JLOBYXMAS

So I got a call from XAH yesterday that he will be flying home tomorrow from rehab. He has chosen to not stay there for sober living, against the advice of his counselor and myself. He is coming back to my hometown, I reiterated that there is no need for him to come there as he has nothing there, no friends, no family. He's insistent that he is coming there to deal with his legal issues from the DUI's.
He asked if I would pick him up from the airport and once again I refused. His daughter will be picking him up and bringing him for his car which is parked at my house. His belongings are boxed up in the garage, once he has a place to stay I'm going to give him 30 days to get his stuff, dependent on how he acts between now and then, if I need to I can have police standing by for his property removal.
I told him that I he can't even stay at my house for one evening, that I will not allow myself to be manipulated by him. He says he knows and that he has no thoughts of us getting back together, which I know is a crock of s***. My anxiety has been through the roof since I got that phone call. The safety net of rehab and distance ends tomorrow. I'm a wreck.
Thankfully I have the paperwork in order, divorce is final, house is in my name only, I can always call the cops if he gets nuts. I'm nervous, scared, anxiety-ridden.
I really don't even care if he's successful in his recovery or not, I anticipate him relapsing as he's always done in the past, thankfully if he does he won't be doing it within the confines of my 4 walls. He insists that he's changed and that God is going to take care of him. Hey I'm all for God, but I'm skeptical. He was upset that I wasn't all gung-ho positive, and I told him that while he's been working on himself for the past three months, the rest of us only have the horrible memories of the toxicity that he brought into our lives. Wish I had 90 days to forget about all adult responsibilities and talk about my feelings in a luxury beach setting, with private chefs, yoga, and massage. Maybe I need to develop an addiction
Just venting.

Liveitwell

Oh my-do I get it. Go right on and vent! Your feelings are normal and so is his reaction to what his counselors told him, making you feel bad about not being so positive and believing in him, etc. This IS what addicts do/and although I always hope for the best, it does not sound like he's changed very much. Kudos to you for doing what you need for yourself. Bravo! Now keep your head up and keep marching forward, friend!

LexieCat

Well, for now he is sober. Hopefully that means he will behave in a reasonable and respectful way until he gets his stuff out of there.

Try not to borrow trouble. You've said no to his requests and he hasn't had a meltdown yet.

People DO successfully recover. I'm not suggesting for one second you should allow that fact (or possibility) to change one thing about what you're doing--EXCEPT that you can maybe dial down the red alert. It sounds like you've got everything covered (which, paradoxically, may give you more time to worry).

Try your best to keep breathing and don't assume the worst. Being prepared is one thing, but right now all indications suggest he will go quietly.

Refiner

LOL IKR???? Let us know how it goes. I take it his daughter lives in the same town that you refer to as your home town? Where did he live before going to rehab?

atalose

I agree with Lexiecat - try not to borrow trouble or as a woman in my al-anon group always says - stop making up lies in your head of things that have not happened yet.

It's hard not to have anxiety especially based on past experiences but you have to remember that you are NOT that person dealing with those experiences. Today you are a stronger person who knows you better then anyone and are thinking of things that you will do differently then you did before.

Limiting your contact with him, holding your boundary's and the action of calling the police if necessary...........I think you will do just fine if you stick to this plan.

JLOBYXMAS

No she lives about 90 miles away in NJ. He moved to PA to be with me. He doesn't have friends or family here...just me.

I don't feel like I'm looking for trouble, I am on red alert because of all the turmoil from the past, like I said I haven't had 3 months of intense therapy, I've been holding it together by the skin of my teeth. The only thing I have to base my thoughts on are our history, and our history was horrendous. I know he loves me still, and I know he isn't going to just go silently into night.
I do agree that there is the benefit of current sobriety, and the zen will still linger from his time in rehab....praying that it sticks.

AnvilheadII

it's good to vent out those fears and frustrations HERE. and also to review all the strides YOU have made.....the positive affirmative actions YOU have taken. you will be ok, regardless of HIS outcomes. but i totally get wishing he had picked any other place on the planet......that part does get my spidey senses up a bit. stick to your guns, stick to your plan, stick to your therapist!!! and stick with us!

Refiner

My spidey senses are WAY up. Does he have a court date he needs to attend and that's why he said he needs to take care of legal business? Or perhaps retain a local lawyer? It doesn't really matter... not your crap to worry about any more. I'm sure there are plenty of hotels around there.

Hawkeye13

I'm with Refiner--spidey sense tingling here too.
I would be pretty ruthless--email communication only,
and only to arrange pick up of his things.
When that happens, your friends and / or police there
and no direct communication
I also suggest blocking his phone, & tell him if he shows up to your house
unannounced and uninvited
you're calling the cops and not letting him in.

