them as it will interrupt your dinner really defeats the purpose.
my point is....you are in control here, not the phone. and not the ex.
if you don't WANT to talk to him, then don't. if you don't want to read his texts, like ever, then BLOCK him. if you want some peace and serenity back, be DONE with this bozo as quickly as possible. i think it was Lily1918 who said BLOCK AND WALK.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I just want to say one thing. My ex said to me once, "What is worse? abuse or not sleeping with you?".
I think you know that I was stunned when I heard that. What he meant was that I was abusing him by not wanting to have sex with him, and that was worse then the abuse from him that I was dealing with.
He actually told me that I could abuse him verbally and physically all day long, but yet he would still have sex with me.
Think about that, think about the warped minds that they have.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think you know that I was stunned when I heard that. What he meant was that I was abusing him by not wanting to have sex with him, and that was worse then the abuse from him that I was dealing with.
He actually told me that I could abuse him verbally and physically all day long, but yet he would still have sex with me.
Think about that, think about the warped minds that they have.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Ughhhh I don't know what to say except hang in there - I want to beat my separated Ah about the head today - feeling super angry and full of hate - not helping me I know but hearing your name of "fucktard" truly has made my day and for that I thank you!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I had wanted to add in a PS to my reply, but the time ran out for that.
I was with my ex for 25 years. I read in one of your threads that you "just" wanted to feel respected. By the time I left, that was or would be considered a high bar to set. I "just" wanted to be treated like a human being and like I existed, he couldn't even do that.
amy
I was with my ex for 25 years. I read in one of your threads that you "just" wanted to feel respected. By the time I left, that was or would be considered a high bar to set. I "just" wanted to be treated like a human being and like I existed, he couldn't even do that.
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Originally Posted by amy55 
I had wanted to add in a PS to my reply, but the time ran out for that.
I was with my ex for 25 years. I read in one of your threads that you "just" wanted to feel respected. By the time I left, that was or would be considered a high bar to set. I "just" wanted to be treated like a human being and like I existed, he couldn't even do that.
amy
I was with my ex for 25 years. I read in one of your threads that you "just" wanted to feel respected. By the time I left, that was or would be considered a high bar to set. I "just" wanted to be treated like a human being and like I existed, he couldn't even do that.
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Thank you all so much for the support. Today has been a really hard day. I'm not sure I've processed anything that has happened. I still feel shaken and absolutely not myself.
I did however spend the afternoon with obe of my close friend. I got to shop at the Asian market where I bought so many different type of noodles. And I went to my dance class.
Also, today I was amazed to see that even in the worst sh!t storms wonderful things can me found if you only let it come. This morning a card for me came with the mail. It was an Easter card from my aged neighbors. I cannot tell you how touched I was. This simple card came exactly when I needed it.
Later, on my way to my friend's place, I tried to buy a metro ticket, but the machine that takes debit or credit was broken. I didn't have any cash on me and I would've had to get out to find an ATM. Then, I lady asked me if I had the money for my ticket. I said no but it wasn't a problem I would just go to the ATM. She said she wanted to do something nice for someone today and offered to buy my ticket. I refused at first as there are a lot of people in a lot more need than I. But she insisted and I finally accepted.
I swear, this brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't believe that a stranger could be that nice.
I did however spend the afternoon with obe of my close friend. I got to shop at the Asian market where I bought so many different type of noodles. And I went to my dance class.
Also, today I was amazed to see that even in the worst sh!t storms wonderful things can me found if you only let it come. This morning a card for me came with the mail. It was an Easter card from my aged neighbors. I cannot tell you how touched I was. This simple card came exactly when I needed it.
Later, on my way to my friend's place, I tried to buy a metro ticket, but the machine that takes debit or credit was broken. I didn't have any cash on me and I would've had to get out to find an ATM. Then, I lady asked me if I had the money for my ticket. I said no but it wasn't a problem I would just go to the ATM. She said she wanted to do something nice for someone today and offered to buy my ticket. I refused at first as there are a lot of people in a lot more need than I. But she insisted and I finally accepted.
I swear, this brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't believe that a stranger could be that nice.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Thank you amy. Believe me that lifted my heart too. The card is now on my bedside table so it will be the last thing I see at night and the first in the morning. A simple reminder that love and kidness can come from everywhere and that there are good people in this world.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Hello all, I simply wanted to post an update on the situation,
I am sure many won't approve, but at this point I feel that I have done the right thing for me in the situation. The right thing for me to feel better about myself. So here goes:
as I said the other day, I didn't feel like myself at all and honestly didn't have any strenght to deal with anything that day. Well that was an eye opened for me. I have never not had the strenght to deal with something, never. I spent that afternokn with a friend, we talked a lot, she gave me good pointers and insights, and that got me thinking. And boy did it do some thinking.
Then, the next morning, the Fucktard called. He wanted to reschedule so we could talk, and it all came out, everything I had been keeping inside, all the words that I couldn't manage to say in an articulate manner. I wasn't angry, I wasn't mean, i just stated the facts. He started to explain his side of things, telling me that really, I should've known better than setting up a 9 am discussion, and that's when I started talking, it went like this:
Me: no, right now, you do not get to talk, you do not get to explain or argue. This is not a negociation. I get to talk and you get to listen, and that's it.
Him: Yeah but, you have to understand....
Me: No, I don't have to understand anything. Now, listen and listen good, I will not repeat myself. What you have done to me last night was just the last straw, it was the culminating point of all those behaviors you've been escalating for a while now. I have told you many times, and it just got worse. understand this, to me what last night was is the emotional equivalent of you having thrown me to the ground. And then started kicking me. How I feel inside is exactly the same as if I was covered in bruises and had a few broken ribs.
Him: OK, i get that you're in pain...But you are exagerating a bit.
Me: No, you do not get to judge or invalidate my feelings. This is how I feel. It is not an exageration, it's not something I am telling you to get a reaction out of you, it is how I feel. This is the damage the relationship has done to me. This is what your emotional abuse as done to me.
Him: well, now, that's a bit strong don't you think?
Me: you do not get to judge my feelings. What you have done to me is emotional abuse. Plain an simple.
Him: but it wansn't my intent. I love you and hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I just want to take me in my arms.
Me: I don't care about your intente, I don't care that you say you love me, and you sure as hell will never touch me again. I feel that you are a threat and a danger to me and my well being. As for your things, you will either send someone to pick them up, or I will have a friend drop them on your doorstep. You can inform me of your decision through email and email only.
Him: just put them in the trash for all I care.
Me: Friday is trash day, if you havenn't informes me by email of your decision by then, your stuff will be in the trash. Goodbye.
So that's it. I know most of you suggested that I only text him about his stuff and go no contact. However, once I fully realized the extent of how I felt, once I was able to say that what I had been going through had a name and it was emotional abuse, I needed to stand up for myself.
It honestly wasn't about making him realize what he had done, it was about me standing up for myself, rescuing myself and not being a doormat any longer.
By doing that, a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Now, it's only the first step on a long road to recovery for me. I will need to do a lot of work on myself to make sure I never let myself be in that position ever again.
I am sure many won't approve, but at this point I feel that I have done the right thing for me in the situation. The right thing for me to feel better about myself. So here goes:
as I said the other day, I didn't feel like myself at all and honestly didn't have any strenght to deal with anything that day. Well that was an eye opened for me. I have never not had the strenght to deal with something, never. I spent that afternokn with a friend, we talked a lot, she gave me good pointers and insights, and that got me thinking. And boy did it do some thinking.
Then, the next morning, the Fucktard called. He wanted to reschedule so we could talk, and it all came out, everything I had been keeping inside, all the words that I couldn't manage to say in an articulate manner. I wasn't angry, I wasn't mean, i just stated the facts. He started to explain his side of things, telling me that really, I should've known better than setting up a 9 am discussion, and that's when I started talking, it went like this:
Me: no, right now, you do not get to talk, you do not get to explain or argue. This is not a negociation. I get to talk and you get to listen, and that's it.
Him: Yeah but, you have to understand....
Me: No, I don't have to understand anything. Now, listen and listen good, I will not repeat myself. What you have done to me last night was just the last straw, it was the culminating point of all those behaviors you've been escalating for a while now. I have told you many times, and it just got worse. understand this, to me what last night was is the emotional equivalent of you having thrown me to the ground. And then started kicking me. How I feel inside is exactly the same as if I was covered in bruises and had a few broken ribs.
Him: OK, i get that you're in pain...But you are exagerating a bit.
Me: No, you do not get to judge or invalidate my feelings. This is how I feel. It is not an exageration, it's not something I am telling you to get a reaction out of you, it is how I feel. This is the damage the relationship has done to me. This is what your emotional abuse as done to me.
Him: well, now, that's a bit strong don't you think?
Me: you do not get to judge my feelings. What you have done to me is emotional abuse. Plain an simple.
Him: but it wansn't my intent. I love you and hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I just want to take me in my arms.
Me: I don't care about your intente, I don't care that you say you love me, and you sure as hell will never touch me again. I feel that you are a threat and a danger to me and my well being. As for your things, you will either send someone to pick them up, or I will have a friend drop them on your doorstep. You can inform me of your decision through email and email only.
Him: just put them in the trash for all I care.
Me: Friday is trash day, if you havenn't informes me by email of your decision by then, your stuff will be in the trash. Goodbye.
So that's it. I know most of you suggested that I only text him about his stuff and go no contact. However, once I fully realized the extent of how I felt, once I was able to say that what I had been going through had a name and it was emotional abuse, I needed to stand up for myself.
It honestly wasn't about making him realize what he had done, it was about me standing up for myself, rescuing myself and not being a doormat any longer.
By doing that, a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Now, it's only the first step on a long road to recovery for me. I will need to do a lot of work on myself to make sure I never let myself be in that position ever again.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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It's your world and for all that we want to help and think we know the answers, in the end, it's your decision and it sounds like you made the right one for you. Good for you!
Onward. And I hope his stuff is being hauled aboard a garbage truck as we post!
Onward. And I hope his stuff is being hauled aboard a garbage truck as we post!
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