Seriously.
I think he is going to try to "get you back" as well.
You've already told him you want nothing to do with him.
Have your actions mirror your words.
You can get through this--I don't think you're overreacting
by being very careful to avoid direct contact.

DesertEyes

* LOL *

oh... oh... please ... please.... can I go?? I _want_ that... no... I _need_ that !!

Does addiction to eBay count?



Mike

JLOBYXMAS

Hawkeye I believe that my actions have matched my words, I did not contact him once while he was in rehab, I never returned him letters, I forwarded his mail to him in an envelope with no personal note attached. Reminded his counselor time and time again that I was not interested in continuing this relationship, and the cherry on top was I went through with the divorce, finalized while he was in rehab. And yet he sent me flowers the other day with a card that said "I deserve them." And as I mentioned again asked if i would pick him up from airport after multiple times telling him I would not.
He is also going by past behavior I believe, which was to sweet talk me, play on my heart strings, and manipulate his way back in. So I'm sure that's what he thinks he can do again, and his counselor agreed. Thanks for the affirmation of my thoughts.
Refiner, he does have court dates set, but there is no reason for him to STAY in my town, he could move back to his hometown and drive the 90 minutes for court dates once every few weeks or months. He's manipulating, he wants to be close so that he's near me. I know it, and I know how easy I'm manipulated when it comes to him, no contact is the only way I'm going to survive this, I know it to the bottom of my heart. He knows I love him, we didn't break up for lack of love, we aren't together because he is an all-in pathetic drunk. I can't be near him, no doubt in my mind.
Deserteyes, if my shopping addiction counts, then I don't see why your ebay addiction wouldn't count as well. Now to decide where to go, would you prefer florida, arizona or california

Refiner

Oh yikes JLO... it is all pure manipulation, isn't it! He is relying on OLD tactics and will soon meet "the NEW you". Get his boxed sh*t to him as fast as you can. He needs to know he's NOT allowed to just "stop-by". Soon it will be no fun for him bc of the rejection, I'm assuming. Let's just hope. Does he have a temper? Things tend to get dicey when you tell a drunk "NO" and mean it.

Liveitwell

^ um, yeah. Dicey is an understatement!! Please keep yourself safe-my ex thought he could lie and manipulate his way back in-until he realized he couldn't-and all hell broke loose (meaning HE lost his marbles even more than he already had). Pls be safe-it does sound like it's all manipulation.

dandylion

JLOBY......sending you support in staying strong! As you know....you must not give him even the slightest opening!!!

dandylion

JLOBYXMAS

He has had a temper in the past but so do I. I was abused in my first marriage so I will not back down from anyone....possibly a fatal flaw.
You're right he's leaving his stuff as a "let me stop by tactic"...surprise I got news ur gonna hafta get ur stuff out within 30 days.
Of course my son and I went to start his car to make sure there would be no issues tomorrow...and yes u guessed it the darn thing is dead, can't jump it. Hurdle after hurdle. Thankfully a friend is coming over tonite to swap it out. I am blessed with some great people in my life.

AnvilheadII

can you ROLL it to the street??? or once started, MOVE it off the property, in a safe location of course.

i know when i packed up and left my last ex i inadvertently left some stuff behind and my ex had to round it up. of course he had no ADVANCE knowledge that i was leaving. what i suggest is if possible for you to collect as much of his stuff as you can, boxed up and ready to go. knick knacks, photos, mementos. my ex REFUSED to give my deceased mother's prized brass fishing reel....he claimed he was USING it. it was just a snarky move, and he eventually gave it back....but i had not even considered it when i was moving out.

JLOBYXMAS

The car battery was replaced last night at 10pm, keys above the visor, parked in the parking lot by my house. His instructions are to just get it and go, I do not want to see him.
Anvillhead, his stuff is packed up and in the garage, there are a few items in the house but they are things that shouldn't be exposed to the extreme temperature conditions, guitars, I'm not trying to destroy his stuff, I just want him to go away.
He's had his phone for probably 5 minutes and he's already called and texted twice...not a good start.

Refiner

Good Lord. What's he saying?

hopeful4

If I only had a nickel for every time I have thought this! It amazes me that so many people act like recovery is so awful. I realize the physical w/draw is awful, but come on. I don't really like to go to counseling, but if I could go and be catered to, I would council all day! LOL.

I know they are not all like that, but man, there are some swanky nice rehabs out there.

JLOBYXMAS

Thanking me for getting the car fixed, and then the god stuff...."God never gives us more then we can handle"...."God bless you" etc etc. super weird coming from a staunch atheist, guess he drank the kool-aid. Not knocking it, I'm just always a little suspicious when murderers and addicts find religion while confined. Proof will be 3 months from now when the realities of life bite him back in the ass.